Lying, wrestling and the limp to come

January 20, 2013May 23, 2015 rodarters

On August 31st of last year, I wrote a post about the controversy surrounding Lance Armstrong and the allegations that he had taken “performance enhancing drugs.” Towards the end of that article I made a prophetic prediction, “One day (soon) we will know whether Lance’s accomplishment was a true physical feat or a fraud.”

That “one day” is now upon us. The feat turned out to be the fraud.

Lance has finally “come clean” – admitting to doping and by default, lying about his past. It does not appear that anyone is too surprised at the admission. What is shocking is the degree of deception and the years of passionate denials. The dust has now settled and we find Lance has lost the only thing he really had left to cling to; his word. That, by the way, is now considered worthless. Such is the consequence of serial lying.

Sadly, it seems to be a common occurrence these days. A foul is committed and the person under scrutiny declares their innocence on national television. As a nation, we want to believe them. We hope they were wrongly accused. We wish the evidence was less certain. We struggle with the dichotomy between their words of innocence and the damning facts in hand. Even though their denials often go against evidence and common sense, we still believe – hoping against hope. Lance officially joins a growing, infamous group of deceivers:

For those of us old enough to remember, we flashback to a former sitting President declaring his innocence with all sincerity about the extra-marital relationship he didn’t have. Lies.
We recall an emotional husband declaring his innocence with all sincerity about his wife and unborn child and how they went missing. Lies.
With disgust, we remember a prominent football coach who declared his innocence with all sincerity and what didn’t happen with boys in the locker room. Lies.

Our country’s legal system was based upon the assumption that everyone would be considered “innocent until proven guilty.” It’s becoming harder and harder to maintain that assumption. You hate to doubt every person who ever denies an allegation but we have seen too many people deny too many things too many times to give us hope that anyone under suspicion is telling the truth anymore. The more sincere someone is in their denial the more cynical we can become. Sincerity, it turns out, is an irrelevant indicator of truth – even if it is heart-felt and convincing.

The following poem reveals that sincerity, though important, just isn’t enough.

“Charlie was a Chemist but Charlie is no more for what Charlie thought was H2O was really H2SO4.”

Charlie can sincerely believe the liquid in the test tube is water. His sincerity does not change the fact that he is performing a lab experiment with sulfuric acid.

Many questions abound after the truth rises to the surface. Too often, we never get straight answers to these questions. Concerning Lance, we all want to know why? Why he lied is obvious but why did he finally come clean? Why did he come clean now and not in the beginning or during his testimony under oath? Why did he lie for so long? Why did he try to deceive everyone at every level, even attacking his accusers now proved justified in their accusations? More importantly, can he ever be trusted again?

It’s easy to villianize Lance (and others like him) in the media. We tend to enjoy sitting on our moral high horse and judge the poor decisions of the rich and famous. But truth be told, the only difference between Lance and me or you is that he is rich and famous. Our heart is just as likely to be led astray by fame, fortune and world championships as anyone else. One man is tempted to abuse drugs while another man is tempted to abuse children. One woman might steal clothes while another prefers to steal husbands. Granted, the consequences to some sins are very different and more severe, but the capacity for wrong exists in all people.

This was Jesus’ point when the Scribes & Pharisees (religious leaders of His day) brought a woman caught in the act of adultery to Him (John 8). The Law stated that she should be stoned (to death) for her sin. Jesus saw the problem with their approach immediately. None of these religious leaders were in a moral position to judge this sinful woman. None of them (priest and prostitute alike) are worthy to throw a stone at anyone. Jesus gave them permission to stone her… under one condition, “He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” Isn’t that the heart of the issue?

Unfortunately, we have not seen the last of duplicitous divas. In a few months, we will forget about Lance as the next celebrity will shock us with his/her tales of living a double life. Another salacious story will grab our attention. Another tale of deception will captivate our minds and appease our lust for sensational news. Hollywood will capitalize on the story for their next movie much like I have used it as fodder for this blog (Sorry Jim!). Deception will continue to rear its ugly head and only the super hero of truth can defeat it. Truth will always beat a lie even if it does take awhile to pin it to the mat.

Truth wrestling deception turns out to be a fitting analogy. In the Old Testament, Jacob (whose name means deceiver) had been living up to his name. After deceiving his father and stealing his eldest brother’s birthright blessing (Genesis 27), Jacob was on the run – from his brother and from living a truthful life. By chapter 32, we find that Jacob was “left alone.” That is where those who walk the road of deception eventually find themselves, alone. Mysteriously, a “man” begins to wrestle with him until daybreak. Wrestling a total stranger is a strange thing to do at any hour of the day. But this match began in the middle of the night, certainly an odd time to wrestle anyone. The writer of Genesis identifies the mysterious wrestler as none other than God Himself.

As the deceiver wrestled with Truth, there was more at stake than a mere championship. Unbeknownst to Jacob, his very name and life were about to be changed. In the heat of the battle, Truth touched the socket of Jacob’s thigh – dislocating his hip. Tired, in pain and recognizing he was in the presence of one greater than him, Jacob would not let go until the mystery man blessed him. Ironically, the one who stole a blessing is now seeking one for himself. When asked for his name, the deceiver simply replied, “Jacob.” The man of mystery said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome.”

God likes to engage His children. He could have challenged Jacob to a game of chess and dealt with him on an intellectual level. He could have challenged Jacob to a myriad of different physical challenges. Instead, He chose to wrestle him. Wrestling is intimate. It is body on body. It is sweat upon sweat. No other physical contest provides as much physical contact. It is just like God to desire that kind of contact with His children. It is just like God to pursue His wayward kids – even in their darkest night. While you are alone in your darkness, He shows up and wants to wrestle. While everyone else is running from you (in pain) or after you (in anger) – God is both brave enough and loving enough to deal with you head on. God knows His children intimately and how to grow us – even if it requires Him to first “touch” us where it hurts.

Like Jacob, I spent quite a few years running from others. Many of my decisions have also left me alone, in the dark. As I look around the landscape, there have been no shortage of Pharisees with stones in their hands aimed at my direction. I have done some late night wrestling with a mysterious God and have had virtually every area of my life dislocated as a result. Like Jacob, I will spend the rest of my days walking with a reputational limp… every step reminding me of a past I’d prefer to forget. And yet, in the gritty process I have been blessed. I have received a new identity. I understand a bit more clearer how the Redeemer redeems.

Oh, how that Redeemer loves to wrestle – even today. He still dislocates hips. And changes names. And changes lives. And gives a blessing to those who don’t deserve them.

May it be so for Lance. A new Lance with a limp.

The overwhelming scent of a woman

January 14, 2013May 23, 2015 rodarters

Perfume smells nice unless you are in Seat 1A, next to the overly fragranced flight attendant, 35,000 feet high, on a tiny express plane with circulated air – which is where I am at the moment. My seat is conveniently located near the door. It is also next to the flight attendant seat where she performs most of her duties. If the Guinness Book of World Records had a category for “Excessive Perfume Wearing” her picture would be next to it. If it had a category of “Most Consecutive Gags”, my photo would be there. At that close proximity, perfume becomes more of a taste than a smell causing you to sneeze more than sniff. What is it with some ladies and perfume and the generous amounts they apply to their skin? (To be fair, I imagine that the same could be said of men and cologne.) What’s supposed to be pleasant becomes putrid. What’s supposed to be attracting becomes distracting. As she was publicly reviewing the safety procedures, less than 12 inches from my side, all I kept thinking was how I wished the oxygen masks would drop. Now. Before I do.

I’ve never been one to appreciate perfume. If anyone ever tried to use it to attract me, they would be severely disappointed. For one, my sense of smell is by far my weakest sense. I could see dead people with my 6^th sense (movie reference) before I can smell anything. Although I understand the importance of stopping to “smell the roses”, it seems to be a futile exercise with my nose. Some lack taste buds making food taste bland. I lack a keen sense of smell making it difficult to appreciate most odors. Unfortunately, the only odors that seem to have a straight line to my nostrils are obscene amounts of ladies perfume, the smell of manure from the farmlands of Lancaster, PA and the occasional stray fart conveniently claimed by no one in public settings. It is for this reason, I never serve baked beans in my home, though rumor has it they are “good for your heart.” Apparently, the more you eat, the more you… well, never mind. It’s just a theory.

I also never walk past the perfume section of department stores. Ever. The only difference between the ladies at the perfume counter and a trained military sniper is clothing. They both hunt you down, aim with deadly precision and can disable you within seconds. The snipers merely wear camouflage, you can’t see them coming.

My 12-year-old daughter has recently discovered a renewed interest in make-up and perfume, to my chagrin. When she has a friend sleep over, her room begins to smell like a perfume factory. Amidst the giggles, the odor is so powerful that you would think that perfume was being created there. It wouldn’t surprise me if my daughter has the meth-lab equivalent of perfume in my house. I’m waiting for Chanel 5 to raid her room. I’d go see for myself, but I can’t get past the door before I have to stop, drop and roll. I have since placed a Haz-mat sticker on her door.

So, this post is for the ladies that wear perfume at nauseating levels. Though some men really enjoy your odor… many of us don’t. May I offer two suggestions?

Less is more. Yes, it smells good. But just like one piece of gum makes your breath a bit fresher, it does not mean that 10 pieces of gum are better. No one wants to watch someone chew on 10 pieces of gum at once. In the same manner, no one wants to smell a perfume factory in their olfactory. A little perfume goes a long way.

Consider your environment. If you are about to run the Boston Marathon and feel like creating a pleasant trail of scent for the people behind you, by all means – drench yourself in perfume. The outdoor environment can handle your excessive application. If, however, you plan on being in an elevator, office, plane or other enclosed space, please re-consider the amount of perfume you place on yourself.

All joking aside, I’m less troubled by the amount of perfume that is worn and more concerned as to why it’s there in the first place. Like most things in life, perfume is not inerrantly bad but the motive it is on could be. Motives, I have come to learn, are the playground the mature play on. What we do is important. Why we do it is equally important, particularly as we get older.

Today I find myself raising a teenage daughter who is (daily) becoming more aware of her body and image. In spite of her appearance on any given day, I want her know that she is loved unconditionally beyond her wildest imaginations. Her outward appearance is merely a shell – not who she really is. Underneath her beautiful hair, winning smile & trimmed eyelashes is the apple of her Daddy’s eye. And a bad hair day, the addition of a few pounds or the sprinkling of perfume cannot change that.

Sadly though, this is not the message the girls in our culture hear – particularly in our beauty-centered environment. Because of this, an apology is due…from my gender to theirs.

“Dear Ladies, as I wait in line at the grocery store, I see the models on the covers of the magazines that you are supposed to emulate. I have watched the beauties in the pageants and the impossible standard they set for all women worldwide. I watch the commercials of the companies that sell the products that you “need” to buy to become a better you. And I hear the comments made by men on sitcoms and around water coolers about women and how they should look. And if I’m honest, I have contributed to the problem more times than I care to admit. No wonder women run to make-up or perfume or hair spray or weight loss programs. From your earliest memory you have been taught that you are not good enough (or smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, etc). And you never will be, with that criteria in place. You are destined to fail in pleasing a man as that man is destined to fail in pleasing you. Pleasing each other was never supposed to be our first priority or highest goal. Forgive us, the men in your life, who have misled you into chasing lesser things – our shallow affections.”

In fact, even two thousand years ago, Roman culture reflected our current shallow culture today. The pressures women face today (to be beautiful) have not changed, just the products available to them. So prevalent was this problem among women that God, through His biblical writers, shared what adornments were important to Him. His tastes have not changed today.

“I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.” (I Timothy 2:9-10)

“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves.” (I Peter 3:3-5)

What if we had more Moms (or women) that pursued the “unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit“?

We would probably have more daughters (or girls) who dressed modestly and had a healthier perspective on make-up and what it could and should do for them.

And this may not happen until we have more Dads (or men) doing a better job of sharing what is truly important in the females entrusted to us.

It’s not the cover of the magazine that should get our attention but the content within. Character, not cosmetics, should turn our heads. That should be the overwhelming scent in all of our lives.

Banning guns, rocks and apps

January 4, 2013October 19, 2017 rodarters

If you have your finger on the pulse of new technology, you are already familiar with the wildly popular app called Snapchat. About two months ago a trusted, technologically savvy friend introduced this app to me. She explained that it was a fun, new way to send pictures to others with the same app. I did not quite understand how it was different from simply texting a picture to others with my phone. The way it was explained it to me was that this app has two unique features:

The picture you send is only viewable for 10 seconds (maximum).
Immediately after the image is viewed, it is deleted from the app, never to be seen again.

Over the last month, I have dabbled in the world of Snapchat – even enjoying some goofy images with my teenage children, both recent Snapchat members.

For the last two months, I have been under the assumption that this was just another innocent app created for the promotion of fun and creative communication. I hadn’t even thought about the dangers of it, until yesterday, when I was in line at a store and noticed the teenager in front of me on the app. Glancing at his screen, I realized that he was sending something inappropriate to a “friend.” And then it hit me. This app is perfect for sexting or being generally inappropriate with other members. It provides the perfect cover since it can only be viewed for a brief period of time (literally seconds) with the picture being deleted immediately after sending. Ah, sneaky creators of apps!!

And then another thought hit me… my kids use this app! Oh no!! Even if they are not sending inappropriate images, they can certainly receive one without warning!

And then another thought hit me… I have to warn others, particularly parents, who may be in the dark about this app’s subtle dangers. Consider this the Paul Revere of parenting post. “The Sexters are coming! The Sexters are coming!” At first glance, this app seems harmless. How can a cute little ghost steer you wrong? This app is not as innocent as we might think.

Even if Snapchat only allows an image to be viewed for 10 seconds and deletes it after viewing, that does not mean that the picture cannot live or travel beyond its intended purpose. If someone were to take a picture of the Snapchat picture within that 10 second time frame, you can see how the “soon to be deleted” image could live in infamy, against the sender’s knowledge or wish. Snapchat’s own privacy policy recognizes its limited ability to protect the content sent through its app when it writes:

“Although we attempt to delete image data as soon as possible after the message is transmitted, we cannot guarantee that the message contents will be deleted in every case. For example, users may take a picture of the message contents with another imaging device or capture a screenshot of the message contents on the device screen. Consequently, we are not able to guarantee that your messaging data will be deleted in all instances. Messages, therefore, are sent at the risk of the user.”

Even if the makers of this app had entirely pure motives in creating it, it should not surprise us that others are quick to corrupt the medium. Most things created with a good purpose can be twisted towards evil. Once again, it serves as a reminder to us all that as technology advances, so does our capacity for abusing and misusing it.

As soon as I realized the potential danger this app posed to my children, I thought about immediately removing it from their phones. But then I realized they could just text inappropriate messages instead. So then I thought about removing texting as an option for their phones. But then I realized that they could just have inappropriate phone conversations instead. So then I thought about taking their phones away. But then I realized that they could just send inappropriate letters to others via the postal service. So then I thought about removing all paper, pens, envelopes and stamps from their room. While I am at it, I might as well remove happiness, trust and my relationship with them in the process.

The reality is, the app is not the problem – our misuse of it is. Similarly, guns are not the primary problem in our current culture (as some claim), people abusing them are. Could we create some additional laws that would help protect more of our citizens? Sure, but that won’t stop those committed to breaking them. Before there were demands for gun control, there were demands for sword control. Before there were demands for sword control, Cavemen politicians demanded club control. And before club reform initiatives were in place, there was a need for rock control as that appears to be the first weapon ever used.

Our first family (Adam & Eve) were misusing the intended purpose of rocks before the third generation. Just outside the Garden of Eden, Adam’s son, Cain used a rock to kill his brother Abel (Genesis 4). The patriarch Jacob used a rock for practical purposes – he needed a pillow (Genesis 28). We are told that the prophet Elijah used the cleft of a rock to hide from an enemy (I Kings 19). We know that Nehemiah used rocks to rebuild Jerusalem’s walls. The church’s first Deacon, Stephen, was stoned to death with rocks (Acts 7). Rocks are not the problem. They were created by God and serve a multi-purpose. However, a rock in the wrong hands can obviously be deadly, just ask Cain. And last time I checked, no one needs a special license to use one or look very hard to find one.

While there are some out there who would just prefer to ban certain weapons or technology or “throw out the baby with the bath water”, that isn’t really the heart of the issue. Snapchat is not a bad app, even though it does allow an opportunity for bad decisions. Every generation has to address each technological advance and determine how to protect our youngest ones from its eventual misuse or abuse. The back seat of a car is a tremendous feature even if teenagers have been using it inappropriately for decades. Television can be a wonderful tool of education for some, while others choose to use it for more sinister viewing. A baseball bat, the internet, money, cough medicine and guns can be used for both good and bad, depending upon the user. Banning any of these from public use not only limits how each can be used for good, but it also misses point.

We can ban guns and rocks and those who desire to kill will still do so with a knife or club.

You can remove Snapchat from a teenagers phone and those who desire to sext will simply find another app or way to do it.

Perhaps we should invest more effort addressing the heart of the problem, which is the heart of people. As President Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Character, in the long run, is the decisive factor in the life of an individual and of nations, alike.”

I think it is safe to say, America, though still considered a super power in the world, has lost its way. Our character, as a nation, is not where it used to be. French historian (Alexis-Charles-Henri Clérel de Tocqueville) visited America in the mid 1800’s looking for the secret to America’s success. Where He found it may shock you. His observation is profound,

“I sought for the greatness and genius of America in her commodious harbors and her ample rivers – and it was not there. I sought it in her fertile fields and boundless forests – and it was not there. I looked in her rich mines and her vast world commerce – and it was not there. I looked in her democratic Congress and her matchless Constitution – and it was not there. Not until I went into the churches of America and heard her pulpits flame with righteousness did I understand the secret of her genius and power. America is great because she is good, and if America ever ceases to be good, America will cease to be great.”

To truly change a nation, you must change the character of its citizens. To truly change the character of its citizens, you must change their behavior. To truly change their behavior, you must change their mindset. To truly change their mindset, you must change their heart. And to truly change a human heart, God must be involved as the heart is His domain.

A changed heart produces a changed mind. A changed mind produces changed behaviors. Changed behaviors produce changed characters. And people of character, change nations. Abraham Lincoln, William Wallace, Winston Churchill and Nelson Mandela are some examples, just to name a few.

We don’t need gun control or a different app, we need heart surgery, one citizen at a time.

After confessing his affair with Bathsheeba and the murder of her husband, King David penned these words in Psalm 51, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit in me.” He recognized his need for a new heart.

Do you?

“If My people, who are called by My name, will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.” (II Chronicles 7:14)

Rod’s Blog: 2012 Year in review

December 31, 2012May 4, 2015 rodarters

As 2012 comes to an end, so does my first year as an official blogger. I never thought I would join the blogging community and now I can’t imagine not being a part of it. Though I have been writing for years and have been published numerous times in both magazines and newspapers, there is something unique and special and different about writing for a blog. No editors, no deadlines, no word limits or endless revisions. I have also made some new friends along the way, an added benefit that I did not anticipate when I made the decision to blog.

As you may know, my goal was to write a “thought-provoking blog about life, mistakes, faith, hope and grace. Oh, and sometimes it is funny.” With each post, I have tried to stay true to that guideline. I have written about life with posts about birthdays, Boy Scouts, dating, school shootings, freedom of speech, abortion,& suicide. Many of the posts mention the many mistakes I have made in my life and the subsequent lessons I have learned from them. I have tried to weave faith, hope, grace and humor through each post as they are aspects we all need regardless of our personal situation. I even offer some free parental advice in posts like “How to raise a rebellious child”, “The corrective brace” and “Parenting in the technological age.”

I thought I would use this final post to share some fun facts about my blog as of today (December 31, 2012) – the last day of the year. For those who have encouraged me to write again – thank you. For those who have read my posts, forwarded them to others, made comments, suggestions and critiques – thank you as well. My blog would not be where it is today without you.

2012 Fun Blog Facts:

90 – Number of posts written this year (total)
17 – Most number posts written in a given month (May)
4 – Least number of posts written in a given month (April & November)
48,638 – Number of people who have read my blog
22,514 – Most viewed month (July)
7,098 – Most views in one day
18,272 – Most read blog (The Dark Knight Rises Indeed)
151 – Number of countries that have seen my blog

Top 10 most views by country:

Country	Views
United States	36,096
Canada	1,092
United Kingdom	1,008
Netherlands	657
Australia	608
Philippines	590
Thailand	436
India	429
Italy	427
Germany	402

Top 10 most popular posts (by views)

Source: 2012 Annual Report

See you in the New Year!

I am bad to the bone

December 21, 2012June 1, 2015 rodarters

Believe it or not, I have a few enemies walking around on this planet. If they were to ever see this post title, they would whole-heartedly agree that I am a bad person. A few of them have even taken the time to let me know how bad they think I am. Just for the record, they are right. I am a bad person but for different reasons than they think.

For my enemies, I am a bad person because I have done some bad things. Like everyone else with a pulse, I have not always made the wisest decisions. At times I have acted selfishly and hurt others as a result, even unintentionally. Even though I am truly sorry for those actions and have done what I can to make peace with those I have wronged, their pain remains. Some have chosen to forgive me. Some have not. No one forgets. Be that as it may, I can’t change the past and it’s not healthy for me to stay there. So, I now embrace my past and try to learn from my scars.

I am not a bad person because I have done some bad things. If that was the criteria for being a bad person, than everyone would share this same title. Haven’t we all done something bad at some point in our lives? The problem lies in our definition of bad. For many out there, they view “badness” in terms of action alone and have created an unspoken hierarchy and ambiguous rating system. For example, murderers are obviously bad. So are adulterers and rapists. If you steal something, you’re also bad. Or if you harm children or any animals. Also, if you get drunk, do drugs, chew (or go out with those who do), you’re also bad. While we are at it, if you have tattoos (especially visible ones) or have any type of piercing (other than your ears) – you’re probably bad. After all, “good” people in the church choir don’t have these. As you can see from my sarcasm, it’s a slippery slope when bad is relegated to actions alone.

There are also varying degrees of bad, at least that’s how we act. For some reason, robbing someone’s home is worse than stealing someone’s car. But if you kidnap a child you are worse than the hijacker of cars. These examples of stealing are worse than if you stole money from your neighbor’s purse which is worse than stealing paper from your employer’s copy machine. And stealing “time” from that same employer does not count because it is not a tangible item that is missing, even if your employer’s “bottom line” says differently. It can get confusing and crazy trying to not only keep track of what you do but comparing yourself to others. Even if, by your own definition, you are bad – at least you’re not as bad as the guy next to you. After all, he has a tattoo.

During this particular holiday season, there is a lot of discussion about Santa’s “list” and who has been “naughty” or “nice.” This list is based entirely on behavior from the previous months. We all have (in our mind) what constitutes as “naughty” and who is deserving of Santa’s coal. But what if bad went beyond action? What if you received that title simply because of your thoughts? Thoughts precede action and therefore before anyone is bad in deed, they are bad in thought.

How many of us have lustful thoughts during the day? How many have wished ill on their enemy or even their ex? How many desire revenge on the highway? How many have thought about taking what is not yours simply because “no one will know?” How many have thought poorly about someone at work? The truth is, if you add thoughts to the criteria of bad, the list of bad people just grew exponentially. You may not have killed someone but you have certainly wanted to. You may not have physically cheated on someone’s spouse but you have thought about what it would be like. Have we all not looked at someone’s house (car, clothes, life, paycheck, etc) at some point and secretly desired it? Who among us has not looked down on someone simply because they are less fortunate than us? Add thoughts to the equation and very very few of us can escape the label of “bad”.

Being a bad person goes even deeper than just our actions and thoughts. Remember, we are human BEINGS. So, what is our being? It’s not as pretty as you might think. For example, observe a two-year old. No one seems more innocent than a baby or child. But are they? Watch them interact with other children or even their parents. No decent parent teaches them how to lie, deceive or steal. Yet, these same little “angels” will behave like master thieves, on their own, with no previous examples, coaching or experience. How? How does such a young child, devoid of evil training, learn how to act so sneaky? Where do they learn how to tell a lie? They watch Barney and Sesame Street and stay with Mom constantly and suddenly, at the playground, they are mini-Hitler. How can you explain this? You certainly didn’t teach them to steal toys and hit others. Why do they behave in this way? Two words:

Human nature.

Nurture is how you were raised. Nature is how you were born. Nurture is influenced by environment. Nature is determined by genetics. Your nurture (upbringing) may have been good, even really good. Your nature is not. You are, quite literally, bad to the bone. Genetically speaking, you’re a sinful mess. Your DNA is rotten, at the core. When Adam fell in the Garden, a sinful nature entered his heart that has been passed down from generation to generation ever since. This does not mean you are evil, it just means you are capable of it. This is what the Apostle Paul was talking about when he wrote, “Therefore, just as through one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sinned.” (Romans 5:12) We aren’t bad because we do bad things. We do bad things because we are bad – at the heart level. Just as an apple tree produces an apple, sinful hearts produce sinful actions.

Our justice system makes the assumption that we are, “innocent until proven guilty.” We make the assumption that we are “basically good.” God has a different opinion. He doesn’t compare us to each other. He compares us to Him and doesn’t judge with a bell curve. King David recognized our predicament when he wrote, “I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin my mother conceived me.” (Psalm 51:5) The prophet Jeremiah understood our heart condition when he penned, “The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9) The Apostle Paul ended the debate as to who was more advantaged in God’s sight when he writes, “Are we (Jews) better than they? (non-Jews)? Not at all: for we have already charged that both Jews and Greeks are under sin; as it is written, “There is none righteous, not even one… for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Even as a highly educated spiritual leader of his day, Paul was acutely aware of his fallen nature. He writes, “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good.” (Romans 7:18-21) The man who wrote 13 books of the New Testament even referred to himself as the “chief of sinners.” (I Timothy 1:15) It doesn’t matter if you were raised by Christian parents, attended Christian school, baptized in a Christian church by a Christian pastor and can recite the Christian’s Bible in the original languages. Every heart begins beating hostile to God and is inclined to give Him the middle finger. And because of that, heart surgery is required.

This is why good works cannot get you into Heaven, as many seem to believe. Logically, it doesn’t make sense. How good do you have to be for a perfect God to let you in? What deeds does He count as good? What about your bad deeds? Do they cancel out the good ones? How do you know the current score? What if you have good deeds but bad thoughts? Can bad thoughts cancel out good deeds? What good are good deeds if you still have a bad heart? The questions are endless and exhausting. In our performance based culture, we want to work our way in. Doing or thinking or being “good” isn’t the prerequisite for Heaven. If it were, how did the thief on the cross get in?

33 years after Jesus entered the world as a baby, He hung from a cross between two thieves. The two criminals represented all of mankind; Jew or Gentile, black or white, male or female, slave or free, me or you. Both were bad men, committing crimes that were fully deserving of their death penalty. Both had spent their lives taking from others. Now they were going to have their lives taken from them. They were hanging, helpless and hopeless. In-between them hang Christ; silent and bleeding. Though He was dying, He was still at work. He had one more heart to change, a heart probably harder than yours. The thief was on death row with no more cards to play. He can no longer run and his lies don’t work here. It’s really hard to lie when you are staring at the Truth. He offers no apologies and he makes no promises. He just utters a humble prayer, “Remember me when You come in Your kingdom.” No good deeds are possible. All his thoughts are regret. All he has left is his bad self and humble request. Apparently that’s all he needed. “Today“, Jesus said, “you will be with Me in Paradise.” The irony is striking. Jesus was welcomed to earth in a stable. A sinful crook is welcomed to Heaven with a mansion. That’s how God treats people who recognize their sin and their inability to fix it.

I think that is what I like most about this season called Christmas. It’s not the gifts though they are nice to give and receive. It’s not the Christmas trees or the lights. It’s not the carols and egg nog and mistletoe. It’s the reminder. A reminder of what is the true reason for the season. Jesus didn’t come to give us a gift. Instead, He came to be one. The Baby in the manger didn’t come to be cute, but to be the Cure. He didn’t come to make good men nicer. He came to make bad men His. He didn’t come to warm my heart. He came to give me a new one. And He’s still working. He’s got more hearts to change, one bad thief at a time.

And there is no greater Christmas present than a new heart.

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“If any man thinks ill of you, do not be angry with him, for you are worse than he thinks you to be. If he charges you falsely on some point, yet be satisfied, for if he knew you better he might change the accusation, and you would be no gainer by the correction. If you have your moral portrait painted and it is ugly, be satisfied, for it only needs a few blacker touches, and it would be still nearer the truth.” – Charles Haddon Spurgeon

“For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9, emphasis mine).

“But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy.” (Titus 3:4-5)

My $86,400 gift

December 19, 2012 rodarters

Last night, I was awoken by the doorbell. I looked at my clock – it was exactly 11:58pm – two minutes shy of midnight. “Who could that be?”, I thought. I went to the door and as I slowly opened it – a man was outside. I noticed three things right away: He was really old, had a really big watch and held a large duffel bag in his hand.

Was he in trouble and needing help? Was he a polite, old-school thief – knocking before entering? Was he a trick or treater running late? This had to be important because of the lateness of the hour.

“Good evening“, he said. “I would like to give you a gift.”

“What kind of gift?”, I asked, still half-asleep – thinking this was a joke.

“$86,400 dollars“, said the man.

This had to be a joke. Who gives strangers money of any amount – particularly at midnight, especially that size? I laughed.

He handed me the bag – and as he did – allowed me to see the contents. Sure enough, there was a lot of money in there. He spoke again, “Exactly, $86,400 dollars. It’s yours. You have till this time tomorrow to invest it.” And with that, my new best friend left.

I stood dumfounded at my door. Not being able to sleep, I spent the next few minutes looking at it – planning how I would spend it. 10% would go to the church. Another portion would go into savings. Some would go towards Christmas gifts. Some would go towards helping the less fortunate. Some would go towards my children’s college fund. Some would be invested. Some would buy some stuff I’ve always wanted. Within moments, every dollar was accounted for. I had spent all of it in my mind. But then I remembered the old man’s words. I had to “invest it” and I only had 24 hours to do it. It wasn’t enough time.

At that moment, my alarm clock went off. I awoke, discovering (to my disappointment) that it was merely a dream. Drats. I really wanted it to be true. I really wanted to receive a gift that size! Then the thought hit me, I have. In fact, that gift has been given to me thousands of times over the course of my life – not in dollars, but in seconds.

We all know that there are 60 seconds in a minute and 60 minutes in an hour. But did you realize there are 86,400 seconds in a day? Consider the last 24 hours of your life… how many hours did you waste? If you are like most people, you have squandered a lot of time this week. But it can actually get more depressing. Determine how many minutes you have wasted – not this week – but over the course of your life? If every second was a dollar and you invested instead of spent, think of how rich your life would be – even today.

Ever notice that to a child – waiting 5 minutes feels like “forever” to them? Listen to a parent of a college freshman describe the previous 18 years – “it flew by”. There is an amazing perspective on time – the older you get. I don’t know about you – but I’ve wasted a lot of time in my life. I’ve spent years chasing worthless things. Instead of investing wisely, I’ve foolishly spent. That “money” is gone – never to return. But today, we have all been given a new gift in the currency of time. If God is gracious, you will be given 86,400 seconds today. Considering that you spend about 28,800 seconds every day sleeping – that leaves you with only 57,600 seconds left for today. How are you going to invest them?

As I write this, I am sitting next to one of my sleeping children. I love to watch them sleep. As I do, I am often flooded with memories of our past. Fun times at the park, milestones we have achieved, vacations we have enjoyed. Even yesterday, as I was driving, this child says to me, “Dad, can you explain something to me? The idiom “making a mountain out of a mole hill,” what does that mean?” The child just turned seven. I didn’t know what an idiom was until college. The definition is still fuzzy to me. Conversational memories like these are precious to me, if not humbling. I’m left with two primary thoughts. 1) My kids are smarter than I am. 2) I want more time with them.

As I look at my children, I am acutely aware that my own Dad is no longer with me. He died unexpectedly when I was five years old from viral pneumonia. One of my earliest childhood memories is watching the paramedics take my Dad away. It was the last time I ever saw him. I wish I had more time. We all wish for more time, particularly with those we love.

The reality is, we have 86,400 seconds every day with which to make things happen. It’s the same amount given generously to everyone, whether you are the President of the United States or a drug addict on the street.

How will you invest your gift today?

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The following poem does a beautiful job explaining the importance of this investment of time.

The Dash – by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone,
from the beginning…to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
and spoke of the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,
the cars…the house…the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.

So, think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what’s true and real
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
and more often wear a smile,
remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read,
with your life’s actions to rehash…
would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent YOUR dash?

“So teach us to number our days, that we may present to You a heart of wisdom.” (Moses in Psalm 90:12)
“Be very careful, then, how you live — not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.” (Paul in Ephesians 5:15-16)
“Show me, O LORD, my life’s end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life. You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man’s life is but a breath.” (David in Psalm 39:4-5)

School shootings and what they teach us about security

December 14, 2012 rodarters

As I write this, I am on a business trip to Sheppards Air Force Base in Wichita Falls, TX. Before I entered the base, I drove through a military checkpoint where my car was visually searched and my credentials were thoroughly checked by an armed guard. Every military installation in the country has a similar procedure for all who enter their base. On November 5, 2009, in spite of all of these security precautions, a single gunman was able to get past all forms of base security. In a few terrifying moments, 13 were killed and 29 wounded in one of the most secure places on American soil, Fort Hood, the most populous US military installation in the world. To this day, it is the worst shooting ever to take place on an American military base.

This morning, a single gunman got past the “security system” of an elementary school in Newtown, CT and opened fire on students, teachers and administrators before killing himself. (By security system, I mean the doors were locked and could only be opened after being “buzzed in.” Denied entrance, he broke through a window.) In a few terrifying moments, over 27 are dead with at least 20 of them being students under the age of seven.

Today, my son turned seven years old. He is a first grader at an elementary school that does not have a high-tech security system. In fact, at his school, they don’t even lock the doors. Many Wednesdays at 10:15am, I walk through the unlocked front doors and head to the main office to “sign in” to have lunch with my son. Less than 10 steps past those doors is the cafeteria where several hundred students eat lunch at one time in one place. As a parent, after today’s tragic event, you can see where my thoughts are going. Though the school does have a police presence both morning and afternoon, it is far from secure. And in the school’s defense, how can it be? The killer in CT smashed through a window. In spite of locked doors he forced his way in. The shooter at Fort Hood was not only a soldier on base, but a practicing psychiatrist. Psychiatrists are supposed to help the crazy, not be crazy themselves. The point is, no security in the world can stop every crime committed by those hell-bent on evil.

In the next few weeks we will be hearing more about the need for more police, more cameras, more locks, more metal detectors, more parental chaperones on school campuses. Even if all of these things are installed, will it even help? I am well-known by the staff at my son’s elementary school. Teachers and administrators know me by name. Every day they see me cheerfully pick up my son from school. Many Wednesdays they see a loving father have lunch with his son. There would be no reason for them not to trust me. I do not appear unstable in any way. And yet, with such unhindered access, I could (if I wanted to) cause unspeakable horror to their student body. And what about the teachers? Or their staff? Countless millions of trusted individuals work with our nation’s youth and in our country’s school systems. Is it possible for any school to fully protect every child from someone bent on doing wrong?

It’s hard enough to protect ourselves from the evil outside the walls of our homes, churches, malls and schools. How can any school, church, mall or public arena even begin to protect themselves from the evil within? There are simply not enough police, cameras or locks to prevent terrorists from creating terror.

Just as we have witnessed with previous school shootings, the shooting at the Colorado movie theatre, the various mall slayings and now the elementary school tragedy, we are once again forced to face our greatest problem in America today. It is not the lack of police, the lack of education or the lack of locks. We do not lack staffing or cameras or even metal detectors. We lack the ability to protect ourselves from ourselves and it is quickly costing our personal freedom.

I flew one of the major airlines to reach my destination this week. Like thousands before me, I moved at the pace of herding cattle through the security checkpoint in the airport. I was forced to take off my shoes, belt and jacket and stand in an awkward position as the X-ray machine spun around me. Just before I was deemed “safe” by the TSA, there was an obvious issue with the people in front of me. A young couple was being searched by security because of their baby stroller. Either the baby, the stroller or the diaper bag had raised a concern and everyone behind them were now delayed. Ten minutes went by and I am standing there, half-naked, waiting to reunite with my dignity. Thanks to 9-11, this scene has become the norm, throughout every airport in the country.

Today, was the 9-11 of our school system. Though the previous school shootings have certainly impacted our national psyche and have created a movement of security, nothing hits closer to home than watching little children gunned down in what’s supposed to be a safe haven of learning. The few minutes of terror experienced in that elementary school in Connecticut will be a defining moment in our country’s school system. Parents across the country will demand for security changes to their various schools. I imagine even my access to my own son will change by next Wednesday because of what happened today.

Our prayers go out to the families of the victims. Our thoughts go out to the hundreds of families whose upcoming Christmas morning will be tainted by today’s horrific events. In spite of this, let us not lose hope.

Though Judas betrayed Jesus. Though Peter denied Christ. Though the disciples deserted their Rabbi. Though the Jews killed their King. Though the inner circle acted like the outer enemy. The trusted committed treason. What others may intend for evil, God can turn for good. May God somehow do what He does best in these terrible situations, create triumph from tragedy – even days away from our nation’s most beloved holiday.

And may we finally recognize where our nation’s security really lies. It’s not in our military or our checkpoints or our metal detectors, police, locks or cameras. Through their best efforts, they continually fail us. Our security can only be found in One place and sadly our schools only request His help on days like today.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble.” – Psalm 46:1

Things I need: water, food, an iPad, etc.

December 13, 2012 rodarters

There are some things in life that seem to constantly elude us. They may not elude all of us all of the time but they certainly can have a slippery aspect to them and make each hard to grab at different points in our lives. Things like: Love, money, patience, employment, friends, good hair days, “luck” (if you believe in that), good looks, fresh breath, trust, time, health, children, sleep, approval, etc.

We all know at least one person who is missing one (or more) of these treasured items. In fact, if we are honest, we may be missing a few of these ourselves. As hard as we try, we are still impatient. As much as we search, we can’t find love. No matter how many jobs we get – we can’t make enough money. Make up or make-overs can’t ultimately change our looks. Some people have bad breath and swallowing a gallon of Listerine can’t change it. Past betrayal may make future trust seem impossible. Why is it so hard to lose that final 10 lbs or get rid of that chronic ache? It can get frustrating when the one thing (or the six things) you want just never end up in your grasp.

We are born discontented. We come out of the womb crying and unhappy. To the infant, there is no difference between “want” and “need.” They want milk because they need milk. They want to be held because they need to be held. Want and need feels the same to a baby. As we mature, we understand the difference between “want” and “need”. Intellectually, we know that we NEED food but we WANT an iPad. However, though we understand this difference intellectually, we do not necessarily articulate this difference verbally. Our words betray our misunderstanding when we find ourselves saying things like, “I NEED an iPad.” Granted, we don’t really NEED an iPad but the fact that we say that we do blurs the line and creates the feeling of discontent. We create the same confusion when we say things like, “I’m starving.” Yes, we need food to survive but that sentence is never said out of need, but want. Most Americans don’t know what it means to actually starve. Hunger pains are not the same as starvation. No one ever died from missing one meal. We allow our “wants” to fool us into thinking they are actually “needs” and when we do not receive the perceived want, we become discontented and the chase is on.

As adults, it doesn’t seem to matter what we put in our mouths – our appetite continues. We are constantly chasing something. A rich man has money but maybe lacks a relationship with his children. A poor man can obtain love but not pay his electric bill. A woman can have beauty but still lack security while an elderly man can have wisdom but lack health. One couple wants one baby while another couple wants two more. We all want more time. Our pockets feel perpetually empty even when they are filled. It seems that there is always something else we want. There is always something out there that we think will make our life more complete. If I could just have ____________ (fill in the blank), THEN I would be truly happy. Truly satisfied. Isn’t that how we feel most of the time? Isn’t that why marketing companies and TV commercials and radio advertisements are so effective? Every company recognizes that you are missing SOMETHING and their product or service will help you get it.

Methods change but human nature does not. Our wants and needs in the past are still our wants and needs today. What Adam searched for outside the Garden, we still search for with our Garmin. Eve’s longings yesterday are still Eve’s longings today. Today, most people tie their happiness to their circumstances. If life is going the way they want, they are happy. If they are missing or lacking something, they are sad, depressed or consumed by what they are missing. If happiness, joy and peace are only obtained by getting what we want, no wonder everyone seems to be depressed all the time.

I have had the privilege of traveling to several third world countries. I have been to the jungles of Ecuador. I have walked the poorest streets of the Dominican Republic. I have seen the “garbage dump communities” in Guatemala City. Even in America, I have spent time in several “ghettos” in some of our major cities. Once I even spent the night in a homeless shelter in Washington, D.C. I have been with the poorest of the poor and have witnessed abject poverty first hand.

Years ago I used to sponsor a child through an organization called Compassion International. For $25 dollars a month, my donation would help a child from a poor village receive an education, give his family money for better clothes, better food, better opportunities. The child I sponsored was a nine-year old boy named Elvis and Elvis lived in one of the poorest communities in the Dominican Republic. For years, Elvis and I would send letters to each other (through Compassion’s translators) and talk about our families. He would tell me about what he was learning in school and how my assistance was giving him an opportunity to change his life.

Through Compassion International, I arranged a visit with Elvis in the D.R.. After years of financial support and correspondence, I was finally going to meet my sponsored child – who was now 16. I was not prepared for what I was about to see. Though my support did give him opportunities that he would not have had access to otherwise, he was still living in a poor home in a poor village. When I met his mother, she could not stop smiling. You could tell, through the language barrier, that she was struggling to find a way to thank me for my contribution. As I entered her home, she offered me a tall glass of something pink. The glass was dirty. I accepted the glass and faked a sip. (We were instructed to drink nothing unless it was offered in a sealed container.) As she gave me a tour of their tiny home, I realized I was in a hut. The floors were dirt. The walls were flimsy. If the Big Bad Wolf was outside, I was surely his next meal. The roof was made of soup cans. Literally soup cans. The cans were cut and flattened and placed like shingles on the roof. Obviously, there was no insulation. The entire 4 bedroom hut was the size of most American living rooms. There were at least six people living there. Honestly, it was difficult to be there. Everywhere I looked I saw living conditions that were deplorable. We wouldn’t let our pets stay where these people lived. As I walked through their home, it was hard not to cry. I held back tears as I saw where they slept. I held back tears as I looked at their “kitchen.”. I held back tears when I saw how happy they were – with virtually nothing. On the wall of one of the bedrooms, were two pictures. One was a framed cross-stitched image of a house. It was not something any American would hang prominently in their home. In fact, unless it was made by someone important to you, it would never be featured on any wall on any home in America. This was her prized art. It looked like something you would reject in the free pile of a yard sale and she had it hanging as a way to decorate her place. Next to it was a picture of me. ME!? I had travelled 1500 miles from my home to find a picture of me on someone’s wall. As I stared at her artwork, she took the framed cross-stitched house and offered it to me.

Are you kidding me???

I had more money in my pocket than she had in her life and she was going to give me her prized possession? No way. I couldn’t accept it. And then I realized that her kind gesture had never happened to me before. I had been in hundreds of American homes commenting on numerous items on people’s walls and no one, not one, had ever taken it off the wall to give to me. By the same token, I have never offered any of my prized possessions to anyone either. She had little and offered what she had freely. By contrast, I have everything and refuse to part with any of it. It was at that point, I realized just how poor I really was. The one to be pitied was not her, but me.

The experience reminded me of an ancient letter I had read just a few days before my trip. The letter, by the Apostle Paul, was written about 62 A.D. from a prison cell, most likely in Rome. Prisons in Rome were not the humane housing they are today. This cell would have been cold, dark, damp and dirty. It was also subterranean, approximately twelve feet underground. Prisoners, their guards, and their provisions were lowered through an opening the size of a manhole. Iron shackles were fixed to the walls. The only available light would be from a torch. The Roman historian, Sallust, described the Roman prison as “disgusting and horrible, by reason of the filth, darkness and stench.” It was in this environment that Paul penned the following words:

“Do everything without grumbling or arguing…” (Philippians 2:14)
^“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” (4:6)
“…Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (4:8)
“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” (11-13)

What is your life lacking? What are you missing? Probably a lot less than Paul’s at that time. And yet he is encouraging others not to grumble or complain. He reminds his friends to not be anxious about anything. He challenges us all to pray. Paul could have spent his time thinking about his deplorable conditions or his current life situation. Instead, he chose to think about things that were noble, pure and lovely. And in the midst of his dire situation, he admits he is content in any and every situation – even in prison.

Have you learned Paul’s secret yet? I’m working on it. And when I start thinking about all that I don’t have and sense discontentment creeping in, I am reminded of Paul and his letters and an old Indian proverb, “I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.”

I’m blessed. Once again, I am content. I truly have everything I need.

Except an Ipad. Man, I need one of those badly.

“True contentment is a thing as active as agriculture. It is the power of getting out of any situation all that there is in it. It is arduous and it is rare.” – G.K. Chesterton

“When you are discontent, you always want more, more, more. Your desire can never be satisfied. But when you practice contentment, you can say to yourself, ‘Oh yes – I already have everything that I really need.’ – Dalai Lama

Liars, cheaters, thieves and me.

December 8, 2012March 1, 2018 rodarters

When the topic of cheating comes up, there are few people who take a neutral position. Because of the serious nature of the crime and the emotional baggage it carries, it often brings with it a very passionate reaction. Most people despise the cheater since that emotion is easier and comes naturally. After all, cheating is despicable and non-defensible. Some people offer sympathy, not just to the offended person but even to the culprit. Those who empathize can usually relate to one or the other on some experiential level or they are more in tune with their own fallen nature. A few will recognize the universal truth: hurt people hurt people. Though the offended party is understandably hurt, the cheater is not without his/her own level of pain. For many cheaters, their pain existed long before the affair and their selfish actions were born from that pain. For those that were wronged, their pain begins after the betrayal and they often do what they can to seek revenge. As I said, hurt people hurt people.

So, why do cheaters cheat? What causes them to even entertain the thought? Why do they take the risk? Do they really think they can get away with it? In a word, yes. Remarkably, every cheater who has ever cheated has done so because of two powerful reasons:

Pride and
They actually believe their own lies.

Cheating is the height of selfishness. In that world, there is a cheater and his/her perceived needs that must be met. Nothing else exists. In this narcissistic state of mind, there are a number of lies that must be told and believed before a cheater can even begin to think his/her plan is possible, let alone feasible. Here are the top 10 lies that must be purchased. Interestingly, most of these lies can apply to someone who wants to rob banks, embezzle money, look at porn, or even do drugs. The “crime” doesn’t matter. The overinflated sense of self and the ability to believe their own lies are essential.

I won’t get caught. This is probably the most absurd lie of them all but is truly the cornerstone of all the other lies. If this lie can be believed and swallowed, then the rest of them go down much easier. The truth is, you WILL get caught. It’s not a matter of if, but when. If the Director of the C.I.A. cannot conceal an affair, what makes you think you can?
No one will ever know. This lie is similar to the first but more in-depth in its scope. Not only will you not get caught but this is a secret you can take to your grave. After all, you have all your “bases” covered. All your alibis are solid. All your stories are straight. All your text messages deleted. All your emails erased. No one will EVER find out about it. You repeat this lie over and over until you believe it. The truth is, one day, EVERYONE will know, even if that knowledge occurs after you’re gone.
What they don’t know, won’t hurt them. This lie makes a lot of sense to a cheater but few cheaters would want that logic applied to them. Would you want a merchant to overcharge you for a product without your knowledge? Or worse yet, would you want a doctor to not share the diagnosis of cancer with you? I mean, if you don’t know the truth, it can’t hurt you, right? The truth is, sometimes, what people don’t know can destroy them.
Everybody is doing it. This is a common phenomenon in human behavior. Thieves think others are stealing because they are. In like manner, cheaters often assume others are being unfaithful because they are. Granted, adultery is rampant in our culture. But the truth is, NOT everyone is doing it. There are many faithful, loyal men and women out there – showing the rest of us what fidelity & commitment looks like.
It’s not that big of a deal. Downplay. Minimize. Reduce. Common tactics for someone who is playing Russian Roulette with a fully loaded pistol. If it’s not a big deal, then why all the lies? If it’s not that big of a deal, why the secrecy? If it’s not such a big deal, do it openly. The truth is, it IS a big deal and the knowledge of it will devastate everyone who knows you.
People already know and are ignoring it. Some of the lies sound crazy once you are living in the truth. This is one of them. There are times when you are convinced that everyone knows and they are turning a “blind eye” to your behavior. This is false anesthesia to the soul. The truth is, no one is condoning your actions. They truly don’t know…yet.
God will forgive me. This is a case of spiritual gymnastics. The cheater has enough knowledge of God and His word to be deadly. Yes, God will forgive all sins except unbelief (Mark 3:28-29). However, this does not mean you should presume upon His grace or forgiveness (Romans 6:15). Even if God forgives you, it does not mean you will come out unscathed by His consequences (Proverbs 6:29). The consequences for such behavior are truly devastating for everyone in your life.
My spouse will forgive me. Maybe they will. Maybe they won’t. Is this the risky card you really want to play? Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation. It does not mean you will be accepted back or restored to your previous position. Forgiveness may be quick but trust will take years. You are making some dangerous assumptions about someone you are hurting.
I’m not getting what I need. This may be true but cheating isn’t the answer. Just because your employer does not pay what you “need” does not mean embezzling money is the answer to that dilemma. If you are not getting what you need, tell your spouse. Go to counseling. Meet with a therapist. Attend a support group. Talk to a friend. Though cheating may scratch your itch for a season, it won’t make the itch go away. There is a deeper itch beneath the surface that cheating cannot scratch. Commit to finding the proper solution for it.
It’s just a physical thing. Nope, wrong again. It’s an emotional thing. And a mental thing. And a spiritual thing. It may seem physical to you but your whole being is involved here (mind, body, spirit), not just one horny member of it.

For a cheater, most of these lies will sound familiar. They may even have a few more of their own. Some or all of them are essential to believe before the cheating begins. So important are these that you can’t continue in the destructive behavior without swallowing one or more of these pills daily.

One day, though, the truth will come out. One day, the lies you digested will make you utterly sick. One day, the world you have created will face the world that is. Reality eventually trumps fantasy and you will wake up to realize the dream is actually a nightmare. The alarm cannot be snoozed. The deeds done in darkness will eventually be exposed in the light. Each and every lie will be addressed by the Truth.

A word of caution for all the non-cheaters reading this. It’s easy to throw a judgmental rock at a cheater, particularly if one has cheated on you. It’s easy to create a “me vs. them” mentality. After all, you are better than they are since you didn’t cheat. Remove your judgmental glasses for a minute and grab a mirror. Or better yet, grab a Bible. It appears that you may not be off the hook either. According to Jesus standard of faithfulness, “anyone who looks at a woman (or man) lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28)

You may not have committed that particular “deed” but all dirty deeds start in the heart and yours isn’t as clean as you think. The only difference between your heart and theirs is they followed through on what you have already considered. Or, you just haven’t been caught yet. Or your temptations are different. Adulterous thoughts, actual affairs, and judgmental pride are all the same in God’s book. Consequences are certainly different but hearts are the same. And Jesus didn’t come to clean up behavior. He didn’t just come to pardon sinful actions. He came to change wicked hearts. And according to His standard, apparently, you have one too.

“There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one… there is no difference between the Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:11,12, 23)

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:1-3)

Before you cheat… 14 things you need to know.

November 29, 2012March 2, 2018 rodarters

It seems that every 3 months or so we learn of another celebrity caught cheating on his or her spouse. To say adultery is an epidemic in our current culture is an understatement. And it doesn’t seem to be a respecter of position. Regardless of what we do for a living, (Politicians, Pastors, teachers, athletes, actors, musicians, etc) cheaters are in our midst. It seems to be so prevalent today that the question isn’t who is cheating but rather – who isn’t?

Too many treat their most important relationships casually and their commitments to them as optional. Our microwave society mentality (quick and easy) has infiltrated our most sacred institution, marriage. Many cheaters try to justify their reasons for infidelity. To a cheater, their reasons make sense. Perfect sense. To those who have never strayed they just don’t understand why.

Our thirst for affairs has become so accepted and normal in our culture that most shows on television mention an infidelity reference somewhere throughout the episode. Not to be outdone, we even have a reality show (called Cheaters) that is designed to reveal an indiscretion and exploit the humiliation on national television. Honestly, I’m not sure which is worse – the immoral action of the cheater or the people who produce the show. The fact that the series is in its 12th season is an indictment against us. I’m not sure which is more devastating – discovering your lover’s unfaithfulness or discovering the crushing news at the same time as the train-wreck watching public. We live in a very sad day and age.

I have seen first-hand the destruction of adultery. Cheating devastates relationships and shatters dreams. If you have entertained the idea of cheating on your spouse or significant other, let this serve as your official warning. Your handsome boss, cute office secretary or sultry neighbor down the street comes with a price tag that you cannot afford. Before you cheat here are 14 things you really need to know.

You will become a liar. It’s bad enough to bear the title of “Cheater,” but if you cheat, you will also wear the hat of “Liar.” Cheating cannot occur without deceit on some level and normally the white lies in the beginning become full-fledged lies at the end. “I’m working late at the office tonight” may be a half-truth but you’ll need to redefine the word “working” to silence your compromised conscience. Cheating and lying go hand in hand. (For more about the lies that cheaters tell, click here.)
You will get caught. It may not be today. It may not be tomorrow. But eventually, your affair will come to light. Your world will come crashing down on you. If you are fortunate, the story of your indiscretion may avoid the evening news or the front page of your local paper, but your circle of friends will know your deeds. And everyone likes to share juicy news. Your poor decision will become as public as a billboard. It’s not a matter of if but when. As Pastor Rick Warren tweeted recently, “If the Director of the CIA can’t hide and cover up an affair, no one can.” As the Chinese proverb goes, “If you don’t want anyone to know it, don’t do it.”
You will disappoint everyone. Every.One. Your spouse. Your friends. Your co-workers. Your God. Your parents. Your nephew. Your children. Your neighbor. Yourself. The disappointment you cause will be like the stench of skunks and it will take a long time to remove the smell.
You will be a bad example. Everyone is either a good example or a bad example in all things that we do. Cheating is a not only a very bad example in relationships but brings with it a cloud of doubt that hovers over you in other areas of your life. If you cheated in one area, would you cheat in another? Cheating communicates to everyone that you took the easy road. It tells others that you were willing to cut corners in your most primary relationship. It reveals that you were not willing to do the hard work and get the help you needed. No one ever admires a cheater. No one looks up to an adulterer. Even if you did a lifetime of good, this one bad deed can erase it all.
You will lose your moral authority. It’s hard to tell your children (or others) to do the right thing when they know you didn’t. Saying “Do as I say, not as I do” is the fastest way to lose the respect of others. Not only will you lose their respect, you’ll lose yours. Every moral judgment you make in the future will be weighed against your adulterous action of the past. It doesn’t mean you can’t speak the truth in the future, it just means that few will listen to you.
You will create trust issues for your spouse. Forever. You will single-handedly damage the precious self-esteem of the one you promised to love. Every relationship they have after you will be one that they struggle to trust. If that were not enough, you will rock the world of children and cause them to question the stability of every meaningful relationship they have. For children, their parents relationship is their anchor and cheating cuts the line.
You will lose your standard of living. Depending on what you do for a living, you may lose your job. Many lose their home. Most end up with enormous court fees since cheating is usually the precursor to divorce. Betrayed spouses have a way of making you pay and that payment is always expensive. Every check you write is a constant reminder of your foolishness.
You will spend years trying to rebuild your life. Literally years. Even if you somehow weathered the storm financially, you will find it takes years for you to recover emotionally. It takes years for you to restore certain friendships, if you even do. It takes years for you to rebuild your character. It takes years to rebuild trust. It takes years to truly forgive yourself.
You will lose relationships. You will lose a LOT of relationships. Lifelong friends will walk away. Close friends that you have helped countless times will not be around to help you. Even some family members who are supposed to love you no matter what will vanish. A cheater can end up living a very lonely life. It’s hard for many people who used to call you friend to get past that skunk smell of disappointment and regain any level of trust.
You will increase your chances of getting an STD. Sexually transmitted diseases run rampant among promiscuous people. But your paramour is “clean,” right? After all, they told you so. And if there is one thing we all know – we can trust a cheater and their word. As the saying goes, “There is honor among thieves.” One helpful thought may be to assume that everyone but your spouse has an STD. That should curb your appetite for destruction.
The grass is not greener on the other side. The “grass is greener” idea is a common misconception. Because we have never been on that grass, we assume it must be better than where we currently stand. It’s not. In fact, though it may look greener from a distance – once you get there and make yourself comfortable, something interesting happens – the grass changes color. This usually happens soon after you get caught. You will then see that patch of land differently. You will also have a strange desire for the green grass you left… except now it is burned and won’t let you back. The best way to enjoy green grass is to water your own yard.
Would you want this done to you? Thieves like to steal wallets but hate when it’s done to them. If we all lived by the Golden Rule (“Treat others the way you want to be treated.”) most of life’s problems would be solved overnight. Think about this action as if it were being done to you. The problem is that it requires thought and thinking is often the last thing a cheater has on his/her mind.
You will eventually regret this decision. In the heat of the moment, cheating appears to make sense. It feels good and sometimes even feels right. Feelings are deceitful. Soon afterward, your eyes will be opened and you will regret that you ever partook of the forbidden fruit. Don’t we all have enough regrets in our lives? Why add another one – particularly one that can only destroy everything you have worked so hard to build? Your home may not be perfect but it sure beats living in a tent.
The pain outweighs the gain. No one ever says from their deathbed, I wish I would have had an affair. No one ever leaves their lawyer’s office with a smile on their face – grateful for the experience. No one loses dear friends and is glad they have one less Christmas card to receive this year. The loss is immeasurable. The pain can be unbearable. Entire kingdoms can be lost for a few minutes of pleasure. It is just not worth it.

In November 2008, I looked in the mirror and did not like what I saw. I did not like who I had become. I was finally at the point where I was willing to admit the dark side of my soul. The Dark Knight within me had risen indeed. Days later, I confessed to my wife, children and church that I had been unfaithful during my marriage. Needless to say, it was the most difficult series of conversations I have ever had in my life. There is no pain like watching people you love sob in tears because of your selfish actions. Within one year, I had lost everything dear and precious to me.

The 14 points above come from an extremely painful personal experience. I know what it’s like to fall and not be able to get up. Over the last several years, I have had to learn how to tear down my emotional walls – walls that assisted me in getting in trouble in the first place. I have come to understand the problem with pedestals, especially in the church, and have wrestled with the mechanics of forgiveness, especially forgiving myself. As difficult as it is, I now embrace my past and appreciate the many regrets. They have become precious to me. As a result of my actions, I have accumulated many scars and now try to learn from each and everyone of them. I have hit “rock bottom” and realized something amazing in the process. God is still here, even if others are not.

That’s my story. Chapters are still being written. It’s not easy to share but it’s mine nonetheless and I finally accept it as part of HIStory. As I read the Bible with a humble set of eyes these days, I see that the Book is filled with great men and women who have fallen in some pretty huge ways. God picks them up and uses them in spite of their past. I’ve come to learn that we all fall, just in different ways.

If I can help any of you get up from a fall, let me know. I’m merely one beggar telling other beggars where to find Bread.

rod arters

Delivering thought-provoking truths about life, mistakes, faith, hope and grace.

Category: General