Category: Christian

“How are you doing?”

rodarters

I was recently walking down the street when I passed someone and made eye contact.  As our eyes met, it seemed only natural that we exchange some sort of greeting.   This person said, “Hi.”  I immediately responded with, “How are you doing?”  Neither of us broke our stride and we continued on our merry way.

A few minutes later I realized that he never answered my question.  Of course, I have a feeling that he ignored my question because I was no longer in earshot of his answer.   The quality of his life, at that moment, did not matter to me.   Somehow he sensed that.  I asked him how he was doing but obviously didn’t care if I heard his response.   Was he having a great day?  Was he having the worst day of his life?  It doesn’t matter, because at this point, I’m halfway down the street asking another total stranger the same question.

Why do we throw around that phrase (“How are you?”) so flippantly?   Are we really that thoughtless and apathetic towards our fellow man?  Are we so self absorbed that we could ask such a personal and thoughtful question and not care about their response?   Could we really be that insensitive and uncaring?   Um, yep.   At least I can be.

It seems to be another example of how a word or phrase in our English language has lost it’s true significance.  Like the phrase, “I love you”, it can often sound hollow and devoid of its true meaning when it leaves our lips.   Instead of it being a sincere question of concern (“How are you?”), it has turned into a casual, passing, irrelevant greeting.   Instead of really desiring a truthful answer, we prefer a brief lie.  And the number one indicator that we don’t truly care?   We are physically or emotionally absent for their response.

The problem with using this “verbal check up” on certain people is that we may not desire or like their answer.   We just might hear something that will coerce us to respond and get involved.  Unconsciously, we only ask this question to “safe” people.   If we think the person is a low risk candidate, we will offer our question of fake concern.  Subliminally we think something like, “They look normal.  They look healthy.  They look like things are going well.   They know I’m not really asking for an honest answer.  Ok, they are safe to ask.”  It is for this reason we do not ask this same question to the homeless man, emotionally unstable woman or the person we know whose life just fell apart.   I mean, who has the time or energy to listen to the laundry list of problems?

Imagine if you heard the following answers from your casual question, “How are you?”

  • “I’m not doing well.  My spouse and I fight most every night.”
  • “I’m broke.  I just don’t know how I’m going to pay my electric bill or feed my kids this month.”
  • “I’m lonely.  I feel like no one out there cares for me.”
  • “I’m struggling.  I am addicted to (alcohol, porn, drugs, sex, gambling, etc) and can’t seem to get victory over it.”
  • “I’m worried.  I have a lump in my chest and am afraid it might be cancer.”
  • “I’m hurting”, “I’m mad”, “I’m upset”, “I’m frustrated”…. 

Now what do you say?   “Whoa!  T.M.I.!”   Did you really want all that information?  Now that you have it, what are you going to do with it?  Will you see them through to a solution?   Or, was it merely an empty question disguised as concern?

You can imagine the absolute shock on the disciples face when Jesus asked to speak with a man named Bartimaeus.  We are told in Mark 10 that Bartimaeus is blind, a beggar and sitting by the side of the road.   If there is anyone you do NOT want to ask a question to, it’s a man like Bartimaeus.  Anything out of his mouth is going to require something of you.  Minimally, you are going to have to listen to a few minutes of complaining.  But, depending on what he says, you may actually feel obliged to get involved.   With a crowd of people around Him and a very busy schedule, Jesus stops everything and asks Bartimaeus a servant’s question, “What do you want me to do for you?”   Jesus doesn’t have to ask how he  is.  He already knows.  Instead, He asks the follow up question, “What can I do for you?”

THIS is why we don’t ask “How are you?” and mean it.  Because, deep down, we are afraid that if life isn’t going smoothly, we will have to ask what we can do to help.  And for many people today, life isn’t going smoothly.  That is where things get messy.  If we were to be brutally honest, most of us don’t mind helping anyone as long as it does not cost us any time, energy, money, sweat or tears.  Asking the question is easy.  Sticking around for an honest answer is not.  The question involves our lips.  Their answer involves our life.

Jesus stuck around for an answer.   Bartimaeus wanted one thing, the ability to see.   The question was asked and Jesus didn’t leave until a sufficient solution was provided.  Why don’t we ask the same question of concern to others?  It’s not because we are afraid of being asked something we cannot deliver.   It’s actually the opposite.  We are afraid of being asked something we CAN deliver.  A simple question to others really turns into a question to us.  If they are not doing “well”, what am I willing to do about it?   My commitment to their well-being greatly impacts the sincerity of my concerned question.

Let me encourage you to do two things after reading this blog.

  1. Be honest.  The next time someone asks you how you are doing, be brutally honest.  Don’t say what they want to hear.  Say what is on your heart.   If you truly are doing great, say so.  If you are really hurting, say so.   They may need to struggle with your answer more than you need to struggle with your pride to sugarcoat your response.
  2. When you ask someone else that question, wait around for an answer.   Be prepared to be a part of the solution.  If you cannot help them directly, perhaps you can begin to gather resources to offer a solution.  If nothing else, perhaps your friendship and concern can provide them with a level of support and hope they did not have previously.

Before Jesus’ question, Bartimaeus was blind, begging and homeless.   After His encounter with Christ, He was able to see and walk with a new purpose in life.

One concerned question.   One honest answer.   Another changed life.

Ask.  Listen.  Help.

If Jesus had a storage unit…

rodarters

In the last three years, life circumstances have caused me to move three different times to three different states. (No, I’m not in the witness protection program!)  With each subsequent move, I seem to be gathering more “stuff” while downsizing living space.  As a result, I have not been able to fit all of my worldly possessions under my roof.   Over the last three years, I have had to place most of my valuables into the ever popular storage unit.

I went to the unit last month looking for something “important”.  I didn’t know exactly which box it was in which means I had to search them all.  That’s always fun.  Opening boxes in a storage unit is like attending a Squirrel Christmas party with amnesia.  You can’t remember what you buried or where you put it but opening it can feel like Christmas morning!  In my case, it felt more like Hoarders meets Sanford & Son.

It took me 30 minutes to finally find that “important” document.  I literally opened every box and bin and it should not have surprised me to learn which one it was in… the last one.  Ugh.   Why didn’t I look at the last one first?   I began to wonder, “If it was so important, what was it doing in the back of my storage unit?”   As I opened each bin, I found myself saying things like, “Why do I still have THAT thing?” or “What in the world is that and how did it get in my stuff?” or “Wow, I borrowed that four years ago from so-and-so and need to return it!”.   I realized that most everything I had – I really didn’t need or want anymore.   And when I came to THAT conclusion, I started to calculate how much money I have spent on all these rental units.   All in all, I rented for over 16 months at a tune of $2232.30.   Add the cost of U-haul rentals and moving expenses.   Ouch.  That’s a lot of money to store a nut I don’t need.

I was reminded of Jesus’ words in Matthew 8:20, “Foxes have holes and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.”  In a very humbling moment, I realized that I had more junk in my storage unit than Jesus had His entire life.  Though He probably stayed with family or friends most nights, He didn’t have a place He called home.   Where did He keep His important papers?   Where did He store all the junk He didn’t need?  WHY didn’t He have any of this stuff I deem so “important”?   Here are a few reasons:

After Hurricane Katrina, folks in Mississippi were building “Sheds for Jesus”. My question is – what in the world does Jesus need a shed for? Heaven & earth can’t contain His stuff that He needs a shed for storage??? The padlock is the best! Yea, Jesus needs a lock to guard His stuff.
  1. We have different priorities.   What I think is important in this world and what Jesus thinks are important in this world are TOTALLY different.   I chase things.  He chases people.  I keep my important things in a safe-deposit box.  Or a special drawer.  Or a locked storage  unit.  Everything important to Him cannot be contained in an earthly box.
  2. We have different treasures.  My treasures tend to be the ones you can find on “earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.” (Matthew 6)  His are clearly in heaven, protected from all decay.
  3. We see different things.  I have natural eyes that look too often at natural things.  He has supernatural vision.  He sets His mind on things above, and not on earthly things (Colossians 1).   Apparently, I’m spiritually nearsighted.  As a result, I walk by sight.  He only steps by faith.
  4. He understands, what I sometimes forget – you can’t take it with you.  Having come from a throne in Heaven, He recognized that nothing down here would make the trip back.   At His death, the only earthly possession He had were the clothes on His back and even those were taken by Roman soldiers inadvertently fulfilling a prophecy (John 19, Psalm 22) in the process.  The souvenirs He gathered from our planet were the walking lame, the seeing blind, the hearing deaf, the speaking mute, the living dead.   The only thing He ever intended to take back “home” were changed lives.   EVERYTHING else, by comparison, was not worth storing.  After losing EVERY earthly possession he owned, Job blurted out, “Naked I come from my mother’s womb, naked I shall return.” (Job 1:21)   There is a good reason you never see a U-haul behind a funeral hertz.

After my storage unit epiphany, I decided to move every box back home and go through every bin.  It took me about three weeks and numerous trips to Goodwill, but I did it.  No more storage units.  No more monthly fees!  I may never pack as lightly as Jesus did, but I am less encumbered today than I was yesterday.   And it feels good.

It’s not bad to have stuff to store.  The important thing is to make sure you own your things and that your things don’t own you.  Keep all your possessions in perspective.  Remember, you can’t take it with you.

With that being said, what will you be leaving behind?   Changed lives or a change of clothes?

Replace or redeem? The need for more bridges

rodarters

When something expensive is broken and money is flowing, we are quick to throw the broken item away and simply buy a new one.  But when something costly is broken and cash is low, we must figure out how to fix what we have.   Unfortunately, as a “wealthy, first-world” country, we have been allowed to replace too many things for too long.  In fact, in many ways – it’s actually easier and cheaper to buy something new.

A few years ago my DVD player broke.  I called the manufacturer to see how to get it fixed.  I realized that after shipping the unit across the country, paying for the part to repair it, plus the labor charges and the fee to ship it back to me, it would be much cheaper to throw it out and buy a new one.   Honestly, that disturbed me.  DVD players had become so inexpensive that they literally have become disposable!

Most things, it seems, have become easier to replace than redeem.  As a result, we have developed a mentality that encourages us to just buy new instead of fixing old.  And sadly, that mentality is not just isolated to our possessions, but even our relationships.

Most everyone reading this, regardless of age, has a broken relationship out there.  As you read that last sentence, a name comes to mind.  Or three or four names.  People you used to laugh with – now deleted from your phone.

Words were said.  Actions were done.  Actions were not done.  Things that we would have overlooked years ago now cause us to give the silent treatment.   Mild sarcasm that we would have forgiven in the past now turns into a bitter grudge.   Or maybe the wrong done – was really wrong… wrong enough to end the relationship.  The truth is, people can sometimes do hurtful things.  I have come to realize that people who have wounded me were also wounded themselves.  In other words, hurt people hurt people.  A friend will say something critical about us.  Neighbors complain.  Children are ungrateful.  Parents nag or worse yet, treat us like children.  Siblings tease us about a painful past experience.  Co-workers gossip.   Spouses are thoughtless, or worse – unfaithful.   Relationships get damaged and we are left staring at the relational shrapnel trying to decide what we will do with this person we once trusted.  Do we try to pick up the pieces or is it just better to walk our separate ways?

Some of us have viewed our closest relationships like a broken DVD player, disposable.  It’s easier to get a new boyfriend, than try to redeem an old husband.  It’s a lot less painful to get a new friend, than repair a broken relationship with a sibling.  Why open up old wounds with a parent who has hurt you when you can just ignore them now that you are an adult?   After all, you no longer need to borrow the family station wagon to get out.  “I’ve lived without them this long”, you rationalize, “why bother now?”

There are a lot of reasons why redeeming a relationship is better than replacing it.  The temptation is to let pride continue to course through your veins and justify all the reasons why you shouldn’t attempt the restoration.  “But he is the one who hurt me”, you think.  “Why should I take the first step when she is the one who was wrong?”  Or maybe you are thinking something like, “What I did was wrong and hurtful.  There is no way she’ll ever forgive me.  Why bother trying?”   Allow me to list six reasons why it’s worth trying.  One brief disclaimer: I am not suggesting that you need to redeem an abusive relationship or allow certain access with someone that is not physically or emotionally safe for you.  But there are times when you need to forgive (past hurts) and redeem (in spite of the hurt), especially if the offending party has changed/desires to change and is truly sorry/repentant for the hurtful behavior and has shown a consistent track record supporting that change.)    As you read the following list, think of the most important relationship you had, now broken, and picture what restoration looks like with that person. 

  1. People have loved you through some ugly times.   At some point in your life, you were not the perfect, pleasant person you are today.  There was a time when you were sullen, negative, disrespectful, inconsiderate, rude, sarcastic, mean or moody and someone (parent, teacher, sibling, coach, friend) decided to love you in spite of yourself.   Your words or actions hurt them and they decided you were worth the pain and stayed in the relationship anyway.
  2. If that isn’t enough, you have also been forgiven in Christ.  The Bible teaches that every sin we commit is punishable by death (Genesis 2:16-17, Romans 6:23).  Christ’s death on the cross was in your place.   Why would someone die for you, in your place?  Only one reason: love.  “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13)   If God can forgive your sins (which He was crucified for), can’t you forgive the lesser sins committed against you?  In fact, restoring relationships is so important to God that He raises the stakes with you.  “For if you forgive others for their sins, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6:14-15)
  3. You have a history with the person.   If the broken relationship is with a family member (ex-spouse, child, parents or siblings,) the history with them is like no other.   They hold a special place that no one else can fill.  You may be able to get another friend – but you’ll never get another sister, father, husband etc.   Even if the broken relationship is not a family member, you have tons of memories with them. At one point, there was some good times and positive experiences.  If you could get back to THAT, wouldn’t it be worth the work?
  4. Working through the pain can actually grow the broken relationship stronger than it was before.  In the human body, muscles & bones grow and strengthen under pressure, and become weak when barely put to use.   Relationships are very similar.  Too many friends “walk” after a heated disagreement.  When pressure hits a marriage, too many think separation/divorce is the answer instead of working it out.  Granted, there is a lot of pain and rehab to do – but it can be worth the effort.  And that relationship COULD be better than it was in the beginning – but only if BOTH sides are willing to put pride aside, change hurtful behaviors, humble themselves, ask for forgiveness and do the heavy lifting.
  5. A restored relationship shows others the power of forgiveness, friendship and love.  I recently read a story about a POW soldier from the Korean War who was tortured mercilessly by his captor for years.  Honestly, it was painful to read about the details of the abuse.  Years later, safely back on US soil – the soldier wondered what happened to this particular guard.  After years of searching, he found the name of his abuser and went to meet with him.  His goal: offer forgiveness.  The captor had become a Christian and was tormented, for years, over his evil actions.   The POW’s forgiveness had set him free.  Enemies had now become friends.   We all marvel at those types of stories, but few of us want to be the main character in one.
  6. If you are the one that initiates the restoration, you communicate a level of commitment to the other party that speaks volumes about your character.  In essence, what you are saying is:
  • “I want our relationship back more than I want my pride.”
  • “I want our friendship more than I want to be right.”
  • “I want your companionship more than I want the possible rejection you can give me right now.”
  • “I want you in my life more than I want you out of it.”

It’s hard to build such a bridge.  It’s painful to swallow your pride (particular if you think you are right).   It’s scary to take the first step.  But it is worth trying.  And years later, when you look back at that “incident” that caused the breach,  you often think, “Wasn’t it dumb of us to be that way?  I’m so glad we got over ourselves!”

  • Who do you currently have a broken relationship with?
  • What is your role in the demise of it?
  • What can you do (this week) to initiate contact and begin building the bridge?

There are three things you need to know about bridge building:

  1. It’s hard work.   It’s not easy going from point A to point B.
  2. It takes time.  You may have to work at it for a while.  If it took 13  years to destroy the bridge, don’t assume it will take 13 minutes to repair it.
  3. Once the bridge is built, you can get to places you never could before.  And others (generations later) can travel on your experience (bridge) and get there too.

I’ve fallen and can’t get up…

rodarters

As I write this, I have two friends of mine who are spending the night in a hospital.   Shannon is in critical condition in an I.C.U. unit in Asheville, NC after suffering a severe head trauma from a motorcycle accident.  Jason is awaiting an M.R.I. on his broken vertebrae (T-12) after a freak trampoline accident with his kids.  Though both are suffering different injuries from unrelated accidents, they have several things in common:

  • Both are amazing people.
  • Both are married with children.
  • Both are heavily involved in Christian ministry.
  • Both have a LONG road to recovery.
  • Both will need a lot of support to heal.
  • Both are dealing with self-inflicted wounds.   In other words, both are where they are tonight because they chose to participate in risky activities.  (I’m not suggesting they shouldn’t have been doing what they were doing, but merely pointing out that motorcycles and trampolines tend to be dangerous and unforgiving.)

As I sat in Jason’s room tonight, he was telling me about all the people who visited him today.  While I was there, two more people showed up.  It doesn’t surprise me.  He’s a wonderful man with a great sense of humor, godly character and a shepherd’s heart.  Everyone loves him.

When I visit Shannon’s Facebook page, I cannot believe all the comments.  Literally hundreds of people from all over the country – all day long – every few minutes – leaving their well-wishes and prayers.   Since no one can visit her right now – online comments seem to be their only connection to Shannon at the moment.  Only a remarkable person with a huge heart for others could receive such an endless thread of support.

As I watch both of my friends hurting & struggling right now – I also see the Church (with a capital “C”) come running to their aid.  It’s beautiful to witness.  People are watching their children so spouses can practice the “sickness” & “for worse” part of their wedding vows.  Others are “praying without ceasing”.   Many from their respective churches are cooking meals, doing household chores, literally whatever they can to help both families recover and heal.   The Church was told by Christ to “love one another”.  It’s great to see that commandment lived out in such a practical way.

I have found that when someone is hurting physically, the church is quick to respond.  When a husband falls off a ladder at home, the church responds immediately with concerned phone calls and get well cards.  When a teenage girl is in a near fatal car accident, the church is there to support the parents and offer months of support throughout the long healing process.  When mothers are delivering babies, the church has weeks of food prepared for the husband and older children.  If someone is hospitalized with cancer – the church shows up, in droves, to love and support.   Even if the accident or incident was their fault or was a result of risk taking or stupidity – the Church overlooks the unfortunate mistake or foolish decision and simply loves.  Simply helps.  Simply serves without judgment.   As it should.

But here is what I find interesting.   When someone “falls” morally, the Church is in slow motion.   Lives are devastated every day by vices like adultery, anger, gambling, alcoholism, pornography and drugs and many times, when someone has fallen “morally”, the church is missing in action.  The man who cheated on his wife obviously made a horrific error in judgment, and he needs the church more than ever after that admission.  The woman who has just come out of the closet with her alcoholism needs help and support, not distance and gossip (otherwise known as “prayer requests” in the Church).  The gamblers and drug addicts and fornicators and pornographers need help to change their ways.  They need support and love and grace and time to heal and learn how to do things right.   Some people fall morally.  Others, like Jason & Shannon fall physically.  The Church should be there for both.

For some reason though, it’s easier to call someone who has fallen physically and ask, “What can I do for you?”.   It seems to be harder to ask someone who has just fallen morally the same question.  For those who fall physically, we have doctors and nurses and hospitals for them to go to.  But for those who fall morally, where can they go for help?   The Church should be that place, but too often too few are around to offer them any type of support.   When the physically sick enter the hospital, no one looks at them funny.  They are embraced immediately with compassion and by people whose training and desire is to see them get well.   And the physically sick RUN to the hospital because they know it is the one place where they can find healing and help and compassion and medicine.   They know they belong there.

Do you know why the morally sick do not run to the Church?  Because they don’t feel it’s a safe place.  There are few there who are trained to handle their issues.  There are even less there that want to.  Sinners, many times, do not feel the Church’s embrace or see enough compassionate Christians interested in helping them become whole.   For the most part, they are right.  The hookers and strippers and bikers and druggies and adulterers and pornographers and thieves can’t walk into most Churches without feeling even more judgment on them.  The sinful choices they have committed in the past are a heavy burden on them and many don’t know how to stop carrying it.   Not much has changed in the 2,000 years since Christ walked the earth.  The sinners back then were known as prostitutes and tax collectors and they dared not enter the Temple.  They simply were not worthy and the Church leaders (Pharisees) reminded them often of that.  That is why they chased Jesus around Galilee.  For the first time, they found Love and Compassion and Grace, in human form.  In the Person of Christ they found both Help and Hope.

That is what makes the story in John chapter 8 so powerful.   A woman “caught in the very act of adultery” was brought before Jesus and was asked what should be done with her.   Instead of helping her find healing, the Church (aka Pharisees) were quick to point out her faults.  They literally drug her into the town square and publicly humiliated her.  Ah, the devastating power of gossip.  Everyone desired to give her exactly what she deserved – a judgemental stoning.  The Pharisees (aka the Church) had set a trap for Christ.  If Jesus agreed to stone her, He would be violating Roman law since the Jews were not allowed to carry out such a punishment.  If He agreed to let her go unpunished, He would be violating Jewish law which required her to be stoned for her sin.  How would Jesus handle such a sinner?  Famously, He said to the group, “He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.”  He did not condone her sin but He also did not condemn her either – though He alone could.  The heart of God overflows with compassion for people who recognize their wrong.  He did not stone her, but instead saved her.  He could have given her hell.  Instead, He gave her help.   Did she deserve it?  No.  But neither do you.  Isn’t that the point of grace?   Grace is for sinners.**  It is designed for those who don’t deserve it.

Everyone who falls needs help getting back up.   And if the church only helps those who fall physically, then how are they any different than a hospital or the Red Cross?   The Church is at first to be a spiritual hospital.  That is what Jesus was talking about in Mark 2:17 when He said, “It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick: I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”  We must be a people who are equipped to help sinners – those who have fallen morally, emotionally and spiritually.  Anyone can put a band-aid on a body.  We must become people who learn how to help bring healing to a troubled soul.

Who has fallen in your midst and could really use a friend right now?   Who do you know that has made some poor decisions in the past and needs help getting back on their feet?  If you have never reached out to them, do so today.  Call them.  Email them.  Take them to lunch.  Be a friend and offer to help.  If you have never inquired as to how you can help them, ask yourself why.   The answer may reveal more about you than you care to admit.

And remember… at one point – you were fallen too.

“For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly…But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” – Romans 5:6,8

**************************************

* “Grace is for sinners” is also the name of a powerful book written by Serena Woods, one of my Facebook friends.  Look her up on Facebook or her website (www.graceisforsinners.com) for more information.

What leftovers teach us about ourselves

rodarters

My friend and I took my 6-year-old to the local community carnival yesterday afternoon.  It was a beautiful day, it was down the road, and it had every component of fun: being together, carnival rides, pony rides, petting zoo, face painting, bouncy house, rednecks to watch, free admission, etc.   We had a wonderful time together.   After two hours of standing in lines, riding rides, walking around – I could tell that my son was thirsty.  Really thirsty.   Besides water, I know of no better thirst quencher than Rita’s water ice – a favorite of mine for years since Rita’s began near my home town in Philadelphia, PA.

Since he is unemployed at the moment, I treated him to his favorite flavor, Green Apple.   Moments after the order, our conversation went something like this:

  • Me: “Hey buddy.  How is it?”
  • Him: “Greeeeat!” (said with the same enthusiasm as Tony the Tiger)
  • Me: “Can I have a little taste?”
  • Him: “Um, no thank you.”
  • Me: “Why not?  (There is no reply.  Just a constant shoveling of water ice in his mouth.)
  • Me: “Come on, just one bite.  It looks so good.”
  • Him: “It’s great.  If you wanted one, you should have bought one.”, he says smiling.
  • Me: “I did buy one.  I thought we could share, that’s why I got a medium size!”
  • Him: “Dad, come on – it’s sooo good.   If I have any left at the end, you can have some.”
  • Me: “Gee thanks”, I say with a smirk.
  • Me: “Can I hold your water ice while you go on the next ride?”
  • Him: “Nice try, Dad.”

The truth is, I didn’t really want a taste.  I was thrilled that he was happy and satisfied.  I bought the whole thing for him and just wanted to see his reaction to my question.   As we drove home, I pondered his stingy-ness.  Without me, he wouldn’t even have that water ice.  I don’t think he was pondering anything but water ice and how to keep it out of my reach.

Here is what I realized – painful as it is to admit:

Like most negative traits in a child’s life, they learned it from a parent.  But which one??   Since his mom is more generous than I am, I knew this one was my fault.  But, (I began to rationalize) when do they not see me share?   I feel like I share everything with everyone.  I don’t feel stingy in my heart.   I’m quick to offer what I have to anyone who needs it, especially my children.  Feeling pretty good about my track record of sharing, I had a silent conviction come over me.

  • God: “You don’t share with Me.”
  • Me: “When do I not… nevermind.”

I found myself mentally arguing with God.  I have come to learn this is a futile exercise.  I always lose this discussion as I realize His mountain of evidence against me is a rather quick and embarrassing checkmate.

In every area of my life, God provides for my daily needs and I often refuse to give Him a taste in return.   I’m too interested enjoying the refreshment of His blessing while He wants me to simply acknowledge the Blesser.   I do share well with others – just not Him.  When God provides me with the strength/ability to produce a paycheck, all He asks for is 10% in return.  God doesn’t need my money.  He knows I need to give it.  God doesn’t care that I own the money – He wants to make sure the money doesn’t own me.  And even if I were to consistently tithe my income (give 10% back to the church, charity, etc), He reminded me that I don’t share enough of me with Him.

In the ten minute ride home – God reminded me of my love for my kids.   It wasn’t audible but the impression on my heart was clear:

“Rod, you love being with your kids.  You love hearing their voice, hearing their stories. You love the late night talks, I provide.  You love walking with  them, playing with them.  You love their questions.  You love their thought process.  You love hearing about their joys and helping them through their pains.  You love when they need your help.  You love when they want to sit next to you or hold your hand.  You love watching them while they sleep and watching them as they play.  And as you love all this with them, I love doing all that with you.  You may not withhold certain things from Me, but you often withhold your heart.”

Checkmate.

God wants me to share life with Him, the good and the bad.  The fun and the difficult. And too often, I’m only willing to give Him “whatever is left at the end.”   Like my son’s water ice, there is usually nothing left over at the end.

Rita’s reminded me of something yesterday.   This is why God asks for our first-fruits.  And when we give Him our leftovers – it reveals more about us than we would care to admit.

As we pulled into the driveway, I hear this sweet little voice from the back seat, “Here you go, Daddy“.   Was my son actually going to share with me???    Disappointedly, my son was handing me his empty Rita’s cup and spoon.   He was handing me his trash.

I got the lesson.   First fruits.  No leftovers.  No trash.

“Honor the LORD with your wealth, with the first fruits of ALL your crops..” – Proverbs 3:9  (emphasis mine)

Freeze! Drop that bagel!

rodarters

Every morning I drive my kindergarten age son to school.  Every morning we park  down the street next to 20 other cars and take the short walk into the school, down the hallway to his classroom.  Though I could drop him off in the car line, he prefers the escort and I prefer the company.   Recognizing that life is short and children will not always want their parents around, I enjoy our morning routine.

Every morning, as we walk to the school – we pass by the friendly police officer who stands on the corner making sure none of us is run over by a sleepy driver.   We arrive at the same time, we park in the same place, we nod hello to the same parents.   This scenario is so predictable it is as if we are living out a scene from the movie Groundhog’s Day.

So, you can imagine my surprise when yesterday my son refused to get out of the car.   Running a few minutes behind schedule, he was eating his bagel in the car and had not finished yet.   The conversation went something like this:

  • Me: “Let’s go buddy.  You are going to be late.”
  • Son: “I can’t daddy.  I’m not finished my bagel yet.”
  • Me: “Eat and walk.  You’ll be done before you get to your classroom.”
  • Son: “I can’t, Dad.  The police officer is there.”
  • Me: “The police officer?   So what?”
  • Son: “Dad, you know you can’t eat on the street.  We’ll get in trouble.”

You can’t eat on the street?  I was not familiar with that rule.  Perhaps that law was passed in the middle of the night and I had not gotten word of it yet?   Perhaps there was a crumb ordinance concerning the sidewalk around his school that I was not aware of?  Maybe the police officer had a bad experience with a bagel once?   I could insert a donut joke here, but I respect their position too much.

After a solid five minutes of reasoning, pleading, begging, bribing, negotiating, threatening my son to get out of the car with his bagel – we began our walk to his classroom.    As we got closer to the police officer, my son made sure I was inbetween him and the law.   He also made sure his half eaten bagel was on his far side, out of view.  I couldn’t figure out why he couldn’t have food around the officer.   I had never seen him so nervous while being so innocent.  He was acting like a drug mule crossing the border of Mexico, except the drug was a plain bagel and the border was an elementary school.  I almost wanted to apply for a concealed bagels permit or something for him, to ease his little mind.

We successfully made it past the cop and he finished his bagel and was safely in his classroom.  As I walked past the officer, I smiled – as if I pulled a fast one on him.  I wondered if his trained eye had even seen the bagel.   I laughed as I drove home, wondering what had just happened.  I imagined him telling his classmates an embellished story of how he smuggled a bagel through the no-bagel zone and eluded capture.  Maybe that was my son’s initiation into a nefarious kindergarten school gang?

The whole situation caused me to reflect on how different we all are.   There are those (like my son) who have such a pure heart and conscience that even when they are doing nothing wrong, they feel guilty.   There are others (like me) who could steal candy from a baby and not even think twice about the action.  Babies shouldn’t have candy anyway.

It reminded me of the scene in John chapter 1 when Jesus first met Nathanael.   Within moments of meeting him and gazing into his heart, Jesus declared, “Behold, an Israelite indeed, in whom there is no deceit!”   Jesus didn’t comment on his height.  He didn’t remark on his hair.  He didn’t compliment his robe or fashionable sandals.  He looked at the only thing that mattered, his heart, and saw its purity.

I want that kind of heart.   I want that kind of purity.  I want that kind of conscience.   My son is challenging me, while eating a bagel, to get it.   Until then, I’m going to try to sneak an omelette past the officer tomorrow and see what happens.

“Let us draw near (to God) with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.” – Hebrews 10:22

My children, My weapon

rodarters

Any soldier worth their weight in warfare would never dream of entering the battle without proper weaponry.  It would be foolish to have anyone on the frontlines of battle without sufficient “fire power”.  Think through all the war heroes of the past; Napolean, Washington, MacArthur, etc.  Now think of all the wars they won while hiding in their bunker.  Although defense is an important factor, wars are won when troops go on the offense.  We all understand this truth militaristically.  We even understand the analogy when we carry it over into the sports arena.  The team with the best offense is normally the winning team.  However, very few Christians seem to understand that this truth is applicable in regards to our culture.  I need not remind you that we are in the midst of a culture war.   Our actors, news anchors, musicians, politicians, editors, superintendents, co-workers and neighbors remind us continually.  The question for every Christian parent is “How engaged are you” in this cultural battle for truth and righteousness?   Are you in the fight?   Is your family anywhere near the frontlines?   Sadly, too many Christians (especially parents!) have developed a defensive posture in regards to the culture war.

Jesus was on the offensive.  Find a passage of Scripture where Jesus took a defensive posture.   Locate a verse where He cowered from a confrontational conversation with the Pharisees.  Show me a time where Jesus was timid, shy, quiet, apologetic or “tolerant” of anti-Biblical ideas and opinions.  He appropriately challenged His family (Luke 2:41-52).   He was not afraid to rebuke even His closest friends (Matthew 16:21-23). He consistently stood up to the “preachers” of His day (Matthew 23:1-39).  He defended the integrity of His church with zeal (Matthew 21:12-13).  He did not fear man even if that man had the “authority” to “take” His life (John 19:8-11).   And yet, in all of His boldness, Jesus modeled for us how to assault the culture without sinning in the process (Hebrews 4:15).  Jesus was an appropriately offensive figure, are you?

One way that God commands every Christian parent to assault the culture is via their children.  In Psalm 127:4-5, we learn three important truths about this culture war we are in:

“Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth.   How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; they will not be ashamed when they speak with their enemies in the gate.”

Your children are arrows.  The purpose of an arrow is to defeat the enemy.  Arrows were never created to remain in the quiver.   They were also never meant to be dull.   A dull arrow is simply for appearance and arrows created for appearance only – never win wars.   It is my observation that most parents are more concerned about their arrow’s appearance than they are with their arrow’s sharpness.   Evaluate your weaponry.  What is the spiritual condition of your arrows?   If you have 3 in your quiver, how “sharp” are they?   Could you release them into the culture war with confidence that they would positively impact the culture for Christ?   If you are not able to fully release them yet (due to age), are you working diligently to sharpen them for the day they will be released?   If you think the Christian parent’s goal in life is simply to fill your quiver with no responsibility to sharpen the arrows entrusted in your care, you are not only sadly mistaken but have also done nothing to help the rest of us win this cultural battle.

You are a warrior.  “Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth.”  If the children are the arrows, then the parents are the warriors.  Do you see yourself as a warrior?  Do you act like one?   As a warrior for Christ, what role are you playing in this culture war?   Does the culture of your workplace, local school district, community or city know that if they violate God’s standard, then they are going to have to answer to God’s warrior in these matters?  The culture wages war every day and very few Christian warriors do anything about it.

Sharpened arrows fly with confidence.  “…they will not be ashamed when they speak with their enemies in the gate.”   When you become the warrior God calls you to be and when you (in the power of the Holy Spirit) do all you can to sharpen (equip) them for this cultural battle, the result is confidence.   A sharp arrow released by a true warrior flies with confidence.   A dull arrow released by a coward barely gets off the ground.  Part of the reason Christianity in America is limping today is because too many Christians apologize for their faith instead of defending it.   You try to storm the banks of Normandy with a water gun.   You attempt to defend Fort Sumter with a rubber bullet.  When Christian parents inadequately equip their children to be the arrows that God desires for them to be, we all lose ground.

How sharp are your arrows, warrior?   Could you release them, even today, with confidence that they would make a difference for Christ?

Holy Kiss

rodarters

If you have read the Epistles (letters in the New Testament written by the Apostle Paul), you will find 4 similar verses in 4 different letters:

  • Romans 16:16 – Greet one another with a holy kiss.
  • 1 Corinthians 16:20 – Greet one another with a holy kiss.
  • 2 Corinthians 13:12 – Greet one another with a holy kiss.
  • 1 Thessalonians 5:26 – Greet all the brothers with a holy kiss.

What is this holy kiss anyway? Is this a kissing someone in church? Kissing while holding a Bible? Praying while you kiss? Kissing while you pray? What exactly makes it holy?

Greeting one another with a holy kiss is foreign to us because we are generally not a kissing people.  I mean we kiss our spouses or children or parents or our Italian Uncle or our cousins (That was for my Southern friends).  But for the most part, we don’t usually “pucker up” for our greetings.

So, as this might sound strange to us, Luke 7:40-48 shows how common a greeting a kiss was back in the first century.

“Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house.  You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet.  You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”

As you can see, Jesus rebukes Simon (a member of the leading religious organization called the Pharisees) for not greeting Him with a kiss when He entered his home. From what we know about Jewish culture, the kiss would have been delivered on one or both cheeks. We see this again in Luke 22:47-48 when Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss.  Even today, in that culture – most everyone still greets with a kiss.

So, what do we do with these verses today? If you have never greeted anyone with a holy kiss, have you been sinning?  Yes. I mean, No. I don’t know! Here is what we should take from it.

  1. Greet other believers! I know it sounds elementary but we should make sure we are greeting other believers every opportunity we get. What does it communicate to a non-believing world when they see us greet other believers of different churches, denominations and colors? Though we are different and diverse, our bond is in Christ and that unity just baffles a non-believing world.
  2. Greet your enemies! Jesus makes it clear, “If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? (Matthew 5:47). What does it communicate to your enemies when you greet them, in spite of how they treat you? When you ignore those who persecute you or withhold your greeting from those who bother you, your actions become Gentile-ish, in the eyes of God. Remember, knowing that Judas was about to betray Him unto death, Jesus greeted Judas and allowed a kiss from the ultimate betrayer.
  3. Greet appropriately. If an older person enters the room, respect for their age should cause you to rise to greet them (Leviticus 19:32). While you are greeting, you should always maintain eye contact and smile alot. The use of titles (such as “Mr.¨ or “Mrs.¨ or “Sir¨ and “Ma’am¨ are always appropriate, particularly with those older than you.  The woman’s kiss (in the passage above) was appropriate given Whom she was kissing.
  4. Greet affectionately. If you know the person well (family, close friend, etc) greet them with a holy kiss on the cheek. When they ask what you are doing, simply say “Romans 16:16 baby!¨ and make them wonder what kind of verse that is!   If you know the person more casually, greet them with a holy hug or holy handshake or a holy high five.  If the person is a true enemy, perhaps you should toss them a holy hand grenade.  If you don’t have one, a warm greeting will do.

Regardless of how you greet, be sure that you do.

After all, who wants to disobey the kissing verse?

He also made what ???

rodarters
The Redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

Once a month we have the privilege of witnessing a full moon.  But one day of the year  (this year it was May 6th) – the moon becomes a “supermoon”, the largest full moon of the year.     The moon approached within 222,000 miles of the Earth in what is scientfically known as a perigee-syzgy of the Earth-Moon-Sun system.

  • Perigee = closest point of an elliptical orbit
  • Syzygy = straight line made of three bodies in a gravitational system.

(Yes, I googled that.  No, I don’t want the jock bloggers to give me a whirly in the world wide web toilet bowl after class.)

I gaze at the moon often.  I marvel at it’s size.  Many a night I stop what I’m doing, walk outside and look at it next to its countless neighbors.   As I ponder the giant reflector, I think of how it came to be – spoken into existence by its Creator,

“Let there be lights in the vault of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark sacred times, and days and years, and let them be lights in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth.” And it was so. God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night.  He also made the stars. God set them in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth, to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness.” (Genesis 1:14-18)

Some interesting truths emerge:

  1. This is the second time in the first four days of creation that God created light.  It would appear that God is concerned this His creation is not in the dark, by day or by night.  (Interestingly, His Son would one day arrive to this spiritually dark planet and declare Himself the “Light of the world”.)
  2. Everything man has ever made, we created from existing material.  By contrast, God made “creatio ex nihilo” or “creation out of nothing.”  NO ONE else can do that.  That is just one of the many things that separates a true Creator from His creation.
  3. From God’s divine imagination, He not only created day & night, light and darkness but also instantly produced the framework of seasons and the boundary of time.
  4. “And it was so.”   There was no discussion. There was no hesitation.  There was no committee in Vatican City to decide if the idea would have enough votes to pass.  God thought it, spoke it and it was so.  Impressive execution.
  5. “He also made the stars.”   This is one of my favorite verses in all of Scripture.  God had just created the sun and the moon and the intense light that is emmitted (or reflected).   Immediately after this, we learn that “He also made the stars.”  As if God was adding a side dish to His culinary creation… “Oh yeah, by the way – I’m not sure if you noticed or not – but I also made the stars.”   Today, several thousands of years after the creation account was recorded, we have a tiny idea on just how many stars He made:

As of April 2006, we have discovered 9 stars (like the sun) in our galaxy (the Milky Way) and 185 orbiting other stars.  Beyond that, we know there are about 400 billion stars in our galaxy alone.  If each of them have the same number of planets (on average) as our own sun, then that’s about 4 trillion planets in our own galaxy alone.  Multiply that by an estimated 125 billion galaxies in the universe and you can see just how impressive that sentence is: “He made the stars also.”   Wow!

  • As if the sheer volume of stars is not impressive enough, God’s personal nature is revealed in Psalm 147:4 where it says that “He counts the number of the stars; He gives names to all of them”.  

Though the sun is essential and the stars are impressive, the moon is an absolutely brilliant idea.  I mean, how can He create an environment on the planet conducive to sleep (an essential need for us) and yet at the same time, allow us (and the rest of creation) the ability to safely work/eat/move around at night, when needed?   The moon is the perfect solution.  The giant nightlight provides the light we need, while maintaining the necessary degree of darkness without the presence of heat.   Absolutely brilliant.

Besides the light factor, it is also critical for 3 other reasons:

  1. Most importantly, it keeps the earth from noticeably wobbling.  Because the earth is tilted at 23 1/2 degrees, it would be very unstable unless the moon helped balance its axis of rotation.
  2. The moon creates tides that help many animals during their breeding cycles.
  3. The moon’s light at night allows animals to see so they can hunt for food and stay away from danger.

At the end of each day of creation, God sat back and looked over His work.  At the end of each day, He made the same observation, “And God saw that it was good.”

I’m glad He does good work.  It would be hard to write this blog (or do anything else) on a wobbly earth.

Parenting in the technological age

rodarters

(This was originally published in Columbia Living – “The Premier Lifestyle Magazine of Columbia South Carolina”, July/August 2011)

With every generation, raising children takes on new challenges never before seen by parents. Think about how parenting has changed through the ages. Before the invention of the light bulb, kids were “in” by dark. Now, they can stay out late and see all night. Before the automobile was invented, children had to walk or take the family horse. Now, they are able to travel hundreds of miles in just a few hours. Before the invention of television, kids were outside all the time. Now, there are enough channels in the basic cable package to entertain them 24 hours a day, literally. Before the invention of the internet, kids had to go to the library for hours to do research. Today, with a few clicks from home and they can find what they want in minutes. It used to be that parents had to set a geographical boundary and curfew for their children to obey. In this day and age, those boundaries are primarily online. “Don’t go past that landmark” has now been replaced with “Don’t go to that website”.

Like it or not, we are in the Zenith of the technological age and it seems that parenting has to morph just as rapidly as the technologies that are created. Just in the last 15 years, parents have had to address the following technological bombardments: MP3’s, iPods, YouTube, MySpace, Twitter, Facebook, Nook, Kindle, instant messaging, web cams, cell phones, texting, Xbox, DVR, TiVo, etc. To an older ear, some of those terms can bring confusion. To an “old-timer”, YouTube can sound like your toothpaste. Isn’t Kindle something you do to a fire? Should the trend continue parents will have to address and adapt to even more technology in order to stay current and communicate with their children. So, how do you do it? How does a parent stay informed, connected and even communicate with their children in such an age?

  • Get educated. Listen to your children and you will learn a lot. They will talk about the latest technology, how they use it or how they want to use it. Ask questions. Get online and “google” to find answers. Go to the store and talk to the employees. Knowledge is power and too often parents are powerless simply because they don’t even know what they don’t know.
  • Get online. If your kids are on Facebook, you need a Facebook account. If your kids use Twitter, you need to have a Twitter account and “subscribe” to it. If your child plays Xbox, you need to at least be familiar with the game and how it’s played. If your child likes to text message, you need to learn how to do it. Nothing can distance a parent quicker than not understanding their child’s world. There is already a great chasm between a child and his “old man”. You being online and trying to interact with your child can help bridge that gap a bit. It does not mean you have to “like” everything your child “posts”. It does not mean you have to “tag” every photo your child is in. It just means you have to be “nearby” online. Isn’t that the heart of parenting anyway – being “near” your children? (By the way, if you aren’t familiar with the phrases “Twitter”, “subscribe”, “like”, “tag” and “posts” you are officially out of touch and need this article more than you realize.)
  • Do not over react. Remember, technology is not the problem. It’s the use or abuse of it that can be the problem. Just because you heard a story about some kid in some mid-western state that abused MySpace does not mean that your child will do the same. Just because other teenagers are “sexting” (sending naked pictures of themselves via text) does not mean yours is or will. When you hear stories of how technology is being abused, talk it through with your kids. Make sure they understand the pitfalls and realize the consequences are real when technology is abused. Just as you would warn them of the dangers of driving, you too need to make sure they understand the dangers online or with various technologies.
  • Do not be too trusting. While overreacting can be a problem, so can too much trust. Just because you have a “good” child, does not mean he/she cannot get in trouble with certain technology. Children, particularly teenagers, are still developing portions of their brain. The common sense and rational portions are still a work in progress. These factors combined with the influence of friends and the ease of access to technology can cause them to go down a road you never dreamed they would. Education will help you know what’s out there and what the dangers are. Knowing your child and maintaining an open, close relationship with them will help you keep access as to how they are handling emerging technology. If you are concerned that your child is doing some things online that are inappropriate or destructive, there are accountability websites and keystroke logging software available to help.
  • Know their friends. How well do you know their friends? Are they in your home often? Are you creating opportunities where you can interact with them? Are you placing yourself in proximity (even online) to see, hear or read what is going on in their world? Who do they email or text regularly? If you do not know their closest friends, you do not know who is influencing them, positively and negatively.
  • Communicate with other parents. You would be surprised what you can learn in this regard. All parents like to talk about their kids. Ask them questions. Share your struggles. You will not only realize you have similar parenting issues but some of them may have some good suggestions as to how they handle it.
  • Get passwords. This is a controversial suggestion but one that I firmly believe can make a huge difference in the protection of your child. Having a child’s password gives you access to their online world. If they argue about giving it to you, that’s probably a good indication they are probably doing or saying something they shouldn’t be. It doesn’t mean you have to read their mail, but if you wanted to – you could. Some would be quick to say, “Isn’t that an invasion of their privacy?” If you are financing any aspect of their life, you have the right to see what they are involved in. Obtaining an online password is just like doing a random drug test. Privacy is an earned freedom after a proven track record of wise behavior. The more responsible your child is and proves to be, the more freedoms he/she should be given.
  • Be yourself. You will never be as “cool” as your kids. The only way you will be “hip” again is when you get yours replaced. Don’t try to be their “BFF”, just be their parent who cares enough to try and engage them on their turf. Don’t comment on every picture they post or “like” every status update. Don’t respond to every Tweet or try to get in on every chat. Be yourself. After all, you are the only parent they have. Do not trade down your elite position by trying to be their friend. They have enough of those.
  • Get outside. Remember when we were kids we had things like trees, parks, museums, sporting events, zoos, books and sunshine? Oh wait, we still have those things. Though technology is playing an ever increasing role in our world, it is important that we still find ways to get our children offline, outside and being active. They might not be interested or good at sports but it is important that you encourage activities that don’t require a broadband internet connection. Wii sports is great but it’s not the same as being outdoors.

My teenage son (like most) enjoys playing Xbox. So, I created an account and now play with him when I can. The truth is, I stink. I lose every race and get killed first in every game we play. Unfortunately for me, this will never change. Fortunately, what my son will remember is that I tried and that we are spending time together. Would I rather throw a Frisbee with him? Yes. But the point is we are “together” and as a dear friend has reminded me over the years, “Together is better”. Last week, I received a text message from my 12 year old daughter asking me for a drink. She sent it from the living room, twenty feet from the fridge. I sent her a picture of Orange Juice. My daughter learned that there is still a benefit to face to face interaction with her Dad.