Category: General

Things that make you go, “Hmmmm.”

rodarters

There are many things that make me go, “Hmmmm.”   People who stand on street corners are one of them.

I’m not talking about people waiting for the bus or people trying to cross a street.   I’m talking about people who stand there with no clear mission or purpose.

I understand why street preachers preach.   I understand why the anti-abortion guy walks around our city pushing a stroller with a doll in it.   I understand why “ladies of the evening” strut down the road.   I understand why politicians stand on street corners and wave to cars on the eve of an election.  I understand why employees walk around with a picketing sign.  I even understand why sign spinners are dancing in front of their store.   I don’t necessarily agree with any of their reasons or methods, but I do understand why they do it.

What I do not understand is this:

The sign reads, “It’s all about how we treat one another on earth.”

What would prompt a grown woman to wear orange gloves and stand on a busy street corner with a sign that reads, “It’s all about how we treat one another on earth.” 

She couldn’t be happier.  She couldn’t wave more enthusiastically.   She couldn’t smile any bigger.  She couldn’t look any sillier.

What is she doing there?   Did she lose a bet?   Is she on a new reality TV show I have not heard about yet?   Is this her calling in life?  Is this some sort of cruel & unusual punishment some unorthodox judge gave her?  Is she getting paid to do this?  If so, who would pay for such a thing?  Barney??  If she is not getting paid for this, what motivates her to do it?   What is her end goal?  How does she know if she is successful?   I truly want to know.

Of course, I don’t want to get out of my car to find out.   She may try to recruit me to join her and I hate saying no to happy people.  Why can’t these people ever post their email address??

Come to think of it, she was out there on the day before our National election.  Perhaps there is a connection there?   We tend to be pretty ugly to each other when it comes to politics.  And religion.  And sports.   Maybe her message is more important than we think – particularly in this divisive climate we find ourselves in.

Last night as I was driving home, I came upon a woman who drove her car into a ditch.  I couldn’t help but laugh (on the inside) as that was my mother’s worst fear for me as a teenage driver.  Here she was, a mother herself, with her car in a literal ditch.  Naturally, I stopped to help.  Within minutes, two other men also offered their services.

A picture of me directing traffic.

I directed traffic, the man with the truck attached a chain to her car and the third gentlemen guided the car out of the ditch.  It was a good Samaritan moment – a true team effort.  Because of where her car was stuck, it caused traffic to back up on three different intersecting roads.  Because of this, directing traffic was essential to not only get her car out but for everyone’s safety.   While the three of us worked feverishly to get her car unstuck, someone in line decided to lay on their horn.  Repeatedly.  I couldn’t help but wonder why.   Because of where the car was stuck, everyone in all three lines of traffic could see what we were doing.  They could see that we were working as hard and fast as we could to get everyone on their way.   And yet this person honked like an angry goose.  It made me go, “Hmmmm.”

What is it with some people?  One impatiently honks at you for helping a stranded stranger while another stands on a street corner smiling with an overly friendly sign for no apparent reason.

This holiday season, I’m going to smile more.  I’m going to continue to help parents who end up in the ditches they warn us about.  I’m going to open more doors, pull out lady chairs, say “please” and “thank you” and “sir” and “ma’am” to everyone in my path and honk less.  And I’m going to do it without a sign telling me to.

That should make people go, “Hmmmm.”

Our insecurities and what they can teach us

rodarters

From our earliest childhood memory, we remember singing about the beloved reindeer Rudolph and his cute little red nose.  As the story goes, Rudolph was different, born unique among the other reindeer.  Though normal in every other way, he had one feature that brought unwanted attention.  In fact, that one “birth defect” brought him immense embarrassment and his father much shame.  Though they both tried, Rudolph and his father were unsuccessful in hiding his glowing blemish.  The popular song highlights his “problem” and pain:

“Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose.   And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows.   All of the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.  They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.”

In many ways, we can relate with Rudolph.  Though we are relatively normal, we all have at least one attribute that has become a source of insecurity for us.  Many of us take great measures to hide it from view.  I have come to realize that we are an extremely insecure race.  Even though we are clearly the most intelligent and highest form of life on our planet – even made in the image of God (Genesis 1:26-27), some among us are plagued by our insecurities.

By contrast, the animal kingdom is not.  Giraffes do not feel bad about their long neck.  Frogs are not shy about their awful croak.  Panda Bears are not insecure about their weight.  Pigs do not apologize for their lack of hygiene.  Every animal seems to move around oblivious to their glaring physical oddities and thinks nothing of how they were made.  Even the ones behind a cage in a zoo seem impervious to the fact that they are being stared at BECAUSE of their particular physical attributes.  As humans, we struggle with our own insecurities when no one is watching us.  Can you imagine if we were caged and on display because of them?

Since everyone has insecurities, it is the honest people who admit to them. Transparent people reveal them to others.  Brave people face them.  Secure people embrace theirs.  Regardless of how we handle them, the important thing to remember is that everyone has some – even if they are very different from those around you.

For example, a child’s insecurities can be different from an adult’s.  A man’s insecurities are usually different from a woman’s.  The old have different ones than the young.  And for the most part, our insecurities can hinder how we view not only ourselves, but others as well.   Whether they are legitimate or not, they oftentimes cause problems within our relationships.  Like it or not, we respond (or react) through the lens of our insecurity and as a result create problems that wouldn’t otherwise be there.

Our insecurities are seemingly endless.  Some are insecure about their weight, possessing too much of it or not enough.  Others are insecure about their hair and how gray it is or how much is missing.   Some are insecure about their finances or their teeth or their physique or their relationships or their breath or their clothes or their _______________ (fill in the blank).   Even as you read this, your particular insecurity/insecurities come to the forefront of your mind.  For some of us, they were formed at a very early age and we have diligently carried them with us ever since.  Other insecurities have been with us a relatively short time and perhaps we are struggling to deal them.  Some appear as our bodies change.  Others arrive because of a comment aimed at our direction.  Many blame the media for creating a standard that no one can live up to.  Even if you successfully overcome one insecurity, another may arise days later and the fight is on again.

It is no surprise that countless companies have risen up to help us address each and every insecurity we face.  Do you have hair missing from certain sections of your head?  Try Rogaine.  Is your hair turning gray?  We have Clairol for that.  Are you shorter than you desire?  Take a human growth hormone or purchase some platform shoes.  Do you struggle with your weight?  Take Adipex, a pill known to suppress your appetite.  Or purchase a diet plan. There are dozens to choose from.  Is your skin wrinkled?  Use Retin-A, a cream that promises to remove wrinkles.  The list goes on and on.  In fact, the only thing longer than the list of our insecurities is the list of products claiming to help you overcome them. From teeth whitening to eyelash thickeners to breast enhancement to nose jobs to tanning salons – we can purchase the ointment to every insecurity ailment.  In our capitalist market, there will always be a company that is willing to take your money to help you feel better about yourself.

I have had several insecurities that I have dealt with for a number of years.  One is my life-threatening allergy to peanuts.  Though that allergy may be more common today, I had the allergy before anyone knew it existed.  Whenever you are a child and are the only one with a certain “condition”, you feel weird and are often alienated or teased.   I related to Rudolph’s isolation.

A birthday gift from a relative. Yea, I feel loved.

Since a staple food in elementary school is peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, I could not eat with my friends.  Even the smell of peanut butter could trigger an allergic reaction.  I remember eating most school lunches at the table by myself.  To a child, nothing says “You’re a freak” more than sitting by yourself in the school cafeteria lunchroom.  To complicate my already fragile self-esteem, my parents made me wear the embarrassing “Medic-Alert” bracelet.  No other child had this shackle on their wrist.  I also had to carry around an Epi-Pen – the antidote injection in case I was ever exposed to a deadly peanut.  No other child had to keep an enormous life-saving pen in their pocket.  Many times my Mom would act like the secret service and make sure the atmosphere was peanut-free before my arrival to a certain event.  I remember the humiliating feeling of sucking joy from other children’s lives after they realized they could not enjoy a peanut butter treat simply because “Rod was here.”

I have come to realize that we all need some help in addressing our insecurities.  Below are some thoughts that have helped me along the years.  Our insecurities can teach us valuable lessons, if we are willing to learn from them.  Here is what mine have taught me:

  • I’m not perfect.  I know this isn’t shocking to learn (particularly if you know me personally) but marinate on that truth for a minute.  You are not perfect either.  Nor is anyone else.  And while you struggle with your particular insecurity, just know that everyone else has their own area of imperfection to wrestle with.   Whether you are a businessman, Mother, People Magazine’s sexiest man alive, Victoria Secret model or the President of the United States, you have insecurities just like the rest of us.  In fact, some of the most attractive, intelligent, successful people have the most insecurities.
  • My self-worth is not influenced by my blemishes.  At least it shouldn’t be.  I’m not less valuable or less lovable because of my perceived “defects.”   I am simply more unique.  So what if you are shorter than your friends.  So what if you weigh more than your husband.  So what if your teeth aren’t as straight as your Dentist – you are still an important person.  You are still loved by someone.  Your life still matters.  Instead of focusing on the ONE area that you hate, spend more time thinking about the dozens of areas that are positive. Don’t let your insecurity define you.  Don’t let it steal your joy or keep you from living the abundant life God desires for you. (John 10:10)
  • My defects keep me humble.  Sometimes I entertain the thought that I’m awesome.   Occasionally I think about certain aspects about my life and like what I see.  And as I am creating “Rod for President” signs in my head and imagining the ticker tape parade in my honor – a particular insecurity will rear its ugly head and remind me to climb down from cloud 9 and enter back into the world of reality.  Though I may have some areas of my life that are going well there are other areas that are still messy.  For every three things I like about myself, I can find four that I really need to change.  The thought process keeps me humble.  In spite of my brief moments of success, I still have a long way to go.
  • My imperfections make me compassionate. It is easy to look upon the imperfections of others and look down on them or make fun of them.  Weak people do this.  Sadly, this exercise is perfected during our school years.  How many of us have hidden scars from things that were said by classmates about our childhood imperfections?  As you clearly identify your own insecurities, it should make you more compassionate as you see the imperfections of others.  Until you are perfect, you have no right pointing out the imperfections in others.  Benjamin Franklin once admonished, “Search others for their virtues, yourself for your vices.”
  • I have my particular “shiny red nose” for a reason.  It’s not an accident that I’m allergic to peanut butter or that you struggle with your weight.  For whatever reason, this particular struggle was tailor-made for us.  Our “defect” was handpicked.  Maybe mine was given to me so that I could truly discover what makes me important.  Maybe I have blemishes to keep me humble or make me more compassionate towards others?  Perhaps I have mine so that I could be in a position to help others with a similar “affliction.”   Maybe there is another kid out there who sits alone at the lunchroom table and he just needs to know that he is not as alone as he feels.

Rudolph went to great lengths to cover his red nose.  Apparently in New York City for the low-cost of $20,000, there are some painful injections I could take over a period of six months that would cure me of my peanut allergy. No thank you. I don’t need a Reese’s candy bar that badly.  But, it does raise an interesting question.  Is it wrong to try to address a particular insecurity you wrestle with?   On one hand, if God created you with that particular feature, shouldn’t we learn to embrace it and not feel we are inadequate with our current state?  But then again, we do live in an era where modern technology allows us to change the things we do not like about ourselves. It’s hard to condemn a breast enhancement when orthodontic braces are given for the same reason – a desire to improve one’s appearance.  It seems hypocritical to speak against a nose job when a gym membership is often purchased by an identical goal – vanity.  Whether it is Liposuction or Lasik eye surgery, is it wrong to try to improve the areas we view as defective – particularly since technology allows such improvements?  And even if we were to embrace our every imperfection, that does not mean everyone else will – and that is usually the root cause of our attempt to “fix” what is “wrong” with us.  Like everyone else on the planet we just want to be accepted.   At the end of the day, we all want to play in the reindeer games.

Some might question why a loving God would create us with certain afflictions.  Doesn’t He understand how “defects” will be received in our judgmental world?  Maybe from His perspective they aren’t defects at all.  Maybe what we consider a liability, He considers an asset.  While we (and others) may look upon our imperfections with disgust, God looks at His children’s differences with delight.  He didn’t make us freaks but uniques.  Perhaps our greatest perceived weakness is actually a source of great strength?   In fact, when God picks His team, He doesn’t seem to choose with the same criteria we use.  While we select people based on their assets, God prefers to select people who are plagued with liabilities.  The Apostle Paul takes notice of this in I Corinthians 1,

“Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth.  But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.  God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things — and the things that are not — to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before Him.”

Even Paul personally understood afflictions and their accompanying insecurity.  Paul was privileged to see things about God that no one else could see.  For His own reasons, God enabled Paul to witness some amazing revelations.  As a result, those revelations had a price tag.  He records his thoughts in II Corinthians 12:

“…because of these surpassingly great revelations…in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

God doesn’t choose us because we are strong or smart or attractive or intelligent or athletic or gifted or thin or rich or for any reason we choose those we love.  He doesn’t even choose us because we are good (Romans 5:8).  He chooses us in spite of our lowly condition so that we would truly understand our worth.  We are not worthy because we are inherently loveable or good.  We are worthy because He is.  He takes the unholy and makes it holy.  He takes the secular and makes it sacred.  He transforms losers into winners and the lost into found.  Only He can take something weak and make it strong.   Only He can take something old and make it new.

As far as Rudolph is concerned – nothing changed.  The nose he began with is the nose he ends with.  His nose didn’t change, his acceptance of it did.  Though his friends and family initially treated him poorly because of it, it was Santa that loved him in spite of it and showed him how his biggest insecurity was really the source of his greatest asset.  His most embarrassing feature became the cause of his highest promotion!

What perceived blemish or defect is keeping you in hiding?  What are you doing with your shiny red nose?  Perhaps it is time to embrace your imperfections and see what God can do in you and through you – in spite of it.

 

Hitting “Rock Bottom”

rodarters

Whenever you hear the phrase “rock bottom”, it is usually describing someone’s imploding personal life.  It implies that they are at their lowest possible level or at the absolute bottom in their circumstances.  The unfortunate soul who is struggling would most likely agree they have never been so low.  In regards to their situation you will sometimes hear them say something like, “It can’t get any worse.”  To them, it is truly rock bottom.  Those nearest them always know it could be worse.  Even much worse.  Oftentimes, their situation does get worse before it ever starts to improve.

Rock bottom varies from person to person.  For some, rock bottom could be reached with the death of a loved one.  For another it may be the loss of a job or the loss of a relationship or the loss of health or wealth.   It could come as a result of a tragic accident or even the betrayal of a friend or lover.  Some end up at rock bottom because of an addiction.  Others hit bedrock because of their pride.

Anyone can find themselves at rock bottom.  It does not seem to be a respecter of age, gender, social status or race.  Whether you are a sitting President or a pastor, teacher, student, coach, athlete, Mom, rock star, actor, musician, politician, college student, solider, CEO, janitor or reality TV star – you are not immune to rock bottom status.  For some, the journey is a slow downward spiral to the pit.  For others, it happens in an instant.  Life is fragile like that.

Of all the places one can be on earth, rock bottom may be the saddest.  While there, the struggler often feels helpless and hopeless. There is relatively little light at the end of their dark tunnel and any light they see is usually just an oncoming train.  It is in that lonely place that you ultimately learn who really loves you… who your true friends are.  Sadly, you often realize you have fewer friends than you first thought.  Not many people enjoy rock bottom company.

Most describe their time at rock bottom as the worst experience of their life.  Others claim it was the best thing that has ever happened to them.  Some have used their time at rock bottom to catapult them to heights they could never have reached otherwise.   Life, it seems, is full of paradoxes.  Sometimes, you have to go down before you can go up.  Sometimes, before you can get rich you have to experience poverty.  It is for this reason that hitting rock bottom may be a blessing in disguise.

What I find fascinating about rock bottom is how people handle their time there differently.  You could deliver the same devastating blow to three different people and get three completely different responses.  Rock bottom, for one, can utterly defeat them.  Crippled by their situation, they never fully recover from the experience.  For someone else, their pride is concreted and they refuse to admit anything, especially defeat.  For yet another, they humbly embrace the temporary defeat and it eventually becomes the catalyst needed to change their life forever.    

We have no shortage of rock bottom stories in our culture.  All I have to do is mention a name and you can instantly recall their rock bottom experience; Bill Clinton, Michael Vick, Martha Stewart, Tiger Woods, Jerry Sandusky, Bernie Madoff, OJ Simpson, Lindsay Lohan, etc.  It seems that another celebrity is added to the list every week in the evening news.   Each person reached their rock bottom in different ways.  Some committed crimes. Some broke vows.  A few struggle with addiction.  While occasionally some are victims of another’s selfishness, most are there through self-inflicted wounds.   Whether they are behind bars or walking free, they all have had to wrestle with their rock bottom status.  I have had a few of my own rock bottom experiences. They were simultaneously the best and worst experiences of my life.  Maybe you have had yours?   Or maybe yours is yet to come.  Whether your rock bottom experience is forced upon you or you invited it in – the important thing is how you respond to it and how you learn from it.  Just because you are at the bottom does not mean you have to stay there.  

The other week I was sitting in church singing the popular hymn, Amazing Grace.  I was reflecting on the powerful words and my broken past:

“Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.   I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see.”

Written by John Newton, a former slave owner turned Pastor, I had read about his immoral past and rock bottom experience.  His story and life are remarkable.  If God can redeem a man like that, He can redeem any man – even me.  Like Newton, I have not lived a perfect life.  I have made a lot of mistakes and I have hurt a lot of people in the process.  There are days when I feel like the word “wretch” would be a compliment. 

As I sat in church, singing the hymn and marveling at God’s grace towards me – I glanced to my left to see an older gentlemen sitting a few seats away.   In his mid 60’s, he sat alone.  What caught my attention was his attire.  He was wearing blue jeans with an NFL jersey, obviously in support of his favorite team, the Philadelphia Eagles.  What struck me was the name on the back of his jersey, “Vick.”   With over 50 players to choose from, this man’s favorite was Michael Vick, mentioned above.  By all accounts, Vick is an extremely talented player.  He is also an extremely controversial one.  In 2007, he was convicted of animal cruelty in an illegal interstate dog fighting ring and spent almost 2 years in prison for his crimes. Not only did he lose his lucrative position as an NFL Quarterback as well as numerous product endorsements, he was also ordered to pay back over $20 million dollars to the Atlanta Falcons for a breach of contract.   On top of the financial losses, he lost his overall popularity and good name, a price more valuable than wealth (Proverbs 22:1). To say Vick was at rock bottom would be an understatement.  One day he is soaring as a Falcon.  The next day he’s a grounded jail-bird. 

To animal lovers, he is hated – even five years later.  To football fans, he is still loved – in spite of his past.  For all of us, it makes for interesting conversation around the water cooler at work. What do we do with someone who fell to the bottom and has tried to do everything he can to climb back on top?  Do we villain-ize someone for their past?  I mean, don’t we all have a past too – even if it’s not as egregious?  Must he still be shunned today for yesterday’s poor choices?  Have we not all made poor choices at some point, even if we were adults when we made them? Vick served his time and is paying off the debt with his dime.  Isn’t that what is required for restoration?  Or do we believe the popular mantra that “A leopard can’t change his spots?”  Most of us, deep down, do not want to believe that.  If Michael Vick can’t change his spots, then what makes us think we can change ours?    

For the record, I like dogs.  I’m pro-animal.  I don’t own a fur anything.  But I’m also pro-grace and pro-second chances, particularly with someone who wants it.  Too many professional athletes are poor role models.  The Old Michael Vick would have been in that category.  But how many pro-athletes try to reverse their past and redeem their mistakes?  How many try to correct their wrongs and promote the cause they once worked so hard to destroy?   I’m not condoning Michael Vick’s past or trying to minimize the crimes he perpetrated.  But, I do applaud the time he spent and the time he spends trying to change not only his image but the evil industry he once profited from.   

Near the end of his prison term, Michael Vick’s representatives approached the Human Society of the United States (HSUS) to see how Michael might be used to help their cause.  Initially, they were very skeptical of his involvement, for obvious reasons.  When asked why they didn’t choose a different celebrity to help combat this problem, they replied, “Michael Vick was a role model for many young people, and he lost everything because of what he did to dogs. His story is the strongest possible example of why dog fighting is a dead-end. Just as former drug addicts are able to reach people struggling with addiction, former dogfighters are some of the most effective voices against this crime. We realized the potential that Vick has to reach at-risk youth and pull them out of the quicksand of animal fighting…we decided that shunning Vick forever would do no good for any animal.  He has expressed his remorse and his desire to help more animals than he harmed by being an advocate for the humane treatment of animals.  Vick paid $1 million for the care and rehabilitation of the dogs at Bad Newz Kennels. Now he contributes his time and his voice to attacking the problem by reaching out to inner-city youth.”

THAT is the beauty of being at rock bottom for whatever reason you are there.  Even if your foolish choices brought you there, you can make better decisions in the future to pick yourself up and put you in a position to help others.  You can actually do more good than you ever did harm, if you can get the help you need and get on the right track. Michael Vick, as controversial as his past is, may be the best voice out there to speak against dog-fighting and animal cruelty.

Disagree with me?  Then rip the book of Romans out of your Bible.  While you are at it, remove 1 & 2 Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, 1 & 2 Thessalonians, 1 & 2 Timothy, Titus, and the letter to Philemon as well.   Why?  Because those 13 books of the New Testament were written by someone who (before he hit rock bottom) was actively trying to kill Christians.  Before the Apostle Paul was a Bible writing, Christianity promoting, Jesus loving disciple, he was known as Saul – a massive persecutor of the Church and known executioner of Christians.  God didn’t show grace because of Paul’s past.  He showed grace in spite of Paul’s past.  But isn’t that who grace is for?  People who don’t deserve it?  Grace has the power to change any man.  This is what Newton was talking about in the aforementioned hymn, “Twas grace that taught my heart to fear and grace my fears relieved.  How precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed.”

God can use squeaky clean people to speak His squeaky clean truth.  But most of the time, He calls sinners to talk to other sinners about the dangers of sin.  Who else is more credible to speak on such a topic?  The best person to reach a prostitute is a former prostitute.  The most qualified person to reach a murderer is someone who understands what it’s like to hide a body.  The most credible person to reach a thief is the one who used to pick your pocket.

Have you been to rock bottom yet?   What did you learn on your way down?   What did you do to get back up?  Who have you been able to help as a result of your experience?  You are now uniquely equipped in a way you never were before.  How are you using your new platform to help those on their way down or those who are having trouble getting back up?

Love him or hate him, Michael Vick is showing all of us how to hit rock bottom and get back up again.  How many future dogs will be saved because of his fall from grace?     

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” – II Corinthians 1:3-4

“Things are tough all over, But I’ve got good news
When you get down to nothin’, You’ve got nothin’ to lose
Anyway, rock bottom, Is good solid ground
And a dead end street, Is just a place to turn around”  

– Rock Bottom song, Wynonna Judd

Still here…

rodarters

I decided to check on the kids sleeping soundly in their beds.  When I last left my six-year-old (7 hours ago) I was kneeling by his bedside, tucking him in with our routine of prayers, snuggles and songs (See “The bedtime routine” for more about that).  Just as I walked over towards him, he was struggling with one of his blankets. Apparently he was cold and needed more covers.   Without a word, I helped him.  Somehow, he sensed “help” and looked up to see me and said with surprise in his voice,

“Daddy, you’re still here?”

“Yea, son, I’m still here – just watching you sleep.”   He smiled and was out cold.

I liked the thought of him thinking that I had not moved.  Yep, for 7 straight hours I simply stood there, at attention, waiting for the moment when he needed more covers.   That is why I am Dad of the Year, in my head.   What a glorious parenting fluke that I happened to be there for his brief need.

Instantly, I thought of Psalm 121, particularly verses 3 & 4.   Hands down, it has been my mantra the last three years.  It is my “go-to” verse when I need some encouragement.

“I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; From where shall my help come?
2 My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth.
3 He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber.
4 Behold, He who keeps Israel Will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The Lord is your keeper; The Lord is your shade on your right hand.
6 The sun will not smite you by day, Nor the moon by night.
7 The Lord will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul.
8 The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and forever.”

God never slumbers.  God never sleeps.  In fact, when I wake up in my sleepless state, He’s looking down with His all-encompassing presence saying, “I’m still here.”   Normally, I would say that someone watching you sleep is creepy.  Unless you’re a parent.  There is something beautiful about watching your child sleep.  Interestingly, tonight, soon after Andrew fell asleep, I snapped this picture.   “Awww” is the appropriate response.

I’m not sure what’s going on in your life, but God is “still there.”  Whether you need another blanket or your needs are far more serious than that, God is there to “cover you” as needed.   The Maker of Heaven and Earth is “still here” to help you “make it”.  The Keeper of Israel keeps watch over you as well.  While He manages the Universe, He somehow manages to not leave your side – even while you sleep.  As the Psalmist reminds us, He can protect from evil, guard your movements and keep your soul.   Only a “still here” Father can do that.   His “still here” is not a glorious parenting fluke.  He literally never leaves you, morning or night.  In the midst of our extremely lonely world, we have a 24/7 God.

The current events of our world do not distract Him from His children.   Your daily troubles are no trouble for Him.  What is a BIG concern to you is of no concern to Him.  Though we tend to worry about everything, God worries about nothing.  Literally nothing.  What looks like a Giant to us reminds Him of a grain of sand.   If He can govern the Sun and navigate a moon, surely He can help us in our time of need.  He is simultaneously our “refuge and strength, ready to help when we need Him.” (Psalm 46:1).

It is for this reason that Peter tells us to “cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.”  (I Peter 5:7)   Jesus reminds us, “For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not worth much more than they?” (Matthew 6)

I’m not sure what woke up me tonight.  In the middle of my stressful life, maybe I just needed a reminder that He’s still awake.  He’s not falling asleep on the job.  Whatever was on my mind, it’s on His mind too.  He’ll take care of it, in His time.  My goal is simply to do the right thing and trust Him.

He’s still here.  He’ll provide the blanket.  For me and for you.

Modern day Ebenezers

rodarters

Every day, one of my 806 Facebook friends will write some sort of memorializing post (similar to the ones below) commemorating an important date, event or significant milestone in their life.

  • “I can’t believe that one year ago today my life changed completely. I became a mother of two beautiful little girls.”
  • “It was on this date, 15 years ago, that I proposed to my wife.”
  • “I ran 4.2 miles today burning 341 calories.”
  • “Remembering Dad today.  He died from cancer on this date four years ago.  I still miss him.”

You probably have many of your friends doing the same thing.  Prior to Facebook, Hallmark had the monopoly on this market.  Before that, cavemen wrote on cave walls.  Today, we write on Facebook ones.

Understandably, we remember birthdays.   We celebrate holidays.   We remember dates like 9-11 since they are seared into our National conscience.   But we also remember tragic anniversaries, death dates, divorce dates & other dates we wish to forget.

Why do we do this?   Why do we feel the need to make some sort of public recognition about certain dates or events in our life?  Even the painful ones?   There are probably many emotional reasons for this practice, but these stand out to me:

Our history is important.   In school we learned about Napolean’s battles, George Washington’s victories & Abraham Lincoln’s assassination. We studied the rise and fall of the nations – from the Roman Empire to Hitler’s Germany.  We learned countless dates.  “In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.”  December 7, 1941 is “a date which will live in infamy.”   Growing up, most of us complained in school that “history is boring” and yet, the older we get – the more important it becomes to all of us.  What are the dates in your personal history that are important to you?   Besides obvious birth dates and anniversaries, what other events are significant “markers”, personal to your family?

We have a need to remember.  It is commonly recognized that we are a forgetful people.   I can barely remember what I need to buy at the grocery store, let alone remember certain events from my past.  Because of this, we must find a way to remember the important things from the past so that we can remember them in the future.  Oh, how I wish I took the time – as a new Dad – to write down all the things my children said as they were growing up.  The older we are, the more we forget.  I wish I knew more stories about myself from childhood.  Older parents had to use old-fashioned things like paper and pencil, 35 mm film or trust our memories.  Modern day parents are able to utilize Facebook walls, upload videos on YouTube and take pictures with Instagram to remember the quickly fading present.

The Nation of Israel had been slaves to the Egyptians for centuries.  After 430 years, God had finally led His people out of bondage and into freedom.  Though Moses was instrumental in getting them out of the captivity of Egypt, Joshua would be the one to lead them to the “Promised Land.”  But Israel had proven to be a forgetful people.  By anyone’s definition, God’s actions were truly unforgettable and yet Israel was quick to forget.  Time after time, they saw God move on their behalf.  You would think these miracles would never be forgotten.  How can a generation forget the plague of frogs?  How do you watch water come from a rock in the desert and not remember God’s provision?  How could anyone cross over a massive river or sea, on dry ground, TWICE and not remember it?   Apparently, God knows us better than we know ourselves.  As soon as Israel had crossed the Jordan River and were in the Promised Land, God commanded Joshua to “…take up twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan, from right where the priests are standing, and carry them over with you and put them down at the place where you stay tonight.” (Joshua 4:2-3)

Why would God want them to collect rocks?   For the same reason my daughter collects seashells at the beach.  To remember where we have been.

Joshua then explains the meaning of the rocks to the nation,

“Let this be a sign among you, so that when your children ask later, saying, ‘What do these stones mean to you?’ then you shall say to them, ‘Because the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord; when it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off.’   So these stones shall become a memorial to the sons of Israel forever.” (Joshua 4)

Years later, Israel found themselves in a battle with the Philistines.  The nomadic nation of Israel was no match for the powerful Philistine army.  They cried out to God who “thundered with a great thunder on that day against the Philistines and confused them, so that they were routed before Israel.”  So grateful was Israel for this victory that Samuel, their High Priest, “took a stone and named it Ebenezer, saying, “Thus far the Lord has helped us.” (I Samuel 7)

From that point on, the word “Ebenezer” has become synonymous with remembering our past.  Facebook is one of our modern-day Ebenezers.   It helps some of us record our personal histories.  It helps others remember the lessons God teaches us.

About three years ago, I went through one of the worst experiences of my life.  Without getting into the gritty, messy details – my life was falling apart and I was about as destitute as I have ever been.   I felt friendless, helpless, hopeless and was literally living day-to-day struggling on every level.   An older woman from my church asked if I would replace her old bathroom sink with a new vanity.  Being a “Jack of all trades”, I was happy to oblige and get my mind off of my painful life.  I opened the cabinet doors and began to remove the old sink.  While I was laying under her sink, water dripping on my head, my back in pain from the difficult angle I had to be in – I realized that this was not going to be an easy task.  Of course, at that moment in my life – everything was a struggle.  It was fitting that this was no different.  While I lay under her sink trying to remove the old fixture, I could see that the only thing that was stopping me from success was one tiny little nut.  This particular nut, which had clearly been on this annoying screw for over 30 years, was the only thing keeping me from removing the old sink.  For over an hour, I tried to loosen it.  I tried to nudge it.  I used a wrench.  I used a hammer.  I used WD-40.  I used “elbow grease.”  I used brute force.  I tried finesse.  Convinced the nut was demon possessed, I even started praying.   NOTHING would cause this thing to budge.

I finally put down my tools and laid quietly under the sink considering my next move.  Suddenly, tears started rolling down my cheeks.  Stunned, I realized I was crying.  I had a feeling this was not normal plumber behavior.  I felt utterly defeated.  Then I had an epiphany: This was no longer just a job for me.  I had come to realize that this “favor” was no longer about replacing a sink or removing a nut.   This task had just become intensely personal.  The nut was no longer a nut.  The nut had become a physical manifestation for the problems in my life.  It represented all the junk in my past.  Was I going to defeat it or was I going to let the nut defeat me?  Something powerful happened to me that day, under the sink.

With the steel resolve of a warrior plumber, I had decided with an iron-clad commitment that I was not relieving the pain of my back until that nut was removed.  For another 30 minutes, it was mano y sinko; man vs sink.  It was a battle to the death and I was going to win it.  I was going to not only remove this nut, I was going to remove the junk from my past that caused all this pain.  I was not only going to replace this sink, I was going to replace my baggage with a brand new suitcase.  I wasn’t going to be a victim.  I was going to be a victor.  I didn’t know how I was going to do it, that was mere details.  I just decided it was going to happen.  And it did.   The nut finally succumbed to my relentless perseverance.   Within the hour, a new sink was in.  My friend was thrilled.  All she saw was a new vanity.  I saw a new perspective on life.  She had no idea of the spiritual, emotional, historical moment I had just experienced.

I tell you this story for one simple reason.   I raised an Ebenezer that day.  I kept the nut, put it on a necklace and wore it as a trophy for months.  It was the oddest piece of jewelry but at that point, one of the most valuable things I owned.   When others saw it, they merely saw a beat up nut.  I saw so much more.   And THAT is why Ebenezers are important.   That is why dates matter.  That’s why we need to record our histories, not just for our sake but for the sake of those that follow us.

What are your Ebenezers?   What mementos do you have that point to a particularly poignant time or event from your past?   What stories do you need to communicate to your children or grandchildren before you are gone and the memories are gone with you?

Your kids will only ask, “What do these stones mean to you?” if they can see them.

This is an example of one of our national Ebenezers. The man who placed it there clearly recognized, “Thus far the Lord has helped us.”

The danger of rewarding everyone for nothing

rodarters

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My son graduated from kindergarten last year.  

Think about that sentence for a minute. 

Let it sink in. 

Chances are, you won’t see anything wrong with the first five words.  I’ll try to help you with emphasis:

My son GRADUATED from KINDERGARTEN.  

Until his teacher informed me of some official ceremony marking the occasion, I wasn’t aware that Kindergarten was something you actually graduated from.

When I finished Kindergarten, I quietly passed into 1st grade.  There was no ceremony.  There was no special Powerpoint presentation on my year or talk about my accomplishments with any fan fare.  (“Rod really grasped the concept of numbers and the difference between a square and a circle.  We were so proud when he could color within the lines.”)    I merely did what I was supposed to do and moved on.  And I think that is where my problem lies with the graduation concept at Kindergarten.  It’s not that I think an individual graduation ceremony for my kindergartener is going to ruin him.   The ceremony that was put together was very nice and very meaningful for me, as a parent.  What parent doesn’t love to hear about their child’s amazing progress – even if that progress is centered on scissors, paste and crayons.   The problem lies in the subtle expectation of receiving a reward (or acknowledgement) for everything, especially if it’s something he has to do anyway.  I think it provides a disservice to our children for two primary reasons.  One has to do with doing the right thing.  The other has to do with their motivation; doing those right things for the right reason.

  1. Children (even us big children) should always seek to do the right thing, at all times – simply because it is the right thing to do.  Whether it’s at home, school or work – we should always seek to be the model child, student or employee – regardless of who is watching.  We correct the cashier when she gives us too much change because it is the right thing to do.   We work until 5pm because that is when our shift ends, not because the boss is still there to see us.  Our true character is who we really are when no one is watching.   We must fight the urge to only do right when it is visible to others.  We also must fight the expectation to receive a reward for doing what is expected.  
  2. We should not only seek to do right things – we should seek to do them for right reasons.  When someone expects recognition for an action they were supposed to do anyway – it takes away the desire to do right for right’s sake.  My son should not get a medal for mowing the family lawn.  My daughter should not get a prize for clearing the family table after dinner.  My children should not expect a giddy reaction from me when they make their bed or an extra allowance for keeping their room clean.   We all should be encouraged to do the right thing, simply because it is the right thing – not so we can get some award or reward out of it.   Someone should return a lost dog, simply because it is lost – not because there is a $1,000 prize for doing so.   Occasionally you will hear a story of a person who finds a large sum of money and returns it.  The reason it makes the evening news is because of how rare it is.   I am not saying we should not applaud when someone does the right thing.  But somehow we need to train a child (or us) how to applaud themselves for doing the right thing – even if it occurs silently and invisibly, unnoticed by the public or their parents.

It used to be you had 2 graduation ceremonies to attend; your high school and your college.  Both are significant achievements and are worthy of recognition.   Both are  also among the top most boring events you will ever attend in your life.  They are right up there with getting a new license for the DMV and waiting for your car oil to be changed.  For this reason, I chose not to attend my high school graduation.  When they called my name, I was in London, England enjoying a three-month trip.  I tried to escape my college graduation but could not get past my parents desire to make sure it actually happened.   In both graduations, something significant happened.  Students successfully fulfilled the state’s academic requirements and thus were able to “move on” to the next stage in their life.   Though most do graduate from those 4 year programs, it is still a significant achievement and worthy of recognition.  Those who excelled beyond the minimum graduation standards should be recognized for their outstanding achievements.  To graduate Cumma Sum Laude is special and should be recognized as such.

But do we really need a middle school graduation?  Or a kindergarten graduation?   What’s next?  “You came back to school after your summer break” ceremony?   “Great job on doing your homework” pep rally?  You see this same disturbing trend in sports.   Whereas it used to be that only the winning team gets a trophy, now every team gets one.   In my son’s nine-year old soccer league, every player on every team walked away with a trophy.   I can’t help to think that the Trophy industry is pushing this trend. 

As a coach, I found myself contributing to  the “no child left un-recognized” syndrome and even came up with a creative award for every child – even if the child picked dandelions all season.   (Incidently, that child would receive “The Dandelion Defender” award.)  One year, I had a child who just could not get the concept of staying in position.  She was all over the field all the time.  At her age, it was cute.  If she kept that practice beyond 7th grade, she’d be cut from the team.   Her award was the “Visa Card Award.  She was “everywhere she wanted to be.”  See?  Even I perpetuated the problem!

As a parent, I do understand the pressure of wanting to encourage a discouraged (or untalented) child and not hurt your precious one’s feelings.  At the same time, as an athlete, I understand the frustration of working hard to achieve a goal only to have everyone recognized in the same way for not achieving it.

The reality is – not everyone wins.  Not everyone comes in first.  Not everyone reaches a milestone that deserves to be recognized.  And for that reason, we shouldn’t reward them for it.   It minimizes the actual accomplishment and cheapens the experience for those who actually achieved it.

Eventually, our children will have to realize that life isn’t fair.  Their boss will not reward them for having the least amount of sales in the organization.  Their manager will not congratulate them for showing up on time.   The company will not provide an all expense paid trip to Funville for missing expected quotas.  No one is going to hold a special recognition meeting when they open a new account.   THAT is why you were hired and your special recognition comes in the form of a bi-monthly check.   If you do not do what you are supposed to do, do not expect a reward for not achieving it.

Let’s all try to do the right things simply because they are the right things to do.   Let’s all try to teach those in our sphere of influence to do those right things for the right reasons.  It will not only improve our overall work ethic and personal character, it will also help us receive less meaningless awards for average accomplishments.   Do we really need to waste a valuable night of our life receiving a “Dundie award” for simply showing up or having a pulse?  The reason the Dundie awards scene (From the hit sitcom “The Office”; Season 1, Episode 2) was so funny is because it was so ridiculously true.  As a culture, we are trending towards rewarding everyone for nothing.

By the way, if everyone would just comment below on how this is the best blog you have ever read, it would be appreciated.  After all, you don’t want to hurt my feelings, do you??

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9)

“And as for you, brothers and sisters, never tire of doing what is good.” (II Thessalonians 3:13)

Tear down this wall!

rodarters

Walls generally serve at least one of three purposes; to keep something protected within, to protect from the dangers without, or to allow a degree of privacy.

In 1961, communist East Germany had erected a wall to prevent her people from entering democratic West Germany. As walls tend to do, it hindered freedom and discouraged relationships.

A small portion of the Berlin Wall, viewed from the Western side.

It didn’t just divide a city, it divided a country and by 1987, it was clearly more than just a wall. The famous structure had become a symbol of communist oppression. Known as “The Berlin Wall”, it was 12 feet high, almost 100 miles long and had only two openings for access, both heavily guarded checkpoints. And as far as every one knew, it wasn’t coming down any time soon.

On June 12, 1987, President Ronald Reagan issued a direct challenge to Soviet Leader Mikhail Gorbachev to destroy the Berlin Wall. Though the wall was outside his country’s jurisdiction, Gorbachev’s communist influence helped keep it intact. In a speech at the Brandenburg Gate, behind two bulletproof glass panes, President Reagan’s challenge was bold, yet simple:

“Mr. Gorbachev, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!”

We live among walls every day. Our homes are filled with them. Our schools and offices are lined by them. We paint them with our favorite colors and hang mirrors and paintings and photos on every one. We can’t go anywhere without seeing one since life would not be fun or safe without them. In many ways, they are necessary for our survival. We need a certain level of protection and privacy in order to function.

Walls, obviously, are not only physical in nature. Some of the biggest, strongest walls I have ever seen are emotionally constructed. Some of the most impenetrable walls that exist, live within the human heart. Think I am over-exaggerating? Ask any counselor who spends a career trying to unlock a person’s heart. Ask any social worker who deals with abused children. Ask any woman who has ever tried to love an emotionally unavailable man. They will tell you that in many cases it is easier to sledge-hammer through a 4 foot thick concrete wall than it is to penetrate an emotional wall surrounding a person’s heart.

From my biased vantage point, men tend to be more natural at wall building than women. It seems that men build their walls before being hurt. Women build theirs afterward. For being the gender known for bravery, acts of valor and courage – many men are emotional cowards, afraid of letting any portion of their wall down and exposing a tender heart. It’s not that men don’t have a heart, as some women believe. It’s that they are afraid to lower the complex steel scaffolding that surrounds theirs. For many men out there, they have spent years carefully building a fortress around their thoughts, emotions and true feelings. For those types of men, it is less perilous to defend a woman than truly talk to one. It’s easier to slay a ferocious dragon than to let down our emotional guard. I know, I used to be one of those men. In many ways, I’m a recovering emotional wall builder. Like an alcoholic, I am probably always one decision away from grabbing a brick and rebuilding a wall. Perhaps I’m not alone in this daily struggle.

Emotional walls are no respecter of person, gender, age, background or position. For many, emotional walls are created instinctively and out of necessity to protect a hidden secret, abused past or broken heart. Oftentimes they are erected out of fear, insecurity, rejection, abandonment, loss of relationship, traumatic experiences, bullying, criticism, etc. Regardless of their reason of existence, they are very real, very easy to assemble and once in place, very difficult to remove. Like a physical wall, emotional walls are normal and necessary. The existence of a wall is not the problem, it is the purpose of the wall and the reason for its existence that matters.

Because emotional walls are invisible, only the possessor knows if it is in place and how high it really is. Though it is there for a reason, even a good reason, it doesn’t mean it needs to remain – or even be that high. Though some walls are important for us to have, I would venture to say – most of the walls we keep up-end up hindering us more than protecting us.

Several months ago I took a flight for a business trip. While going through security, I noticed the TSA folks had stopped the dear old lady in the X-ray machine before me. She was pulled aside, apparently randomly, and searched rather extensively. Granted, she could have been an Al-Qaeda supporter. I guess there was a chance her girdle was strapped with explosives. I suppose it is possible that she was a Muslim terrorist. But, honestly she looked Grandma-ish. She had probably just baked chocolate chip cookies and read a story to a grandchild on her lap. Why do we frisk people like that? Because 11 years ago, some lunatics did the unthinkable causing us, as a nation, to put some “walls” up. Those walls are necessary for our protection – but they are also up (most times) for the wrong people. Though it keeps us safe from the abusers, it also keeps many good people out as well. In the same way, our emotional walls both help us and hinder us – often at the same time.

If you’re normal, you have emotional walls in place. If you’re transparent, you may admit that they have been up for too long. If you’re honest, you might agree that they are higher than they need to be. You may be successful in keeping abusive people out, but at the same time – you are preventing access to the positive people as well. Like chemotherapy to a cancer patient, it doesn’t just kill the bad cells. It kills all cells. Though chemo can be effective in its goal (removing the cancer), it also removes many positive aspects at the same time. Such is the same effect as most of our emotional walls.

When one falls off of a bike or a horse, a protective wall goes up and the fallen rider is tempted to never mount the seat again. Most of us would recognize, however, that it is in their best interest to get back on again, eventually…sooner rather than later. Though the fall is painful and a season of rest may be necessary, it doesn’t mean it should be permanent. When it comes to pain, though, most of us prefer physical over emotional. We’d rather deal with a skinned knee than a bruised ego. We would rather break a bone than crush our pride. A husband cheats and the wife puts her wall up to avoid all men. A girlfriend breaks up with you and from behind your wall you proclaim, “I’m becoming a monk – done with all dating.” Because relationships are so intimate and personal, they run the risk of hurting us deeply when they go astray. Walls are natural consequences when we experience such pain. Just as a deep burn from a stove can discourage someone from future cooking, in like fashion we shy away from relationships when we’ve been burnt by a loved one in our past.

When God decided to place humans on the map, He did not put us on sports teams. He did not place us in military troops. He did not organize us by cubicles in an employer’s office. Instead, He placed us into close relationships in the context of a family. As He communicated to Adam in the Garden of Eden, “It is not good for man to be alone.” (Genesis 2:18) Because of the fall and our sinful human nature and innate selfishness, we tend to hurt one another. Once hurt, that pain causes us to retreat or hide behind thick emotional walls. Those walls keep us alone and isolated from the very thing we were created to enjoy: relationships.

Jacob understands walls. He created an instant one the moment he betrayed his older brother, Esau (Genesis 27). In the biblical day and age where the father’s blessing meant everything to the first-born son, Esau was moments away from receiving his. This blessing was not just an indication of a father’s approval but it was intended to result in prosperity and success. It was a formal declaration, if not a prayer, that God Himself would bless the recipient.

You can imagine the horrified shock on Esau’s face when he learned that his little brother, Jacob stole the blessing intended for him. In a shrewd and cunning move, Jacob deceived his elderly and blind father (Isaac) and tricked him into giving the blessing intended for Esau. The only thing more chilling about the deception was that it was initiated and crafted by the boy’s mother, Rebekah. It’s the stuff of blockbuster movies: the son tricks the father and betrays the brother at the suggestion of the mother. As is often the case in families, the “fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

Esau was outraged and understandably so. The blessing could only be given once, even if it was given under false pretenses. Realizing he had lost everything due to trickery, he vowed to kill his brother soon after his father’s impending death. For 20 years, Jacob hid from Esau convinced that a meeting would be the end of him. Time, they say, heals all wounds. It certainly helped in the ensuing two decades and Esau’s anger eventually softened towards his brother. When they finally did meet, the wall between them was dismantled and Esau greeted his brother Jacob with a warm embrace. The wall was torn down. Forgiveness had occurred. The relationship was restored and they had about 20 years to catch up on. Two decades of wasted time keeping a wall in place that should have been removed years prior.

Isn’t that how we are? Building walls when we shouldn’t. Keeping them up longer then they need to be. Holding grudges. Keeping score. Wasting precious time with those we should love.

Do you have an emotional wall up? Maybe it’s time to take it down, even if it’s been up for decades. Why not at least remove a few bricks? Maybe it’s time to forgive the offense and embrace the offender? Maybe it’s time to forget the past and try to build a new future, with whatever time is left on the clock?

Perhaps today is the day that an email is written, a letter is mailed or a phone call is made? Walls are there for a reason and a season and perhaps your season is ending?

As for the Berlin Wall, 23 months after President Reagan’s challenge, the wall was dismantled. East & West Germany were finally one country. Democracy defeated Communism. Freedom trumped bondage. Peace was restored and relationships were reunited. The wall served a purpose and now it is a thing of the past.

Life is short. Relationships are important. Walls don’t just keep bad things out. They keep you trapped in. What walls in your life need to go?

“The List” – which one are you on?

rodarters

According to the official website, Zumba is an “exhilarating, effective, easy-to-follow, Latin-inspired, calorie-burning dance fitness-party that’s moving millions of people toward joy and health.”  In Kennebunk, Maine it seems to be moving at least 21 participants towards a misdemeanor charge and court appearance.

According to reports, a 29-year-old Zumba instructor and her 57-year-old business partner are being accused of running a prostitution ring using the Zumba business as a cover up.   At this point, 21 names officially appear on “The List” of clients.   It is reported that the number could go as high as 150.

As the story continues to unfold, there is growing controversy about “The List”, who is on it and whether those names should be released to the public.   Understandably, the 21 are desperate to keep their names hidden from public view.  Two have even retained counsel in an attempt to keep their identities private.   Needless to say, publishing such a list could ruin dozens of lives – particularly in a community as small as Kennebunk.

As I was listening to the news report and thinking about the scandal, it caused me to think about the devastation of being named on such a list could cause.  What if every city produced a list?  What if a list was made of every hidden sin committed in every town?  What list, I wondered, would my name fall under?  Probably more than I would like to admit. 

Granted, most of us have probably never been with a prostitute so we would avoid that embarrassing list.  But what if the list was for gossip?  Or pornography?  Or stealing?  Or lying?  Or cheating?  Or speeding?  Or gluttony?  Or alcoholism?  Or cursing?  Or tax evasion?  Or spiritual pride?  Eventually, if enough vices were listed, we would even find your name on a list.  Yes, even you.

Our human nature often tricks us into thinking we are better than we really are.  After all, the mantra goes, “people are basically good.”  If I asked the average person if they steal, most would emphatically say “No!” – immediately assuming that if they did not rob a bank they did not steal anything.  But how many employees steal company time for personal use?  How many “borrow” office supplies without a second thought?   How many use company car miles to run personal errands?  There are many ways to steal and as long as we don’t cross some BIG line in our mind, we think we are innocent of all charges.  The problem is, we conveniently move the line constantly – justifying as we go.  “For all I do for this company, they certainly aren’t going to notice or care if I __________________.”

For some reason, we tend to view sin as only being real if it crosses into the arena of actually, physically happening.  It’s only a serious issue if it becomes a legal one or if it is considered taboo by others.  For example, we tend to think someone has kept their wedding vows as long as they’ve never slept with another person.  We believe someone has not killed another as long as that hated person is still breathing.  In the same way, a lie did not occur unless it was outright, blatant and completely devoid of truth.  But what if our assumptions are wrong?  What if the standard was higher?  What if Matthew 5 was correct?

  • “Everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
  • “Everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty of murder.”

What if even white lies, half-truths and subtle deceptions made you a full-fledged liar with pants on fire?

The reality is, by God’s standard, we are ALL on a list – even if we try to justify our name off of it. 

The problem with “The List” in Maine is that it tends to create an “Us vs. Them” mentality.   We can be very quick to judge the lawyer, accountant or Mayor who have already been identified as part of the 21.   We tend to look down at those who commit the BIG sins as if to believe the little ones we commit aren’t significant enough to mention.   While a group of men used Zumba as a cover up for sex, we just use different shields for our sin “du jour.”  As long as your wrong doing isn’t “Top 10” (as in Commandments), it doesn’t feel so bad.  As long as it doesn’t make the front page of the newspaper, it must be acceptable or worthy of toleration.

About 20 years ago I received a letter from a Mother of a high school student of mine that I had greatly disappointed.  Regrettably, I had made a promise to her children that I did not keep.  I could have kept my promise but, honestly, something else more appealing came up and I chose that instead.  Needless to say, when the family found out the reason I did not keep my promise, anger ensued.  Though I initially felt justified in my excuse, from her perspective I was thoughtless, selfish, insensitive and wrong.  Her children were deeply hurt and disappointed.  She and her husband were livid and sent a scathing email outlining the errors of my ways.  The email was long and furious.  Such is the wrath of a Momma bear whose cubs have been hurt.  In my pride, I defended my position, offered a lame apology and chalked up her reaction as being an overly emotional, irrational female.  

Years later, I came across a quote that literally changed my life.  As soon as I read it, it gave me clarity as to the true condition of my heart.   Written in the 1800’s by a British Pastor, it captures the true nature of ALL – especially those not on an official list yet.

“If any man thinks ill of you, do not be angry with him, for you are worse than he thinks you to be. If he charges you falsely on some point, yet be satisfied, for if he knew you better he might change the accusation, and you would be no gainer by the correction. If you have your moral portrait painted and it is ugly, be satisfied, for it only needs a few blacker touches, and it would be still nearer the truth.” – Charles Haddon Spurgeon

After reading this quote and recalling the blistering email, I came to realize two important things.  Her email to me was incorrect.  I was actually worse than she accused me of being.   Secondly, had she known me better – the email would have been longer.  Much longer.   If there was a list of promise breakers – my name would be at the top of that list.   Sadly, it took a few more broken promises in my life for me to realize the character flaw that coursed through my veins. 

It’s easy to villainize certain people in the news for the crimes and sins they commit.  As they are getting publicly flogged, we can quietly think we are better than them since we haven’t actually done the things they have.   But is there a difference between those who do it and those who merely think about it?   Is the gap really that far between kids who raid the cookie jar and those who wish they had the courage to?  Granted, the consequences are often different but aren’t their hearts and desire still the same?

The next time you read a newspaper headline, watch the evening news or see a mug shot, think for a moment about that person and their particular crime.   What is difference between your heart and theirs?   What keeps you in your comfortable home while they are behind bars or under a pile of shame?  

GRACE.

The line between a physical affair and an emotional one is about the size of dental floss.  The difference between an actual murder and consuming hatred is that one trigger has not been pulled yet.  The difference between a full lie and half-truth is that there is no difference.  Both are still liars.   One fat person might eat the whole pie while the skinny person just wants it.  Both can still be on the list of gluttons. 

Santa may keep a list of naughty people.  CNN might broadcast it.  Time Magazine might print it.  YouTube & the internet can make it go viral. 

But God, in His mercy, took the list with your name on it and simply nailed it to a cross.   With your name removed, He lovingly says, “Go, and sin no more.” (John 8:11)

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.  But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.”  – Galatians 6:1

Life lessons from coaching

rodarters

I have had the privilege of being a coach most of my adult life.  It really allows you an amazing perspective on life, people, human nature and parenting.   Though each sport I have coached (soccer, tennis, baseball & volleyball) requires a slightly different approach, coaching is general enough to apply similar principles.  Currently, I am coaching a high school girls volleyball team.   As I lead drills in practice, shout from the bench, share nuggets of wisdom during the 60 second time-out huddle, interact with the referees and watch the team execute the plays I have created – many life lessons come to the surface.  Here are just a few:

  • Though we play to win, the score is probably the least important aspect of the game.   This is hard to admit as a coach, but there are many a day where I must remind myself of the more important aspects than winning; sportsmanship, teamwork, integrity, encouragement, etc.  These are life lessons that will travel far beyond any particular game.   In life, sometimes the journey is more important than the destination.  Though we should all have a plan of where we would like to go, we must not let reaching the destination stop us from enjoying (or learning from) the process of getting there.   It’s not about how much money you make, but rather did you accumulate it with integrity?   It’s not about how high up the corporate ladder you climbed, but did you do it without stepping on someone else to get there?  Though winning is a goal, winning isn’t everything – in spite of what coaching great Vince Lombardi thinks.  As Former NBA player and coach Pat Riley once said, “A champion needs a motivation above and beyond winning.”
  • There is always a referee or umpire officiating the game.   Human nature prevents us from governing ourselves successfully.  Because the human heart is what it is, we will always need someone overseeing our behaviors and actions.  As honest as we would like to be, we cannot keep our own score.  We simply are not gifted with an unbiased heart.  As a result, a referee/umpire is always required.  Someone is always watching our behaviors, “every move we make and every step we take.”  This is even more true when we are not on the playing field.   In life, we sometimes forget this.  What you do behind closed doors isn’t really private.  The door is never really closed.  The websites you visit, the text messages you send, the shows you watch – can all be seen by a Heavenly Referee.   Just as you cannot cheat during a game and expect to get away with it, so it is with life.  Cheaters always get caught, it’s just a matter of time.  Not only do you forfeit the game, you forfeit a piece of your integrity, if not all of it.
  • The referees make calls you disagree with – deal with it.   It’s really hard to play your heart out only to lose a  point because a referee didn’t make the call you wanted.  That’s life.  No one ever claimed it was fair.   Referees are part of the experience and when the calls go your way, be grateful.  When they do not, move on and work on the next point.   They can’t see every angle.  They sometimes miss “obvious” calls, even with instant replay.  Since they never change their mind, arguing is simply a waste of precious time.  Life is a harsh teacher and many days, things will not go your way.   Though God makes no mistakes, He often does things (or allows things) that upset us or seem to make our “game” harder.   There are reasons for it, perhaps even unseen.  Accept what He hands you and trust His decisions.  His perspective is different from ours (Isaiah 55:10) and He’s been refereeing longer than you’ve been playing.   Trust His calls – they are more accurate than you think.  You just have a limited, self-centered perspective.
  • The clock is always ticking.   Some of the sports I have coached have not been time sensitive (tennis, volleyball, baseball).   In those sports, the game is over when one team reaches a certain number of points or innings.   In many sports, however, the clock is ever-present and constantly running out.  If there is one truth about life – it is simply this: Life goes on.   In good times or bad, the clock is always ticking and you must accomplish your goal within the time frame allotted.  Though you may live to be 100, you could also die tomorrow.  Today is the only day we are promised and therefore it is imperative we take advantage of it.  After a disappointing recent loss, one of my players said to me, “We’ll do better tomorrow, Coach.”  I quickly shot back, “We aren’t promised tomorrow.  We have to take advantage of today.”   I have buried too many people in my life to not realize this truth.   Moses understood this as the Leader of Israel.   Having watched a generation of people die during his 40 year desert wandering, he penned the following words to the Lord, “Teach us to number our days that we may present to you a heart of wisdom.” (Psalm 90:12)   YOUR clock is ticking.  Are you make the most of every play?
  • Time-outs.  A good coach will not only call time out but do so at the right time.  A well planned time out can make all the difference in the game.  Ask any football coach who is losing with less than two minutes left.   His ability to call time out can literally make the difference between a win and a loss.   In life, though the clock keeps ticking – we still have the ability to call some time outs.   How many  marriages would still be together today if one or both people called “time-out” and got the counseling they needed?  How many children would have avoided some painful life experiences had the parents simply called “time out” and took the time to parent.  If life isn’t going where you want it to go, call time out.  Take some time away from the game and figure out what is missing.  What are you doing wrong?   How can you change the score?  It can literally make the difference between the life you want and the life you accept.
  • Practice, practice, practice.  The beauty of practice is that it prepares you for the game.  The beauty of a game is that it reveals what you need to practice.  At the end of every game, a coach normally has no shortage of things to improve upon at the next practice.   Things come out during the game that make it painfully obvious (to the coach) where his team is “missing it.”  Life is unusual in that – at the same time – the practice is the game.   Every day is a dress rehearsal.  Every day is also the play.   Just as a coach must make constant adjustments as he goes, so do we all in life.  Continually evaluate your game and performance and figure out what needs to be changed to improve your score.   The ancient Greek philosopher Socrates once said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”   You only have one shot at this game called “life.”  Make the most of it.  Take notes.  Make adjustments along the way so that when your time finally expires, you can have the satisfaction of knowing you did everything you could to be a winner.
  • Trust the coach.  Coaching is difficult on a number of levels.  For starters, you have to know the game inside and out.  You also have to know each individual player, their strengths, weaknesses and how to take them to the next level of play.  You have to know how far you can push an athlete towards maximum performance without breaking their spirit.  You have to come up with motivational, inspirational “Remember the Titan” type speeches when you are losing and they feel like giving up.  And if that wasn’t hard enough, you then have to choose a starting line up that you think gives your team the best advantage over your opponent.   Every decision you make is questioned by the athlete.  Every decision you make is scrutinized by someone’s parent who thinks their child is the best on the team.   Regardless, the coach is the coach and in the position to make the big decisions, even if you don’t like them.  Because they know the game better than you do, you should listen.  Because they see things you cannot see, you should heed their words.  Because they have a “big picture” perspective, it may be hard for an individual to understand because of their self-centered viewpoint.  Whereas an athlete looks at himself or a particular player, the coach sees a team.   Whereas a player sees one piece, the coach sees the whole puzzle and where each individual piece must go to make sense of it all.
  • The bench.   From time to time, every player spends time on the bench.  Some spend more time there than others.  A true athlete hates his time there while a lesser player may be grateful to sit on the bench reasoning “at least they made the team.”   Some end up on the bench because of an injury.  Others because of attitude or actions.  Most “ride the pine” because of lack of ability.   In Volleyball, even good players spend a few minutes on the bench because of how a team rotates on the court.   Like it or not, the bench is part of every game.  It’s also a part of every life.  We all have seasons where we are forced to sit out and watch.   Sometimes we all need just a few minutes to rest or re-group or to hear a word from the Coach before we can get back into action.  Throughout the Bible, God benched many star players.  Moses was benched because of his temper.  David was benched because of his libido.  Joseph was benched because of pride.  Peter was benched because of cowardice.  They all were reinstated back into the game and they all made some big plays for God after their time on the bench.

In a strange way, coaching brings me closer to God.   When my players ignore my instruction, it makes me think of the many times I refuse to listen to the instructions I’ve been given.   In my prideful moments, I join my players and think I know what’s best.  Like them, I tire quickly of practice.  I don’t want to practice (do the monotonous behind the scenes boring daily grind of routine).  I would rather perform under the lights and make the big plays.  When will I realize that those “Top 10 ESPY moments” only occur after hours and hours of mundane practice?

Why do I so quickly forget about the ever-present Referee that oversees all of life?  The earthly referee blows a loud whistle.  It’s annoyingly hard to miss.   God’s whistle is a gentle whisper often found in the pages of a dust-covered Book.  Why am I so willing to submit to a human umpire’s judgment on the field but argue with the Righteous Referee’s call off the court?

When I bench my players for any reason – I stop and think back to the times I’ve been benched myself – for even worse infractions.   When will a player come to the bench with a smile, recognizing the value of their time there?   When will I appreciate the sweet smell of pine for the times that God places me there?

After last night’s loss, it’s obvious that my team requires a lot more work to get where they need to be.  After writing this blog, it’s obvious that their coach needs a lot more work to get where he needs to be too.

Practice – here we come!

An unbelievable Book

rodarters

From time to time I come across someone who claims the Bible is boring.  Or they’ll say it is outdated.  Or it’s not relevant for today.  I always smile when I hear such things.  At first glance, I can understand why they say that.  After all, it was written thousands of years ago.   For some reason, we tend to think that “new” is exciting while old (material, books, movies, people) is boring and without relevance.   With that mentality, we miss out on some gems simply because something was filmed in black and white, printed before 1950 or has more wrinkles than we have.

The skeptics may own a Bible but it sits on their shelf with dust on it.  If you think the Bible is boring, it merely confirms that you have never read it.  The Bible has more action than a Hollywood film.  It has more drama than a Real Housewives episode.  It has more romance than a Nicholas Sparks novel.   The Song of Solomon would make 50 Shades of Grey blush.  And though there are no “punch lines” per say, it certainly has its share of humor. The content could produce dozens of blockbuster movies.  Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ movie proved that.  Focusing on the last 12 hours of Christ’s life, the film has become the highest grossing R-rated film of all time.  (Yes, the Bible is R-rated).

For those of you out there who have never read the Bible, I thought I would take a moment to highlight some of the more exciting stories found in the old Book.  I included their specific reference so you could read it for yourself.  Most of the stories are truly unbelievable.  It is for this reason that the Bible will not let you approach it without the faith of a child. 

For the record, it is always best to read a passage in context and try to understand the author’s intent in each “book.”  Greater light is shed on a passage when you understand the historical context surrounding it.  Reading the New Testament with 21st century eyes can sometimes make a passage confusing if you do not understand the 1st century background when it was written.  For example, Jesus tells His disciples in Matthew 5, “Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two.”  What a modern-day reader may not understand is in Galilee the law stated that a Roman soldier could force a Jew to carry his military pack up to one mile.  By law, a Jew had to obey this request.  Jesus was teaching servant leadership.  He was showing His students the high calling of Christianity in practical, everyday terms.  If one of His disciples found themselves in a position where they were forced to carry a soldier’s bag one mile, Jesus told them to carry it two.   Any pagan can walk the first mile by law.  A Christian desiring to impact the world willingly carries it two by grace.  It is from this passage and command that we get the phrase, “Go the extra mile.”  Many people are familiar with the phrase.  Only the Biblically educated understand where it came from.

Having said this, where else can you find a book that has all these components under the same cover?

  • A talking serpent (Genesis 3)
  • Murder (Genesis 4)
  • 900 year old men and people who never died (Genesis 5, II Kings 2)
  • A global natural disaster (Genesis 6-7)
  • The meaning of rainbows (Genesis 9)
  • Incest (Genesis 19, II Samuel 13)
  • Someone turned into a pillar of salt.  (Genesis 19)
  • Lying (Genesis 20)
  • Betrayal (Genesis 27)
  • Revenge (Genesis 27)
  • Wrestling with God (Genesis 32)
  • Rape (Genesis 34, II Samuel 13)
  • Plots to kill (Genesis 37)
  • Interpreted dreams (Genesis 40-41)
  • Hostage situation (Genesis 42)
  • A burning bush that talks (Exodus 3)
  • Parting the waters of the Red Sea (Exodus 14)
  • A log making water drinkable (Exodus 16)
  • Food that drops from Heaven (Exodus 16)
  • Water that comes out of rocks (Exodus 17)
  • A talking donkey (Numbers 22)
  • Espionage (Joshua 2)
  • The sun standing still for 24 hours (Joshua 10)
  • A 300 man army defeating over 130,000 soldiers (Judges 7-8)
  • The strongest man ever to live (Judges 14-16)
  • A love story (Ruth)
  • A boy killing a giant (I Samuel 17)
  • 200 foreskins as the requirement for someone’s hand in marriage (I Samuel 18)
  • The murder of 85 priests (I Samuel 22)
  • Communicating with the dead (I Samuel 28)
  • Executions (II Samuel 1)
  • Adultery (II Samuel 12)
  • A prayer that stops rain for 3.5 years (I Kings 17)
  • A fish swallowing a man (Jonah 3)

And that is just a brief stroll in the Old Testament.   In the New Testament you will find jailbreaks, teleportation, raising of the dead, exorcisms, beheadings and dozens of other miracles and stories!  Combine that with timeless messages of love, sacrifice, redemption, honor and faith – it makes for an exciting read!

The Bible is unlike any other book in circulation.  It contains laws, history, poetry, prophecy & biography.  Since the Author is present every time it is read, it has the unique ability to hide truth from some while revealing truth to others.  Because it is intensely personal, it can speak to each person’s heart and situation in a different, intimate way.  By its own admission, it is “inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness.”  It is “living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword.”  It is “able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” (II Timothy 3:16, Hebrews 4:12)

The Bible has been called a blueprint for life, a manual for living and a map for lost souls.  But the idea of reading a blueprint, manual or map just doesn’t appeal to me.  Who wants to read an instruction manual??

Then the other day, I received a card from a close friend.  In it was a handwritten expression of thanks for our friendship.  In a mailbox full of bills and junk, it was a welcomed note!   In the midst of a discouraging and depressing week I was experiencing, it lifted my spirit.  Someone out there took the time to write me a thoughtful message with their own hand. 

The Bible was written with the same thoughtful care.  Written over a period of 1500 years by 40 different men on three different continents in three different languages, the Bible communicates one overall message to every sinner who picks it up;

the unconditional love of a Parent to His wayward child. 

In that context, the Bible is no longer an instruction manual but rather a love letter.  It isn’t a boring map but a timely Hallmark card telling you just how important you really are.  It has a message for every fugitive letting them know the law is no longer looking for them.  It’s safe to come home now.

I had a conversation with a close friend this weekend and I referenced one of my blog posts.  He had not read it.  In fact, he had not read any of them!  I’ve written over 70 articles over the last 6 months and my good friend hadn’t read one of them.   To be honest, I was disappointed – if not a little hurt.  How could a good friend of mine not want to read MY blog?  Especially since several of the articles would resonate with him.  He would find hope and help in light of his painful circumstances.

Then I realized how God must feel when we choose TV over His Word, sports over church, shopping over tithing and entertainment over eternal pursuits. 

He has sent us a handwritten, tear dropped, blood stained letter and for many of us, it sits in our mailbox – for our entire lives – without ever getting opened.

Open your mailbox today.  Brush the dust off your Bible.  Read God’s blog.  It’s especially for a fugitive, written by the Warden with details about your pardon.   And that is far from boring!

“Your word is more desirable than gold, yes, than much fine gold; sweeter also than honey and the drippings of the honeycomb.  Moreover, by them Your servant is warned; in keeping them there is great reward.” – King David in Psalm 19:10-11