Revised by Rod Arters (though much was borrowed by many other sources)
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a one-time $99 processing fee, complete financial statement, job history, lineage and current medical report.
Date of Birth: _________________________
(If you were born before the year 1999, you are too old for my daughter)
Height: ___________ (if under 5’6″, please discontinue application)
IQ: _________ (if under 135, please discontinue application)
Weight: __________ GPA: _____ (if under 3.8, please discontinue application)
Do you own a belt? (if no, please discontinue application)
Social Security #: _______________________
Drivers License #: ________________________ (If you do not possess a drivers license, please discontinue application)
Detailed driving record:
______ # of accidents
______ # speeding tickets
_____ # parking tickets
(If the sum total is a number greater than “0”, please discontinue application)
Year, Make & Model of vehicle: _______________________________________
(If you do not own a vehicle or it is a luxury van, RV or any vehicle with a bed, please discontinue application)
Boy Scout Rank & Badges: __________________________________________
Home Address: __________________________________________________
Do you have a full-time job? _____ YES ______ NO (if no, please discontinue application)
Do you have any tattoos? _____ YES _____ NO
Do you have any piercings? _____ YES _____ NO
(This includes nose, earrings, tongue, cheeks or belly button)
Do you own a waterbed? _____ YES _____ NO
Do you own a truck with oversized tires? _____ YES _____ NO
Do you own a gun? _____ YES _____ NO
Do you have a criminal record? _____ YES _____ NO
(If you answered “YES” to any of these questions, please discontinue application)
What is the name of the church you attend? _______________________________
How many times a week do you attend? _________
When would the best time to interview your:
1) Father? _________________
2) Mother? _________________
3) Pastor? _________________
4) Parole Officer? _________________
(If you have a parole officer, please discontinue application immediately)
1) In 50 words or less, what does the word “LATE” mean to you?
2) In 50 words or less, what does “DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” mean to you?
3) In 50 words or less, what does “ABSTINENCE” mean to you?
4) In 50 words or less, what does “PUBLIC PLACE” mean to you?
Short Answer Section:
(Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely as all answers are confidential)
1) If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be my: _____________
2) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: __________________
3) A woman’s place is in the: ________________________________________
4) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________
5) IF I grow up, I want to become a: __________________________________
6) When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice first is her: ___________________
(If this is a body part, please discontinue application immediately)
7) What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _________________________
(if you know this, please discontinue application immediately)
I swear that all information supplied above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, crucifixion, electrocution, waterboarding, or red hot pokers.
Father’s Signature: _______________ Mother’s Signature: ___________________
Pastor’s Signature: _______________ Congressman’s Signature: _______________
In the space below, please provide finger prints, inked in your own blood for Homeland Security Identity Referencing & DNA sampling:
Thank you for your interest.
Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. (Do not expect a letter)
In the unlikely event that you will be accepted, please read “Daddy’s Dating Rules”.
Daddy’s Dating Rules:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you had better be delivering a package because you are sure not picking up anything in my house that evening.
You may only look at my daughter’s eyes. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Though it is fashionable by today’s standards to wear your pants below your rear, this is not acceptable attire while dating my daughter. Should you have trouble keeping your pants “up” in the appropriate spot (which, by the way, is just below your armpits) – I will gladly staple them where they need to be.
When I communicate with you – here are the correct answers to my questions:
1) Question: When will you have my daughter back?
2) Question: Will you kiss my daughter goodnight?
Answer: Only if I want my lips removed from my mouth.
3) Question: When is it ok to touch my daughter?
Answer: Only when I am pushing her out of the way of a moving vehicle about to hit her.
4) Question: What are the appropriate titles to address me?
Answer: Your Honor, Your Majesty, Sir
5) Question: When there is a misunderstanding between you and my daughter, who is right?
Answer: She is.
If you make my daughter cry, I will make you cry. Any questions?
The following places are never appropriate with my daughter:
- Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
- Places where there is darkness.
- Places where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness.
- Places where the temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, sweaters or goose down parka – zipped up to her throat.
- Movies with romantic or sexual themes are forbidden. Movies which feature torture or chainsaws are acceptable.
- Places where you are alone or outside of my field of vision.
Preferred places would be:
- My living room
- Front pew of church
- Police stations
- Nursing Homes
Regardless of my age, appearance or physique, I can still take you.
Never lie to me. Consider me the all knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one opportunity to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid of me. Very afraid. The sound of your car in my driveway will always remind me of a chopper coming over the sand dune in Desert Storm. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car in a serpentine fashion. There is no need for you to come inside or to the door. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.