Tag: rod arters

The price is right and the importance of new

rodarters

price is rightWhenever I can, I try to watch the evening news and hear what is happening in our world.  Before the end of each show, they normally try to highlight at least one uplifting human interest story.  Given the massive amounts of coverage that wars, scandals, robberies & murder are given each night – it’s nice to hear a story with a happy ending.   One such story was shared this week and it came from (of all places!) the popular game show, The Price is Right.

Most everyone is familiar with the show.  Contestants are chosen from the studio audience and told to “Come on down!”   They must correctly predict the price of various household items and are given opportunities to participate in various games (like spinning the wheel) to determine their prize.  The reason this story became newsworthy is because the winning prize was the largest in the 41 year history of the game show.  The “lucky” contestant, an older woman, went absolutely crazy when she won.  It was a Publisher’s Clearinghouse moment… the common reaction of every lottery winner.   Everyone is happy to win a prize.  This lady went nuts.  From running around in circles, screaming, crying, hugging, clapping, jumping up and down – virtually every positive emotion one could experience – she had them all simultaneously and in a matter of seconds.   It was both hilarious and uplifting to watch.  No wonder it made the news.   I’d much rather watch this than hear another story of how the Obama-care website is down.

Her prize was a coveted brand new car.   In fact, it wasn’t just a car.  It was a black Audi R8 Spyder Quattro, valued at $157,300… just above the value of my car.  0 miles on the odometer. Unmistakable smell of new leather.  Immaculately clean.  Sleek, shiney, powerful.  You name the amenity, it had it fully loaded.   No wonder this aging Mom loved it.  She gets to finally retire her old mini-van.  She no longer has to sit in seats made sticky from years of fast food spills.  She has the luxury of driving to the grocery store in style.   She has the benefit of getting to her future destinations in record time.   I think it is safe to say that she is the only normal grandmother on the planet driving such a vehicle.   Even the game show host, Drew Carey, was jealous!

Who wouldn’t like to receive a brand new car?   In fact, who doesn’t like to receive a brand new anything?   Everyone likes something new.   Whether it is a new pair of shoes, a new outfit, a new car, a new computer or a new haircut – we all like something new.  And “brand new” is even better.   It means we are the ones that get to “break it in.”   We are the ones that get to enjoy it like no one else ever has.

During the Great Depression, broken things were mended and repaired because people could not afford to replace it.  In our affluent culture, we are quick to replace our old items with new ones.  Why drive an old car if we can drive a new one?  Why wear the old dress if we can afford a new one?   Why keep the old computer when the new ones are faster/better?   In many ways – particularly with things – new is better.  Sometimes we need to say goodbye to the old thing to make room for the new.  Sometimes we need an upgrade or a change of pace or a change of scenery to help us get where we need or want to be.  The old adage “out with the old, in with the new” can often be the best course of action.

Even God Himself seems to desire for us to experience new things.  Throughout the Bible, He reminds us of His desire to remove the old and bring in the new:

  • “Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder the things of the past.  Behold, I will do something new… I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.” (Isaiah 43:19)
  • “Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone… and give you a heart of flesh.” (Ezekiel 36:26)
  • “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” (Psalm 51:10)
  • “Clean out the old leaven so that you may be a new lump.” (I Corinthians 5:7)
  • “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.” (II Corinthians 5:17)
  • “… but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ.” (Phillipians 3:13)

As humans, we tend to focus on the physical components of our world.  We tend to concentrate on material things.  God, being Spirit, focuses on the spiritual.  We both enjoy new things – we just go about getting them differently.  We like to exchange old for new.  God likes to transform one to another.  We like to replace an old hat.  God prefers to transform an old heart.

We replace.  God restores.

And therein lies a significant difference between the two of us.  It is one thing to replace an damaged item.  We can do that – even without God’s help.  But only God can restore a broken life, straighten a crooked heart or mend a damaged relationship.  It is for this reason why we see Jesus take the broken and damaged people in His path and create newness in them.   Jesus was constantly introducing new into the human experience:

  • A new teaching (“You have heard that it was said, but I say…”, Matthew 5 & 6)
  • A new skin (for the leper, Matthew 8)
  • A new body (for the paralytic man & bleeding woman, Matthew 9)
  • A new Sabbath (for the Pharisees, Matthew 12)
  • A new sight (for Bartimaeus, Mark 10:46-52)
  • A new birth (for Nicodemus, John 3)
  • A new hope (for the woman at the well, John 4)
  • A new life (for Lazarus, John 11)
  • A new chance (for the woman caught in adultery, John 8)
  • A new destiny (for the thief on the cross, Luke 23)

I think that is what makes this first day of the year so special for so many of us.   We get a brand new year ahead of us.  Though we are not promised tomorrow, we have the hope of next week in front of us.  We haven’t spilled our milk on it yet.  The weeks and months ahead are not yet tainted.   The New Year has 0 days on the odometer.   Our resolutions are still intact.  It smells like a brand new calendar and we get to “break it in.”

I don’t know about you, but 2013 was a rough one for me – a year of repeated loss.  I lost jobs, a home, material possessions, precious relationships and for a season, even my freedom.   In spite of the intense loss – God met me in the ashes and revealed Himself in new ways.   Though I wouldn’t want to repeat the difficult experience, I am grateful for what I learned because of it.  My yesterday is messy but today is a new day filled with new opportunities, new possibilities, new hopes.  And because of my yesterdays, I can appreciate the todays so much more.

Reminds me of this poem I once read.   Perhaps you resonate with it too?

He came to my desk with a quivering lip, the lesson was done.

“Have you a new sheet for me, dear teacher? I’ve spoiled this one.”

I took his sheet all soiled and blotted, and gave him a new one all unspotted,

and to his tired heart I cried, “Do better now, my child.”

 

I went to the throne with a troubled heart, the day was done.

“Have a new day for me, dear Master?  I’ve spoiled this one.”

He took my day all soiled and blotted, and gave a new one all unspotted,

and to my tired heart He cried, “Do better now, my child.”

(- author unknown)

Regardless of the blots I may have on yesterday’s paper, God is interested in giving me a new sheet.   The age-less God desires new and improved people.   He is in the business of “restoring what the locusts have eaten.” (Joel 2:25)

Have the locusts eaten some of your crops?    Be encouraged, a harvest is still possible with God handling the plowshare.

Why grocery stores hate men

rodarters

man-grocery-store-400x300Last night I went to the local grocery store for a few staple items, things like milk, bread & Doritos.   It took me 3 hours.

Needless to say, I really dislike trips to the grocery store.   I never need many items and it takes me about as long to shop for those items as it does for me to re-paint the house.

As I wander around in the grocery store’s version of purgatory, I have come to the realization that this place was not built for men.  Here are a few reasons why:

  1. The layout.   Most grocery stores have you walking right from the parking lot into the produce section.  Shocking as this may be, men do not prefer to pick up their brocoli first.  Or ever.  Men want soda, chips, beer, and pizza.  If grocery stores really wanted men to be there, they would put our items first, not make us wander around the labyrinth of aisles looking for them.
  2. The aisles.  When women were creating grocery stores, who decided what items would be grouped in a particular aisle?  Who decided the order the aisles would be in?   Why do they not have a map at the front door that makes everything more clear?   (For the record, men like maps – we just don’t want to have to ask someone for help reading one.)   Instead, I walk in with a small list of things to get and the next 3 hours are a scavenger hunt.  Where are the hot dogs?  Why are the buns half a mile away from them?  If you could watch me on film, you would see that I am in every aisle about 4 times – carefully looking up and down every part of it – looking for my item, otherwise known as Waldo.
  3. The shopping cart.   There is absolutely no way to push a shopping cart around and retain any level of cool.  Given that 9 out of 10 shopping carts have a rogue wheel that cause them to swerve in the aisle, it is an impossible machine to tame.  Besides, it is a well-known fact that men like to ride on things, not push them around.  The ride-on mower is “exhibit A” for this argument.  If a woman ever invents a ride-on shopping cart (or vacuum cleaner), men would instantly be interested in taking over these duties.  Just a suggestion.
  4. Too many things to kill.   Since caveman times, men were known as hunters and women were gatherers.  Following our instincts, most men and women treat all forms of shopping the same way.  Men enter, focus on the prey, kill and leave with it in hand.  By contrast, women enter, look at everything, touch everything, and come home with 37 bags of groceries.  For a man to hunt one item at a store is easy.  They are good at that.  But give a man a list of 10 items and 4 will be the wrong size, 3 will be the wrong brand and the other 6 will be stuff he wanted, not on the list.  Frankly, it’s unrealistic for men to remember long orders like, “Pick up chips, soda, beer, milk, bread, chicken, pizza, napkins, sugar, cheese, etc.”   All we hear is “blah, blah, chips, soda, beer, blah,  blah, blah, pizza, words, words, words, etc.”
  5. The store temperature.   It could be the dead of winter in Alaska.  You could be in the middle of Hell in the middle of July.  It doesn’t matter – the grocery store temperature will feel like 30 below zero.   I am always freezing when I am in there.  How can I expect to make a decision on what can of tuna fish to buy when my teeth are chattering?   How can I possibly focus on my coupon savings when I’m trying to cuddle with the man in the same aisle for survival?   It’s well documented, the longer you stay in a store – the more you will buy.  If they want men to stay in the store longer, they need to raise the temperature to at least the low teens or provide NorthFace thermal underwear and a ski mask.
  6. The lack of other men.   As you might expect, 90% of the shoppers are female.  Inevitably, I will walk down an aisle and see an experienced shopper there.  This shopper, always a woman, has an intimidating amount of groceries in her cart.  As I look at her pile of groceries, I can’t help but wonder how long she has been here.   Given that it takes me 3 hours to pick up six items, she has to have been here for weeks.  I wonder if her kids miss her.  Or how hungry her husband must be.  On the rare occasion that I do see another man, I usually give him a knowing nod that is the equivalent of “I got your back.”   It’s like he’s my battle buddy.  Except we are not in battle and he’s not my buddy.  Other than that, it’s just like that.
  7. The lack of help.   Doesn’t anyone notice that I’ve been in the store for 3  hours?  Isn’t someone watching the security camera wondering why I’ve been circling Aisle 3 for the last 45 minutes?  Aren’t there supposed to be employees that are available to help those with a confused look on their face?  And why do the experienced shoppers (aka women) watch us men helplessly wander instead of trying to assist?  If the roles were reversed (let’s say at Lowes) both men and store employees would go out of their way to help our confused/lost female counterparts.   When I finally reach the check out counter, (disheveled and exhausted) and the lady asks, “Did you find everything ok?” – I just want to cry.
  8. The abundance of options.   Why are there so many choices out there?  How many different brands of cat food companies are there?  How many different flavors of cat food does a cat really need?  Before grocery stores were invented, cats ate mice.  Now, cats have more options than most high school cafeterias.  Fortunately, I don’t buy cat food but the human food choices are no easier.  How can I possibly know what to buy with all of those options?   Am I shopping price alone or do I need to look for sodium percentages?   What about calories?   And how much saturated fat is there?  (Can there be a more disgusting combination of words than “saturated fat?”)   Shopping time would be reduced in half if they just had two options per food item.  Big or small.  Cheap or fancy.  Healthy or tasty.  I feel like using a lifeline to call a nutritionist just to buy a box of cereal.   It’s utterly exhausting.
  9. Self-check out.  Self check-out is a brilliant concept.  Instead of standing in a 45 minute line, the self-check out option makes you feel like you control your destiny… or at least have some control over your schedule.   But is it really any quicker?   For starters, I can never seem to find the bar code for the machine to read.   Then, I’ll want to scan bananas, except there is no bar code for them so you have to weigh them.   Apparently, the scale takes a few hours to stop shaking from the last piece of fruit that was on it.   Of course, as soon as I begin my self-check out experience, a line immediately forms behind me.   I now feel pressure to scan quicker, bag quicker, pay quicker.   Paying quicker is never an option though and whatever you do, never pay with cash.  You will stand there forever trying to get the machine to accept your wrinkly bill as if you are presenting a peace-offering to an Egyptian god.   The self-check out money god seems to prefer plastic. 

If loneliness doesn’t drive single men into a relationship, the grocery store certainly will.  No man in his right mind can enjoy this experience on their own.  Other than the sample food kiosks where kind older people prepare food and let you sample it, there is little appeal to the grocery store for men.  

Call me when the ride-on grocery cart is invented.  Until then, I’m going to pray that God sends me a bird to feed me as He did the prophet Elijah.  Now THAT is a great way to get your food!

“Then the word of the Lord came to Elijah: Leave here, turn eastward and hide in the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan.  You will drink from the brook, and I have directed the ravens to supply you with food there.   So he did what the Lord had told him. He went to the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan, and stayed there. The ravens brought him bread and meat in the morning and bread and meat in the evening, and he drank from the brook.”  (I Kings 17:2-6)

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Liars, cheaters, thieves and me.

rodarters

When the topic of cheating comes up, there are few people who take a neutral position. Because of the serious nature of the crime and the emotional baggage it carries, it often brings with it a very passionate reaction. Most people despise the cheater since that emotion is easier and comes naturally. After all, cheating is despicable and non-defensible. Some people offer sympathy, not just to the offended person but even to the culprit. Those who empathize can usually relate to one or the other on some experiential level or they are more in tune with their own fallen nature. A few will recognize the universal truth: hurt people hurt people. Though the offended party is understandably hurt, the cheater is not without his/her own level of pain. For many cheaters, their pain existed long before the affair and their selfish actions were born from that pain. For those that were wronged, their pain begins after the betrayal and they often do what they can to seek revenge. As I said, hurt people hurt people.

So, why do cheaters cheat? What causes them to even entertain the thought? Why do they take the risk? Do they really think they can get away with it? In a word, yes. Remarkably, every cheater who has ever cheated has done so because of two powerful reasons:

  1. Pride and
  2. They actually believe their own lies.

Cheating is the height of selfishness. In that world, there is a cheater and his/her perceived needs that must be met. Nothing else exists. In this narcissistic state of mind, there are a number of lies that must be told and believed before a cheater can even begin to think his/her plan is possible, let alone feasible. Here are the top 10 lies that must be purchased. pinocchioInterestingly, most of these lies can apply to someone who wants to rob banks, embezzle money, look at porn, or even do drugs. The “crime” doesn’t matter. The overinflated sense of self and the ability to believe their own lies are essential.

  1. I won’t get caught. This is probably the most absurd lie of them all but is truly the cornerstone of all the other lies. If this lie can be believed and swallowed, then the rest of them go down much easier. The truth is, you WILL get caught. It’s not a matter of if, but when. If the Director of the C.I.A. cannot conceal an affair, what makes you think you can?
  2. No one will ever know. This lie is similar to the first but more in-depth in its scope. Not only will you not get caught but this is a secret you can take to your grave. After all, you have all your “bases” covered. All your alibis are solid. All your stories are straight. All your text messages deleted. All your emails erased. No one will EVER find out about it. You repeat this lie over and over until you believe it. The truth is, one day, EVERYONE will know, even if that knowledge occurs after you’re gone.
  3. What they don’t know, won’t hurt them. This lie makes a lot of sense to a cheater but few cheaters would want that logic applied to them. Would you want a merchant to overcharge you for a product without your knowledge? Or worse yet, would you want a doctor to not share the diagnosis of cancer with you? I mean, if you don’t know the truth, it can’t hurt you, right? The truth is, sometimes, what people don’t know can destroy them.
  4. Everybody is doing it. This is a common phenomenon in human behavior. Thieves think others are stealing because they are. In like manner, cheaters often assume others are being unfaithful because they are. Granted, adultery is rampant in our culture. But the truth is, NOT everyone is doing it. There are many faithful, loyal men and women out there – showing the rest of us what fidelity & commitment looks like.
  5. It’s not that big of a deal. Downplay. Minimize. Reduce. Common tactics for someone who is playing Russian Roulette with a fully loaded pistol. If it’s not a big deal, then why all the lies? If it’s not that big of a deal, why the secrecy? If it’s not such a big deal, do it openly. The truth is, it IS a big deal and the knowledge of it will devastate everyone who knows you.
  6. People already know and are ignoring it. Some of the lies sound crazy once you are living in the truth. This is one of them. There are times when you are convinced that everyone knows and they are turning a “blind eye” to your behavior. This is false anesthesia to the soul. The truth is, no one is condoning your actions. They truly don’t know…yet.
  7. God will forgive me. This is a case of spiritual gymnastics. The cheater has enough knowledge of God and His word to be deadly. Yes, God will forgive all sins except unbelief (Mark 3:28-29). However, this does not mean you should presume upon His grace or forgiveness (Romans 6:15). Even if God forgives you, it does not mean you will come out unscathed by His consequences (Proverbs 6:29). The consequences for such behavior are truly devastating for everyone in your life.
  8. My spouse will forgive me. Maybe they will. Maybe they won’t. Is this the risky card you really want to play? Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation. It does not mean you will be accepted back or restored to your previous position. Forgiveness may be quick but trust will take years. You are making some dangerous assumptions about someone you are hurting.
  9. I’m not getting what I need. This may be true but cheating isn’t the answer. Just because your employer does not pay what you “need” does not mean embezzling money is the answer to that dilemma. If you are not getting what you need, tell your spouse. Go to counseling. Meet with a therapist. Attend a support group. Talk to a friend. Though cheating may scratch your itch for a season, it won’t make the itch go away. There is a deeper itch beneath the surface that cheating cannot scratch. Commit to finding the proper solution for it.
  10. It’s just a physical thing. Nope, wrong again. It’s an emotional thing. And a mental thing. And a spiritual thing. It may seem physical to you but your whole being is involved here (mind, body, spirit), not just one horny member of it.

For a cheater, most of these lies will sound familiar. They may even have a few more of their own. Some or all of them are essential to believe before the cheating begins. So important are these that you can’t continue in the destructive behavior without swallowing one or more of these pills daily.

One day, though, the truth will come out. One day, the lies you digested will make you utterly sick. One day, the world you have created will face the world that is. Reality eventually trumps fantasy and you will wake up to realize the dream is actually a nightmare. The alarm cannot be snoozed. The deeds done in darkness will eventually be exposed in the light. Each and every lie will be addressed by the Truth.

A word of caution for all the non-cheaters reading this. It’s easy to throw a judgmental rock at a cheater, particularly if one has cheated on you. It’s easy to create a “me vs. them” mentality. After all, you are better than they are since you didn’t cheat. Remove your judgmental glasses for a minute and grab a mirror. Or better yet, grab a Bible. It appears that you may not be off the hook either. According to Jesus standard of faithfulness, “anyone who looks at a woman (or man) lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28)

You may not have committed that particular “deed” but all dirty deeds start in the heart and yours isn’t as clean as you think. The only difference between your heart and theirs is they followed through on what you have already considered. Or, you just haven’t been caught yet. Or your temptations are different. Adulterous thoughts, actual affairs, and judgmental pride are all the same in God’s book. Consequences are certainly different but hearts are the same. And Jesus didn’t come to clean up behavior. He didn’t just come to pardon sinful actions. He came to change wicked hearts. And according to His standard, apparently, you have one too.

“There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one… there is no difference between the Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:11,12, 23)

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:1-3)

The “in home” sales guy…

rodarters

As an “in home” salesman, I come across all different types of people on a daily basis.  Unlike a traditional store owner that has to wait for someone to walk in his door each day, I have the distinct privilege of being invited into a customer’s home to discuss our products or services.  You just never know what you’re going to see on the other side of that door.  Unlike a friend, you really get to see how people live.  For friends, we clean up and vacuum.  We will dust and put away laundry.  We will wipe  down counters and bring out the cleaning supplies.  After all, we don’t want our friends to discover that we are really disgusting slobs.

But for a sales guy, homeowners don’t spend a lot of time cleaning up for us.  I can’t tell you the number of homes I go in where the homeowner (usually the woman) will apologize for the amount of dust and how busy she was this week.  I always love that excuse.  Sure, we are all busy – I get that.   And I understand that dusting is lower on the priority list.  But that excuse always comes from the woman whose home should be condemned.  I’m always very gracious in the home even though I want to say, “Good grief lady!  How can you live like this??  Where is your dust mask??”  I would never say something like that.  Again.  The truth is, three years of dust does not accumulate because your schedule was busy this week.

I estimate that in the last five years I have been in over 5,000 homes.  Averaging at least three house calls a day, I have literally seen it all.

  • I have been accosted by an overly friendly Saint Bernard the size of Marmaduke.
  • I have been bit by a “friendly” pit bull.
  • I have been hugged by children who just met me.
  • I have been offered jobs.
  • I have been “hit on” by single women and propositioned by gay men.
  • I have seen rooms filled from floor to ceiling with junk.
  • I have been in the homes of hoarders.
  • Once I walked by a parrot’s cage and it grabbed my shirt and wouldn’t let go.
  • Another time a parrot landed on me during my presentation.  (I still made the sale!)
  • Several times I have been “trapped” at a customer’s home because of bad weather.
  • Once I was trapped by an incessant talker.
  • Some homes have had such a pungent smell that I literally gagged as I entered.
  • One customer had so many clothes on the floor in her foyer that I could barely enter without stepping on something.   Humorously, she told me she ran out of hangers.
  • I have met eccentric collectors.  One couple had collected over 400 PEZ dispensers and prominently displayed them in their kitchen.  Another man collected exotic carousel horses.   These gigantic horses were all over his house and imported from all over the world.
  • I had one lady break down and cry in the middle of my presentation as she told me about her difficult life.  Um, awkwaaard!   How do you transition from that??   “So, anyway – our flux capacitor will solve all your severe emotional problems too.”
  • Another woman answered the door totally drunk.
  • Speaking of which, I have been offered a beer on more than one occasion.  As a general rule of thumb, if you can’t drink at your job – we can’t drink on ours.  🙂
  • One woman had full-blown Alzheimer’s.
  • The most shocking was the minister who had forgotten about our appointment.   He answered the door in just a pair of boxers.  Needless to say, I was grateful for his modern-day loincloth.

Over the years, I have discovered that many homeowners believe some “myths” about “in-home” salesmen.  Here are the most common:

  1. Every sales man is a liar.  Granted, a few tainted apples can spoil the bunch but most of us want to make an honest living, earning an honest dollar.  Do not assume just because someone is in sales that they are willing to do or say anything to get the sale.  We tell you what we are supposed to tell you and for most of us, it’s legit.  Snake oil does cure cancer!  It says so on the bottle.   Jeez.
  2. Salesmen are greedy and just want my money.   Granted, many of us are motivated by money but before you climb into your pulpit, so are you.   Why do you work?  For money so you can pay your bills and take care of your family.  We are no different.   Yes, of course we want your business.  But for most of us, we also like the satisfaction we receive of helping you get what you need/want in the process.  Many of us really do want to help improve your life with our products or services.  In exchange, you can help improve ours with some green paper.
  3. We are paid a salary.   What most people do not realize is how “in-home” salesmen get paid.  Many of us are not salaried employees.  We have no guaranteed income.  We travelled to you on our own dime and many of us travelled a good distance to get there.  As an “independent contractor”, we invest 1-2 hours with a customer on our own time with no guarantee of a sale.  Many many days we feel like a volunteer.
  4. We get paid per appointment we run.   Most “in-home” salesmen are paid 100% commission which means that we only make money if you buy something WHILE WE ARE WITH YOU.
  5. All salesmen use high pressure tactics.   Yes, there are some salesmen that are former mafia types that “make you an offer you can’t refuse.”   And sadly, they do not take no for an answer.   But many of us are not wired that way.  Statistically, we have found that if the homeowner does not make a decision in the home while we are with them, they rarely buy later.  This is one reason why we put some “pressure” on you while we are there.  Look at it from our perspective.  YOU called our company and made the appointment.  YOU wanted to learn more about our product or service.  YOU have a definite need/want for what we have.   WE have just given you an hour (or more) of OUR time and expertise FOR FREE.   And WE are held accountable for the result of YOUR appointment with our company.   Every appointment we run is compared against our total sales for the month.   When we are with you and you do not buy – you cost us much more than just our time/gasoline.  You hurt our overall sales percentage which, in turn, affects our income.  Most of us do not put the pressure on you that is placed on us.   HINT: One way to avoid any pressure is to get out your checkbook immediately after our presentation.  🙂

So, on behalf of my “in-home” sales compadres all over the world – may I suggest the following:

  • Do not call our companies to make an appointment unless you are seriously investigating your options.  If you are just curious and window shopping with no intention of making a decision to do this project in the next few weeks, go to google and get your answers there.
  • Only make an appointment if you actually own the house.   You would be surprised at how many phone calls we get from the renters – the people who are not authorized to make major purchasing decisions on a home they don’t own.
  • Have all interested homeowners available when we come.  If you are married, make sure your spouse can attend the appointment.  If you co-own the house with siblings, make sure they can all be there.  There is nothing more frustrating than spending an hour or more OF OUR TIME to discover that you can’t make a decision.  While you were wasting our time, we could have been in another home actually making a sale and supporting our families.
  • Give us time.   Depending on the industry and what we are selling, it takes time to check out your house.  It takes time to measure and take pictures.  It takes time for the small talk.  It takes time to show you our products and explain our services and answer your questions.   Ask the appointment setter on the phone  exactly how much time we will need and then add 30 minutes.
  • Be prepared to make a decision while we are with you.  This is important for 2 reasons.   First, if you don’t decide now – you will not decide later.  You know you want whatever we have.  You know you need it.   Just bite the bullet and get it done.  Secondly, it is in your best interest to do so on the day we arrive.  For customers that decide “today,” we are often in a position to give you the best deal possible.  If the salesman has to come back out to a home to close the deal on another day, that means he cannot be somewhere else making a new sale.  To maximize our time and company resources, we are usually willing to reward you with a discount for simply saying “Yes!” today.
  • Ask for a better price.  The first price offered, though fair, is often not the best price we are allowed to give.  Don’t feel bad about asking for a lower price or adding services to the package.  Most of us who are honest will do whatever we can to help you get what you want at the price you can afford.   We are often willing to give you a MAJOR discount on the spot.  We know if you don’t bite now at the slashed price – you will never bite later when the price goes back up.
  • Be prepared to give a “down payment” of at least 20%.   We ask for this for two primary reasons.  First, it locks in the price that is offered in the home.  Secondly, it is considered a “good faith” deposit and shows us that you are truly serious about moving forward.  When a customer has some “skin in the game,” we find they are more serious about their decision.

Oh.. and one last thing… clean your house and put your dogs away.  We are tired of sitting at your sticky dining room table being licked by Spot.

See you soon!   🙂

My children, My weapon

rodarters

Any soldier worth their weight in warfare would never dream of entering the battle without proper weaponry.  It would be foolish to have anyone on the frontlines of battle without sufficient “fire power”.  Think through all the war heroes of the past; Napolean, Washington, MacArthur, etc.  Now think of all the wars they won while hiding in their bunker.  Although defense is an important factor, wars are won when troops go on the offense.  We all understand this truth militaristically.  We even understand the analogy when we carry it over into the sports arena.  The team with the best offense is normally the winning team.  However, very few Christians seem to understand that this truth is applicable in regards to our culture.  I need not remind you that we are in the midst of a culture war.   Our actors, news anchors, musicians, politicians, editors, superintendents, co-workers and neighbors remind us continually.  The question for every Christian parent is “How engaged are you” in this cultural battle for truth and righteousness?   Are you in the fight?   Is your family anywhere near the frontlines?   Sadly, too many Christians (especially parents!) have developed a defensive posture in regards to the culture war.

Jesus was on the offensive.  Find a passage of Scripture where Jesus took a defensive posture.   Locate a verse where He cowered from a confrontational conversation with the Pharisees.  Show me a time where Jesus was timid, shy, quiet, apologetic or “tolerant” of anti-Biblical ideas and opinions.  He appropriately challenged His family (Luke 2:41-52).   He was not afraid to rebuke even His closest friends (Matthew 16:21-23). He consistently stood up to the “preachers” of His day (Matthew 23:1-39).  He defended the integrity of His church with zeal (Matthew 21:12-13).  He did not fear man even if that man had the “authority” to “take” His life (John 19:8-11).   And yet, in all of His boldness, Jesus modeled for us how to assault the culture without sinning in the process (Hebrews 4:15).  Jesus was an appropriately offensive figure, are you?

One way that God commands every Christian parent to assault the culture is via their children.  In Psalm 127:4-5, we learn three important truths about this culture war we are in:

“Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth.   How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; they will not be ashamed when they speak with their enemies in the gate.”

Your children are arrows.  The purpose of an arrow is to defeat the enemy.  Arrows were never created to remain in the quiver.   They were also never meant to be dull.   A dull arrow is simply for appearance and arrows created for appearance only – never win wars.   It is my observation that most parents are more concerned about their arrow’s appearance than they are with their arrow’s sharpness.   Evaluate your weaponry.  What is the spiritual condition of your arrows?   If you have 3 in your quiver, how “sharp” are they?   Could you release them into the culture war with confidence that they would positively impact the culture for Christ?   If you are not able to fully release them yet (due to age), are you working diligently to sharpen them for the day they will be released?   If you think the Christian parent’s goal in life is simply to fill your quiver with no responsibility to sharpen the arrows entrusted in your care, you are not only sadly mistaken but have also done nothing to help the rest of us win this cultural battle.

You are a warrior.  “Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth.”  If the children are the arrows, then the parents are the warriors.  Do you see yourself as a warrior?  Do you act like one?   As a warrior for Christ, what role are you playing in this culture war?   Does the culture of your workplace, local school district, community or city know that if they violate God’s standard, then they are going to have to answer to God’s warrior in these matters?  The culture wages war every day and very few Christian warriors do anything about it.

Sharpened arrows fly with confidence.  “…they will not be ashamed when they speak with their enemies in the gate.”   When you become the warrior God calls you to be and when you (in the power of the Holy Spirit) do all you can to sharpen (equip) them for this cultural battle, the result is confidence.   A sharp arrow released by a true warrior flies with confidence.   A dull arrow released by a coward barely gets off the ground.  Part of the reason Christianity in America is limping today is because too many Christians apologize for their faith instead of defending it.   You try to storm the banks of Normandy with a water gun.   You attempt to defend Fort Sumter with a rubber bullet.  When Christian parents inadequately equip their children to be the arrows that God desires for them to be, we all lose ground.

How sharp are your arrows, warrior?   Could you release them, even today, with confidence that they would make a difference for Christ?

The Jesus Rider

rodarters

When you invite a guest speaker or band to “perform” at one of your events, the invited person/party usually has a “rider” (list of do’s and don’ts that must be adhered to) that needs to be read and signed before they will agree to participate.

Many of these speakers, artists and musicians have riders that are completely outrageous.  Here are some examples of “ridiculous riders” that have been recorded.  Among other requests, these artists also required:

  • Van Halen, demanded that all brown M&M’s be removed from the group’s candy bowl.
  • Beyoncé demands her dressing room be kept at exactly 78 degrees.
  • Adele requires 6 metal teaspoons in her dressing room while banning organic honey.
  • Kanye’s rider asks for a barber’s chair, Carmex lip balm, and shower shoes.
  • Taylor Swift requires the following Starbucks drinks if she is arriving before 11 am:

    1 Grande ICED Caramel Latte w/ 2 sweet-n-lows
    1 Grande ICED Americano w/ 2 sweet-n-lows with soy milk

  • Comedian Will Farrell’s rider includes 1 Electric three wheel mobility scooter and 1 rainbow (can be painted on canvas) on wheels.

This led me to wonder what it would be like if Jesus, the Son of God, had a “rider.”   The following list might be on Jesus’ rider:

    1. Must have a 12 ounce glass of water at the podium. I promise not to change it to wine during My talk.
    2. Must have at least 5,000 in attendance at each event. Do not expect Me to feed them!
    3. Must keep all children away from Me while I am “on stage”. I cannot have them bothering Me when I am trying to speak or heal people.
    4. When I am taking a nap… I am taking a nap! Do not let any of your people wake Me up for some reason like bad weather, sinking ships, etc.
    5. I want five people praying for Me as I speak. Please make sure that none of the five are part of Peter’s Narcoleptic Support Group.
    6. In spite of my Omnipresence, the sponsor shall provide transportation to and from the town where I will be speaking.
    7. Because of recent “problems,” I do not travel with Rent-A-Donkey so please do not book Me there.
    8. If I am expected to walk across a lake to an engagement it is assumed that the sponsor will clearly mark where the stones are for Me to do so with ease.
    9. Please provide sufficient “security” so that no one may get close enough to touch My cloak.
    10. Please do not have a spotlight shining in My eyes. I am the Light of the world. I do not need your sorry light.
    11. Do not worry about bringing a sound system. I have a tendency to speak loud enough so ALL people can hear Me.
    12. When delivering the expected honorarium, please DO NOT give the money to Judas.  Yes, I am serious.
    13. If I happen to give a parable during My talk, I am only going to explain it once. If the audience still does not get it they are more than welcome to buy My cliff notes which can be found in the back at My concession stand.
    14. I expect that My concessions “stand” will not be placed in the temple. I hate overturning My own tables.
    15. My Father will not let Me sign autographs in anyone’s Bible.
    16. I refuse to do any Bob Marley impersonations.
    17. I understand that my opening act of raising the dead is powerful but please let your audience know (in advance) that Elvis cannot be raised. He is not dead anyway. He lives in Iowa. Shhh.
    18. Due to My contract with Zondervan Publishing Company, I may not help any of you find Waldo.
    19. For an additional $300.00 shekels, I can guarantee you the weather you want.
    20. When I enter town, I expect to stay at a four star (****) Hotel.  Inn’s and stables are definitely out.
    21. When I give the closing prayer, if I see anyone peeking… they are in big trouble.
    22. When I give an altar call, normally everyone comes forward.
    23. At no point during the entire event may any musician or band play the following songs: (“Friends” by Michael W. Smith, “Just as I am” or “Kum by Yah”)
    24. During the Q&A time, I refuse to answer the following questions:
        “How much would could a wood chuck chuck—blah blah blah!”
        “Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?”
        “Can your Dad make a rock too big for Him to lift?”
        “Are you republican or a democrat?”
        “Where is Noah’s Ark?”
        “Where was Obama born?”

 

The Application to date my daughter

rodarters

Revised by Rod Arters (though much was borrowed by many other sources) 

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a one-time $99 processing fee, complete financial statement, job history, lineage and current medical report.

 General Information:

Name: _______________________________

Date of Birth: _________________________

(If you were born before the year 1999, you are too old for my daughter)

Height: ___________ (if under 5’6″, please discontinue application)

IQ: _________ (if under 135, please discontinue application)

Weight: __________    GPA: _____ (if under 3.8, please discontinue application)

Do you own a belt?  (if no, please discontinue application)

Social Security #: _______________________

Drivers License #: ________________________   (If you do not possess a drivers license, please discontinue application)

Detailed driving record:

______ # of accidents

______ # speeding tickets

_____  # parking tickets

______ TOTAL

(If the sum total is a number greater than “0”, please discontinue application)

Year, Make & Model of vehicle: _______________________________________

(If you do not own a vehicle or it is a luxury van, RV or any vehicle with a bed, please discontinue application)

Boy Scout Rank & Badges: __________________________________________

Home Address: __________________________________________________

Do you have a full-time job?   _____ YES   ______ NO  (if no, please discontinue application)

Accessories:

Do you have any tattoos?                               _____ YES     _____ NO

Do you have any piercings?                           _____ YES     _____ NO

(This includes nose, earrings, tongue, cheeks or belly button)

Do you own a waterbed?                               _____ YES     _____ NO

Do you own a truck with oversized tires?  _____ YES     _____ NO

Do you own a gun?                                         _____ YES     _____ NO

Do you have a criminal record?                   _____ YES     _____ NO

(If you answered “YES” to any of these questions, please discontinue application)

References:

What is the name of the church you attend?  _______________________________

How many times a week do you attend? _________

When would the best time to interview your:

1)      Father?                        _________________

2)      Mother?                       _________________

3)      Pastor?                         _________________

4)      Parole Officer?            _________________

(If you have a parole officer, please discontinue application immediately)

Essay Section:

1)      In 50 words or less, what does the word “LATE” mean to you?

2)      In 50 words or less, what does “DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” mean to you?

3)      In 50 words or less, what does “ABSTINENCE” mean to you?

4)    In 50 words or less, what does “PUBLIC PLACE” mean to you?

Short Answer Section:

(Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely as all answers are confidential)

1)      If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be my: _____________

2)      If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: __________________

3)      A woman’s place is in the: ________________________________________

4)      The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________

5)      IF I grow up, I want to become a: __________________________________

6)      When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice first is her: ___________________

(If this is a body part, please discontinue application immediately)

7)      What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _________________________

(if you know this, please discontinue application immediately)

I swear that all information supplied above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, crucifixion, electrocution, waterboarding, or red hot pokers.

Applicant’s Signature:______________________________________________

Father’s Signature: _______________ Mother’s Signature: ___________________

Pastor’s Signature: _______________ Congressman’s Signature: _______________

In the space below, please provide finger prints, inked in your own blood for Homeland Security Identity Referencing & DNA sampling:

Thank you for your interest.

Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. (Do not expect a letter)

In the unlikely event that you will be accepted, please read “Daddy’s Dating Rules”.

Daddy’s Dating Rules:

RULE ONE:

If you pull into my driveway and honk, you had better be delivering a package because you are sure not picking up anything in my house that evening.

RULE TWO:

You may only look at my daughter’s eyes.  If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

RULE THREE:

Though it is fashionable by today’s standards to wear your pants below your rear, this is not acceptable attire while dating my daughter.  Should you have trouble keeping your pants “up” in the appropriate spot (which, by the way, is just below your armpits) – I will gladly staple them where they need to be.

RULE FOUR:

When I communicate with you – here are the correct answers to my questions:

1)      Question: When will you have my daughter back?

Answer: early

2)      Question: Will you kiss my daughter goodnight?

Answer: Only if I want my lips removed from my mouth.

3)      Question: When is it ok to touch my daughter?

Answer: Only when I am pushing her out of the way of a moving vehicle about to hit her. 

4)      Question: What are the appropriate titles to address me?

Answer: Your Honor, Your Majesty, Sir

5)      Question: When there is a misunderstanding between you and my daughter, who is right?

Answer: She is.

RULE FIVE:

If you make my daughter cry, I will make you cry.   Any questions?

RULE SIX:

The following places are never appropriate with my daughter:

  • Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
  • Places where there is darkness.
  • Places where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness.
  • Places where the temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, sweaters or goose down parka – zipped up to her throat.
  • Movies with romantic or sexual themes are forbidden.  Movies which feature torture or chainsaws are acceptable.
  • Places where you are alone or outside of my field of vision.

Preferred places would be:

  • My living room
  • Front pew of church
  • Police stations
  • Nursing Homes

RULE SEVEN:

Regardless of my age, appearance or physique, I can still take you.

RULE EIGHT:

Never lie to me. Consider me the all knowing, merciless god of your universe.  If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one opportunity to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind the house.  Do not trifle with me.

RULE NINE:

Be afraid of me.  Very afraid.  The sound of your car in my driveway will always remind me of a chopper coming over the sand dune in Desert Storm.   As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight.  Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car in a serpentine fashion.  There is no need for you to come inside or to the door.   The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Welcome to my cloud in the blogosphere

rodarters

I have been writing since age 5.   First it was just my name.  Then it was basic sentences in grade school (“See spot run”).   Eventually it was long essays in middle school followed by even longer term papers in high school.   One such paper was a 10 page (minimum) paper on a favorite United States President.   I waxed eloquent for 12 pages about Abraham Lincoln.   The teacher graded my paper (AND somehow 22 others!!) in a 45 minute period in the dark while we watched some boring filmstrip (remember those?) about something in history.   Before we left class that day, I discovered three things:

  1. The class finds it really funny when you “pick” someones nose on the big screen while the teacher isn’t looking.
  2. I get good grades when I write.  I got an “A+” for my Abe Lincoln filibuster.
  3. No one really reads what I write (which is sadly, directly correlated to #2)

And thus… my writing career began.

After high school, I retired my #2 pencil and graduated to the keyboard.  Writing became even more fun and fast.  I went on to college and wrote dozens of other papers with mostly positive results.  Along the way, I quickly realized the importance of spell check.   I no longer had to re-read my boring writing and check for errors, I simply could let the spell checker do the work for me.   That is, until my Freshman year English class fiasco.

After procrastinating on a 20+ pager due tomorrow, I wrote the paper in less than 24 hours.   With only 30 minutes to spare before the deadline, I needed to print it out and walk (aka sprint) across campus to submit it in time.  I hit “save” and it asked if I wanted to spell check the document.  Of course!  It then asked if I wanted to make changes.  Of course!  I blindly hit “yes” to everything, printed it out and was on my way.

A week later, the professor handed back the papers… all except mine.  When he asked who did not receive their paper back, naturally – my hand went up.   “Ah, yes.  That makes sense.  Why don’t you come up and get your paper?”, he said with a devilish smirk on his face.  I grabbed the paper and my mouth dropped open.

Somehow, I signed the paper, “Rod Arters” and evil spell check turned it into, “Rodent Arteries”.

Spell check: 1, Rod: 0

By the way, I received a “B” on that paper.   The professor thought the content was excellent but could not give an “A” to someone who couldn’t spell their own name.  =sigh=

Welcome to my blog.   🙂

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