Category: General

The mechanics of forgiveness

rodarters

I have been musing about forgiveness lately.   Maybe because I need some.  Or maybe because I have to extend it to someone out there.  Regardless, it seems like a difficult concept for some of us to grasp.  I understand why.  Sometimes the pain done to you hurts too much that you just don’t want to part with the forgiveness in your pocket.  Or sometimes the pain you caused is so deep, you can’t figure out how to ask for forgiveness from the person you wronged.  A lot of us have trouble forgiving ourselves.  Intellectually, we all agree that forgiveness is important.  Experientially, few of us want to do it.   The truth is…

we all want to receive forgiveness when we need it

but few of us like giving it when it’s required. 

Either way – forgiveness is essential for all relationships.  Forgiveness is a complicated machine and so I figured I’d open up the hood and take a peek at the mechanics.  Here is what I see:

  • Everyone needs forgiveness.    We have a lot of sayings in our culture about our human inadequacies;  “I’m only human,”  “To err is human,”   “Nobody is perfect.”, etc.   The reason we have them is obvious.  As humans, we make mistakes constantly.  We do and say stupid things.  We hurt others daily, intentionally and unintentionally.  Forgiveness is necessary to cleanse the slate.  It is the eraser for the chalkboard of life.  We need it in order to restore relationships and mend broken friendships.   Sometimes it is the only thing that can repair a relationship, particularly when restitution is simply not possible.
  • Forgiveness should be asked for.  When a wrong is done, forgiveness cannot be assumed, it should be asked for.   Saying “I’m sorry” is a good first step but it is not the same as asking for forgiveness.   Children say, “I’m sorry.”  Adults say, “Please forgive me.”  “Sorry” can be said with pride.  Sincerely asking for forgiveness can only be said with humility.  “Sorry” keeps control in your hands.  Asking forgiveness gives control to the person you wronged.  “Sorry” is like a band-aid.  “Please forgive me” is like surgery – it can bring true healing to the soul and broken relationship.   A proper, appropriate apology should have the following components:

“I am so sorry for….”

“I was wrong to….”

“Please forgive me for…”

  • Forgiveness needs to be extended.  This is the hardest aspect of forgiveness, extending it to those who need it.  Like I mentioned earlier, we all want it when we need it but few of us want to give it when it is required.  Even as I type this, someone out there will think of some scenario (real or otherwise) and challenge this point.  “You mean that someone who does _____________ (fill in the most despicable, evil thing you can think of) needs to be forgiven?”   Yes.   Even that guy.  Eventually.  I am not saying that forgiveness can or needs to be immediate.  It is never easy.  Sometimes it can take a long time to get to the point where you forgive someone for the wrong they have done, particularly if the offense is sizable.  But, they do need to be forgiven.  By you.  Withholding forgiveness not only hurts them and prevents them from the necessary healing, it keeps you from it as well.  The last thing we want to do is relieve any guilt the offender may be feeling.  After all, we justify that it’s the least he deserves for what he has done.  The problem is, withholding forgiveness does more damage to you. 
  • Forgiveness has conditions.  If there was ever a reason why you should forgive those who have wronged you, this is it. Did you know that if you withhold forgiveness from others, God Himself has promised to withhold it from you?  “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6:14-15)  Compare any sin committed against you to the ones you’ve committed against God and you should have the wrong placed immediately into perspective.  If Jesus can forgive the sins that placed Him on a cross, certainly you can forgive the sins against you.  Remember, the sins against you did not kill you.
  • The Golden Rule in forgiveness.   The above condition should put the wrongs committed against you into perspective.  If that does not, then put yourself into the seat of the offender for a minute.  Walk a mile in their shoes.  Granted, what they did was wrong.  It may be true that what happened to you was mean or hurtful or even intentionally evil.  Perhaps what they did to you can never be undone or “fixed.”  Having said that, if you were in their place, wouldn’t you want to be forgiven?   One of the main motivators of why we do what we do (even forgive!) is because we know we should “treat others the way we want to be treated.” (Matthew 7:12)   There may be a time, sooner than you think, when you want someone to treat you the way they want to be treated, not necessarily the way you deserve to be treated.
  • The undeserved nature of forgiveness.  Forgiveness, like grace, is never deserved.  That’s what makes it so powerful.  Forgiveness, like a gift, can never be earned.   It can’t be.  That’s why it brings such freedom.  The reason that forgiveness is so hard to extend to wrong doers is because it goes against our very protective nature.  Holding a grudge is safe.  Offering forgiveness makes you vulnerable.  Deep down, we desire fairness.  At our core, we scream for justice.  We ache for restitution or payment for wrongs done.   And oftentimes – if not most times – forgiveness must occur before justice, fairness or a balanced ledger is in place.  It does not mean that justice should not be sought or that restitution should not be given.  It does not mean that the wrong is overlooked or the pain is simply ignored.  It just means that an olive branch of peace is being extended even while the smoke of the last musket shot is still in the air.   Sometimes it is the offering of forgiveness that brings about the justice and healing we so desperately need.  Too often, we must try to heal the hurter before our wounds can be truly healed.

“Keep in mind, hurting people often hurt other people as a result of their own pain.  If somebody is rude and inconsiderate, you can almost be certain that they have some unresolved issues inside. They have some major problems, anger, resentment, or some heartache they are trying to cope with or overcome. The last thing they need is for you to make matters worse by responding angrily.” – Joel Osteen, Pastor.

  • The example of forgiveness.   If anyone understands forgiveness, it is Christ.   No one in human history has been so innocent and yet so wronged.   The very purpose of His presence requires a global apology from mankind.  Formerly occupying a heavenly throne, He was born a baby in a manure scented manger.  Having created the universe with the “word of His power”, He entered as a defenseless child having to learn how to walk and talk like the rest of us.  Instead of being recognized for the Deity that He was, He was known as a mere carpenter from Nazareth… “can anything good come from a place like that?”  He claimed to be the Truth while most people thought He was lying.  He claimed to be a King but lived like He was a pauper.  He was constantly mocked by strangers.  He was doubted by everyone – even members of His family.  He was beaten by Roman soldiers.  He was spit upon by prison guards.  Think about that.  Nothing is more degrading than human spit on a holy God.  He was flogged by His government.  He was slandered in court.  He was betrayed by His closest friends.  He was sentenced to death by the Church.  He was condemned to die naked, publicly humiliated, among thieves.  He was deserted by everyone at His greatest hour of need.  He was even deserted by His own Heavenly Father.  Clearly, that was the hardest part for Him as He cried out, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken Me?” For three hours on an excruciating cross, He was truly alone – in every sense of the word.

And yet while there in that position.  

Hurting in every way possible. 

Barely able to breathe from the pain.

Before anyone even regretted what they had done.  

Or even asked for forgiveness.

He did the unthinkable. 

He did what a God would do.  

He prayed for His enemies.   He blessed those who cursed Him.   He turned the other cheek and walked that second mile.  He practiced what He preached.

He forgave.

Even me.

Even you.

Let’s do the same.

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” – Ephesians 4:31-32

Emotional Bank Accounts

rodarters

I received a phone call this week from a distraught friend, sobbing in-between sentences.   Within seconds, the source of her tears became obvious.  Her boyfriend of over 2 years had ended their relationship rather abruptly.  She is now regrettably single again, hurting from a broken heart.

I have received the same phone call every week for the last 20 years.  Though the voice is different every time, the conversation is pretty much the same.  Guys and girls dealing with the emotional devastation of a broken relationship.   As they share the details of their particular situation, I am always reminded of a conversation I had with a professor from college.  If memory serves me right, I was the one on the other end of the phone and his counsel to me was providing insight and ointment to my hurting heart.  Love had been lost and I was trying to make sense of the pain.  During the course of our conversation, he shared an illustration that has stayed with me for over 20 years.  It made sense to me since it painted a picture of my pain and allowed me to understand more clearly why I felt the way I did.   I have shared the illustration liberally for the last two decades.  This week I shared it again with my latest hurting friend.  Today, I thought it worth sharing with my readers.

With every person we have a relationship with, we have an accompanying emotional bank account with their name on it.   For example, when we are conceived, an account is open with our parents.  From the first kick in the womb, both child and parent begin mutual investments in each other’s accounts.   Over the years, the account grows.  Parents obviously make the bigger investment, depositing countless emotional dollars into their children’s account.  Children, by nature, take constant withdrawals.  The reason they can make so many withdrawals is because they have access to an emotional ATM machine with seemingly endless emotional cash on hand.  Parents tend to love like that.

Likewise, we have an account open with our siblings.   We also have one open with our employer, co-workers, spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, neighbors and dozens of acquaintances.  When the relationship begins, the account is officially opened.  From that point on, deposits and withdrawals are made as the relationship progresses.  Some invest more than others.  Naturally, we invest more into our loved one’s account than we do in our neighbor’s.  Others take more withdrawals.  As long as there is money in the account, the account stays open.  In the case of a break-up or divorce there are too many withdrawals, not enough deposits and in the end, the account has been overdrawn too many times to count.  The account inevitably closes.  One or both ends up emotionally bankrupt.

Like a real checking account, deposits make the account stronger and withdrawals make the account weaker.  In a normal, healthy account both parties make more deposits than withdrawals.  In an unhealthy account, one or both parties make more withdrawals than deposits.  As long as there are more deposits than withdrawals, the account stays open.

Emotional deposits can occur intentionally and unintentionally.  They happen on both a conscious and unconscious level.   They also can occur visibly and invisibly.   Deposits can occur when you spend time with that person or when you are absent from them.  They can occur while you are talking to them and they can occur in the privacy of your thoughts.  They grow through various mediums; thoughts, text messages, emails, letters, words, prayer, gift giving, acts of service, affection, quality time, humor, flowers, chocolates, cards, etc.  Deposits can be unlimited.  In other words, you can deposit all you want without making any withdrawals.

Emotional withdrawals:  Withdrawals are normal occurences in any checking account and they often occur daily.  Like deposits, they also can occur intentionally and unintentionally, consciously and unconsciously, visibly and invisibly.  Unlike deposits, withdrawals are not unlimited.  There are only so many you can make without making a deposit.  Too many withdrawals without enough deposits and you could find yourself with an empty account.  Withdrawals come in all shapes and sizes; lies, lack of quality time, infidelity, neglect, mean words, insensitivity, broken promises, abuse, thoughtlessness, lack of affection, etc.

Overdrawn accounts:  As mentioned earlier, an emotional bank account is overdrawn when the withdrawals surpass the deposits.   What’s really important is not the size of the withdrawal as much as the size of the account prior to the withdrawal.   If there is enough emotional money in the account to cover the withdrawal, the relationship stays intact.  It may not be strong – but it’s still open.  When the withdrawal exceeds the account balance, the account is overdrawn and the relationship is in serious trouble.  Massive deposits need to be made quickly or the account will be frozen or closed.

When it comes to emotional banking, how strong are your current accounts?  Do you find you make consistent deposits into the accounts of the people closest to you?  Or do you just take withdrawals?   Do you look for ways to strengthen each account entrusted to you or do you find yourself writing emotional checks you hope won’t bounce?  When it comes to emotional banking, you are either making deposits or you are taking withdrawals.   There is no stationary banking.

Most of what I know about emotional bank accounts, I learned the hard way.  I spent the majority of my adult life accepting deposits into mine without reciprocation.  Others deposited into my account while I mainly took withdrawals.   Don’t get me wrong, I did make some emotional deposits, they were just not significant enough to handle some of the withdrawals I was consistently taking.   Though I poured my life into dozens of people and had countless accounts open at different times, very few of them had emotional deposits in them.  I cared about each account but I did not know how to make an emotional deposit similar in size to the ones deposited into my account.  I gave my accounts time, money, attention, affection, thoughts, gifts, etc.   On the outside, the relationships looked normal – even healthy.  What was missing, however, was emotion.  My emotion.  What I reserved from the deposit was my heart.  Frankly, it was safer that way.

One day, I woke up to the realization that the people I loved the most were actually the furthest from me.  Though they had made me rich, without realizing it I emotionally bankrupted them.   I had gotten so used to writing bad emotional checks that I did not see the account had even closed.  Looking back, the trouble had been brewing for a while.   Apparently, the checks had been bouncing for years and I had been living on credit.   Credit, it turns out, is not endless.  Eventually real money needs to be given, even when that currency is emotional.

As I have befriended and counseled people over the years, I realize I am not alone.   It seems like many men (particularly) struggle knowing how to invest emotionally.  We don’t know how to give that elusive thing called our heart.   It’s not that we don’t have one, though I do understand those who think we don’t.  The issue is that we don’t really know how to access our heart.  From our earliest memory, our culture tells boys to ignore our emotions, stuff them, repress them, etc.  Sometimes parents and coaches reinforce that message to the male population.  It is certainly the model that we see in Hollywood.  Action heroes make relatively few emotional investments on-screen.  Whereas women are allowed to wear their heart on their sleeve, men are taught to deny it’s even under their shirt.   And yet, men still have to function in their relationships.  We can’t be completely disengaged emotionally.  So, we learn to live with only a portion of our heart in action.  The rest of it is locked under guard.  Even around other men, it rarely is exposed.  Most men would rather jump on a landmine then share what’s really going on under the chest plate of armor.   The exploding shrapnel seems easier to handle.

The Apostle Paul understood emotional bank accounts.  He also understood the need for a one’s heart to be engaged in relationships.  The man who formerly oversaw the execution of innocent Christians had his hard heart-broken.   It wasn’t smashed with a hammer.  It wasn’t crushed with rock.  It was changed by his encounter with the King of Hearts.  In fact, so changed was Paul’s heart and life by this encounter, that he penned the following words about the importance of love in relationships;

“If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.  If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all His mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I am nothing.  If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere.  So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.” (I Corinthians 13:1-4)

We can make lots of money, receive high awards, even accomplish some amazing things – but without an engaged heart and emotional investments in our relationships – we are nothing.

Come on, men.  Let’s figure out a way to get access to your heart.  Your spouses are yearning for it.  Your children desperately need it.  Our culture is craving for some male examples in this area.  And most importantly, your own heart needs to feel the joy and pain of a beating heart, invested emotionally with those he leads and loves.

For the record, I’m not there yet.  I’m not even pretending I’m close to where I need to be.   But, I’m trying.  Daily, I try to face my emotional fears and do my best to move the ball forward.    And when I think of my past failures, present struggles and hopeful future victories, I think of John Newton, the former slave trader and writer of the classic hymn, “Amazing Grace.”  He wrote,

“I am not what I ought to be, not what I want to be, not what I hope to be.   But still, I am not what I used to be. And by the grace of God, I am what I am.”

That gives me hope.   Anyone want to sit down with some Kleenex and talk about our feelings over a cup of coffee?

Yea, me neither.  There’s a landmine I have to jump on right now.

 

For an outstanding woman’s perspective on this topic, click here.

God as Genie: What would you ask for?

rodarters

If you could ask God for one thing, what would it be?   If you knew He would grant you the answer to your request, what would you ask of Him?

If you think like me, you’d say something like, “Unlimited wishes.”   Or unlimited Thin Mint cookies.   Or maybe you would ask for unlimited wealth.  Or health.  Or holiness.  Or fame.  Or weight loss.  Or better vision.  Or the ability to Zumba.  Near the top of my list would be to beat my son, one time, in a video game.   The answers can get silly because the question seems ridiculous.  After all, we know that God is not going to grant us whatever we want.   Why would He?   Like a giant celestial butler, doesn’t He only do things for certain people?  Don’t you have to go to church or stop cursing or give money or walk old ladies across the street for Him to do something for you?  Doesn’t He operate like a vending machine?   Only those who put in the correct coins and the right amount get what they want from Him?

God actually gives us some guidelines of the types of prayers He says He will answer.

  1. He answers prayer according to His relationship with you.  A parent would be more likely to answer the request of his own child over the bratty neighborhood kid he does not know.   A boss would be more likely to do something to help his own employee over the employee of the competitor.  Relationship matters.  If you do not have a personal relationship with God – do not expect Him to hear your prayer.  (John 10, John 15:7, James 5:16)
  2. He answers prayer according to our “standing” with Him.   You might be a Christian but if you are living in rebellion to His Truth, do not expect to be heard.  This should make sense to us.  After all, parents are more likely to do something for an obedient child than one who is wayward. (Psalm 66:18)
  3. He answers prayer according to His will.   A good parent will always allow us to have what they think is best for us.   As a parent myself, I will always say yes if my child wants an egg for breakfast.   By contrast, I would not allow a candy bar for breakfast since that would not be “according to my will.” (I John 5:14-15)  Some of our prayers, though good in and of themselves, are not what God wants for us and therefore He denies the request.  Or the timing is not right.  It’s not because He is mean, it’s simply because He knows what’s best for you – at that time.
  4. He answers prayers offered “in His name.”   A prayer to Allah is not the same as a prayer to the God of Scripture.  A prayer to the universe or to karma or to the Great White Spirit does not reach the ears of God.  Even Mother Mary and deceased disciples are not in a position to answer prayers (sorry Catholic friends!).  If my kids are in trouble they know they should call ME, not any random parent on the planet.  They can dial eight random digits on their phone but only the correct eight in the proper sequence will ring my direct line – aka “in my name.”  My relationship with them ALONE is my motivator to help them.  Though I may choose to help an unknown child in an emergency, that same child should not expect to eat at my house, borrow $20 or have me pay for his college education.   (John 14:13-14)

It may surprise you to know that there is actually one thing you can ask for and God will give it to a child of His EVERY time.  There is one request He says He will never deny.  It doesn’t matter if you are Protestant or Catholic.  Young or old.  Rich or poor.  It doesn’t matter where you live, where you work, what you have done or who your parents are.  His only criteria, it appears, is that you believe in Him and ask in faith.

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.” – James 1:5-8

  • IF ANY OF YOU.   The book is addressed to Christians.  The offer is for those who have a personal relationship with Him.
  • LACKS WISDOM.   Even a believer lacks wisdom and is in need of more.
  • YOU SHOULD ASK GOD.   You have to ask for it.  Either you get it from Him or you learn it the hard way.
  • WHO GIVES GENEROUSLY.   God is like that.  Any gift from Him is a generous one, in substance and portion.
  • TO ALL.  He does not put limits on who can receive this gift. He does not show favorites or restricts who has access to it.  He so desires His children to have wisdom that he makes it available to ALL.  What human Dad would only want some of his children to possess wisdom?  It’s in the family’s best interest for every child to be wise.
  • WITHOUT FINDING FAULT.  If God only gave it to the “good” people, no one would get it.  He does not dispense wisdom because you are worthy of it.  He offers it in spite of your past.   He gives it because you need it, not because you deserve it.
  • AND IT WILL BE GIVEN TO YOU.   Bam!   Just like that.   Instantly delivered into your moral bank account.  Is that how it works?

Though there could be some supernatural delivery of wisdom deposited into your being, it would be safe to assume that three other components should be in place:

  1. Ask regularly.   If your child asked for something once and never again, does he really want it?   Those that ask for wisdom repeatedly show God a heart that truly desires it.  God seems to give this gift in direct proportion to your asking.  Ask Him for it once and He will give it to you once.  Ask Him every day and you should expect a daily portion.   This was the point Jesus was conveying to His disciples when He said, “If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!” (Matthew 7:11)
  2. Read the book of Proverbs.   Proverbs was written by Solomon, the son of David, reportedly the wisest man ever to live on the planet (I Kings 3:11).  The purpose of the book is “to know wisdom and instruction, to discern the sayings of understanding, to receive instruction in wise behavior, righteousness, justice and equity; to give prudence to the naive, to the youth knowledge and discretion.” (Proverbs 1:1-4)    If you really want wisdom, read the Bible with Proverbs being your first book.
  3. Learn from your past.  Confucius once said, “By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.”   Every poor choice and bad decision produces a nugget of wisdom for you.  Learn from the nuggets.

Soon after Solomon became the newly installed King of Israel, God appeared to him in a dream and said, “Ask what you wish Me to give you.”  (I Kings 3)  In other words, Solomon was given the opportunity to rub the genie lamp of God.

He didn’t ask for health or long life.  He didn’t ask for wealth or fame.  He didn’t ask for victory over his enemies or even more power.   Solomon recognized, as the new leader of a huge nation, that he needed something more practical.   He asked for “an understanding heart to judge Your people, to discern between good and evil.  For who is able to judge this great nation of Yours?”  

God granted his request.  We are told that his “wisdom surpassed the wisdom of all the sons of the east and all the wisdom of Egypt.” (I Kings 4:30)  

God said to him, “Since you have asked for this and not for long life or wealth for yourself, nor have asked for the death of your enemies but for discernment in administering justice, I will do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and discerning heart, so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be.  Moreover, I will give you what you have not asked for — both wealth and honor — so that in your lifetime you will have no equal among kings. And if you walk in obedience to Me and keep My decrees and commands as David your father did, I will give you a long life.” (3:11-14)

That is typical God.  No one can out-give Him.  He is “able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think.” (Ephesians 3:20).   As Nancy Spiegelberg wrote,

“Lord, I crawled across the barrenness to You with my empty cup, uncertain in asking any small drop of refreshment.  If only I’d known You better – I’d have come running with a bucket.”

Whether you are the leader of a nation, a business, a classroom, a family or sports team, you need more wisdom.  Right now it’s sitting on a shelf in the warehouse of God.  He’s ready to deliver it.  You just need to ask for it.

Like all things of value, wisdom is expensive.  You either get it through a humble petition or you acquire it through humbling mistakes.

Request your portion of wisdom today.  It costs less to ask.  It will be yours in abundance when you fall.

Reference forms and the references that reference them.

rodarters

I recently applied to join the coaching staff of a local high school to work with their volleyball program.  As is customary, I had to fill out a lengthy application and submit a few references.   In this day and age, they need to make sure I do not have a criminal record or appear on any sex offender list.  (FYI, I do not). I’m grateful for the background check and thorough nature of the application process.  At the same time, I am amused at the necessary reference form.

By definition, a ref·er·ence is:

  •  A person who is in a position to recommend another or to vouch for his or her fitness, as for a job.
  • A statement about a person’s qualifications, character, and dependability.

The school’s particular reference form is adequate and generic.  See for yourself, below.  I just question whether it is a truly effective tool for weeding out bad seed.

It is good to know how long you have known the applicant and under what capacity. It is smart to learn what you can about the applicant’s character, judgment and maturity from their friends or former colleagues.  It’s best to know if they are dependable before you go depending on them.  I think it is wise to try to discern someones strengths and weaknesses before you hire them.  Anytime you can hear from a co-worker or former employer, it can give you insight that the personal interview cannot provide.  Nobody wants any surprises with a new hire.  On the form above, the best question is whether the person giving the reference would hire the applicant.  If the reference form had only one question on it, it should be that one.

I don’t have a problem with the need for references.  I’m glad they ask for them and I hope they contact them with any follow-up questions.  What confuses me is why we place so much emphasis on the reference’s opinion of the applicant.  I mean, isn’t the reference always loyal to the applicant?  Is the positive reference truly an indicator that you are about to hire a positive applicant?  Aren’t we all able to answer most questions in a way that hides our true feelings while still being positive and honest?  Should we really blindly trust the opinion of the applicant’s closest friend?  How do we know that the reference isn’t a sex offending, ex-con, drug dealing pimp who was offered $20 bucks for the positive reference?

If I want a job and you need a reference, naturally, I’m going to introduce you to someone who thinks I hung the moon.  I will send the form to those who owe me money or to those whose child I pushed away from an oncoming train.  You want to hear how great I am?  Ok, let me find the 5 people (or 500 people) who actually think I am great and I will let your opinion of me be formed by them.

However, at this stage in my adult life, there are undoubtedly a few people walking the planet who dislike me.  I might even have some out there who hate me.  Needless to say, they will not be getting a reference form to fill out.  Who wants their opinion anyway??   Maybe a prospective employer!?

In the future, a prospective employer should ask each applicant for four references.  Some from people who like you (allies) and some from people who do not (enemies).  Then, once the forms are back, the employer (or his committee) can read through the true nature of a candidate, not just the positive version they are portraying through positive, loyal references.

Company assets and reputations need to be protected.  Sensitive client information and trade secrets need to be protected.  More importantly, children/youth (and the organizations that deal with them) need to be protected.  For these reasons, reference forms need to be filled out and follow-up phone calls need to occur.  How many young people could have been protected from various abuses over the years had schools/organizations had better forms and better screening processes?  How many young people could have been saved from unnecessary trauma and scars if the hiring organization did a better job of researching the character and evaluating the integrity of those they hired?

Below is a sample reference form.   The questions are a bit more probing and require straight-forward, honest answers.  No reference form will be fool-proof or be able to reveal the bad eggs instantly.  But maybe we need to do a background check on the references as well as the applicants?

How about you?   What question would you want to know the answer to before you offered someone in your company a job?

The problem with pedestals

rodarters

Over the last three years I have thought a lot about pedestals.  For most of my adult life I have sat perched on top of one.   Though I never minded the view from above, I also never felt quite comfortable being up there.  I didn’t have a fear of heights.  I didn’t mind the shorter supply of oxygen.  I just knew, deep down, I didn’t belong up there.  Definitely not that high.

I’m not even sure how I got on one to begin with.  I think it began with a simple compliment.  With that, someone put me up there.  And then someone else agreed I should be there and raised my platform a bit.  Then another person affirmed that position and it grew some more.  I was just doing my job and being me but the next thing I know – I’m up in the clouds of esteem.   The pedestal perks were certainly enjoyable and, at the time, it seemed like a harmless seat.  Unfortunately, I did not understand how pedestals work.  Or how they grow.  Or how dangerously high they can get.  Or how you get off of one.  Today I understand the problem with pedestals much more clearly.   I have the scars to prove it.

On December 21st, 2008, I awoke sitting atop a rather high pedestal.  It had been growing for years and had reached a rather impressive pinnacle.  By the time my head hit the pillow on December 22nd, I was about as low to the ground as you could come.  That tends to be the nature of pedestals.  One day they can hold you up.  The next day they can bring you down.

Here are a few generic facts about pedestals and their inherent problems.  If you’re on one, be careful.  Or better yet, start climbing down.  If you are placing others on them, stop it.  You are doing yourself and everyone else a disservice, especially the person on top.

  1. Pedestals are invisibly built.   Most people who are placed on pedestals rarely know they are being placed on one.  They are usually just doing their job or serving in the way they normally serve, and over time – their status begins to rise.  Unlike the hero who pulls a child out of a burning building and receives a sudden rise on the pedestal, many people have theirs built invisibly, behind the scenes, almost imperceptible to the naked eye.  They seem like a good husband.  They seem like the perfect mother.  They seem like the model coach, teacher or pastor.  And in the beginning, they are.  But because the pedestal grows invisibly, they really cannot see when it is growing, how it is growing or that they are even rising on top of it.
  2. Pedestals grow subtly.  It’s bad enough that a pedestal is built invisibly.  The fact that it grows subtly is much more sinister.  Overnight fame is easy to detect.  One day you are normal, the next day the news media is outside your door.   But for most of us who have ever been on a pedestal, that’s not how it works.  For most pedestal dwellers, they cannot detect their ascent particularly since the growth is slow and feels so right and natural.  A person always has a hard time seeing his own growth.  It takes the out-of-town Aunt to say something like “Wow!  You’ve gotten so tall!” to put things into perspective.  In the same way, people subtly grow pedestals through endless innocent compliments.  They feed it via constant harmless accolades.  Those sitting on top love the flattery.   They enjoy the praise, especially when it is sincere and heartfelt.  “Thank you for the influence you have on my son.” or “The way you teach is amazing.” etc.   Whether it is praising a teacher, pastor, coach, athlete or politician – the pedestal subtly grows with each added comment or recognition.  The recipient of the praise must be extra diligent to make sure the compliments do not go to his head.  The givers of the praise must be extra diligent to remind themselves that the person they are praising is still human, capable of disappointment.
  3. Pedestals are fun to ride.  Who doesn’t like attention?  Who doesn’t appreciate hearing how they are appreciated?  Everyone enjoys a nice compliment and loves to hear the good they are doing.  The only thing better than being praised is to be praised publicly.   When someone gives a good speech, they love to hear it was a good speech.  When someone bakes a good cookie, they love to hear it was a good cookie.   Praise & compliments are wonderful.  And because the feeling is so good on top of the pedestal, it makes it all the more tempting to stay.  As Thomas Fuller once said, “Compliments cost nothing, yet many pay dear for them.”
  4. Pedestals distort the view from below.   For the most part, our friends are just like us.  They enjoy what we enjoy.   We share the same virtues and we share the same vices.  People on pedestals are different.  We place them there for that very reason – because they are different from us.  We hold them in a higher esteem.  We think highly of them and therefore feel the need to elevate them above us.  They have usually excelled in a certain area  of importance and therefore we must lift them above the rest of us common folk.   We may not articulate it this way, but this is how we feel.  The problem is – the people on top of the pedestals are still people.   They still get dressed the same way you get dressed.  They still struggle with the same thing you struggle with.  They may be great at one thing and deserve recognition for it, but they also need to stay “grounded.”   Lifting them up and placing them on pedestals does the very opposite of helping them stay grounded.  We place them (oftentimes without their knowledge) on a pedestal and then raise it (oftentimes without their knowledge) to unfair heights.   In our mind, they are where they belong.  In their mind, they love the view and the perks but can’t figure out how they got up there or how to get down.   All they know is that they have to do whatever it takes to stay since getting down does not appear to be a safe option.   Too many people will be disappointed if they leave their lofty nest.  From the ground, we cannot see their lives clearly or realistically.  From our lowly vantage point, we can no longer relate to their different atmospheric pressure.  By contrast, they are too high up to see real life clearly.  If they were to admit a struggle, very few are in ear-shot to hear it.  And to be honest, most on the ground don’t want to hear it.  After all, we put them there because they are not like us.   They are better than us.  Stronger than us.  More Christian than us.   Whatever the reason, we needed someone to look up to and we chose them.  The problem is, they need someone to talk to, confide in and too few of us are available.  Even fewer understand the pedestal climate or culture they live in.  So, they remain where they are – silently struggling.  We remain where we are, lifting them higher.   Eventually, the pressure of the pedestal can no longer hold the person or our image of them.
  5. There is only one way off a pedestal.   This is the hardest lesson to learn about pedestals.  Having said that, it is also a lesson that is learned in one painful second.   The only way off is to fall.  The higher the pedestal, the harder the fall.  The harder the fall, the greater the damage.  When a parent falls, the whole family is affected.  When a teacher or coach falls, the whole school is affected.  When a pastor falls, the whole church is affected.  When a President falls, the whole country is affected.  Though the person falling feels the brunt of the impact, they are not alone in the hurting process.   The people on the ground are crushed.  How could my hero fall off the pedestal that I placed him on?   He had been on there for so long without a problem.  She had been up there so high without incident.  Now they are shattered on the ground into unrecognizable pieces and we don’t know how to help or even what to say.   Most of the time, we just ignore them in their broken pile of misery and move on with our common little lives.   We tend to shun a fallen star.   Even though we helped not only place them there but keep them there, we are mad/disappointed that they fell.

I’ve been on both sides of the pedestal.  I know what it’s like to fall off and shatter.  I had to learn how to pick up the pieces and try to rebuild a life.  It’s not easy.  You often do it alone.  The masses that placed you there are usually nowhere to be found when you need them.  Everyone loves you on the pedestal.  Only your true friends love you in your broken mess.

I also know what it is like to place people on a pedestal and be an accomplice in raising it.  I know what it’s like to watch them fall and stare in disbelief at the devastation of their lives.   Because of my background and past experiences, I never watch for very long.  I quickly roll up my sleeves, get into their lives and get my hands dirty with the restoration process.   I have to.  I know their pain and I know how few people will be there for them since they are no longer considered “useful”.   Fallen people need help rising again.   Their injuries are not easily mended.  It can take years to get them back to a healthy state.

The truth is, only one Person belongs on a pedestal.  It’s not your Mom, Dad or children’s coach.  It’s not your teacher, congressmen or favorite athlete.  It’s not your children, spouse or pastor.   Only One is worthy of the perch and has already proven He can never fall or fail.

He traded a pedestal throne for a pedestal cross… and then took the fall for us – so we don’t have to pretend to be on pedestals anymore.

  • “Pride goes before a fall, and a haughty spirit before stumbling.” – Proverbs 16:18
  • “Humble yourself in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.” – James 4:10
  • “Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” – I Peter 5:6-7

Our questions for God vs. His questions for us.

rodarters

Every one of us, at some point in life, have questioned the decisions or motives of our parents.   There are many things they did or said that we, as children, just didn’t understand.  Why do I have to eat my vegetables?  Why is my curfew so early?  Why do I have to do chores?  Why can’t I borrow the family car tonight?

Because we were not a parent at the time, we just could not understand their perspective, wisdom, decisions or reasoning.  Now that I am a parent, I have come to the conclusion that parenting is really hard.  Had I known how hard it was, I would have been much easier on my parents.  I questioned them in ways I should never have.  I also made a lot of assumptions without any real knowledge of the facts.  They were a lot wiser than I ever gave them credit for and because of this, I should have trusted them more – even when I disagreed with them.

In my younger years, I used to be very political.  I found myself getting vocal about various Presidential decisions.  Without realizing it, I became an “arm-chair” President.  Without a political science degree and without ever being elected into any office or even volunteering on any campaign – I thought I knew more than our sitting President (regardless of who it was or what party he served).  One day I came to the realization that the President probably had access to information I wasn’t privy to.  He probably had numerous factors that influenced his decisions and had I had some of that information, I may think differently than I did in my currently ignorant state.

In like fashion, every one of us at some point in our life have questioned God about some of the events that have surrounded our lives.  For years I wondered why He let my Dad die when I was five.  Why does He allow little children to be abducted?  Why do people get cancer?  Why didn’t He prevent 9-11 from happening?  Why can’t the Chicago Cubs win a World Series?  Because we are not God, we cannot understand His perspective, wisdom, decisions, reasoning or timing.  Our finite minds cannot grasp the concept or actions of an infinite Being.  God reminded the prophet Isaiah that “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways are higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.” (55:9)

In the book that bears his name, we find a man named Job who had lost everything.  He lost all 10 of his children and his family business to four “freak” accidents in a matter of minutes.  The only surviving relative, his wife, told him to curse God and die.  On top of that, he was afflicted with painful boils from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet.  As he sits in a pile of ashes (a sign of mourning), his three friends basically tell him that all of this trouble has come upon him because he did something to offend God.  Claiming his innocence (in which he actually was), his faith in God begins to waver.  Eventually he begins to question God’s love and fairness.  For 37 chapters, God quietly listens to Job and his friends complain and play “arm-chair” God.  Finally, God has grown tired of hearing all the questions and He wants a few answers Himself.  Job’s questions are all “why” related.  We tend to ask those types of questions in times of doubt.  It seems implied from the text that God will answer Job’s “why” questions if he can answer God’s “what” questions.   God then asks Job over 70 blistering questions, each more difficult to answer than the one before.  How many could you answer?  An excerpt of the passage and God’s questions are below:

God said, “Job, why do you confuse the issue?   Why do you talk without knowing what you’re talking about?  Pull yourself together, Job!  Up on your feet!  Stand tall!  I have some questions for you, and I want some straight answers.

  1. Where were you when I created the earth?    Tell me, since you know so much!
  2. Who decided on its size? Certainly you’ll know that!
  3. How was its foundation poured, and who set the cornerstone, while the morning stars sang in chorus and all the angels shouted praise?
  4. And who took charge of the ocean when it gushed forth like a baby from the womb? That was me! I wrapped it in soft clouds, and tucked it in safely at night. Then I made a playpen for it, a strong playpen so it couldn’t run loose, And said, ‘Stay here, this is your place.    Your wild tantrums are confined to this place.’
  5. Have you ever ordered Morning, ‘Get up!’ or told Dawn, ‘Get to work!’   So you could seize Earth like a blanket and shake out the wicked like cockroaches?
  6. Have you ever gotten to the true bottom of things, explored the labyrinthine caves of the deep ocean?
  7. Do you know the first thing about death?
  8. Do you have one clue regarding death’s dark mysteries?
  9. And do you have any idea how large this earth is?    Speak up if you have even the beginning of an answer.
  10. Do you know where Light comes from and where Darkness lives so you can take them by the hand and lead them home when they get lost? 
  11. Have you ever traveled to where snow is made, seen the vault where hail is stockpiled, the arsenals of hail and snow that I keep in readiness for times of trouble and battle and war?
  12. Can you find your way to where lightning is launched, or to the place from which the wind blows?
  13. Who do you suppose carves canyons for the downpours of rain, and charts the route of thunderstorms that bring water to unvisited fields, deserts no one ever lays eyes on, drenching the useless wastelands so they’re carpeted with wildflowers and grass?
  14. And who do you think is the father of rain and dew, the mother of ice and frost?  You don’t for a minute imagine these marvels of weather just happen, do you?
  15. Can you catch the eye of the beautiful Pleiades sisters, or distract Orion from his hunt?
  16. Can you get Venus to look your way, or get the Great Bear and her cubs to come out and play?
  17. Do you know the first thing about the sky’s constellations and how they affect things on Earth?
  18. Can you get the attention of the clouds, and commission a shower of rain?
  19. Can you take charge of the lightning bolts and have them report to you for orders?
  20. Who do you think gave weather-wisdom to the ibis, and storm-savvy to the rooster?
  21. Does anyone know enough to number all the clouds or tip over the rain barrels of heaven when the earth is cracked and dry, the ground baked hard as a brick?
  22. Can you teach the lioness to stalk her prey and satisfy the appetite of her cubs as they crouch in their den, waiting hungrily in their cave?
  23. And who sets out food for the ravens when their young cry to God, fluttering about because they have no food?”
  24. Do you know the month when mountain goats give birth?
  25. Are you the one who gave the horse his prowess and adorned him with a shimmering mane?  Did you create him to prance proudly and strike terror with his royal snorts? 
  26. Was it through your know-how that the hawk learned to fly, soaring effortlessly on thermal updrafts?
  27. Did you command the eagle’s flight, and teach her to build her nest in the heights, perfectly at home on the high cliff face, invulnerable on pinnacle and crag? 

God then confronted Job directly: “Now what do you have to say for yourself?  Are you going to haul me, the Mighty One, into court and press charges?”

When I think about God’s bombardment of questions towards Job, I think about the following image:

One moment, Job felt justified in questioning the Almighty for His actions.  The next second, Job is literally blown away by God’s Holy Justifications and his own lack of reverence for a Being who owes no man an answer for anything He does.

Job stutters a response, “I’m speechless, in awe – words fail me.   I should never have opened my mouth! I’ve talked too much, way too much.    I’m ready to shut up and listen.”  (Job 38-41, The Message)

As for me, I don’t know why God does what He does.  I can’t understand His actions for myself, let alone explain them to my children.  Just when I think I have God all figured out, He does something else that leaves me confused as ever.   I think He likes it like that – not that He wants to confuse His children but rather wants to us recognize that He cannot be placed in any box we create.   He won’t fit in my pocket.  He won’t behave like a vending machine.   He simply refuses to be predictable.  He does what He wants, when He wants, how He wants, where He wants, for whatever reason He wants – simply because He is God.   He owes me no explanations for His actions or inactions.  I deserve no answers.

If His resume includes the creation of the Universe, I should trust Him.  If His job description includes controlling the orbits of the planets, I owe Him some basic respect.  If His voice can create the beauty of a sunset, the strength of an ant, the power of a Hurricane and speak forth light, I should pay closer attention to His instructions.

I have had my share of questions for God over the years.  Some very personal, difficult questions.   Some I have received answers to.  Others I may not get answered this side of Heaven.   I will have more questions for Him before I die.   I need to put my “need to know” in perspective.  He knows what He’s doing – even when He doesn’t keep me informed on every detail.   I need to doubt less and trust more.  Doubting questions can bring His rebuke.  Just ask Zacharias (Luke 1:18).   Trusting questions bring blessing.  Just ask Mary (Luke 1:34).

As far as questions go, this much I know:  When I get to Heaven, I will have one pressing question.  Only one.  It’s a fair and reasonable question.

“How in the world did someone like me end up in a place like this??”

It certainly won’t be because I lived a good life.  My sins are as long as the road paved with gold.

The answer won’t be verbal.  Words are not sufficient for a broken soul like mine.  The radiant eyes of Christ light up at my question.  It’s obvious from His huge smile that He is asked this same question daily.  He doesn’t move because He doesn’t have to.  He is already with me – giving me the undeserved hug of the prodigal son.  It’s the embrace He has been giving for centuries – reserved for the missing child now finally home.

It will be the manifestation of GRACE.   Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.

“For it is by grace that you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God, not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9)

FAQ’s About My Blog

rodarters

As many of you know, I am relatively new to the blogging community.  Though I have been writing for years, I am entering my 5th month as an official “blogger.”  It’s been a fun experience and to my surprise, I have received a good bit of feedback (over 450 comments) on the 61 posts I have written thus far.  (As an aside, writers LOVE feedback.  If you “like” what you read, let us know.  If you have time to leave a comment, please do!  If you think others need to read what we have written, forward it on!  Writing is a very personal art form and since we are putting ourselves “out there”, we love to know it is being read/received, appreciated, etc.)

I seem to get asked a lot of the same questions by readers of my blog.  Whether they know me personally or not, the following questions are consistently reoccurring so I thought I would just answer them in this medium, once and for all.  

Q: How do you come up with your blog ideas?   It really varies.  I have received “inspiration” while driving.  Sometimes a conversation with a friend or family member sparks an idea.  Other times, a comment made during a sermon will get me thinking.  Or a song lyric.  Or something I read from a book.  Or something that happens in my week.  Since I have a difficult time turning off my brain, ideas come at all hours.  I have even awoken from a vivid dream to write down a blog idea.  I always have a pen and paper nearby so I can jot down the idea and remember it for later.  Though some ideas get tossed, most ideas eventually turn into something you read. 

Q: How long does it take to write one of your blogs?  That really depends too.  There are some that take months for me to finish.  I might get the idea, jot down a few bullet points but then save it for another time.  Other blogs take an hour or two.   The most popular blog I have written was finished in 90 minutes.  

Q: How many people read your blog?  One of the most fun things about writing a blog is how you can see the stats of your readers.  While it doesn’t tell me where you live (exactly) or even reveal your IP address, I can tell how many are reading each particular page.  I can even see what countries are accessing my blog.   At this point, over 31,000 have read my blog in 113 countries.  I also have over 800 that subscribe to my RSS feed.  By contrast, only 154 have “liked” my Facebook fan page, “Rod Arters, Writer“.   The numbers matter to me for one important reason, my future conversation with publishers.  Publishers like to see if you can attract large numbers of readers as that can translate (one day) into more sales for them.  So, every time you forward my blog to others or endorse it on your Facebook page, it helps that readership grow!  Thank you!! 

Q: How does everyone learn of your blog?   Some people see it from one of my personal Facebook page updates.  If they aren’t signed up to receive it via email when it publishes, most people see it after it was forwarded to them by a co-worker, friend, relative.  

Q: What is the most popular blog you have written?   “The Dark Knight Rises Indeed” based on the movie massacre tragedy in Aurora, Colorado a few months ago. 

Q: How do you organize your thoughts or decide how to word it?   I don’t know how to answer this question other than to say – it just comes to me.  I really don’t spend a lot of time wrestling with the order (or flow) of the blog.  I begin writing and it comes.  When the flow stops, I stop.  Sometimes I’ll stop for a minute.  Other times, I’ll stop for weeks.  It really just depends on the thought process and the time I have allotted to sit in front of a computer and type.  Some blog ideas (like when I address a current event), I make it a point to finish in a 24 hour period.  The other blogs that are not time-sensitive, I generally take my time with.

Q: Why don’t you write a book?  I’m actually working on a few book ideas.  In fact, many of the individual blog posts you read will one day, Lord willing, turn into chapters of a future book.  Though I intend to be published one day (in book form, not merely magazine columns), I am also trying not to rush the process.   Writing is an outlet for me and I would love to do it full-time one day.  

I would love to be paid for this one day!

Q: How many blogs do you write at the same time?   I probably work on four or five at a time until one becomes ready to publish.  Right now I have over 35 articles sitting in my WordPress draft folder.  I also have another 100 or so on my computer at various stages of progress.  I have at least 50 previously published articles when I was writing for a magazine column that I have not transferred to this current blog.   So, I’m not short on material.  I’m only short on time.  

Q: How do you handle the negative comments you receive?   Any time you do anything “public”, you run the risk of someone not liking your work.  When I address some controversial subjects (like abortion, politics, religion, etc) I expect opposition.   I have learned to take criticism seriously but not necessarily personally.  I realize that I can learn from every critic and I try to really understand someone’s point of view before writing off their complaint.  St Francis of Assisi (11th century Catholic monk) once said, “Seek first to understand, then be understood.”   I have really tried to do this with every person who has ever disagreed with me.  Fortunately, I don’t receive a lot of negative feedback.  As a general rule of thumb, I try to respond to every comment made – even if it is in disagreement to what I wrote.

Q: What is the hardest part about writing a blog?   Figuring out how to communicate what I want in a way that is honest, clear and graceful.  I really have to make sure that each word and sentence is understandable and furthers the overall theme of that particular blog post.   The most frustrating aspect is when I have to “nuance” a sentence and add so many disclaimers so that the reader will truly understand what I am trying to say.  So many people are easily offended and can misinterpret an entire thought because I chose the wrong word or wasn’t clear enough in a certain sentence.  Also, sometimes I use a dry, sarcastic sense of humor in my blog post and that is not always easily conveyed, particularly if the reader does not know me.  

Q: What is the best part about writing a blog?   Without doubt, the stories that come from all over the country of how my blog is making a difference in people’s lives.  People I have never met are telling me they feel closer to God because of my blogs.  Others are challenged to consider a different viewpoint on a particular subject.  I have had Pastors tell me that my material has been used from their pulpit and in their Sunday School classrooms.   I had an organization recently ask for permission to use a particular blog entry in an upcoming fundraising banquet.   I started writing as an outlet for me.  Any benefit beyond that is a blessing I never aimed for or anticipated.

As a blogger, I try to put out fresh content two to three times a week.   As per my mission statement, I aim for thought-provoking content as I attempt to talk about life, mistakes, faith, hope and grace.  My ideas for a blog begin in my head and travel down to my heart where I dip it in experience.  Once dipped, I strain the thoughts and experience through the sieve of Scripture to make sure that only truth comes out on “paper.”  Then I arrange and rearrange words for clarity and impact and sit on it for an hour, day or week.   Like an artist reviewing his work, I will read and re-read a particular blog post 10 to 15 times to make sure it says what I want it to say and in a way I want to say it.   As I read, I do so with the broadest spectrum of an audience in mind.  How would a teenager read this?  Could he understand it?  How would an atheist read this?  Is it written in such a way that he could relate to it?  Though I am a Christian, I do not want to write in Christianese, a language I am fluent in.  Will this post unnecessarily offend someone?   Is there anything in here I will regret saying?  The internet is a powerful medium but it can be an unforgiving one too as Google tends to remember every syllable you ever write. 

There may be other questions that arise but these are the main ones I seem to answer more frequently than others.  If you are still reading at this point, thank you!   Your consistent reading and following of my blog means a lot to me.  I have a few coming soon that I think you will really enjoy!

– Rod Arters

The Dangers of Dating

rodarters

The inevitable happened this week.  I knew this day was coming but I honestly hoped I had more time.  I was asked the dreaded question by my son, “Dad, when can I start dating?”   My “handsome 14-year-old freshman boy turning into a man” son wants to date.  It seems like only yesterday I was teaching him how to tie his shoes.  Needless to say, this crazy dating idea of his can never happen.  He will never date.  In other news, my daughter will never marry and my six-year-old is not allowed to turn seven.  These things I have decided.

Though I have previously served as a professional youth worker (for about 15 years) and have addressed this issue with countless other parents, I honestly wasn’t prepared to talk about this with my own son.   Not this week.   He has other milestones to achieve first like graduating from high school, then college, then the Marines, then law school, then medical school, and then seminary.  After those hurdles are complete, I’ll consider the dating request. (That is if I can’t think of more hurdles for him to jump over.)  To say I was thrown off guard by his request would be an understatement.   But there we were.  Me in the driver’s seat.  He in the passenger seat – eagerly waiting my response.  I’m not even sure he has someone special in mind.  I think he is just exploring the idea of it. 

There is at least one positive about his desire to date.  Mainly his personal hygiene habits have improved dramatically.  There was a season where I had to drag him into the bathtub much like you drag a cat to the Vet.  There was a time when I had to beat   force “motivate” him to brush his teeth.   Now, he cares about his appearance, hygiene and breath and for that, everyone wins.  🙂

But dating has changed dramatically over the last 25 years when I was first doing it.  And quite frankly, after watching thousands of other teenagers date (at too young an age), I have seen it ruin many a person in the moment and many a relationship thereafter.  Dating is a dangerous exercise, even for the adults.  Below are some of my observations as to why it is not recommended for most people under the age of 45.   I’m only half-kidding.  🙂 

  1. Dating raises the emotional stakes.  The average teenage boy is barely equipped to handle the emotions of losing an X-box game.  The average teenage girl can scarcely break a nail without tears, let alone endure the higher stakes emotional “game” of dating.  There is a lot more maturing that needs to occur, particularly when the emotions of another person are involved in the matter.   To be honest, most men do not even think about the emotional sensitivity that is required with their female counterpart, let alone a 14-year-old boy.  At that tender age, they do not even know what they don’t know.   A few years of maturity will do wonders for them in this area.
  2. Dating encourages unnecessary emotional deposits. With every relationship we are in, we have an accompanying emotional checking account with that person. When we spend time with them, we make a deposit. When we think about them, we make a deposit.  Emotional deposits can occur in their presence or in their absence. Typically, women invest more emotional dollars into the accounts of men than vice versa.  When you are alone, you make larger emotional deposits into only one account. When you are in a group setting, you make smaller emotional deposits into many accounts. The reason that a teenage breakup is so painful is because one feels an emotional bankruptcy after losing all their investment in that one particular account.
  3. Dating raises the physical stakes.   Dating implies being alone.  This alone time puts immediate pressure on the relationship.  The boy wants to be funny.  The girl wants to look pretty.  Both are putting their best foot forward and trying hard to impress the other one.  In other words, they are making massive emotional investments into unstable emotional accounts.  Whereas a group setting eliminates many pressures and temptations, being alone escalates them.  Combine these temptations with raging hormones (on both sides) minus the emotional maturity and wisdom to understand the dangers – you are asking for trouble.   Pregnancy and STD’s are just two of the devastating consequences waiting to pounce on our young children who cave in to the physical temptations they face.
  4. Dating creates isolation & thus does not encourage community.  Group settings are the safest setting throughout every aspect of life.  Fish travel in schools.  Wolves travel in packs.  Gazelles travel in groups.  Interestingly, women go to the bathroom in groups of two or more.  Apparently the woman’s restroom is wrought with danger.  We even have a well-known adage in our culture, “There is safety in ___________.” (In your head you thought “numbers.”)   This is especially true in regards to dating.   Teenagers, like young gazelles, need to be protected (even from themselves) during this time of growth.  Oftentimes their bodies are maturing faster than their emotions.  Very very few can handle such intimate isolation.  The risk outweighs the reward.  Time alone is important for all romantic relationships, but only when that relationship is mature enough to handle it.  
  5. Dating shuns true commitment & cultivates the heart for divorce.  This will no doubt be a controversial point but one that I think is worth making.  Dating’s commitment is generally skin deep.  In other words, it pales in comparison to the commitment of marriage which is “till death do us part.”  When we get accustomed to “leaving” our dating partners (for a variety of reasons), it grooms our heart for the ultimate exit of an unhappy marriage.  Whereas the marriage relationship should have an undying commitment and the “D” word (divorce, shhhhhh!) never mentioned, dating (by default) has a marginal commitment.   After all, you’re “only” dating.  It’s not like you are engaged or married.   The more you date, the more your heart is encouraged to avoid commitment, particularly a lifelong, faithful commitment to one person.  If you don’t like the one you are with now, you can always just date someone else.  It can do a disservice to your heart, ability to commit and future relationships.
  6. Dating does not assist one in guarding their heart.   A human heart can be broken.  It should be the goal of every parent to guard their child’s heart.  It should be the goal of every girl/woman to guard her own heart.  It should be the goal of every boy/man to not only guard his own heart, but also learn how to guard the heart of the girl/woman in his care.   It’s not an easy task – but a necessary one when it comes to relationships.  Too many hearts are broken simply because there was no appropriate guard in place.  Because dating is so personal and intimate, it is nearly impossible to guard one’s heart while doing it.  When the heart is not properly guarded it faces consistent heartbreak which, in turn, causes it to either suffer constantly or become so calloused that it becomes cold and jaded.  Neither consequence is healthy for anyone’s heart – let alone a younger heart, still learning what love is supposed to be.   This is why Solomon (considered to be the wisest man ever to live) wrote these words, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” (Proverbs 4:23) 
  7. Dating discourages parental involvement (in most cases).  
  8. Dating by-passes parental approval (in most cases).
  9. Dating prohibits parental protection (in most cases).

For now, I’ll leave #7-9 as bullet points.   The main point is that no one knows you better and loves you more than a parent and dating (in the traditional sense) keeps most parents in the dark.  There is more that can be said here for another time or another blog.  

As for my son’s request, he knows it’s not an option right now.  The group setting is where he’ll be or home alone with one of his parents.  He’s a great kid and very mature for his age but for now, we don’t think he’s ready.  Besides, he can’t drive and the last thing anyone wants is a parent on a “date.”  If his Mom and I are wrong, time will reveal that and all we will have lost is time.  If we’re right, we have saved him (and some little girl out there) a world of hurt.   The risk outweighs the reward and since it is my son’s heart in the balance, I’m not willing to risk it.   No 14-year-old girl is worth the cost of his broken heart, entrusted to my care.  

I would love to hear from some of the more seasoned parents on how you handled your children in this regard.  Did you let them date?  Did they date in spite of your wishes?  Positive outcomes?  Negative aspects?  Any broken hearts? 

Parenting, on our best day, is an impossible task.   Recognizing this, Mark Twain gave this helpful parenting tip.  I always laugh when I think of it.

“When you have a child, you should put him in a barrel and feed him through the hole.  When he turns twelve, plug the hole.”

No broken hearts in the barrel, that’s for sure.

Satan’s voice – in the Bible or your head

rodarters

The Bible is God’s Word so it shouldn’t surprise us that He does not allow Satan, His adversary, many opportunities to speak.  In fact, we only hear His evil voice a total of 3 times in all of Scripture.

The Bible is our blueprint for life and so even the recorded words of Satan can provide instruction for us as to what to avoid.  Every good parent tells their children to avoid a sweet talking stranger.  Satan is the sweet talking stranger to Truth and his voice is very different from God’s.  Jesus reminds His disciples that His sheep “know His voice” (John 10).  While that is true, it is also beneficial to recognize the voice of the Hireling so we may know when to be on guard.  Too many Pastors and Counselors are really just “wolves in sheep’s clothing” and though they claim to be speaking God’s Word, does not mean they really are.

THE FIRST TIME Satan speaks can be found in the garden of Eden. He doesn’t waste any time approaching God’s prized creation and Earth’s first family. He embodies a serpent, the craftiest beast of the field, and begins a conversation with Eve.

Genesis 3:1-5: “Indeed, has God said, ‘You shall not eat from any tree of the garden’?” The woman said to the serpent, “From the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat; but from the fruit of the tree which is in the middle of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat from it or touch it, or you will die.'” The serpent said to the woman, “You surely will not die! “For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

You will notice that the very first words out of Satan’s mouth are directed at mankind, attacking the truth of God’s Word and causing Eve to doubt God.

THE SECOND TIME the Devil speaks is found in the book of Job, chapter 1. In this passage, God initiates the conversation with Satan after he shows up with the angelic host as they are presenting themselves before God. God asks, “Have you considered my servant, Job?” Job was a righteous man, a blessed man, a rich man and was considered the “greatest man in all the East” and Satan is quick to remind God why. “Does Job fear God for nothing? Have You not made a hedge about him and his house and all that he has, on every side? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land. But put forth Your hand now and touch all that he has; he will surely curse You to Your face.” (Job 1:9-11)

You will notice that the second time Satan speaks, he speaks directly with God, attacks His blessing of Job and tries to cause God to doubt man.

THE THIRD TIME the “tempter” speaks is recorded twice in the gospels, Matthew & Luke – both chapter 4. In this famous passage, Satan is given access to Christ in the midst of His 40 day fast. Physically weak and extremely vulnerable, Jesus is led to this encounter by the Spirit for the purpose of temptation. Not being one to miss an opportunity, Satan hones in on the hunger pains of Christ, “If You are the Son of God, command that these stones become bread.”  Though we only know about two other specific temptations during this time, I suspect that Satan attacked all day, every day for 40 days.  If I embodied true evil and had my enemy in such a vulnerable position, I would come at him relentlessly seizing the great opportunity.  If that is true, it certainly makes you appreciate Christ’s faithful resistance to the evil one.  No wonder the writer of Hebrews is able to say He has “been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.” (4:13)

You will notice that this last time Satan is allowed to speak, he speaks directly with Christ, attacks the power of God & tries to cause the Son to doubt the Father.

There are two other times in Scripture where we know Satan is speaking, though his specific words are not quoted.  Zechariah chapter 3 and Jude chapter 9.  In Zechariah, he is standing next to Joshua, the High Priest – ready to accuse him before God.   In Jude we find “Michael, the archangel disputing with the devil and arguing about the body of Moses.” (9)  In both cases, he was rebuked by the Lord’s angel, their heavenly voice silencing his hellish one.

Even as the angels continue to present themselves to God, Satan continues to tag along today.  When God initiates the conversation and asks Satan if he’s ever considered YOU, Satan reminds him of your lustful thoughts, bad words and improper deeds. He points out your faults and he questions your sincerity.  He reminds God of your public sins and your private inappropriate thoughts.  Unfortunately, there is no lack of evidence against you.  As Satan finishes with glee in his eyes, God glances towards Christ, the Advocate, for a response.  Jesus nods and agrees with Satan.  It is all true. Everything the accuser has said about you is true.  It is the ONLY time that Satan will tell the whole truth – when he is pointing out your sins before a Holy God.  And then underneath a radiant white robe, Jesus slowly reveals the scars on His hands.  The Savior reminds the heavenly courtroom that all those sins were paid in full – on the cross – for those who trust in Him.   Satan slithers away, the case is dismissed and you remain in good standing before God, “not on the basis of deeds which you have done in righteousness, but according to His great mercy.” (Titus 3:5)

Satan still speaks today and it would be in our best interest to recognize when. Whenever you hear God’s Word attacked or contradicted, he is speaking. Whenever God’s Word is being doubted or twisted, his forked tongue is moving. Whenever God’s Word is mocked or dismissed, Satan is not far away enjoying a brief victory. He speaks through neighbors and friends, parents and siblings, teachers and classmates, sitcoms and cinema, celebrities and musical lyrics, pastors and priests. Just like he spoke through Peter (Matthew 16:23), too often I fear he speaks through me.

Don’t let his accusatory words into your head.  Though his accusations about you may be true, they are also spoken in the past tense.  Those words may have been true about you last year, last month or even yesterday.  But today is a new day.   Want a word from God?  Open His book and read.  A closed Bible is akin to covering the mouth of God.  As Jesus showed during His temptation, it is the ONLY way to protect yourself from the accusing voice of the serpent.

Public enemy #1: ME

rodarters

I am starting to wonder if I have a self-destructive personality.  I think it is pretty safe to say that I am my own worst enemy.   I marvel as I look back at my life and count how many times I have fallen – how many times I have hurt other people, even without knowing it.  I am shocked at my self centeredness, even when it is unintentional.  When the dust settles, I usually find myself alone, holding the smoking gun with no one else to blame but me.  Theodore Roosevelt, our 26th President said it best when he wrote, “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”   At this rate, I’ll never sit again.

As I look around the cultural landscape, it appears I am not alone.  As I read the paper or watch the news, it seems that each week a new celebrity (athlete, politician, musician, actor, etc) falls victim to poor choices and foolish decisions.  In other words – a self-inflicted wound.  If that is not bad enough, even “common” folk (teachers, investors, clergy, coaches, etc) disappoint the masses and end up behaving badly.  You expect bad people (ya know, murders, rapists, thieves) to act badly.  But what do we do when the “good” act bad?

Believe it or not, we have some empathy from an unlikely source, the Apostle Paul.  Author of 13 books of the New Testament, Paul has two (2) impressive resumes; one very good, one very bad.  Today he is remembered fondly for all his amazing Christian achievements.  However, Paul had a dark side to him as well. 

  • PAUL’S BAD RESUME: Even by liberal modern-day standards, his bad resume is bad to the bone. The first time we see Paul mentioned in the Bible, his name is Saul and he is overseeing an execution.  All executions would be hard to watch.  This one is just plain disturbing.  Saul is approving the murder of an innocent Church Deacon named Stephen.  In fact, that murder “began a great persecution against the church in Jerusalem.” (Acts 8:1).  Immediately after the stoning of Stephen “Saul began ravaging the church, entering house after house, and dragging off men and women, he would put them in prison.” (verse 3)  With authority from the high priest, Saul was on the hunt to kill or capture any follower of Christ in his path.
  • PAUL’S GOOD RESUME:  We are told in Philippians 3:5-6 that Paul was “circumcised the eighth day, of the nation of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the Law, a Pharisee; as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to the righteousness which is in the Law, found blameless.”   In other words, Paul’s spiritual resume was stellar.  He was born into heritage and raised right.  He was educated under the leading Rabbi of his day and had made it to the top rung of the social & religious ladder, a Pharisee.  He was even circumcised on the right day.  Saul was powerful and impressive and he knew it.

How could someone look so “good” on the outside and yet capable of such evil on the inside?   How could someone be a leader in the church AND a leader of a massacre – at the same time?  Such is the power of Church without God.  Such is the character of those who play the game of religion.  This is what happens when God is in your head, but not in your heart.  When you merely read your Bible but don’t do what it says.

We hear stories in the news of priests & teachers & coaches & ministers doing things they know they shouldn’t do.  In the limelight, they look fantastic.  In the public’s eye, they seem incapable of such deeds.   And yet behind closed doors, the only thing darker than their deeds is their heart.  How can it be?  How is that behavior even possible?  When they fall – we are quick to join the masses and pounce.  “Can you believe it?”, we condescendingly ask each other at the water cooler.  “What a hypocrite!”, we judge from our moral arm-chair.

Granted, their deeds are terrible and they ought to face the consequences of such behavior.  There is a part of me that would like to write the rest of this article focused on “them”.  I have found it quite easy to find and magnify the errors in others.  As Jesus warned, it is easy to miss the log in my eye while I’m looking at the speck in others (Matthew 7:3).  While I would prefer to focus on “them”, the truth is – the them is me.  And if you’re honest, “them” is probably you too.   We may not have done what “they” have done, but we sometimes find ourselves on Santa’s naughty list more times than we care to admit.  Have you ever struggled with the duality of your nature?   One day you’re Dr. Jekyll.  The next day you’re Mr. Hyde.  Have you ever wondered why you do some of the bad things you have done – especially when it’s not at all what you really want to do?   Paul understood this struggle and he didn’t blame it on hormones or chemical imbalance or his mood that day.  No, there is something much more sinister at work.  In his letter to the Romans (chapter 7), Paul is painfully honest about the inner conflict of his two natures:

“For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate… For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.  I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good.  For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members.  Wretched man that I am!  Who will set me free from the body of this death?” (15, 19-25)

Finally!  Someone who gets me!  Someone who is willing to be honest about what’s really going on in his heart.  Like Paul, I played the religious game for a while and I lost.  I too have a pretty impressive religious resume.  I also have a moral rap sheet that is downright embarrassing.  Some days, I have my spiritual “A” game on.  The next day, I’m failing every spiritual test thrown at me.   Yesterday was one of those days.  I didn’t kill anyone.  I didn’t sleep with anyone.  I didn’t rob any banks or drive any get-away cars.  I didn’t even “do” anything.  That was the problem.  I had an opportunity to do the right thing and instead, I froze.  I did nothing.  As a result, it cost me a dear friendship.  Why did I do that?  I still have no idea.  Like Paul, apparently “evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good.  The willing is present in my flesh, but the doing of good is not.” (Romans 7:21, 18)

Today, one friend short, I am painfully reminded (again) of my personal inadequacies and sinful actions… or inactions.   Today, I am reminded – like Paul – that there is a battle of two natures warring against each other in my heart: What I should do vs. what I want to do.  Yesterday, I stood at an intersection with a choice between what I should do and what I wanted to do.  I chose my wants and paid a huge price.  

Even as a Christian, Paul wrestled with his sin nature.  How did Paul handle this struggle between his “inner man” and “members of his body?”  How did this great Apostle deal with the duality of his nature, the angel on his one shoulder and the devil on the other?  

Through Christ alone.

I’m reminded of the song by the Christian hip-hop band, D.C. Talk, called “In the Light”.   The lyrics sum up my problem and my solution.  

“I keep trying to find a life on my own, apart from You.
I am the king of excuses, I’ve got one for every selfish thing I do.” 

The disease of self runs through my blood.  It’s a cancer fatal to my soul.  Every attempt on my behalf has failed to bring this sickness under control.

What’s going on inside of me?  I despise my own behavior.
This only serves to confirm my suspicions that I’m still a man in need of a Savior.”

Yesterday I lost a friend.  Today I gained another reminder.  I’m still a man in need of a Savior… from myself and my many sins.

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” – Edmund Burke