Author: rodarters

How to help a hurting friend

rodarters

I have a close friend of mine who is hurting. Really hurting.  In fact, I seem to have several friends that are struggling on different levels.  Some are struggling physically with an ailment or a disease.  Many are struggling financially.  Most are struggling emotionally.   When times are hard, people are hurting.

When I think about someone who understands how painful life can be, I think of the biblical character named Job.   In the book that bears his name, we are told that Job was the “greatest of all the men of the east.”   He is married with ten children, extremely wealthy and described as “blameless, upright, fearing God and turning away from evil.”   By all accounts, Job is a good man living a blessed life.   That is, until the sixth verse of chapter one when everything changes.

God initiated a conversation with Satan about Job and his many unique attributes, mentioned above.  Satan, being the accuser he is, argued that the only reason Job was “good” was because God was blessing him.  Take away the blessings (wealth & health) and Job would cease to be good.  To prove him wrong, God allows Satan to do whatever he wants to His servant, Job so long as he spares Job’s life.   What happens next is truly unbelievable.   Within a matter of minutes, Satan orchestrates four “freak accidents” that end up taking the lives of all his children and causing him to go bankrupt overnight.   To make matters worse, Satan eventually afflicts Job with painful boils all over his body, “from the sole of his foot to the crown of his head.”  To relieve the suffering, Job “took a potsherd (broken piece of pottery) to scrape himself while he was sitting among the ashes.”  

Job went from being the greatest man in all the east to being the most miserable – in less than an hour.   On our worst day, none of us have ever had to endure such tragedy and pain.  Even Job’s wife encouraged him to “curse God and die.”   Nice comforting words from someone who is supposed to be your closest earthly friend. 

Job is now alone.   All his children are dead.  All their homes are destroyed.  All his livestock (and therefore his business) are gone.  He no longer has the support of his wife.  As a sign of mourning, he tore his robe, shaved his head and is now sitting in a pile of ashes.  And if that is not enough – he is in excruciating pain trying to deal with bloody, open wounds on his entire body.    Imagine the physical and emotional pain.  Imagine the loss!  Job is unaware that all of this is occurring because of an invisible divine dialogue.   All Job knows is he is hurting and struggling for hope.  Even in the midst of this, Job does not lose his faith in God.

Enter Job’s three friends; Eliphaz, Bildad & Zophar.  What these three men do is leave an example for us of what to do (chapter 2) and what not to do (chapters 4 to 37) when someone is hurting.   The passage is in italics.  The lessons are in bold.

Oil painting by Ilya Yefimovich-Repin – 1869

Job 2:11 – “When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him.”

Lesson #1: The friends went to Job as soon as they heard he was hurting.  Do you do that?  Job’s friends did not wait for Job to be in a position to call for help.  Oftentimes, the people who are hurting can’t reach out for help.  The pain is too deep and the wounds are too sensitive.  They need for us to come to them.  Job’s friends went to Job.  Are you THAT kind of friend? 

Lesson #2: Their initial goal was sympathy and comfort, not advice.  Job did not need advice.  He did not need a sermon.  He did not need anyone to tell him why they thought God was allowing this.  He simply needed someone to be with him during his darkest hour offering silent support.  When his friends opened their mouth (chapters 4 to 37), Job lost his comfort and wavered in his faith.

Job 2:12 – “When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads.”

Lesson #3: Job’s friends did not lose their kids.  His friends did not lose their jobs.  They were not in physical torment.   And yet, they joined Job in his suffering and communicated their solidarity with him.  If Job’s heart was breaking, so was theirs.   How well do you identify with the suffering of your friends – even if you have never experienced what they are going through?  Romans 12:15 says to “rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.”  The goal is to be compassionate and empathetic, regardless of someone’s situation.  Are you THAT kind of friend?

Job 2:13 – “Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights.   No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.”

Lesson #4: Job’s friends got on Job’s level and stayed with him for as long as they could.  The lesson is not where we physically sit.  The lesson is not staying for a week after each tragedy.  The principle is getting on the same level as your hurting friend and seeing them through the pain completely.   Throughout the Bible, the number seven is a number of completion.  It’s not the seven days that is important, it’s the fact that Job’s friends were communicating – “We are here for the long haul, Job.  We are here for you – regardless of how long this takes.”  Anyone can offer initial support.  Anyone can send a card or give a few bucks to assist.  But are you the “I will sit with you until your pain is relieved” type of friend?  When lives fall apart, it can get real messy.  It’s not easy loving a hurting friend.  Are you THAT kind of friend?

An update and a word of thanks…

(Three years ago, my world came crashing down.  In a matter of months, I lost virtually everything dear to me.  In those early days, there were only three things that kept me going; my faith in Christ, my family and a few close friends.  Though I had hundreds of friends, only a handful took the initiative to come to me, cry with me, “tear their robes” and stay until the situation improved.  A special thank you to my family and the following friends: Mike, Brady, Brian, Jonathan, Ken, Wendy, David & Ginger, Dawson & Kasey.  Without you, I would not have made it off my ash-heap.)

I am on my way to become WD-40

rodarters

No one likes to fail.  In fact, most of us do whatever we can to avoid it at all costs.   Winning feels good.  Losing is awful.

I love hearing stories of average people who failed over and over again prior to becoming “great”.

In the library of my Alma Mater there was a study room that I reserved weekly.  On all the walls and under a locked glass cabinet were some of the orginal letters and inventions of Thomas Edison.  During study breaks I would read and re-read the letters.  I would marvel at the pieces of history that changed our world.  I was able to study at night because of this man.  It is reported that Edison failed thousands of times  before he successfully created a working light bulb!  Thousands!!

Did you know…

  • Henry Ford went bankrupt five times before he successfully founded the Ford Motor Company and changed the auto industry forever.
  • R.H. Macy started seven failed businesses before finally becoming profitable with the department store that bears his name.
  • An engineer was turned down for a job by the Toyota Motor Corporation.  Discouraged, he began making scooters of his own at home eventually turning it into a billion dollar business.  His name?  Soichiro Honda.
  • Walt Disney was once fired by a newspaper editor because “he lacked imagination and had no good ideas.”  Imagine that?
  • Oprah Winfrey was fired from her job as a television reporter because she was “unfit for tv.”
  • 27 different publishers rejected a children’s book entitled, To Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street.   The 28th publisher offered a contract and Theodor S. Giesel became a world renowned author.  You know him today as Dr. Seuss.
  • A recording company refused to sign on a new band named “The Beatles”.  They were told “we don’t like your sound, and guitar music is on the way out.”
  • Everyone knows Babe Ruth as a homerun king with 714 during his career.  Most do not realize that he also held the strikeout record for decades (1,330 in all).
  • One of the most powerful stories of failure comes from our 16th President, Abraham Lincoln.  He failed as a businessman and went bankrupt.  (It took him 17 years to repay that debt)  He failed as a farmer. He failed in his first attempt to obtain political office. He failed to get elected to Congress – TWICE.  He failed when he ran for the United States Senate – TWICE. He failed the nomination for the vice-presidency in 1856 (He received less than 100 votes). In the midst of all of these failures, his fiancee died and he suffered a total nervous breakdown, keeping him bedridden for 6 months. If anyone is acquainted with failure, it is Lincoln.  If anyone had a good excuse to give up, Abe did.  But he didn’t and as a result, he played an instrumental role in ending the war on slavery.

In 2012, when you hear the name Lincoln – you think success.  But if you heard that name in 1856, a different image would have emerged.   When you hear the name Ford, Oprah, Disney, Beattles, or Jordan – you think success.  But there was a time when their name was not synonymous with that.

What about your name?   Do others think “success” when they hear your name mentioned?  If not, it’s ok because your story is not finished yet.  Your success story may come tomorrow.  Or it may come four more failures from now.  Your only mission is to never give up.

The next time you are rejected, think of Lincoln.  The next time you are fired from a job, think of Oprah.  The next time your resume is overlooked, think of Honda.   The next time you are told you are not good enough, think of Jordan.  The next time you strike out with anything, think of Babe Ruth.   He walked away from home plate over 1,300 times – failing to get on base yet again.

I was doing a home improvement project recently and came across a nut I could not get unscrewed.  Though I tried and tried with my wrench, this little nut would not come undone.  I knew I needed some help to get it loosened and I knew of nothing better to use than some WD-40.   I learned that WD stands for water displacement.  The number 40, it turns out, stands for the number of tries it took for the product to become successful.   It is not known as WD-39 for a reason.

Today your name may be WD-39.    Or your critics may call you WD-5.   Your parents may think you are WD-16.   Even your spouse or children might think you are a mere WD-9.   Stop listening to those voices.  You have a mission and a passion and a calling and a dream and you need to go after it.  Don’t stop till you reach your goal.  The only difference between a dream and a goal?   A deadline.  Set a deadline for yourself and watch what happens.

“I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot, and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” – Michael Jordan

Wonder Faith = Faith that makes you wonder.

rodarters

I was talking with a friend recently and he was describing a friend of ours as a “man of faith.”   I thought about that description and agreed, it was true.  But the more I thought about it the more I realized we are all people of faith.  Christians have faith in God.  Muslims have faith in Allah.  Miami has faith in Lebron.  Children have faith in their parents.  Even an athiest has faith…in himself.   Everyone has faith in someone or something.   Everyday we place our trust somewhere; people, chairs, vehicles, banks, dead-bolt locks, etc.   The question is not whether we have faith.  The real question is where do we place it?

God simplifies the discussion of faith.  From His perspective, you either have faith in Him (the Creator) or faith in His creation.  There is no middle ground.  Throughout the Bible, God calls His people to trust Him.   Throughout the Bible, they don’t.

Last summer my five year old and I were enjoying some time in the pool.   While he was standing on the side, I asked him to jump to me in the four foot section.  He refused.  I told him he was safe.  He refused.  I told him that I would catch him.  He refused.  I told him I would not let his head go under.  He refused.  I told him that the little girl over there does it all the time.  He refused.  I told him I would give him $1.00.  He refused.  I told him it would be fun.  He refused.  NOTHING I tried would convince him to do it.  Though he would not articulate it like this, it was obvious why he did not jump.  He simply did not trust me.   I was very frustrated, since I know my abilities.  I was also kind of hurt.  And then it hit me.   Every day, we communicate the same thing to God.

  • When we don’t tithe, we are telling Him we do not trust Him with our finances.
  • When we date people we shouldn’t, we are telling Him we do not trust Him with our relationships.
  • When we take revenge, we are telling Him we do not trust Him to handle the situation.
  • When we steal, we are telling Him we do not trust Him to provide.
  • When we indulge in our addictive behaviors, we are telling Him that we do not trust Him to handle our problems.

Throughout the Bible, God is constantly challenging us to trust Him.  Twice Jesus is recorded as being moved by our faith.

  1. In the first passage (Matthew 8), Jesus witnesses the faith of a Roman Centurion and is stunned by what He sees.   A Roman Centurion would NOT be someone anyone in Palestine would call a “man of faith.”   And yet, he was.   Instead of his faith being placed in Caesar, this centurion trusted Christ to heal his servant.   And Jesus noticed.  He always notices when our faith is placed in the right direction.   “Now when Jesus heard (the centurion’s faith), He marveled and said to those who were following, “Truly I say to you, I have not found such great faith with anyone in Israel.”   (Apparently the faith of this pagan centurion was greater than the faith of His disciples Peter, James & John.  That would make me marvel too.)
  2. In Mark 6, Jesus is spending time in His hometown of Nazareth.   While He was there, a discussion breaks out over His true identity.  “Is not this the carpenter, the son of Mary, and brother of James?”, they asked.  “Where did this man get these things“, they wondered.   Yes, He was a man.  But He was also God and those closest to Him couldn’t see it.   We are told that Jesus did not perform any miracles there.   As was His custom, He would never do a miracle for people who did not trust Him.  After all, He was not a dog and pony show.  He would not “throw His pearls before swine.”  Before He left HIS backyard, “He wondered at their unbelief.”

When God looks at my life, would my faith make Him marvel or just make Him wonder?   There are some areas of my life that I trust God alot.  If I am honest, there are other areas where I don’t trust Him at all.  It’s ludicrous, if you think about it.   I stand on the edge of His pool and I refuse to jump in.   I cling to all my worthless excuses as if they are legitimate.  I know He is able to catch me.  I know He has my best interests in mind.  I know that I won’t drown.  I know I would enjoy “life more abundantly” (John 10:10) if I took that leap of faith.  But I don’t.  I stand by the edge, even for years, wondering what would it be like to swim in His ocean of faith.

Where are you in relation to His pool?   Are you on the side of the pool as well?   What is He calling you to do?  Break up with that boyfriend?  Quit your job?  Start that business?  Make that phone call?  Write that letter?   Forgive that person?  Love that man?  Embrace your past?   Move to that state?  Marry that girl?  Give that money?  Go on that mission trip?  Downsize your house?   Pray that prayer?  Go to seminary?  Quit that habit?   Join that church?

Put simply, we either trust Him or we don’t.   He can marvel at our faith or wonder why we won’t trust Him.   There is no middle ground.  We are either standing on the edge or we are swimming in the pool.   I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of being dry.

In my Bible, I have the following poem taped on the inside cover.  It is a constant reminder to me to trust God with my future:

“I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year, “Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.”  And he replied, “Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God.  That shall be to you better than the light and safer than the known!”  So I went forth and finding the hand of God, trod gladly into the night.” – M. Louise Haskins

If you were to count every verse in the Bible and determine the exact middle verse – it would be this one: Psalm 118:8.   At the very center of His word, this is God’s message to us:

“It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.”

The church search

rodarters

I have been looking for a new church to attend.  It’s been quite the experience.   Though I have attended church all of my life, I find myself looking at the whole church search through a different set of lenses these days.  Whether it’s been the conservative Presbyterian church, the big Baptist church, the liberal Methodist church, the ultra-traditional Greek Orthodox church or the casually dressed “pastor on a screen” church – here are some random thoughts on my experience the last several months:

  • THE VISITOR PARKING SPACE.   This is great.  For anyone new to the church, it really makes it easy to know where to park.   Good job to the churches that have it.  What’s sad is that most of the time, I’m the only car in that spot on Sunday.   Minutes later, I realize why.
  • THE PARKING LOT GREETERS.   Some churches have men in orange vests directing you into the church parking lot like you would at a professional sporting event.  I’m waiting for them to charge me $10 to park.  Other churches don’t have anyone in the parking lot looking to help you.  I guess those churches don’t care whether you make it inside.  Or maybe they assume you’ll find the door, just like you would at the mall.  Personally, I like the greeters in the parking lot.  Who doesn’t want to be greeted with a friendly face as you enter a strange environment?
  • THE AT-THE-DOOR GREETERS.   Some churches have people stationed at the door to greet you.  They are generally pretty friendly.  Others let you get the door yourself.  Some have people ready to hand you a bulletin of some sort.  Other churches assume you are illiterate and just hope you listen real well.   Some in the front lobby actually approach you and try to make you feel welcome.  Others avoid you like the invisible person you are.  Most people do care that you are there, except for when they are ignoring you.   Kudos to the churches that have someone at the doors to greet.  If somehow you missed the greeting sniper in the parking lot, these door bouncers are sure to get you.
  • THE STAND-UP-AND-GREET SOMEONE NEAR YOU IN THE PEW.   Some churches, in the middle of their service, ask everyone to walk around and greet someone near you.  I find this aspect very disconcerting.  What should I say, (“May the force be with you?”)  How much time is allotted?  Am I greeting someone who just got over the flu?   Do I tell them my name only or my last big sin?  No matter how you slice it, it’s just an awkward time for visitors.  Can you imagine if, during the 7th inning stretch, the ballpark announcer asked you to leave your seat and greet someone you don’t know?  I mean, the mall doesn’t ask you to suspend shopping to greet nearby shoppers.  The grocery store does not ask you to bump carts with the nearest person and share recipes.   The reason churches do this, I think, is to make it easier on its members from actually doing the hard work of greeting someone new.  One Sunday, I did get hugged by three stranger women.  Granted, they were all over the age of seventy but hey, a hug is a hug.
  • THE OFFERING PLATE.   This is always an interesting dilemma for a visitor.  To give or not to give, that is the question.  It feels like a free car wash, without the soapy water.  If you do give, you feel super spiritual for putting something in the plate like all the saints around you.  If you do not give, you actually feel like the cheap sinner you are and NOW everyone else knows it.  You know the people near you are thinking, “Jeez, I bet he doesn’t even pay for his car wash either.”  
  • THE MUSIC.   For the contemporary churches – “deafening” is the new volume, it seems.   I thought it was loud because I am over 40 and all those years of rock concerts made me hard of hearing.   Nope.  When I took my six-year-old, he spent the entire service with the “hear no evil” posture.  It’s amusing to watch the reaction of people who think my son is boycotting church music.  I try to tell them that he’s just trying to stop the bleeding.  It’s futile.  They can’t hear me.  It’s often so loud that I can’t hear myself sing… so I don’t.  The musicians look at me and wonder why I’m not singing.  I think they’re offended.  It’s just hard to sing when the sound barrier is broken in my face.  They do provide free earplugs, which is nice.  Apparently, you shouldn’t wear them during the sermon.
  • THE SERMON.   Very interesting to see the different styles of preaching at each church.  One preacher taught through a passage of Scripture – verse by verse using illustrations.   Well done.  One pastor had the Bible in his hand the entire sermon but never opened it.  He told lots of stories and summarized the Bible’s teaching.  One man used a bunch of props and videos.  Very entertaining but I’m not sure what his point was.  I’m not sure he knew either.  Though the sanctuary was filled with a bunch of adults, one evangelist told a bunch of junior high style jokes like a comedian.   The only difference, he wasn’t funny.

You will never find a perfect church or a perfect church service.  18th century British pastor, Charles Spurgeon remarked, “The day we find the perfect church, it becomes imperfect the moment we join it.”   C.S. Lewis wrote, “The perfect church service would be one we were almost unaware of.  Our attention would have been on God.”  

A special word to my NON-CHURCH friends:   Go to church.  This Sunday.  Pick one and go.  If you don’t like the church you grew up with, pick another one.   Just as all food in the grocery store is not the same in content, quality or nutrition – so is the church.   Not every church teaches the Truth, as found in the Bible.  Not every church loves sinners, or even visitors for that matter – so find one that does.  But know this – just because people go to church or dress nicely does not mean they have their act together.  Most of them don’t.  You’ll fit right in.  Yes, the church is filled with hypocrites.  But don’t use that lame smoke-screen excuse to keep you from entering.  As preacher Billy Sunday once noted, “Hypocrites in the Church?  Yes, and they are in the lodge and in your home. Don’t hunt through the Church for a hypocrite. Go home and look in the mirror.  Hypocrites? Yes.  See that you make the number one less.” 

A special word to my CHURCH friends.   Look for visitors at your church.  Seek them out.  Greet them before you are told to by the pastor.  Find them in the parking lot and open the doors for them.  Some of them left their church and are looking for a new place to connect.  Others haven’t been in church in years and really need a word from God in these hard times.  You just never know if the person or family that just entered is going through a rough time in their life and needs a new Christian friend.  Some have messy lives.  Some are divorced or struggling with an addiction or just got out of prison.  They might smoke or drink or curse or look at porn.  Love them anyway.  They may not be in church because they feel unworthy to walk in.   Perhaps this Sunday they mustered up the courage to finally enter.  Let them find in you a compassionate person with a friendly demeanor.

Remember, you are simply a church beggar telling a visiting beggar where to find Bread.

The Amish fragrance

rodarters

Forgiveness is a tricky thing.  Everyone wants it when they need it.  Few want to give it when they should.

It’s like opening a door for someone.  We always want it done for us.   But it’s really a pain and inconvenient to do it for someone else.   I’ve noticed that we barely hold doors for each other anymore.   If we cannot even tolerate doing that simple physical act, it should not surprise us that so few are willing to do the heavy lifting of the emotionally exhausting task of forgiving someone who hurt us.  We have a deficiency of forgiveness in our world and it is fracturing our families, friendships and culture.  Why is forgiveness so difficult to practice in our daily lives?  I have at least three theories:

  1. One reason that forgiveness is so rare is because of our lack of examples.   Forgiveness is not what is modeled in Hollywood from our action heroes.  Revenge sells, forgiveness does not.  It is not sung about by our favorite musicians.  Sex sells, forgiveness does not.  It is not written about by the New York Times best sellers.  Vampires sell, forgiveness does not.  It is not mentioned in our daily evening news program.  Murders sell, forgiveness does not.   Like the story of a man who returns a lost wallet, the only reason it is newsworthy and memorable is because so few do it.  It may be preached about from an occasional pulpit but it is rarely lived out consistently in the pew.  And sadly, it is rarely exercised in our homes.   Parents yelling at each other.  Kids fighting.  Mean words.  Hurtful behavior.  Snide remarks.  Sarcastic comments.  The silent treatment.   And that is from the people we love.  The concept of forgiving an enemy is almost laughable if we cannot even forgive our friends.  Like it or not, forgiveness is more caught than taught.  We forgive because we were forgiven.
  2. Another reason forgiveness is so rare is because it is so hard.  In fact, it may be the hardest thing you ever have to do.  It is simply easier to walk away than it is to face and address the cause of our pain.  Logically, this makes sense. From our earliest memory, we have been taught and conditioned to avoid pain.   The first word I ever learned was “hot”.  Apparently the stove was an attraction to me as a child.  I’m not suggesting that we should be sadistic and pursue pain or to see how long we can tolerate it.  I am not saying that people need to endure or remain in an abusive situation.  But I am suggesting that perhaps we need to build up a stronger threshold to some pain and learn how to address it, particularly in regards to forgiving others.  Face it, we are a soft culture.  We are warriors in the virtual world and cowards in the real one.  We would rather work out physically than produce one drop of sweat emotionally.   Instead of having a thick skin around a soft heart, our thin skin barely covers a hard heart.  We love to dish it out but so few can take it.
  3. Lastly, most people cannot get past the offense.   Forgiveness is nearly impossible when you only focus on the offense.  In other words, if my focus is only on the offense done to me, I’ll never get to the point of forgiving the offender.   The wrong, no matter how wrong, should always remind us of the wrong that lives in us.  The pain we receive, no matter how painful, should always remind us of how capable we are of inflicting pain on others.  When viewed in that context, it should make us a bit more sympathetic to the offender and a bit more empathetic to forgive.   The problem is we are normally blinded by the wrong and too overwhelmed by the pain to stop and remember – someone else has been hurt by us.

When I think of the topic of forgiveness, I am often reminded of the grisly events of October 2, 2006 in Lancaster, PA.  A gunman entered an Amish schoolhouse, barricaded the door and shot ten girls (aged 6-13) execution style, leaving five dead.  He then killed himself.  The harmless Amish community were shocked at what had happened.  Such brutality.  Such innocence lost.   Such evil.   How would you respond to such a senseless crime?  What would you do if that was your daughter or granddaughter?   Your sister?  Your niece?   What the Amish did that day was supernatural.  They set for us an amazing example.

On the day of the shooting, a grandfather of one of the murdered Amish girls was heard warning some young relatives not to hate the killer, saying, “We must not think evil of this man.”  Another Amish father noted, “I don’t think there’s anybody here that wants to do anything but forgive and not only reach out to those who have suffered a loss in that way but to reach out to the family of the man who committed these acts.”   Days later, the Amish set up a charitable fund for the family of the shooter.  30 Amish members attended the gunman’s funeral.

Has any offense been done to YOU that is worse than this?   Was your first reaction to forgive?  Were you in a position of emotional strength to forgive ON THE DAY of the offense?  Did you reach out to the offender or their family?   Remember, hurt people hurt people.   You aren’t the only one in pain here.

Un-forgiveness and bitterness are a cancer that only forgiveness can cure.   Holding a grudge only holds you.  Every offense brings a terrible odor to that relationship.  At that point, only the offended can change that smell.   Adding un-forgiveness to the offense is like spraying a skunk with manure.   Someone has to fix the stench and the offended party is the only one in a position to do it.   Mark Twain understood this when he wrote, “Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”  

If you’re honest, there is probably a person out there you need to forgive.   Forgiveness does not excuse the wrong.  Forgiveness does not minimize the crime.  Forgiveness does not reduce the consequences.  But forgiveness does something that avoidance or prison cannot – it can bring healing and restoration to you, the offender and even that relationship.

I don’t want to raise any barns.  I’m not interested in churning any butter or even wearing black outfits for the rest of my life.  I prefer six horsepowers over one with a buggy.  The Amish may not use electricity.   They don’t know how to use a toaster or even surf the web.   But they understand how to forgive, not just with their lips – but even with their life.

The Amish can teach all of us sophisticated people a lesson or two.

“Like” me!!

rodarters

I have a confession to make.  I like being liked.  I like when others like the things that I like.  I like the “like” button on Facebook and use it often.  I like things so often I make a Valley girl, like totally embarrassed.

I find myself uploading a photo on Facebook and waiting for someone (anyone!) to “like” it.   I’ll enter some semi-creative status update and hope that someone comments on it, somehow making my post more relevant.  Or I’ll write a post to my blog and see how many “hits” I receive throughout the day.  (This morning I had 30 visits to my blog before I even woke up!) I like to see what countries are reading my blog.  (Someone from Singapore read it today).   I am embarrassed to admit how delighted I am when someone “likes” a comment of mine on a friend’s page.   In some messed up insecure way, my online self-worth is directly related to the number of times you select the “thumbs up” button or comment on my cyber presence.  It should not surprise you that one of my favorite sights is below.   It is the calculator of how many times someone liked me since the last time I signed online to check, eight minutes ago.

I fully realize that being “liked” online is performance driven.  The more I say, the more I am liked.  The more stuff I write, the more pictures I post – the more opportunities I give others to “like” me, thus increasing my cyber net worth.

What is happening to me???  What have I become?  I feel like I am back in grade school, receiving a gold star on my drawing.  Or flashing back to 7th grade gym glass after being picked by the team captain in a game of kickball.   I LIKE the feeling of being LIKED.

But did you know that God likes you?  I mean, He really likes you. When God thinks of you, He smiles.   If you were to draw God a picture, He would put it on His fridge.   If God had a wallet, your picture would be in it.   If God had a lap, He’d want you to sit in it and tell Him about your day.  He loves hearing your voice, particularly when you are using it to talk with Him.  And I think it makes Him smile big when He hears you laughing.   He doesn’t love you more when you say your prayers.  He doesn’t like you less when you lose your temper.

Honestly, I don’t often think of God in this way.  I sometimes picture Him as an angry God who is out to get me for the bad thing I did today.  He is the sniper God looking to “take me out” after each sin.   Or maybe He is more like the absentee God who really doesn’t care what I’m doing or who I am with down here.   I figure He really likes me when I’m good and He hates me even more when I’m bad.

But then I remember… my kids.

When I look at my children, I smile.  I really like them.  When my kids draw me a picture, I put it on my fridge.  Their pictures are in my wallet and on my phone for daily viewing.  When they are near, I love to get them close and hear about their day.   I love hearing them talk – particularly to me.  It makes me smile big when I hear them laughing.  I don’t like them more when they get along with each other.  I don’t love them less when they do bad things.  I love them simply because they are mine.

I am their loving Daddy.  They are my beautiful children.  I stare at them when they are sleeping.   I think about them during the day.  I give them whatever I have.  I serve them constantly.  I provide for them in every way I know how.  I would protect them from the fiercest attack.  I would help them at any hour.   I do my very best to teach them everything I know.  And there is no corner of the earth that they could go where I would not follow.  There is no crime they could commit that I would not forgive.  And if I needed to, I would die for them without hesitation. That is what I think about my kids.

THAT is how God thinks of us.

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” – Romans 8:38-39

******* SHAMELESS PLUG *******

“Like” me on Facebook: “Rod Arters, Writer”     ALSO…

If you haven’t heard of Curt Cloninger, you need to check him out.  Curt is a gifted actor who does an amazing presentation called “God views”, a humorous look at 5 different ways we view God.  Here is Curt playing God as “Party Host on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aV7c70l54i4

For more about his ministry, visit him at: www.curtcloninger.com or on Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/?ref=tn_tnmn#!/curt.cloninger

Road Grace

rodarters

People fascinate me.   What they do.  What they say.  What they wear.  People watching is one of my favorite past-times.  I particularly enjoy this activity at an airport for two reasons.  First, you get to see the widest selection of people in one place AND secondly, it means I’m going somewhere exciting.

I find myself distracted by this hobby even at the grocery store.  Grocery shopping already takes me too long but add the people watching, and I’m there all night.  I’m curious as to why that man wears colored socks with sandals.  I wonder why that woman thinks it’s appropriate to wear that skirt… ever.   Don’t these people have loved ones at home to prevent them from going out in public like that?  I’m not too upset about it though.  After all, they provide fodder for my hobby.   And now, thanks to the internet and websites like peopleofwalmart.com – people watching is available to all without leaving the comfort of your own home.

Watching people drive has me particularly fascinated.   I thought about publishing a photo book called “Nose picking drivers.”  And if the police would give me a mini-light and siren, I could make about 20 citizen arrests for all the texting and driving I see.   What I have never understood is how short a fuse most drivers have.   I have noticed that tempers seem to flare quicker behind a wheel than almost anywhere else.   Sit at a green light for more than 3 seconds and horns will honk.   Don’t turn right on red and even the old ladies start yelling.  And for goodness sake, do not go under the speed limit on any highway for any reason.  You’ll receive the #1 sign (with the middle finger) almost immediately when they pass.

Anger, by definition, is a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong.  Apparently, waiting at a red light longer than you have to creates that strong feeling of displeasure.  Going too slow is just wrong – particularly if you are in a belligerent hurry.

But why the instant rage with a nice guy like me?  To my knowledge, I never offended that driver in the past.   Was my “wrong” THAT wrong?  Why does the anger appear so quickly in so many?  What causes this phenomenon to be so common that we even have a nationally recognized name for it, “Road Rage?”

Apparently the human condition hasn’t changed much in 2,000 years.   Maybe Chariot & donkey rage was a big issue in first century Palestine as well?  James, the brother of Jesus, questioned the nature of arguments when he wrote, “What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you?”  His answer: “Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill.  You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.  (Or in our case, honk)

Not all anger is inappropriate, however.  There are times when anger is not only normal but expected.   Even Jesus expressed righteous rage and in the Temple of all places!  Over the years I have used the following checklist to help keep my anger “in check”.   Perhaps this will be of benefit to you should you struggle with a short fuse – particularly behind the wheel.

8 questions to help me discern & resolve inappropriate anger:

  1. Is my anger selfishly motivated?  (James 1:20)
  2. Am I angry because I am offended or because God is offended?
  3. Have I taken the time to think through this “offense?”   What are some likely scenarios that could have caused the other person to wrong me without malice?
  4. Will I be just as angry about this one week from now?  One year from now?  (Matthew 25:14-30)
  5. Have I allowed my anger to linger past sundown?  (Ephesians 4:26-27)
  6. What have I done to cause this situation?  What can I do to make right this wrong?  (Matthew 18:15-18)
  7. If God were in my shoes, would He be angry as well?  (Jonah 4:5-11)
  8. Would He be angry for the same reasons?

Next time you’re tempted to honk – think about this list.   Assume the wrong done to you was unintentional.   Use the horn for emergencies only and show some Road Grace, even if you’re not on the road.

“How are you doing?”

rodarters

I was recently walking down the street when I passed someone and made eye contact.  As our eyes met, it seemed only natural that we exchange some sort of greeting.   This person said, “Hi.”  I immediately responded with, “How are you doing?”  Neither of us broke our stride and we continued on our merry way.

A few minutes later I realized that he never answered my question.  Of course, I have a feeling that he ignored my question because I was no longer in earshot of his answer.   The quality of his life, at that moment, did not matter to me.   Somehow he sensed that.  I asked him how he was doing but obviously didn’t care if I heard his response.   Was he having a great day?  Was he having the worst day of his life?  It doesn’t matter, because at this point, I’m halfway down the street asking another total stranger the same question.

Why do we throw around that phrase (“How are you?”) so flippantly?   Are we really that thoughtless and apathetic towards our fellow man?  Are we so self absorbed that we could ask such a personal and thoughtful question and not care about their response?   Could we really be that insensitive and uncaring?   Um, yep.   At least I can be.

It seems to be another example of how a word or phrase in our English language has lost it’s true significance.  Like the phrase, “I love you”, it can often sound hollow and devoid of its true meaning when it leaves our lips.   Instead of it being a sincere question of concern (“How are you?”), it has turned into a casual, passing, irrelevant greeting.   Instead of really desiring a truthful answer, we prefer a brief lie.  And the number one indicator that we don’t truly care?   We are physically or emotionally absent for their response.

The problem with using this “verbal check up” on certain people is that we may not desire or like their answer.   We just might hear something that will coerce us to respond and get involved.  Unconsciously, we only ask this question to “safe” people.   If we think the person is a low risk candidate, we will offer our question of fake concern.  Subliminally we think something like, “They look normal.  They look healthy.  They look like things are going well.   They know I’m not really asking for an honest answer.  Ok, they are safe to ask.”  It is for this reason we do not ask this same question to the homeless man, emotionally unstable woman or the person we know whose life just fell apart.   I mean, who has the time or energy to listen to the laundry list of problems?

Imagine if you heard the following answers from your casual question, “How are you?”

  • “I’m not doing well.  My spouse and I fight most every night.”
  • “I’m broke.  I just don’t know how I’m going to pay my electric bill or feed my kids this month.”
  • “I’m lonely.  I feel like no one out there cares for me.”
  • “I’m struggling.  I am addicted to (alcohol, porn, drugs, sex, gambling, etc) and can’t seem to get victory over it.”
  • “I’m worried.  I have a lump in my chest and am afraid it might be cancer.”
  • “I’m hurting”, “I’m mad”, “I’m upset”, “I’m frustrated”…. 

Now what do you say?   “Whoa!  T.M.I.!”   Did you really want all that information?  Now that you have it, what are you going to do with it?  Will you see them through to a solution?   Or, was it merely an empty question disguised as concern?

You can imagine the absolute shock on the disciples face when Jesus asked to speak with a man named Bartimaeus.  We are told in Mark 10 that Bartimaeus is blind, a beggar and sitting by the side of the road.   If there is anyone you do NOT want to ask a question to, it’s a man like Bartimaeus.  Anything out of his mouth is going to require something of you.  Minimally, you are going to have to listen to a few minutes of complaining.  But, depending on what he says, you may actually feel obliged to get involved.   With a crowd of people around Him and a very busy schedule, Jesus stops everything and asks Bartimaeus a servant’s question, “What do you want me to do for you?”   Jesus doesn’t have to ask how he  is.  He already knows.  Instead, He asks the follow up question, “What can I do for you?”

THIS is why we don’t ask “How are you?” and mean it.  Because, deep down, we are afraid that if life isn’t going smoothly, we will have to ask what we can do to help.  And for many people today, life isn’t going smoothly.  That is where things get messy.  If we were to be brutally honest, most of us don’t mind helping anyone as long as it does not cost us any time, energy, money, sweat or tears.  Asking the question is easy.  Sticking around for an honest answer is not.  The question involves our lips.  Their answer involves our life.

Jesus stuck around for an answer.   Bartimaeus wanted one thing, the ability to see.   The question was asked and Jesus didn’t leave until a sufficient solution was provided.  Why don’t we ask the same question of concern to others?  It’s not because we are afraid of being asked something we cannot deliver.   It’s actually the opposite.  We are afraid of being asked something we CAN deliver.  A simple question to others really turns into a question to us.  If they are not doing “well”, what am I willing to do about it?   My commitment to their well-being greatly impacts the sincerity of my concerned question.

Let me encourage you to do two things after reading this blog.

  1. Be honest.  The next time someone asks you how you are doing, be brutally honest.  Don’t say what they want to hear.  Say what is on your heart.   If you truly are doing great, say so.  If you are really hurting, say so.   They may need to struggle with your answer more than you need to struggle with your pride to sugarcoat your response.
  2. When you ask someone else that question, wait around for an answer.   Be prepared to be a part of the solution.  If you cannot help them directly, perhaps you can begin to gather resources to offer a solution.  If nothing else, perhaps your friendship and concern can provide them with a level of support and hope they did not have previously.

Before Jesus’ question, Bartimaeus was blind, begging and homeless.   After His encounter with Christ, He was able to see and walk with a new purpose in life.

One concerned question.   One honest answer.   Another changed life.

Ask.  Listen.  Help.

If Jesus had a storage unit…

rodarters

In the last three years, life circumstances have caused me to move three different times to three different states. (No, I’m not in the witness protection program!)  With each subsequent move, I seem to be gathering more “stuff” while downsizing living space.  As a result, I have not been able to fit all of my worldly possessions under my roof.   Over the last three years, I have had to place most of my valuables into the ever popular storage unit.

I went to the unit last month looking for something “important”.  I didn’t know exactly which box it was in which means I had to search them all.  That’s always fun.  Opening boxes in a storage unit is like attending a Squirrel Christmas party with amnesia.  You can’t remember what you buried or where you put it but opening it can feel like Christmas morning!  In my case, it felt more like Hoarders meets Sanford & Son.

It took me 30 minutes to finally find that “important” document.  I literally opened every box and bin and it should not have surprised me to learn which one it was in… the last one.  Ugh.   Why didn’t I look at the last one first?   I began to wonder, “If it was so important, what was it doing in the back of my storage unit?”   As I opened each bin, I found myself saying things like, “Why do I still have THAT thing?” or “What in the world is that and how did it get in my stuff?” or “Wow, I borrowed that four years ago from so-and-so and need to return it!”.   I realized that most everything I had – I really didn’t need or want anymore.   And when I came to THAT conclusion, I started to calculate how much money I have spent on all these rental units.   All in all, I rented for over 16 months at a tune of $2232.30.   Add the cost of U-haul rentals and moving expenses.   Ouch.  That’s a lot of money to store a nut I don’t need.

I was reminded of Jesus’ words in Matthew 8:20, “Foxes have holes and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.”  In a very humbling moment, I realized that I had more junk in my storage unit than Jesus had His entire life.  Though He probably stayed with family or friends most nights, He didn’t have a place He called home.   Where did He keep His important papers?   Where did He store all the junk He didn’t need?  WHY didn’t He have any of this stuff I deem so “important”?   Here are a few reasons:

After Hurricane Katrina, folks in Mississippi were building “Sheds for Jesus”. My question is – what in the world does Jesus need a shed for? Heaven & earth can’t contain His stuff that He needs a shed for storage??? The padlock is the best! Yea, Jesus needs a lock to guard His stuff.
  1. We have different priorities.   What I think is important in this world and what Jesus thinks are important in this world are TOTALLY different.   I chase things.  He chases people.  I keep my important things in a safe-deposit box.  Or a special drawer.  Or a locked storage  unit.  Everything important to Him cannot be contained in an earthly box.
  2. We have different treasures.  My treasures tend to be the ones you can find on “earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.” (Matthew 6)  His are clearly in heaven, protected from all decay.
  3. We see different things.  I have natural eyes that look too often at natural things.  He has supernatural vision.  He sets His mind on things above, and not on earthly things (Colossians 1).   Apparently, I’m spiritually nearsighted.  As a result, I walk by sight.  He only steps by faith.
  4. He understands, what I sometimes forget – you can’t take it with you.  Having come from a throne in Heaven, He recognized that nothing down here would make the trip back.   At His death, the only earthly possession He had were the clothes on His back and even those were taken by Roman soldiers inadvertently fulfilling a prophecy (John 19, Psalm 22) in the process.  The souvenirs He gathered from our planet were the walking lame, the seeing blind, the hearing deaf, the speaking mute, the living dead.   The only thing He ever intended to take back “home” were changed lives.   EVERYTHING else, by comparison, was not worth storing.  After losing EVERY earthly possession he owned, Job blurted out, “Naked I come from my mother’s womb, naked I shall return.” (Job 1:21)   There is a good reason you never see a U-haul behind a funeral hertz.

After my storage unit epiphany, I decided to move every box back home and go through every bin.  It took me about three weeks and numerous trips to Goodwill, but I did it.  No more storage units.  No more monthly fees!  I may never pack as lightly as Jesus did, but I am less encumbered today than I was yesterday.   And it feels good.

It’s not bad to have stuff to store.  The important thing is to make sure you own your things and that your things don’t own you.  Keep all your possessions in perspective.  Remember, you can’t take it with you.

With that being said, what will you be leaving behind?   Changed lives or a change of clothes?

Replace or redeem? The need for more bridges

rodarters

When something expensive is broken and money is flowing, we are quick to throw the broken item away and simply buy a new one.  But when something costly is broken and cash is low, we must figure out how to fix what we have.   Unfortunately, as a “wealthy, first-world” country, we have been allowed to replace too many things for too long.  In fact, in many ways – it’s actually easier and cheaper to buy something new.

A few years ago my DVD player broke.  I called the manufacturer to see how to get it fixed.  I realized that after shipping the unit across the country, paying for the part to repair it, plus the labor charges and the fee to ship it back to me, it would be much cheaper to throw it out and buy a new one.   Honestly, that disturbed me.  DVD players had become so inexpensive that they literally have become disposable!

Most things, it seems, have become easier to replace than redeem.  As a result, we have developed a mentality that encourages us to just buy new instead of fixing old.  And sadly, that mentality is not just isolated to our possessions, but even our relationships.

Most everyone reading this, regardless of age, has a broken relationship out there.  As you read that last sentence, a name comes to mind.  Or three or four names.  People you used to laugh with – now deleted from your phone.

Words were said.  Actions were done.  Actions were not done.  Things that we would have overlooked years ago now cause us to give the silent treatment.   Mild sarcasm that we would have forgiven in the past now turns into a bitter grudge.   Or maybe the wrong done – was really wrong… wrong enough to end the relationship.  The truth is, people can sometimes do hurtful things.  I have come to realize that people who have wounded me were also wounded themselves.  In other words, hurt people hurt people.  A friend will say something critical about us.  Neighbors complain.  Children are ungrateful.  Parents nag or worse yet, treat us like children.  Siblings tease us about a painful past experience.  Co-workers gossip.   Spouses are thoughtless, or worse – unfaithful.   Relationships get damaged and we are left staring at the relational shrapnel trying to decide what we will do with this person we once trusted.  Do we try to pick up the pieces or is it just better to walk our separate ways?

Some of us have viewed our closest relationships like a broken DVD player, disposable.  It’s easier to get a new boyfriend, than try to redeem an old husband.  It’s a lot less painful to get a new friend, than repair a broken relationship with a sibling.  Why open up old wounds with a parent who has hurt you when you can just ignore them now that you are an adult?   After all, you no longer need to borrow the family station wagon to get out.  “I’ve lived without them this long”, you rationalize, “why bother now?”

There are a lot of reasons why redeeming a relationship is better than replacing it.  The temptation is to let pride continue to course through your veins and justify all the reasons why you shouldn’t attempt the restoration.  “But he is the one who hurt me”, you think.  “Why should I take the first step when she is the one who was wrong?”  Or maybe you are thinking something like, “What I did was wrong and hurtful.  There is no way she’ll ever forgive me.  Why bother trying?”   Allow me to list six reasons why it’s worth trying.  One brief disclaimer: I am not suggesting that you need to redeem an abusive relationship or allow certain access with someone that is not physically or emotionally safe for you.  But there are times when you need to forgive (past hurts) and redeem (in spite of the hurt), especially if the offending party has changed/desires to change and is truly sorry/repentant for the hurtful behavior and has shown a consistent track record supporting that change.)    As you read the following list, think of the most important relationship you had, now broken, and picture what restoration looks like with that person. 

  1. People have loved you through some ugly times.   At some point in your life, you were not the perfect, pleasant person you are today.  There was a time when you were sullen, negative, disrespectful, inconsiderate, rude, sarcastic, mean or moody and someone (parent, teacher, sibling, coach, friend) decided to love you in spite of yourself.   Your words or actions hurt them and they decided you were worth the pain and stayed in the relationship anyway.
  2. If that isn’t enough, you have also been forgiven in Christ.  The Bible teaches that every sin we commit is punishable by death (Genesis 2:16-17, Romans 6:23).  Christ’s death on the cross was in your place.   Why would someone die for you, in your place?  Only one reason: love.  “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13)   If God can forgive your sins (which He was crucified for), can’t you forgive the lesser sins committed against you?  In fact, restoring relationships is so important to God that He raises the stakes with you.  “For if you forgive others for their sins, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6:14-15)
  3. You have a history with the person.   If the broken relationship is with a family member (ex-spouse, child, parents or siblings,) the history with them is like no other.   They hold a special place that no one else can fill.  You may be able to get another friend – but you’ll never get another sister, father, husband etc.   Even if the broken relationship is not a family member, you have tons of memories with them. At one point, there was some good times and positive experiences.  If you could get back to THAT, wouldn’t it be worth the work?
  4. Working through the pain can actually grow the broken relationship stronger than it was before.  In the human body, muscles & bones grow and strengthen under pressure, and become weak when barely put to use.   Relationships are very similar.  Too many friends “walk” after a heated disagreement.  When pressure hits a marriage, too many think separation/divorce is the answer instead of working it out.  Granted, there is a lot of pain and rehab to do – but it can be worth the effort.  And that relationship COULD be better than it was in the beginning – but only if BOTH sides are willing to put pride aside, change hurtful behaviors, humble themselves, ask for forgiveness and do the heavy lifting.
  5. A restored relationship shows others the power of forgiveness, friendship and love.  I recently read a story about a POW soldier from the Korean War who was tortured mercilessly by his captor for years.  Honestly, it was painful to read about the details of the abuse.  Years later, safely back on US soil – the soldier wondered what happened to this particular guard.  After years of searching, he found the name of his abuser and went to meet with him.  His goal: offer forgiveness.  The captor had become a Christian and was tormented, for years, over his evil actions.   The POW’s forgiveness had set him free.  Enemies had now become friends.   We all marvel at those types of stories, but few of us want to be the main character in one.
  6. If you are the one that initiates the restoration, you communicate a level of commitment to the other party that speaks volumes about your character.  In essence, what you are saying is:
  • “I want our relationship back more than I want my pride.”
  • “I want our friendship more than I want to be right.”
  • “I want your companionship more than I want the possible rejection you can give me right now.”
  • “I want you in my life more than I want you out of it.”

It’s hard to build such a bridge.  It’s painful to swallow your pride (particular if you think you are right).   It’s scary to take the first step.  But it is worth trying.  And years later, when you look back at that “incident” that caused the breach,  you often think, “Wasn’t it dumb of us to be that way?  I’m so glad we got over ourselves!”

  • Who do you currently have a broken relationship with?
  • What is your role in the demise of it?
  • What can you do (this week) to initiate contact and begin building the bridge?

There are three things you need to know about bridge building:

  1. It’s hard work.   It’s not easy going from point A to point B.
  2. It takes time.  You may have to work at it for a while.  If it took 13  years to destroy the bridge, don’t assume it will take 13 minutes to repair it.
  3. Once the bridge is built, you can get to places you never could before.  And others (generations later) can travel on your experience (bridge) and get there too.