When I was about 13 years of age, I developed a forked tongue. At home, I spoke in a manner that was pleasing to my parents. Outside the home, my vocabulary shrunk and 4 letter words dripped off my tongue like honey. When I used the forbidden words at school, I thought I was cool. After all, a lot of my friends spoke the same way. When I was home, I was nervous that an “F-bomb” would slip out of my mouth and my cover would be blown. As I look back, this may have been the beginning stages of me eventually living a double life.
As a teenager, I found myself living with a lot of anger – dealing with difficult life circumstances thrust upon me (my Dad’s death, my Mom’s remarriage, moving schools, etc). I didn’t know how to process it or handle it and my anger and frustration about my situation tempted me to express it verbally with a string of expletives. In some ways, I felt a sense of control in my decision to curse. Whereas I could not control the chaos in my home, I could control how I spoke and enjoyed the feeling of being able to say adult words – even when I knew I shouldn’t. But along the cursing way, something interesting happened…
As I was growing accustomed to cursing, deep down it never made sense to me. The 4 letter words seemed unnatural coming out of my mouth. With each word I used, I felt like I was ignoring the intelligent side of my brain. As I looked at those who cursed around me – they never seemed like the most intelligent in the room. Slowly, I began to equate ignorance with cursing. I began to view those that cursed as having a limited vocabulary – and that seemed very unattractive to me – a future wordsmith. As I cursed, I began to experience this uneasy feeling. On one hand, I enjoyed the release of anger that the curse words seemed to help with. On the other hand, I realized that others probably thought I had a limited vocabulary too. Knowing I did not, this bothered me.
And then one day, I actually thought about what I was saying in the heat of the moment. This single-handedly stopped me dead in my tracks. In one enlightening moment, I realized just how silly most of my curse-filled sentences really were. If you are honest, you have to admit that most of the curse words/phrases that are used are completely nonsensical. Only when you stop and actually hear what is being said, do you begin to realize just how foolish it sounds, not just to your own ears but undoubtedly to others who are listening.
Here are a few I heard just recently. Out of respect for others, I will “BLEEP” out the curse word. You get the idea…
- “That tastes like (BLEEP)!”
- “She’s cool as (BLEEP)”
- “What the (BLEEP) is he doing?”
- “What a (BLEEPING) idiot!”
- God’s name in vain. (Can someone explain to me why we do this? Why is God’s name “damned” while Satan, Allah, or Buddha never get cursed out? Why in the world do we blame God for traffic jams, stubbed toes, missed flights, and bad news? Even if it was His “fault,” does trashing His name {one of the 10 commandments, mind you} suddenly warm His heart to motivate His help towards our situation?)
I have been on both ends of the foul language spectrum. I have heard (and given) all the arguments for why cursing is acceptable/necessary, etc. “Sometimes,” the argument goes, “a curse word is the only thing that can adequately express how you are feeling in that instance.” While I understand the sentiment behind that statement, I disagree with it wholeheartedly. It may be your current choice of emotional release but to say it is the ONLY way to communicate in that setting is a cop-out. When we are upset, frustrated or angry – we tend to justify (in our head) all kinds of actions (smoking, over-eating, physical violence, porn, drinking, gambling, verbal abuse, etc.). Just because that is how we normally handle our stress does not mean it’s the ONLY way to handle it. As a recovering curse-aholic – I have come to realize there is a better way.
One of the original purposes of this blog is to provoke thought. From it’s inception, it has certainly done that as I have received a fair share of criticism for the various opinions I have expressed. This particular post will be no different as I am knowingly stepping on many people’s idol and common practice. Even so, I want to leave you with a thought-provoking list of 7 reasons why you shouldn’t be cursing, regardless of who you are or what’s going on around you.
- Cursing is inappropriate and offensive. Granted, not everyone in earshot will find it offensive but across the board – it offends more people than it does not. For this reason, we tend to find ourselves only cursing in certain environments and around certain people. How we speak around children, the elderly and authority normally reveals what we think is most appropriate. Most people will refuse to curse around those three people groups, thus proving my point – cursing is generally inappropriate and offensive.
- Cursing is a bad example. We know this. This is why we often will change our language around those younger or more impressionable than us. Deep down, we recognize that what we are doing (or saying) is not “good” and we don’t want to be the one to teach a younger set of ears a certain word/phrase or vocabulary.
- Cursing degrades & disrespects your audience. Words are like toothpaste, once they are out of the “tube,” you can never take them back. Negative words have the power to really destroy someone’s morale, esteem & confidence. Since cursing normally occurs during a time of extreme frustration or anger, this is why we like to use them. It is our way of not only releasing our pent up anger, but we can hurt our intended target much quicker with a few choice words. But consider what happens in the process when you choose to curse at someone. The reason you are tempted to curse is usually because they hurt or frustrated you with something they said or did. Intentionally or unintentionally, their hurtful words or actions created in you a desire to hurt back. Unfortunately, this is human nature: hurt people hurt people. Even if what they did/said was intentional, how does retaliating with negative words help the situation or the relationship? It merely exasperates the situation, complicates the solution and further alienates the relationship. Instead of choosing to take the harder moral high road, you become just like them – even if your choice of weapon is a bit different.
- Cursing points to a diminished intelligence. Although I know I will receive criticism on this point, hear me out. Granted, there are many highly intelligent people that curse. Perhaps this particular point does not apply to you. However, may I suggest that when we curse we temporarily suspend our intellectual acumen when we use language that reflects a lack of education, vocabulary or intelligence? Your choice of vulgar words normally points to a diminished intelligence, verbal laziness or darker heart – none of which are very flattering for the intelligent being you think you are.
- Cursing is a spiritual barometer. Jesus made this clear when He said, “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” (Luke 6:45) In other words, the words we say are drawn from the well of our heart. Loving words come from a loving heart. Angry words come from an angry heart. Impatient words come from an impatient heart. Nothing reveals what’s going on in our hearts more accurately and consistently than by listening to what is coming out of our mouths. So, take your spiritual temperature. What comes out of your mouth most days? Encouragement? Love? Patience? Praise? Or is it merely cursing, complaints, crude conversation, etc? James, the brother of Jesus, said it best, “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.” (James 3:9-12)
- Cursing enflames conversations. Throwing water on a fire puts the flames out. Throwing gasoline on a flame merely creates more heat. Cursing is the gasoline of conversation. As Solomon once penned, “A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1) Talking through opposing opinions is hard enough with kind language. Why add unnecessary fuelant when water is needed?
- Cursing is unnecessary. Only the proponents of cursing will argue with this point. What value does cursing bring to any conversation? There are plenty of words in the English language (or any language for that matter) to express your current level of frustration or anger. You don’t HAVE TO use the words in the bottom of the vocabulary barrel to communicate your point.
The Bible refers to the tongue as a “restless evil, full of deadly poison.” (James 3:8) For many, a loose tongue is the epicenter of ruined relationships. The Greek sage, Publius, once said, “I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.” How many of us can echo that sentiment? In the book that bares his name, James warns us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” (1:19). Perhaps we were given two ears and one mouth for a reason.
If you struggle with keeping your tongue in check, remember that language flows from the well of your heart. Work on your well and begin filling it with better water. You may have to stop listening to certain music or watching certain shows. You may have to stop reading certain books or spending time with certain people. Do whatever it takes to improve your well as you are not the only one who drinks from it. And consciously change your vocabulary. Decide now what words you will say when you are triggered to curse. Instead of using a bad phrase, replace it with a good one. As unnatural and stupid as it might feel in the beginning, the results are worth the effort.
As many of you know, I used to travel in some pretty judgmental circles. I used to dwell around “perfect” people. I was perched atop a pretty high pedestal at one point in my life. Over time, I became a full-fledged hypocrite and a pretty good Pharisee. Even though cursing was listed on my moral rap sheet, in typical hypocritical fashion I looked down upon those who cursed. And then my “perfect” world came crashing down and I was forced to look at my sinful face in a holy mirror. I realized that I am just a sinful person who happens to struggle like every other person on this planet. My struggle might be “X” while yours may be “Y” but it doesn’t make one struggle or person better than another. We all have our struggles and thankfully cursing isn’t my struggle anymore. It doesn’t have to be yours either.
On a windswept hill in an English country churchyard stands a drab, gray slate tombstone. The quaint stone bears a sad, yet powerful epitaph. The faint etchings read:
- Beneath this stone, a lump of clay,
- Lies Arabella Young,
- Who on the twenty-fourth of May,
- Began to hold her tongue.
Don’t wait for the grave to tame your tongue. The consequences of loose lips has a price tag you don’t really want to pay.
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29)
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