Category: Christian

School shootings and what they teach us about security

rodarters

school security guardAs I write this, I am on a business trip to Sheppards Air Force Base in Wichita Falls, TX. Before I entered the base, I drove through a military checkpoint where my car was visually searched and my credentials were thoroughly checked by an armed guard. Every military installation in the country has a similar procedure for all who enter their base. On November 5, 2009, in spite of all of these security precautions, a single gunman was able to get past all forms of base security. In a few terrifying moments, 13 were killed and 29 wounded in one of the most secure places on American soil, Fort Hood, the most populous US military installation in the world. To this day, it is the worst shooting ever to take place on an American military base.

This morning, a single gunman got past the “security system” of an elementary school in Newtown, CT and opened fire on students, teachers and administrators before killing himself. (By security system, I mean the doors were locked and could only be opened after being “buzzed in.”  Denied entrance, he broke through a window.) In a few terrifying moments, over 27 are dead with at least 20 of them being students under the age of seven.

Today, my son turned seven years old. He is a first grader at an elementary school that does not have a high-tech security system. In fact, at his school, they don’t even lock the doors.  Many Wednesdays at 10:15am, I walk through the unlocked front doors and head to the main office to “sign in” to have lunch with my son. Less than 10 steps past those doors is the cafeteria where several hundred students eat lunch at one time in one place. As a parent, after today’s tragic event, you can see where my thoughts are going.  Though the school does have a police presence both morning and afternoon, it is far from secure.  And in the school’s defense, how can it be?  The killer in CT smashed through a window.  In spite of locked doors he forced his way in.  The shooter at Fort Hood was not only a soldier on base, but a practicing psychiatrist. Psychiatrists are supposed to help the crazy, not be crazy themselves. The point is, no security in the world can stop every crime committed by those hell-bent on evil.

In the next few weeks we will be hearing more about the need for more police, more cameras, more locks, more metal detectors, more parental chaperones on school campuses. Even if all of these things are installed, will it even help? I am well-known by the staff at my son’s elementary school. Teachers and administrators know me by name. Every day they see me cheerfully pick up my son from school.  Many Wednesdays they see a loving father have lunch with his son.  There would be no reason for them not to trust me.  I do not appear unstable in any way.  And yet, with such unhindered access, I could (if I wanted to) cause unspeakable horror to their student body.  And what about the teachers?  Or their staff? Countless millions of trusted individuals work with our nation’s youth and in our country’s school systems. Is it possible for any school to fully protect every child from someone bent on doing wrong?

It’s hard enough to protect ourselves from the evil outside the walls of our homes, churches, malls and schools. How can any school, church, mall or public arena even begin to protect themselves from the evil within?  There are simply not enough police, cameras or locks to prevent terrorists from creating terror.

Just as we have witnessed with previous school shootings, the shooting at the Colorado movie theatre, the various mall slayings and now the elementary school tragedy, we are once again forced to face our greatest problem in America today. It is not the lack of police, the lack of education or the lack of locks. We do not lack staffing or cameras or even metal detectors. We lack the ability to protect ourselves from ourselves and it is quickly costing our personal freedom.

I flew one of the major airlines to reach my destination this week. Like thousands before me, I moved at the pace of herding cattle through the security checkpoint in the airport. I was forced to take off my shoes, belt and jacket and stand in an awkward position as the X-ray machine spun around me. Just before I was deemed “safe” by the TSA, there was an obvious issue with the people in front of me. A young couple was being searched by security because of their baby stroller. Either the baby, the stroller or the diaper bag had raised a concern and everyone behind them were now delayed. Ten minutes went by and I am standing there, half-naked, waiting to reunite with my dignity. Thanks to 9-11, this scene has become the norm, throughout every airport in the country.

Today, was the 9-11 of our school system.  Though the previous school shootings have certainly impacted our national psyche and have created a movement of security, nothing hits closer to home than watching little children gunned down in what’s supposed to be a safe haven of learning. The few minutes of terror experienced in that elementary school in Connecticut will be a defining moment in our country’s school system. Parents across the country will demand for security changes to their various schools. I imagine even my access to my own son will change by next Wednesday because of what happened today.

Our prayers go out to the families of the victims. Our thoughts go out to the hundreds of families whose upcoming Christmas morning will be tainted by today’s horrific events. In spite of this, let us not lose hope.

Though Judas betrayed Jesus. Though Peter denied Christ. Though the disciples deserted their Rabbi. Though the Jews killed their King. Though the inner circle acted like the outer enemy. The trusted committed treason.  What others may intend for evil, God can turn for good.  May God somehow do what He does best in these terrible situations, create triumph from tragedy – even days away from our nation’s most beloved holiday.

And may we finally recognize where our nation’s security really lies.  It’s not in our military or our checkpoints or our metal detectors, police, locks or cameras. Through their best efforts, they continually fail us.  Our security can only be found in One place and sadly our schools only request His help on days like today.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble.” – Psalm 46:1

Things I need: water, food, an iPad, etc.

rodarters

There are some things in life that seem to constantly elude us.   They may not elude all of us all of the time but they certainly can have a slippery aspect to them and make each hard to grab at different points in our lives.  Things like: Love, money, patience, employment, friends, good hair days, “luck” (if you believe in that), good looks, fresh breath, trust, time, health, children, sleep, approval, etc.

We all know at least one person who is missing one (or more) of these treasured items.   In fact, if we are honest, we may be missing a few of these ourselves.  As hard as we try, we are still impatient.  As much as we search, we can’t find love.  No matter how many jobs we get – we can’t make enough money.  Make up or make-overs can’t ultimately change our looks.  Some people have bad breath and swallowing a gallon of Listerine can’t change it.  Past betrayal may make future trust seem impossible.   Why is it so hard to lose that final 10 lbs or get rid of that chronic ache?  It can get frustrating when the one thing (or the six things) you want just never end up in your grasp.

We are born discontented.  We come out of the womb crying and unhappy.  To the infant, there is no difference between “want” and “need.”  They want milk because they need milk.  They want to be held because they need to be held.  Want and need feels the same to a baby.   As we mature, we understand the difference between “want” and “need”.   Intellectually, we know that we NEED food but we WANT an iPad.   ipadHowever, though we understand this difference intellectually, we do not necessarily articulate this difference verbally.   Our words betray our misunderstanding when we find ourselves saying things like, “I NEED an iPad.” Granted, we don’t really NEED an iPad but the fact that we say that we do blurs the line and creates the feeling of discontent.  We create the same confusion when we say things like, “I’m starving.”  Yes, we need food to survive but that sentence is never said out of need, but want.   Most Americans don’t know what it means to actually starve.   Hunger pains are not the same as starvation.  No one ever died from missing one meal.  We allow our “wants” to fool us into thinking they are actually “needs” and when we do not receive the perceived want, we become discontented and the chase is on.

As adults, it doesn’t seem to matter what we put in our mouths – our appetite continues.  We are constantly chasing something.  A rich man has money but maybe lacks a relationship with his children.  A poor man can obtain love but not pay his electric bill.  A woman can have beauty but still lack security while an elderly man can have wisdom but lack health.  One couple wants one baby while another couple wants two more.  We all want more time.  Our pockets feel perpetually empty even when they are filled.  It seems that there is always something else we want.  There is always something out there that we think will make our life more complete.  If I could just have ____________ (fill in the blank), THEN I would be truly happy.   Truly satisfied.  Isn’t that how we feel most of the time?  Isn’t that why marketing companies and TV commercials and radio advertisements are so effective?   Every company recognizes that you are missing SOMETHING and their product or service will help you get it.

Methods change but human nature does not.  Our wants and needs in the past are still our wants and needs today.  What Adam searched for outside the Garden, we still search for with our Garmin.  Eve’s longings yesterday are still Eve’s longings today.  Today, most people tie their happiness to their circumstances.  If life is going the way they want, they are happy.  If they are missing or lacking something, they are sad, depressed or consumed by what they are missing.   If happiness, joy and peace are only obtained by getting what we want, no wonder everyone seems to be depressed all the time.

I have had the privilege of traveling to several third world countries.   I have been to the jungles of Ecuador.  I have walked the poorest streets of the Dominican Republic.  I have seen the “garbage dump communities” in Guatemala City.  Even in America, I have spent time in several “ghettos” in some of our major cities.  Once I even spent the night in a homeless shelter in Washington, D.C.  I have been with the poorest of the poor and have witnessed abject poverty first hand.

Years ago I used to sponsor a child through an organization called Compassion International.  For $25 dollars a month, my donation would help a child from a poor village receive an education, give his family money for better clothes, better food, better opportunities.  The child I sponsored was a nine-year old boy named Elvis and Elvis lived in one of the poorest communities in the Dominican Republic.  For years, Elvis and I would send letters to each other (through Compassion’s translators) and talk about our families.  He would tell me about what he was learning in school and how my assistance was giving him an opportunity to change his life.

Through Compassion International, I arranged a visit with Elvis in the D.R..  After years of financial support and correspondence, I was finally going to meet my sponsored child – who was now 16.  I was not prepared for what I was about to see.  Though my support did give him opportunities that he would not have had access to otherwise, he was still living in a poor home in a poor village.  When I met his mother, she could not stop smiling.  You could tell, through the language barrier, that she was struggling to find a way to thank me for my contribution.  As I entered her home, she offered me a tall glass of something pink.  The glass was dirty.  I accepted the glass and faked a sip.  (We were instructed to drink nothing unless it was offered in a sealed container.)  As she gave me a tour of their tiny home, I realized I was in a hut.  The floors were dirt.  The walls were flimsy.  If the Big Bad Wolf was outside, I was surely his next meal.  The roof was made of soup cans.  Literally soup cans.  The cans were cut and flattened and placed like shingles on the roof.   Obviously, there was no insulation.   The entire 4 bedroom hut was the size of most American living rooms.  There were at least six people living there.   Honestly, it was difficult to be there.   Everywhere I looked I saw living conditions that were deplorable.  We wouldn’t let our pets stay where these people lived.  As I walked through their home, it was hard not to cry.  I held back tears as I saw where they slept.  I held back tears as I looked at their “kitchen.”.   I held back tears when I saw how happy they were – with virtually nothing.  On the wall of one of the bedrooms, were two pictures.  One was a framed cross-stitched image of a house.  It was not something any American would hang prominently in their home.  In fact, unless it was made by someone important to you, it would never be featured on any wall on any home in America.  This was her prized art.   It looked like something you would reject in the free pile of a yard sale and she had it hanging as a way to decorate her place.   Next to it was a picture of me.  ME!?  I had travelled 1500 miles from my home to find a picture of me on someone’s wall.  As I stared at her artwork, she took the framed cross-stitched house and offered it to me.

Are you kidding me???

I had more money in my pocket than she had in her life and she was going to give me her prized possession?   No way.  I couldn’t accept it.  And then I realized that her kind gesture had never happened to me before.  I had been in hundreds of American homes commenting on numerous items on people’s walls and no one, not one, had ever taken it off the wall to give to me.   By the same token, I have never offered any of my prized possessions to anyone either.   She had little and offered what she had freely.  By contrast, I have everything and refuse to part with any of it.   It was at that point, I realized just how poor I really was.   The one to be pitied was not her, but me.

The experience reminded me of an ancient letter I had read just a few days before my trip.  The letter, by the Apostle Paul, was written about 62 A.D. from a prison cell, most likely in Rome.   Prisons in Rome were not the humane housing they are today.   This cell would have been cold, dark, damp and dirty.  It was also subterranean, approximately twelve feet underground.  Prisoners, their guards, and their provisions were lowered through an opening the size of a manhole.  Iron shackles were fixed to the walls.  The only available light would be from a torch.   The Roman historian, Sallust, described the Roman prison as “disgusting and horrible, by reason of the filth, darkness and stench.”   It was in this environment that Paul penned the following words:

  • “Do everything without grumbling or arguing…” (Philippians 2:14)
  •  “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” (4:6)
  • “…Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (4:8)
  • “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” (11-13)

What is your life lacking?   What are you missing?  Probably a lot less than Paul’s at that time.   And yet he is encouraging others not to grumble or complain.  He reminds his friends to not be anxious about anything.  He challenges us all to pray.  Paul could have spent his time thinking about his deplorable conditions or his current life situation.  Instead, he chose to think about things that were noble, pure and lovely.  And in the midst of his dire situation, he admits he is content in any and every situation – even in prison.

Have you learned Paul’s secret yet?   I’m working on it.  And when I start thinking about all that I don’t have and sense discontentment creeping in, I am reminded of Paul and his letters and an old Indian proverb, “I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.”

I’m blessed.  Once again, I am content.  I truly have everything I need.

Except an Ipad.   Man, I need one of those badly.

“True contentment is a thing as active as agriculture. It is the power of getting out of any situation all that there is in it. It is arduous and it is rare.” – G.K. Chesterton

“When you are discontent, you always want more, more, more. Your desire can never be satisfied. But when you practice contentment, you can say to yourself, ‘Oh yes – I already have everything that I really need.’  – Dalai Lama

Liars, cheaters, thieves and me.

rodarters

When the topic of cheating comes up, there are few people who take a neutral position. Because of the serious nature of the crime and the emotional baggage it carries, it often brings with it a very passionate reaction. Most people despise the cheater since that emotion is easier and comes naturally. After all, cheating is despicable and non-defensible. Some people offer sympathy, not just to the offended person but even to the culprit. Those who empathize can usually relate to one or the other on some experiential level or they are more in tune with their own fallen nature. A few will recognize the universal truth: hurt people hurt people. Though the offended party is understandably hurt, the cheater is not without his/her own level of pain. For many cheaters, their pain existed long before the affair and their selfish actions were born from that pain. For those that were wronged, their pain begins after the betrayal and they often do what they can to seek revenge. As I said, hurt people hurt people.

So, why do cheaters cheat? What causes them to even entertain the thought? Why do they take the risk? Do they really think they can get away with it? In a word, yes. Remarkably, every cheater who has ever cheated has done so because of two powerful reasons:

  1. Pride and
  2. They actually believe their own lies.

Cheating is the height of selfishness. In that world, there is a cheater and his/her perceived needs that must be met. Nothing else exists. In this narcissistic state of mind, there are a number of lies that must be told and believed before a cheater can even begin to think his/her plan is possible, let alone feasible. Here are the top 10 lies that must be purchased. pinocchioInterestingly, most of these lies can apply to someone who wants to rob banks, embezzle money, look at porn, or even do drugs. The “crime” doesn’t matter. The overinflated sense of self and the ability to believe their own lies are essential.

  1. I won’t get caught. This is probably the most absurd lie of them all but is truly the cornerstone of all the other lies. If this lie can be believed and swallowed, then the rest of them go down much easier. The truth is, you WILL get caught. It’s not a matter of if, but when. If the Director of the C.I.A. cannot conceal an affair, what makes you think you can?
  2. No one will ever know. This lie is similar to the first but more in-depth in its scope. Not only will you not get caught but this is a secret you can take to your grave. After all, you have all your “bases” covered. All your alibis are solid. All your stories are straight. All your text messages deleted. All your emails erased. No one will EVER find out about it. You repeat this lie over and over until you believe it. The truth is, one day, EVERYONE will know, even if that knowledge occurs after you’re gone.
  3. What they don’t know, won’t hurt them. This lie makes a lot of sense to a cheater but few cheaters would want that logic applied to them. Would you want a merchant to overcharge you for a product without your knowledge? Or worse yet, would you want a doctor to not share the diagnosis of cancer with you? I mean, if you don’t know the truth, it can’t hurt you, right? The truth is, sometimes, what people don’t know can destroy them.
  4. Everybody is doing it. This is a common phenomenon in human behavior. Thieves think others are stealing because they are. In like manner, cheaters often assume others are being unfaithful because they are. Granted, adultery is rampant in our culture. But the truth is, NOT everyone is doing it. There are many faithful, loyal men and women out there – showing the rest of us what fidelity & commitment looks like.
  5. It’s not that big of a deal. Downplay. Minimize. Reduce. Common tactics for someone who is playing Russian Roulette with a fully loaded pistol. If it’s not a big deal, then why all the lies? If it’s not that big of a deal, why the secrecy? If it’s not such a big deal, do it openly. The truth is, it IS a big deal and the knowledge of it will devastate everyone who knows you.
  6. People already know and are ignoring it. Some of the lies sound crazy once you are living in the truth. This is one of them. There are times when you are convinced that everyone knows and they are turning a “blind eye” to your behavior. This is false anesthesia to the soul. The truth is, no one is condoning your actions. They truly don’t know…yet.
  7. God will forgive me. This is a case of spiritual gymnastics. The cheater has enough knowledge of God and His word to be deadly. Yes, God will forgive all sins except unbelief (Mark 3:28-29). However, this does not mean you should presume upon His grace or forgiveness (Romans 6:15). Even if God forgives you, it does not mean you will come out unscathed by His consequences (Proverbs 6:29). The consequences for such behavior are truly devastating for everyone in your life.
  8. My spouse will forgive me. Maybe they will. Maybe they won’t. Is this the risky card you really want to play? Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation. It does not mean you will be accepted back or restored to your previous position. Forgiveness may be quick but trust will take years. You are making some dangerous assumptions about someone you are hurting.
  9. I’m not getting what I need. This may be true but cheating isn’t the answer. Just because your employer does not pay what you “need” does not mean embezzling money is the answer to that dilemma. If you are not getting what you need, tell your spouse. Go to counseling. Meet with a therapist. Attend a support group. Talk to a friend. Though cheating may scratch your itch for a season, it won’t make the itch go away. There is a deeper itch beneath the surface that cheating cannot scratch. Commit to finding the proper solution for it.
  10. It’s just a physical thing. Nope, wrong again. It’s an emotional thing. And a mental thing. And a spiritual thing. It may seem physical to you but your whole being is involved here (mind, body, spirit), not just one horny member of it.

For a cheater, most of these lies will sound familiar. They may even have a few more of their own. Some or all of them are essential to believe before the cheating begins. So important are these that you can’t continue in the destructive behavior without swallowing one or more of these pills daily.

One day, though, the truth will come out. One day, the lies you digested will make you utterly sick. One day, the world you have created will face the world that is. Reality eventually trumps fantasy and you will wake up to realize the dream is actually a nightmare. The alarm cannot be snoozed. The deeds done in darkness will eventually be exposed in the light. Each and every lie will be addressed by the Truth.

A word of caution for all the non-cheaters reading this. It’s easy to throw a judgmental rock at a cheater, particularly if one has cheated on you. It’s easy to create a “me vs. them” mentality. After all, you are better than they are since you didn’t cheat. Remove your judgmental glasses for a minute and grab a mirror. Or better yet, grab a Bible. It appears that you may not be off the hook either. According to Jesus standard of faithfulness, “anyone who looks at a woman (or man) lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28)

You may not have committed that particular “deed” but all dirty deeds start in the heart and yours isn’t as clean as you think. The only difference between your heart and theirs is they followed through on what you have already considered. Or, you just haven’t been caught yet. Or your temptations are different. Adulterous thoughts, actual affairs, and judgmental pride are all the same in God’s book. Consequences are certainly different but hearts are the same. And Jesus didn’t come to clean up behavior. He didn’t just come to pardon sinful actions. He came to change wicked hearts. And according to His standard, apparently, you have one too.

“There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one… there is no difference between the Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:11,12, 23)

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:1-3)

Our insecurities and what they can teach us

rodarters

From our earliest childhood memory, we remember singing about the beloved reindeer Rudolph and his cute little red nose.  As the story goes, Rudolph was different, born unique among the other reindeer.  Though normal in every other way, he had one feature that brought unwanted attention.  In fact, that one “birth defect” brought him immense embarrassment and his father much shame.  Though they both tried, Rudolph and his father were unsuccessful in hiding his glowing blemish.  The popular song highlights his “problem” and pain:

“Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose.   And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows.   All of the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.  They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.”

In many ways, we can relate with Rudolph.  Though we are relatively normal, we all have at least one attribute that has become a source of insecurity for us.  Many of us take great measures to hide it from view.  I have come to realize that we are an extremely insecure race.  Even though we are clearly the most intelligent and highest form of life on our planet – even made in the image of God (Genesis 1:26-27), some among us are plagued by our insecurities.

By contrast, the animal kingdom is not.  Giraffes do not feel bad about their long neck.  Frogs are not shy about their awful croak.  Panda Bears are not insecure about their weight.  Pigs do not apologize for their lack of hygiene.  Every animal seems to move around oblivious to their glaring physical oddities and thinks nothing of how they were made.  Even the ones behind a cage in a zoo seem impervious to the fact that they are being stared at BECAUSE of their particular physical attributes.  As humans, we struggle with our own insecurities when no one is watching us.  Can you imagine if we were caged and on display because of them?

Since everyone has insecurities, it is the honest people who admit to them. Transparent people reveal them to others.  Brave people face them.  Secure people embrace theirs.  Regardless of how we handle them, the important thing to remember is that everyone has some – even if they are very different from those around you.

For example, a child’s insecurities can be different from an adult’s.  A man’s insecurities are usually different from a woman’s.  The old have different ones than the young.  And for the most part, our insecurities can hinder how we view not only ourselves, but others as well.   Whether they are legitimate or not, they oftentimes cause problems within our relationships.  Like it or not, we respond (or react) through the lens of our insecurity and as a result create problems that wouldn’t otherwise be there.

Our insecurities are seemingly endless.  Some are insecure about their weight, possessing too much of it or not enough.  Others are insecure about their hair and how gray it is or how much is missing.   Some are insecure about their finances or their teeth or their physique or their relationships or their breath or their clothes or their _______________ (fill in the blank).   Even as you read this, your particular insecurity/insecurities come to the forefront of your mind.  For some of us, they were formed at a very early age and we have diligently carried them with us ever since.  Other insecurities have been with us a relatively short time and perhaps we are struggling to deal them.  Some appear as our bodies change.  Others arrive because of a comment aimed at our direction.  Many blame the media for creating a standard that no one can live up to.  Even if you successfully overcome one insecurity, another may arise days later and the fight is on again.

It is no surprise that countless companies have risen up to help us address each and every insecurity we face.  Do you have hair missing from certain sections of your head?  Try Rogaine.  Is your hair turning gray?  We have Clairol for that.  Are you shorter than you desire?  Take a human growth hormone or purchase some platform shoes.  Do you struggle with your weight?  Take Adipex, a pill known to suppress your appetite.  Or purchase a diet plan. There are dozens to choose from.  Is your skin wrinkled?  Use Retin-A, a cream that promises to remove wrinkles.  The list goes on and on.  In fact, the only thing longer than the list of our insecurities is the list of products claiming to help you overcome them. From teeth whitening to eyelash thickeners to breast enhancement to nose jobs to tanning salons – we can purchase the ointment to every insecurity ailment.  In our capitalist market, there will always be a company that is willing to take your money to help you feel better about yourself.

I have had several insecurities that I have dealt with for a number of years.  One is my life-threatening allergy to peanuts.  Though that allergy may be more common today, I had the allergy before anyone knew it existed.  Whenever you are a child and are the only one with a certain “condition”, you feel weird and are often alienated or teased.   I related to Rudolph’s isolation.

A birthday gift from a relative. Yea, I feel loved.

Since a staple food in elementary school is peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, I could not eat with my friends.  Even the smell of peanut butter could trigger an allergic reaction.  I remember eating most school lunches at the table by myself.  To a child, nothing says “You’re a freak” more than sitting by yourself in the school cafeteria lunchroom.  To complicate my already fragile self-esteem, my parents made me wear the embarrassing “Medic-Alert” bracelet.  No other child had this shackle on their wrist.  I also had to carry around an Epi-Pen – the antidote injection in case I was ever exposed to a deadly peanut.  No other child had to keep an enormous life-saving pen in their pocket.  Many times my Mom would act like the secret service and make sure the atmosphere was peanut-free before my arrival to a certain event.  I remember the humiliating feeling of sucking joy from other children’s lives after they realized they could not enjoy a peanut butter treat simply because “Rod was here.”

I have come to realize that we all need some help in addressing our insecurities.  Below are some thoughts that have helped me along the years.  Our insecurities can teach us valuable lessons, if we are willing to learn from them.  Here is what mine have taught me:

  • I’m not perfect.  I know this isn’t shocking to learn (particularly if you know me personally) but marinate on that truth for a minute.  You are not perfect either.  Nor is anyone else.  And while you struggle with your particular insecurity, just know that everyone else has their own area of imperfection to wrestle with.   Whether you are a businessman, Mother, People Magazine’s sexiest man alive, Victoria Secret model or the President of the United States, you have insecurities just like the rest of us.  In fact, some of the most attractive, intelligent, successful people have the most insecurities.
  • My self-worth is not influenced by my blemishes.  At least it shouldn’t be.  I’m not less valuable or less lovable because of my perceived “defects.”   I am simply more unique.  So what if you are shorter than your friends.  So what if you weigh more than your husband.  So what if your teeth aren’t as straight as your Dentist – you are still an important person.  You are still loved by someone.  Your life still matters.  Instead of focusing on the ONE area that you hate, spend more time thinking about the dozens of areas that are positive. Don’t let your insecurity define you.  Don’t let it steal your joy or keep you from living the abundant life God desires for you. (John 10:10)
  • My defects keep me humble.  Sometimes I entertain the thought that I’m awesome.   Occasionally I think about certain aspects about my life and like what I see.  And as I am creating “Rod for President” signs in my head and imagining the ticker tape parade in my honor – a particular insecurity will rear its ugly head and remind me to climb down from cloud 9 and enter back into the world of reality.  Though I may have some areas of my life that are going well there are other areas that are still messy.  For every three things I like about myself, I can find four that I really need to change.  The thought process keeps me humble.  In spite of my brief moments of success, I still have a long way to go.
  • My imperfections make me compassionate. It is easy to look upon the imperfections of others and look down on them or make fun of them.  Weak people do this.  Sadly, this exercise is perfected during our school years.  How many of us have hidden scars from things that were said by classmates about our childhood imperfections?  As you clearly identify your own insecurities, it should make you more compassionate as you see the imperfections of others.  Until you are perfect, you have no right pointing out the imperfections in others.  Benjamin Franklin once admonished, “Search others for their virtues, yourself for your vices.”
  • I have my particular “shiny red nose” for a reason.  It’s not an accident that I’m allergic to peanut butter or that you struggle with your weight.  For whatever reason, this particular struggle was tailor-made for us.  Our “defect” was handpicked.  Maybe mine was given to me so that I could truly discover what makes me important.  Maybe I have blemishes to keep me humble or make me more compassionate towards others?  Perhaps I have mine so that I could be in a position to help others with a similar “affliction.”   Maybe there is another kid out there who sits alone at the lunchroom table and he just needs to know that he is not as alone as he feels.

Rudolph went to great lengths to cover his red nose.  Apparently in New York City for the low-cost of $20,000, there are some painful injections I could take over a period of six months that would cure me of my peanut allergy. No thank you. I don’t need a Reese’s candy bar that badly.  But, it does raise an interesting question.  Is it wrong to try to address a particular insecurity you wrestle with?   On one hand, if God created you with that particular feature, shouldn’t we learn to embrace it and not feel we are inadequate with our current state?  But then again, we do live in an era where modern technology allows us to change the things we do not like about ourselves. It’s hard to condemn a breast enhancement when orthodontic braces are given for the same reason – a desire to improve one’s appearance.  It seems hypocritical to speak against a nose job when a gym membership is often purchased by an identical goal – vanity.  Whether it is Liposuction or Lasik eye surgery, is it wrong to try to improve the areas we view as defective – particularly since technology allows such improvements?  And even if we were to embrace our every imperfection, that does not mean everyone else will – and that is usually the root cause of our attempt to “fix” what is “wrong” with us.  Like everyone else on the planet we just want to be accepted.   At the end of the day, we all want to play in the reindeer games.

Some might question why a loving God would create us with certain afflictions.  Doesn’t He understand how “defects” will be received in our judgmental world?  Maybe from His perspective they aren’t defects at all.  Maybe what we consider a liability, He considers an asset.  While we (and others) may look upon our imperfections with disgust, God looks at His children’s differences with delight.  He didn’t make us freaks but uniques.  Perhaps our greatest perceived weakness is actually a source of great strength?   In fact, when God picks His team, He doesn’t seem to choose with the same criteria we use.  While we select people based on their assets, God prefers to select people who are plagued with liabilities.  The Apostle Paul takes notice of this in I Corinthians 1,

“Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth.  But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.  God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things — and the things that are not — to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before Him.”

Even Paul personally understood afflictions and their accompanying insecurity.  Paul was privileged to see things about God that no one else could see.  For His own reasons, God enabled Paul to witness some amazing revelations.  As a result, those revelations had a price tag.  He records his thoughts in II Corinthians 12:

“…because of these surpassingly great revelations…in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

God doesn’t choose us because we are strong or smart or attractive or intelligent or athletic or gifted or thin or rich or for any reason we choose those we love.  He doesn’t even choose us because we are good (Romans 5:8).  He chooses us in spite of our lowly condition so that we would truly understand our worth.  We are not worthy because we are inherently loveable or good.  We are worthy because He is.  He takes the unholy and makes it holy.  He takes the secular and makes it sacred.  He transforms losers into winners and the lost into found.  Only He can take something weak and make it strong.   Only He can take something old and make it new.

As far as Rudolph is concerned – nothing changed.  The nose he began with is the nose he ends with.  His nose didn’t change, his acceptance of it did.  Though his friends and family initially treated him poorly because of it, it was Santa that loved him in spite of it and showed him how his biggest insecurity was really the source of his greatest asset.  His most embarrassing feature became the cause of his highest promotion!

What perceived blemish or defect is keeping you in hiding?  What are you doing with your shiny red nose?  Perhaps it is time to embrace your imperfections and see what God can do in you and through you – in spite of it.

 

Hitting “Rock Bottom”

rodarters

Whenever you hear the phrase “rock bottom”, it is usually describing someone’s imploding personal life.  It implies that they are at their lowest possible level or at the absolute bottom in their circumstances.  The unfortunate soul who is struggling would most likely agree they have never been so low.  In regards to their situation you will sometimes hear them say something like, “It can’t get any worse.”  To them, it is truly rock bottom.  Those nearest them always know it could be worse.  Even much worse.  Oftentimes, their situation does get worse before it ever starts to improve.

Rock bottom varies from person to person.  For some, rock bottom could be reached with the death of a loved one.  For another it may be the loss of a job or the loss of a relationship or the loss of health or wealth.   It could come as a result of a tragic accident or even the betrayal of a friend or lover.  Some end up at rock bottom because of an addiction.  Others hit bedrock because of their pride.

Anyone can find themselves at rock bottom.  It does not seem to be a respecter of age, gender, social status or race.  Whether you are a sitting President or a pastor, teacher, student, coach, athlete, Mom, rock star, actor, musician, politician, college student, solider, CEO, janitor or reality TV star – you are not immune to rock bottom status.  For some, the journey is a slow downward spiral to the pit.  For others, it happens in an instant.  Life is fragile like that.

Of all the places one can be on earth, rock bottom may be the saddest.  While there, the struggler often feels helpless and hopeless. There is relatively little light at the end of their dark tunnel and any light they see is usually just an oncoming train.  It is in that lonely place that you ultimately learn who really loves you… who your true friends are.  Sadly, you often realize you have fewer friends than you first thought.  Not many people enjoy rock bottom company.

Most describe their time at rock bottom as the worst experience of their life.  Others claim it was the best thing that has ever happened to them.  Some have used their time at rock bottom to catapult them to heights they could never have reached otherwise.   Life, it seems, is full of paradoxes.  Sometimes, you have to go down before you can go up.  Sometimes, before you can get rich you have to experience poverty.  It is for this reason that hitting rock bottom may be a blessing in disguise.

What I find fascinating about rock bottom is how people handle their time there differently.  You could deliver the same devastating blow to three different people and get three completely different responses.  Rock bottom, for one, can utterly defeat them.  Crippled by their situation, they never fully recover from the experience.  For someone else, their pride is concreted and they refuse to admit anything, especially defeat.  For yet another, they humbly embrace the temporary defeat and it eventually becomes the catalyst needed to change their life forever.    

We have no shortage of rock bottom stories in our culture.  All I have to do is mention a name and you can instantly recall their rock bottom experience; Bill Clinton, Michael Vick, Martha Stewart, Tiger Woods, Jerry Sandusky, Bernie Madoff, OJ Simpson, Lindsay Lohan, etc.  It seems that another celebrity is added to the list every week in the evening news.   Each person reached their rock bottom in different ways.  Some committed crimes. Some broke vows.  A few struggle with addiction.  While occasionally some are victims of another’s selfishness, most are there through self-inflicted wounds.   Whether they are behind bars or walking free, they all have had to wrestle with their rock bottom status.  I have had a few of my own rock bottom experiences. They were simultaneously the best and worst experiences of my life.  Maybe you have had yours?   Or maybe yours is yet to come.  Whether your rock bottom experience is forced upon you or you invited it in – the important thing is how you respond to it and how you learn from it.  Just because you are at the bottom does not mean you have to stay there.  

The other week I was sitting in church singing the popular hymn, Amazing Grace.  I was reflecting on the powerful words and my broken past:

“Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.   I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see.”

Written by John Newton, a former slave owner turned Pastor, I had read about his immoral past and rock bottom experience.  His story and life are remarkable.  If God can redeem a man like that, He can redeem any man – even me.  Like Newton, I have not lived a perfect life.  I have made a lot of mistakes and I have hurt a lot of people in the process.  There are days when I feel like the word “wretch” would be a compliment. 

As I sat in church, singing the hymn and marveling at God’s grace towards me – I glanced to my left to see an older gentlemen sitting a few seats away.   In his mid 60’s, he sat alone.  What caught my attention was his attire.  He was wearing blue jeans with an NFL jersey, obviously in support of his favorite team, the Philadelphia Eagles.  What struck me was the name on the back of his jersey, “Vick.”   With over 50 players to choose from, this man’s favorite was Michael Vick, mentioned above.  By all accounts, Vick is an extremely talented player.  He is also an extremely controversial one.  In 2007, he was convicted of animal cruelty in an illegal interstate dog fighting ring and spent almost 2 years in prison for his crimes. Not only did he lose his lucrative position as an NFL Quarterback as well as numerous product endorsements, he was also ordered to pay back over $20 million dollars to the Atlanta Falcons for a breach of contract.   On top of the financial losses, he lost his overall popularity and good name, a price more valuable than wealth (Proverbs 22:1). To say Vick was at rock bottom would be an understatement.  One day he is soaring as a Falcon.  The next day he’s a grounded jail-bird. 

To animal lovers, he is hated – even five years later.  To football fans, he is still loved – in spite of his past.  For all of us, it makes for interesting conversation around the water cooler at work. What do we do with someone who fell to the bottom and has tried to do everything he can to climb back on top?  Do we villain-ize someone for their past?  I mean, don’t we all have a past too – even if it’s not as egregious?  Must he still be shunned today for yesterday’s poor choices?  Have we not all made poor choices at some point, even if we were adults when we made them? Vick served his time and is paying off the debt with his dime.  Isn’t that what is required for restoration?  Or do we believe the popular mantra that “A leopard can’t change his spots?”  Most of us, deep down, do not want to believe that.  If Michael Vick can’t change his spots, then what makes us think we can change ours?    

For the record, I like dogs.  I’m pro-animal.  I don’t own a fur anything.  But I’m also pro-grace and pro-second chances, particularly with someone who wants it.  Too many professional athletes are poor role models.  The Old Michael Vick would have been in that category.  But how many pro-athletes try to reverse their past and redeem their mistakes?  How many try to correct their wrongs and promote the cause they once worked so hard to destroy?   I’m not condoning Michael Vick’s past or trying to minimize the crimes he perpetrated.  But, I do applaud the time he spent and the time he spends trying to change not only his image but the evil industry he once profited from.   

Near the end of his prison term, Michael Vick’s representatives approached the Human Society of the United States (HSUS) to see how Michael might be used to help their cause.  Initially, they were very skeptical of his involvement, for obvious reasons.  When asked why they didn’t choose a different celebrity to help combat this problem, they replied, “Michael Vick was a role model for many young people, and he lost everything because of what he did to dogs. His story is the strongest possible example of why dog fighting is a dead-end. Just as former drug addicts are able to reach people struggling with addiction, former dogfighters are some of the most effective voices against this crime. We realized the potential that Vick has to reach at-risk youth and pull them out of the quicksand of animal fighting…we decided that shunning Vick forever would do no good for any animal.  He has expressed his remorse and his desire to help more animals than he harmed by being an advocate for the humane treatment of animals.  Vick paid $1 million for the care and rehabilitation of the dogs at Bad Newz Kennels. Now he contributes his time and his voice to attacking the problem by reaching out to inner-city youth.”

THAT is the beauty of being at rock bottom for whatever reason you are there.  Even if your foolish choices brought you there, you can make better decisions in the future to pick yourself up and put you in a position to help others.  You can actually do more good than you ever did harm, if you can get the help you need and get on the right track. Michael Vick, as controversial as his past is, may be the best voice out there to speak against dog-fighting and animal cruelty.

Disagree with me?  Then rip the book of Romans out of your Bible.  While you are at it, remove 1 & 2 Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, 1 & 2 Thessalonians, 1 & 2 Timothy, Titus, and the letter to Philemon as well.   Why?  Because those 13 books of the New Testament were written by someone who (before he hit rock bottom) was actively trying to kill Christians.  Before the Apostle Paul was a Bible writing, Christianity promoting, Jesus loving disciple, he was known as Saul – a massive persecutor of the Church and known executioner of Christians.  God didn’t show grace because of Paul’s past.  He showed grace in spite of Paul’s past.  But isn’t that who grace is for?  People who don’t deserve it?  Grace has the power to change any man.  This is what Newton was talking about in the aforementioned hymn, “Twas grace that taught my heart to fear and grace my fears relieved.  How precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed.”

God can use squeaky clean people to speak His squeaky clean truth.  But most of the time, He calls sinners to talk to other sinners about the dangers of sin.  Who else is more credible to speak on such a topic?  The best person to reach a prostitute is a former prostitute.  The most qualified person to reach a murderer is someone who understands what it’s like to hide a body.  The most credible person to reach a thief is the one who used to pick your pocket.

Have you been to rock bottom yet?   What did you learn on your way down?   What did you do to get back up?  Who have you been able to help as a result of your experience?  You are now uniquely equipped in a way you never were before.  How are you using your new platform to help those on their way down or those who are having trouble getting back up?

Love him or hate him, Michael Vick is showing all of us how to hit rock bottom and get back up again.  How many future dogs will be saved because of his fall from grace?     

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” – II Corinthians 1:3-4

“Things are tough all over, But I’ve got good news
When you get down to nothin’, You’ve got nothin’ to lose
Anyway, rock bottom, Is good solid ground
And a dead end street, Is just a place to turn around”  

– Rock Bottom song, Wynonna Judd

Modern day Ebenezers

rodarters

Every day, one of my 806 Facebook friends will write some sort of memorializing post (similar to the ones below) commemorating an important date, event or significant milestone in their life.

  • “I can’t believe that one year ago today my life changed completely. I became a mother of two beautiful little girls.”
  • “It was on this date, 15 years ago, that I proposed to my wife.”
  • “I ran 4.2 miles today burning 341 calories.”
  • “Remembering Dad today.  He died from cancer on this date four years ago.  I still miss him.”

You probably have many of your friends doing the same thing.  Prior to Facebook, Hallmark had the monopoly on this market.  Before that, cavemen wrote on cave walls.  Today, we write on Facebook ones.

Understandably, we remember birthdays.   We celebrate holidays.   We remember dates like 9-11 since they are seared into our National conscience.   But we also remember tragic anniversaries, death dates, divorce dates & other dates we wish to forget.

Why do we do this?   Why do we feel the need to make some sort of public recognition about certain dates or events in our life?  Even the painful ones?   There are probably many emotional reasons for this practice, but these stand out to me:

Our history is important.   In school we learned about Napolean’s battles, George Washington’s victories & Abraham Lincoln’s assassination. We studied the rise and fall of the nations – from the Roman Empire to Hitler’s Germany.  We learned countless dates.  “In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.”  December 7, 1941 is “a date which will live in infamy.”   Growing up, most of us complained in school that “history is boring” and yet, the older we get – the more important it becomes to all of us.  What are the dates in your personal history that are important to you?   Besides obvious birth dates and anniversaries, what other events are significant “markers”, personal to your family?

We have a need to remember.  It is commonly recognized that we are a forgetful people.   I can barely remember what I need to buy at the grocery store, let alone remember certain events from my past.  Because of this, we must find a way to remember the important things from the past so that we can remember them in the future.  Oh, how I wish I took the time – as a new Dad – to write down all the things my children said as they were growing up.  The older we are, the more we forget.  I wish I knew more stories about myself from childhood.  Older parents had to use old-fashioned things like paper and pencil, 35 mm film or trust our memories.  Modern day parents are able to utilize Facebook walls, upload videos on YouTube and take pictures with Instagram to remember the quickly fading present.

The Nation of Israel had been slaves to the Egyptians for centuries.  After 430 years, God had finally led His people out of bondage and into freedom.  Though Moses was instrumental in getting them out of the captivity of Egypt, Joshua would be the one to lead them to the “Promised Land.”  But Israel had proven to be a forgetful people.  By anyone’s definition, God’s actions were truly unforgettable and yet Israel was quick to forget.  Time after time, they saw God move on their behalf.  You would think these miracles would never be forgotten.  How can a generation forget the plague of frogs?  How do you watch water come from a rock in the desert and not remember God’s provision?  How could anyone cross over a massive river or sea, on dry ground, TWICE and not remember it?   Apparently, God knows us better than we know ourselves.  As soon as Israel had crossed the Jordan River and were in the Promised Land, God commanded Joshua to “…take up twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan, from right where the priests are standing, and carry them over with you and put them down at the place where you stay tonight.” (Joshua 4:2-3)

Why would God want them to collect rocks?   For the same reason my daughter collects seashells at the beach.  To remember where we have been.

Joshua then explains the meaning of the rocks to the nation,

“Let this be a sign among you, so that when your children ask later, saying, ‘What do these stones mean to you?’ then you shall say to them, ‘Because the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord; when it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off.’   So these stones shall become a memorial to the sons of Israel forever.” (Joshua 4)

Years later, Israel found themselves in a battle with the Philistines.  The nomadic nation of Israel was no match for the powerful Philistine army.  They cried out to God who “thundered with a great thunder on that day against the Philistines and confused them, so that they were routed before Israel.”  So grateful was Israel for this victory that Samuel, their High Priest, “took a stone and named it Ebenezer, saying, “Thus far the Lord has helped us.” (I Samuel 7)

From that point on, the word “Ebenezer” has become synonymous with remembering our past.  Facebook is one of our modern-day Ebenezers.   It helps some of us record our personal histories.  It helps others remember the lessons God teaches us.

About three years ago, I went through one of the worst experiences of my life.  Without getting into the gritty, messy details – my life was falling apart and I was about as destitute as I have ever been.   I felt friendless, helpless, hopeless and was literally living day-to-day struggling on every level.   An older woman from my church asked if I would replace her old bathroom sink with a new vanity.  Being a “Jack of all trades”, I was happy to oblige and get my mind off of my painful life.  I opened the cabinet doors and began to remove the old sink.  While I was laying under her sink, water dripping on my head, my back in pain from the difficult angle I had to be in – I realized that this was not going to be an easy task.  Of course, at that moment in my life – everything was a struggle.  It was fitting that this was no different.  While I lay under her sink trying to remove the old fixture, I could see that the only thing that was stopping me from success was one tiny little nut.  This particular nut, which had clearly been on this annoying screw for over 30 years, was the only thing keeping me from removing the old sink.  For over an hour, I tried to loosen it.  I tried to nudge it.  I used a wrench.  I used a hammer.  I used WD-40.  I used “elbow grease.”  I used brute force.  I tried finesse.  Convinced the nut was demon possessed, I even started praying.   NOTHING would cause this thing to budge.

I finally put down my tools and laid quietly under the sink considering my next move.  Suddenly, tears started rolling down my cheeks.  Stunned, I realized I was crying.  I had a feeling this was not normal plumber behavior.  I felt utterly defeated.  Then I had an epiphany: This was no longer just a job for me.  I had come to realize that this “favor” was no longer about replacing a sink or removing a nut.   This task had just become intensely personal.  The nut was no longer a nut.  The nut had become a physical manifestation for the problems in my life.  It represented all the junk in my past.  Was I going to defeat it or was I going to let the nut defeat me?  Something powerful happened to me that day, under the sink.

With the steel resolve of a warrior plumber, I had decided with an iron-clad commitment that I was not relieving the pain of my back until that nut was removed.  For another 30 minutes, it was mano y sinko; man vs sink.  It was a battle to the death and I was going to win it.  I was going to not only remove this nut, I was going to remove the junk from my past that caused all this pain.  I was not only going to replace this sink, I was going to replace my baggage with a brand new suitcase.  I wasn’t going to be a victim.  I was going to be a victor.  I didn’t know how I was going to do it, that was mere details.  I just decided it was going to happen.  And it did.   The nut finally succumbed to my relentless perseverance.   Within the hour, a new sink was in.  My friend was thrilled.  All she saw was a new vanity.  I saw a new perspective on life.  She had no idea of the spiritual, emotional, historical moment I had just experienced.

I tell you this story for one simple reason.   I raised an Ebenezer that day.  I kept the nut, put it on a necklace and wore it as a trophy for months.  It was the oddest piece of jewelry but at that point, one of the most valuable things I owned.   When others saw it, they merely saw a beat up nut.  I saw so much more.   And THAT is why Ebenezers are important.   That is why dates matter.  That’s why we need to record our histories, not just for our sake but for the sake of those that follow us.

What are your Ebenezers?   What mementos do you have that point to a particularly poignant time or event from your past?   What stories do you need to communicate to your children or grandchildren before you are gone and the memories are gone with you?

Your kids will only ask, “What do these stones mean to you?” if they can see them.

This is an example of one of our national Ebenezers. The man who placed it there clearly recognized, “Thus far the Lord has helped us.”

Crossing your children

rodarters

In the beginning of parenthood, children are viewed as innocents and all they do is sleep, eat, coo, poo and melt your heart.  Once they become mobile, they still participate in all those same activities except now they get into things they shouldn’t.  In the early years, it’s easier to say no to them because of the physical dangers involved if we don’t.  But as those toddlers become tweens, then teens, then pre-adults, their capacity for trouble increases while our resolve in confronting them often decreases.

While we are juggling work, car pooling, sports, doctor’s visits, family schedules, supervising homework, shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying bills, etc – they are masterfully running circles around our aging bodies.  It’s not that we don’t care about their well-being or we don’t want to parent as they get older.  We have just grown weary and have bought into the self-preserving notion of “picking our battles.”  In the meantime, the eternally energized creatures have become little lawyers with an over developed skill of “reasoning” and we are tired of arguing with them.  Parenting, on our best day, can be exhausting.  It’s also the most rewarding job we will ever have.  The results can be amazing or the results can be disastrous.   We play a critical role in the final score of their game. 

In First Kings chapter 1 we find King David at the end of his forty-year reign as ruler over Israel.   He lies on his death-bed, at age 70, struggling to keep warm and barely able to lead God’s people as he once did.   As he lay dying, his son (Adonijah) takes advantage of his father’s condition and attempts to steal his throne.   What would cause his son to so easily break the 5th commandment of “Honor your father” (Exodus 20:12)?    Verse 6 gives us the answer,

“His father had never crossed him at any time by asking, “Why have you done so?”  (I Kings 1:5-6)

A brief review of David’s parenting reveals a dangerous pattern:

  • His eldest son (Amnon) raped his daughter Tamar.   To make matters worse, David’s “shrewd” nephew used David unwittingly to place Tamar in the room to be raped.  David’s response to all of this?  He was “very angry”    (II Samuel 13:21).
  • Two years later, his second born son (Absalom) invited his father and all his brothers to the town of Baal-hazor.  Though the king initially refused, Absalom’s “urging” was too much for David and he allowed Amnon and his brothers to join Absalom with a blessing.  The invitation turned out to be a trap and Absalom’s servants killed Amnon at Absalom’s command to serve as “justice” for the rape.  When the word got back to David that Amnon was killed by Absalom he “arose, tore his clothes and lay on the ground… and wept very bitterly” (II Samuel 13:31, 36).   Though “David mourned for his son (Amnon) every day… his heart was inclined toward Absalom” (II Samuel 13:37, 39, 14:1). 
  • Three years later, we find Absalom in the town of Geshur living as a fugitive because of the murder of his brother.  At the encouragement of his military commander, David allows Absalom back into Jerusalem even though his sin has not been forgiven nor his heart repentant.  Instead of addressing the issue with his son, he ignores it and does not allow Absalom to see him for two full years (II Samuel 13:37-38, 14:21-33).  Absalom’s hatred for his father grew and he soon began to conspire against David in an attempt to gain the throne.  After successfully stealing his father’s influence, men and chief counselor, Absalom began his coup d’etat on David.  David’s response?  “Arise and let us flee, for otherwise none of us will escape from Absalom” (II Samuel 15).   A man who bravely killed a lion, bear and giant cannot stand up to his own son (I Samuel 17:37).
  • Though Absalom employed every resource to pursue David in order to kill him, he was unsuccessful.  By contrast, David gave strict orders for his soldiers to “deal gently for my sake with the young man Absalom” (II Samuel 18:5).   When word finally came back from the battlefield and David had opportunity to learn of the status of the battle, his first question revealed where his heart was, “Is it well with the young man Absalom?” (18:29)   At the news of his son’s death, “the king was deeply moved and went up to the chamber over the gate and wept.  And thus he said as he walked, “O my son, Absalom, my son, my son Absalom!  Would I had died instead of you, O Absalom, my son, my son!” (18:33).

It is the duty of every parent to “cross” their children.  What does it mean to “cross your child”?   The Hebrew word for crossing (atsab) means “to grieve” or “to stretch into shape”.  In other words, David had never displeased his son nor did what it took to stretch him into a godly shape.   Never.

“Crossing” is simply another name for “active parenting”.   Crossing is being involved in your child’s life and knowing their daily activities.  It is being on top of their schedule and knowing who their friends are.  It is placing yourself and God’s standard before them on a regular basis.   It is governing what they read in books and see on the screen, both computer and theatre.   It is having full access to computer passwords, ipods, cell phones and bedrooms.   It is enforcing curfews and keeping them accountable.  It gives you the freedom to not simply manage actions but attitude, facial expressions and tone of voice.  It requires, at times, for you to grieve them and look for the opportunities to “stretch” them into the shape God desires.   Ultimately, crossing says, “I love you” in a gritty, consistent, uncomfortable, unpopular way.    And therein lies the problem.   For many parents it is too much work and requires too much time.   Because stretching is hard and grieving children is difficult, we neglect our biblical responsibility to our children’s peril.  

As verse 6 indicates, crossing cannot happen without cross-examination – asking the tough questions.  It is the responsibility of every parent to ask the confrontational question, “Why have you done so”?    Regardless of your age or theirs, you are your child’s keeper, particularly if they sleep under your roof and are kept afloat by your financial boat.   God leads by example when He cross-examined the first family:  

  • To Adam, “Where are you?   Who told you that you were naked?   Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” (Genesis 3:9, 11)
  • To Eve, “What is this you have done?” (Genesis 3:13)
  • To Cain, “Why are you angry?  Why has your countenance fallen?  If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up?  Where is Abel your brother?   What have you done?”  (Genesis 4:6-7, 9-10)

David’s high office, busy schedule, or current condition did not remove his responsibility to parent.  His wealth, age or the fact that his son is an adult did not pardon his duty to cross Adonijah.  David’s unwillingness to “cross” his children caused the rape of a daughter, murder of two sons, and a lifetime of heartache.

How about you, parent?   Do you make it a practice to “cross” your children?   Do you place yourself consistently in their path and remind them with your lifestyle, presence and questions that they answer to God through you?   

No parent will be perfect in their parenting.  I have made many parental mistakes and have, at times, given my children a poor example to follow.  But, like them, I am a work in progress.  So are you.  And just because we didn’t do it right yesterday, doesn’t mean we don’t have the authority to try to do it right today.   Don’t let your past failures as a parent, keep you from being successful in your attempts today.  It’s never too late to practice active parenting.  It may feel uncomfortable at first – but crossing them is a loving necessity.

Cross your children and ask the tough questions.  It’s the clearest way to show them your love.

“For whom the Lord loves He reproves, even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights.” (Proverbs 3:12).   

“Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as His children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?  If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in His holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:7-11)

Tear down this wall!

rodarters

Walls generally serve at least one of three purposes; to keep something protected within, to protect from the dangers without, or to allow a degree of privacy.

In 1961, communist East Germany had erected a wall to prevent her people from entering democratic West Germany. As walls tend to do, it hindered freedom and discouraged relationships.

A small portion of the Berlin Wall, viewed from the Western side.

It didn’t just divide a city, it divided a country and by 1987, it was clearly more than just a wall. The famous structure had become a symbol of communist oppression. Known as “The Berlin Wall”, it was 12 feet high, almost 100 miles long and had only two openings for access, both heavily guarded checkpoints. And as far as every one knew, it wasn’t coming down any time soon.

On June 12, 1987, President Ronald Reagan issued a direct challenge to Soviet Leader Mikhail Gorbachev to destroy the Berlin Wall. Though the wall was outside his country’s jurisdiction, Gorbachev’s communist influence helped keep it intact. In a speech at the Brandenburg Gate, behind two bulletproof glass panes, President Reagan’s challenge was bold, yet simple:

“Mr. Gorbachev, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!”

We live among walls every day. Our homes are filled with them. Our schools and offices are lined by them. We paint them with our favorite colors and hang mirrors and paintings and photos on every one. We can’t go anywhere without seeing one since life would not be fun or safe without them. In many ways, they are necessary for our survival. We need a certain level of protection and privacy in order to function.

Walls, obviously, are not only physical in nature. Some of the biggest, strongest walls I have ever seen are emotionally constructed. Some of the most impenetrable walls that exist, live within the human heart. Think I am over-exaggerating? Ask any counselor who spends a career trying to unlock a person’s heart. Ask any social worker who deals with abused children. Ask any woman who has ever tried to love an emotionally unavailable man. They will tell you that in many cases it is easier to sledge-hammer through a 4 foot thick concrete wall than it is to penetrate an emotional wall surrounding a person’s heart.

From my biased vantage point, men tend to be more natural at wall building than women. It seems that men build their walls before being hurt. Women build theirs afterward. For being the gender known for bravery, acts of valor and courage – many men are emotional cowards, afraid of letting any portion of their wall down and exposing a tender heart. It’s not that men don’t have a heart, as some women believe. It’s that they are afraid to lower the complex steel scaffolding that surrounds theirs. For many men out there, they have spent years carefully building a fortress around their thoughts, emotions and true feelings. For those types of men, it is less perilous to defend a woman than truly talk to one. It’s easier to slay a ferocious dragon than to let down our emotional guard. I know, I used to be one of those men. In many ways, I’m a recovering emotional wall builder. Like an alcoholic, I am probably always one decision away from grabbing a brick and rebuilding a wall. Perhaps I’m not alone in this daily struggle.

Emotional walls are no respecter of person, gender, age, background or position. For many, emotional walls are created instinctively and out of necessity to protect a hidden secret, abused past or broken heart. Oftentimes they are erected out of fear, insecurity, rejection, abandonment, loss of relationship, traumatic experiences, bullying, criticism, etc. Regardless of their reason of existence, they are very real, very easy to assemble and once in place, very difficult to remove. Like a physical wall, emotional walls are normal and necessary. The existence of a wall is not the problem, it is the purpose of the wall and the reason for its existence that matters.

Because emotional walls are invisible, only the possessor knows if it is in place and how high it really is. Though it is there for a reason, even a good reason, it doesn’t mean it needs to remain – or even be that high. Though some walls are important for us to have, I would venture to say – most of the walls we keep up-end up hindering us more than protecting us.

Several months ago I took a flight for a business trip. While going through security, I noticed the TSA folks had stopped the dear old lady in the X-ray machine before me. She was pulled aside, apparently randomly, and searched rather extensively. Granted, she could have been an Al-Qaeda supporter. I guess there was a chance her girdle was strapped with explosives. I suppose it is possible that she was a Muslim terrorist. But, honestly she looked Grandma-ish. She had probably just baked chocolate chip cookies and read a story to a grandchild on her lap. Why do we frisk people like that? Because 11 years ago, some lunatics did the unthinkable causing us, as a nation, to put some “walls” up. Those walls are necessary for our protection – but they are also up (most times) for the wrong people. Though it keeps us safe from the abusers, it also keeps many good people out as well. In the same way, our emotional walls both help us and hinder us – often at the same time.

If you’re normal, you have emotional walls in place. If you’re transparent, you may admit that they have been up for too long. If you’re honest, you might agree that they are higher than they need to be. You may be successful in keeping abusive people out, but at the same time – you are preventing access to the positive people as well. Like chemotherapy to a cancer patient, it doesn’t just kill the bad cells. It kills all cells. Though chemo can be effective in its goal (removing the cancer), it also removes many positive aspects at the same time. Such is the same effect as most of our emotional walls.

When one falls off of a bike or a horse, a protective wall goes up and the fallen rider is tempted to never mount the seat again. Most of us would recognize, however, that it is in their best interest to get back on again, eventually…sooner rather than later. Though the fall is painful and a season of rest may be necessary, it doesn’t mean it should be permanent. When it comes to pain, though, most of us prefer physical over emotional. We’d rather deal with a skinned knee than a bruised ego. We would rather break a bone than crush our pride. A husband cheats and the wife puts her wall up to avoid all men. A girlfriend breaks up with you and from behind your wall you proclaim, “I’m becoming a monk – done with all dating.” Because relationships are so intimate and personal, they run the risk of hurting us deeply when they go astray. Walls are natural consequences when we experience such pain. Just as a deep burn from a stove can discourage someone from future cooking, in like fashion we shy away from relationships when we’ve been burnt by a loved one in our past.

When God decided to place humans on the map, He did not put us on sports teams. He did not place us in military troops. He did not organize us by cubicles in an employer’s office. Instead, He placed us into close relationships in the context of a family. As He communicated to Adam in the Garden of Eden, “It is not good for man to be alone.” (Genesis 2:18) Because of the fall and our sinful human nature and innate selfishness, we tend to hurt one another. Once hurt, that pain causes us to retreat or hide behind thick emotional walls. Those walls keep us alone and isolated from the very thing we were created to enjoy: relationships.

Jacob understands walls. He created an instant one the moment he betrayed his older brother, Esau (Genesis 27). In the biblical day and age where the father’s blessing meant everything to the first-born son, Esau was moments away from receiving his. This blessing was not just an indication of a father’s approval but it was intended to result in prosperity and success. It was a formal declaration, if not a prayer, that God Himself would bless the recipient.

You can imagine the horrified shock on Esau’s face when he learned that his little brother, Jacob stole the blessing intended for him. In a shrewd and cunning move, Jacob deceived his elderly and blind father (Isaac) and tricked him into giving the blessing intended for Esau. The only thing more chilling about the deception was that it was initiated and crafted by the boy’s mother, Rebekah. It’s the stuff of blockbuster movies: the son tricks the father and betrays the brother at the suggestion of the mother. As is often the case in families, the “fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

Esau was outraged and understandably so. The blessing could only be given once, even if it was given under false pretenses. Realizing he had lost everything due to trickery, he vowed to kill his brother soon after his father’s impending death. For 20 years, Jacob hid from Esau convinced that a meeting would be the end of him. Time, they say, heals all wounds. It certainly helped in the ensuing two decades and Esau’s anger eventually softened towards his brother. When they finally did meet, the wall between them was dismantled and Esau greeted his brother Jacob with a warm embrace. The wall was torn down. Forgiveness had occurred. The relationship was restored and they had about 20 years to catch up on. Two decades of wasted time keeping a wall in place that should have been removed years prior.

Isn’t that how we are? Building walls when we shouldn’t. Keeping them up longer then they need to be. Holding grudges. Keeping score. Wasting precious time with those we should love.

Do you have an emotional wall up? Maybe it’s time to take it down, even if it’s been up for decades. Why not at least remove a few bricks? Maybe it’s time to forgive the offense and embrace the offender? Maybe it’s time to forget the past and try to build a new future, with whatever time is left on the clock?

Perhaps today is the day that an email is written, a letter is mailed or a phone call is made? Walls are there for a reason and a season and perhaps your season is ending?

As for the Berlin Wall, 23 months after President Reagan’s challenge, the wall was dismantled. East & West Germany were finally one country. Democracy defeated Communism. Freedom trumped bondage. Peace was restored and relationships were reunited. The wall served a purpose and now it is a thing of the past.

Life is short. Relationships are important. Walls don’t just keep bad things out. They keep you trapped in. What walls in your life need to go?

“The List” – which one are you on?

rodarters

According to the official website, Zumba is an “exhilarating, effective, easy-to-follow, Latin-inspired, calorie-burning dance fitness-party that’s moving millions of people toward joy and health.”  In Kennebunk, Maine it seems to be moving at least 21 participants towards a misdemeanor charge and court appearance.

According to reports, a 29-year-old Zumba instructor and her 57-year-old business partner are being accused of running a prostitution ring using the Zumba business as a cover up.   At this point, 21 names officially appear on “The List” of clients.   It is reported that the number could go as high as 150.

As the story continues to unfold, there is growing controversy about “The List”, who is on it and whether those names should be released to the public.   Understandably, the 21 are desperate to keep their names hidden from public view.  Two have even retained counsel in an attempt to keep their identities private.   Needless to say, publishing such a list could ruin dozens of lives – particularly in a community as small as Kennebunk.

As I was listening to the news report and thinking about the scandal, it caused me to think about the devastation of being named on such a list could cause.  What if every city produced a list?  What if a list was made of every hidden sin committed in every town?  What list, I wondered, would my name fall under?  Probably more than I would like to admit. 

Granted, most of us have probably never been with a prostitute so we would avoid that embarrassing list.  But what if the list was for gossip?  Or pornography?  Or stealing?  Or lying?  Or cheating?  Or speeding?  Or gluttony?  Or alcoholism?  Or cursing?  Or tax evasion?  Or spiritual pride?  Eventually, if enough vices were listed, we would even find your name on a list.  Yes, even you.

Our human nature often tricks us into thinking we are better than we really are.  After all, the mantra goes, “people are basically good.”  If I asked the average person if they steal, most would emphatically say “No!” – immediately assuming that if they did not rob a bank they did not steal anything.  But how many employees steal company time for personal use?  How many “borrow” office supplies without a second thought?   How many use company car miles to run personal errands?  There are many ways to steal and as long as we don’t cross some BIG line in our mind, we think we are innocent of all charges.  The problem is, we conveniently move the line constantly – justifying as we go.  “For all I do for this company, they certainly aren’t going to notice or care if I __________________.”

For some reason, we tend to view sin as only being real if it crosses into the arena of actually, physically happening.  It’s only a serious issue if it becomes a legal one or if it is considered taboo by others.  For example, we tend to think someone has kept their wedding vows as long as they’ve never slept with another person.  We believe someone has not killed another as long as that hated person is still breathing.  In the same way, a lie did not occur unless it was outright, blatant and completely devoid of truth.  But what if our assumptions are wrong?  What if the standard was higher?  What if Matthew 5 was correct?

  • “Everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
  • “Everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty of murder.”

What if even white lies, half-truths and subtle deceptions made you a full-fledged liar with pants on fire?

The reality is, by God’s standard, we are ALL on a list – even if we try to justify our name off of it. 

The problem with “The List” in Maine is that it tends to create an “Us vs. Them” mentality.   We can be very quick to judge the lawyer, accountant or Mayor who have already been identified as part of the 21.   We tend to look down at those who commit the BIG sins as if to believe the little ones we commit aren’t significant enough to mention.   While a group of men used Zumba as a cover up for sex, we just use different shields for our sin “du jour.”  As long as your wrong doing isn’t “Top 10” (as in Commandments), it doesn’t feel so bad.  As long as it doesn’t make the front page of the newspaper, it must be acceptable or worthy of toleration.

About 20 years ago I received a letter from a Mother of a high school student of mine that I had greatly disappointed.  Regrettably, I had made a promise to her children that I did not keep.  I could have kept my promise but, honestly, something else more appealing came up and I chose that instead.  Needless to say, when the family found out the reason I did not keep my promise, anger ensued.  Though I initially felt justified in my excuse, from her perspective I was thoughtless, selfish, insensitive and wrong.  Her children were deeply hurt and disappointed.  She and her husband were livid and sent a scathing email outlining the errors of my ways.  The email was long and furious.  Such is the wrath of a Momma bear whose cubs have been hurt.  In my pride, I defended my position, offered a lame apology and chalked up her reaction as being an overly emotional, irrational female.  

Years later, I came across a quote that literally changed my life.  As soon as I read it, it gave me clarity as to the true condition of my heart.   Written in the 1800’s by a British Pastor, it captures the true nature of ALL – especially those not on an official list yet.

“If any man thinks ill of you, do not be angry with him, for you are worse than he thinks you to be. If he charges you falsely on some point, yet be satisfied, for if he knew you better he might change the accusation, and you would be no gainer by the correction. If you have your moral portrait painted and it is ugly, be satisfied, for it only needs a few blacker touches, and it would be still nearer the truth.” – Charles Haddon Spurgeon

After reading this quote and recalling the blistering email, I came to realize two important things.  Her email to me was incorrect.  I was actually worse than she accused me of being.   Secondly, had she known me better – the email would have been longer.  Much longer.   If there was a list of promise breakers – my name would be at the top of that list.   Sadly, it took a few more broken promises in my life for me to realize the character flaw that coursed through my veins. 

It’s easy to villainize certain people in the news for the crimes and sins they commit.  As they are getting publicly flogged, we can quietly think we are better than them since we haven’t actually done the things they have.   But is there a difference between those who do it and those who merely think about it?   Is the gap really that far between kids who raid the cookie jar and those who wish they had the courage to?  Granted, the consequences are often different but aren’t their hearts and desire still the same?

The next time you read a newspaper headline, watch the evening news or see a mug shot, think for a moment about that person and their particular crime.   What is difference between your heart and theirs?   What keeps you in your comfortable home while they are behind bars or under a pile of shame?  

GRACE.

The line between a physical affair and an emotional one is about the size of dental floss.  The difference between an actual murder and consuming hatred is that one trigger has not been pulled yet.  The difference between a full lie and half-truth is that there is no difference.  Both are still liars.   One fat person might eat the whole pie while the skinny person just wants it.  Both can still be on the list of gluttons. 

Santa may keep a list of naughty people.  CNN might broadcast it.  Time Magazine might print it.  YouTube & the internet can make it go viral. 

But God, in His mercy, took the list with your name on it and simply nailed it to a cross.   With your name removed, He lovingly says, “Go, and sin no more.” (John 8:11)

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.  But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.”  – Galatians 6:1

Life lessons from coaching

rodarters

I have had the privilege of being a coach most of my adult life.  It really allows you an amazing perspective on life, people, human nature and parenting.   Though each sport I have coached (soccer, tennis, baseball & volleyball) requires a slightly different approach, coaching is general enough to apply similar principles.  Currently, I am coaching a high school girls volleyball team.   As I lead drills in practice, shout from the bench, share nuggets of wisdom during the 60 second time-out huddle, interact with the referees and watch the team execute the plays I have created – many life lessons come to the surface.  Here are just a few:

  • Though we play to win, the score is probably the least important aspect of the game.   This is hard to admit as a coach, but there are many a day where I must remind myself of the more important aspects than winning; sportsmanship, teamwork, integrity, encouragement, etc.  These are life lessons that will travel far beyond any particular game.   In life, sometimes the journey is more important than the destination.  Though we should all have a plan of where we would like to go, we must not let reaching the destination stop us from enjoying (or learning from) the process of getting there.   It’s not about how much money you make, but rather did you accumulate it with integrity?   It’s not about how high up the corporate ladder you climbed, but did you do it without stepping on someone else to get there?  Though winning is a goal, winning isn’t everything – in spite of what coaching great Vince Lombardi thinks.  As Former NBA player and coach Pat Riley once said, “A champion needs a motivation above and beyond winning.”
  • There is always a referee or umpire officiating the game.   Human nature prevents us from governing ourselves successfully.  Because the human heart is what it is, we will always need someone overseeing our behaviors and actions.  As honest as we would like to be, we cannot keep our own score.  We simply are not gifted with an unbiased heart.  As a result, a referee/umpire is always required.  Someone is always watching our behaviors, “every move we make and every step we take.”  This is even more true when we are not on the playing field.   In life, we sometimes forget this.  What you do behind closed doors isn’t really private.  The door is never really closed.  The websites you visit, the text messages you send, the shows you watch – can all be seen by a Heavenly Referee.   Just as you cannot cheat during a game and expect to get away with it, so it is with life.  Cheaters always get caught, it’s just a matter of time.  Not only do you forfeit the game, you forfeit a piece of your integrity, if not all of it.
  • The referees make calls you disagree with – deal with it.   It’s really hard to play your heart out only to lose a  point because a referee didn’t make the call you wanted.  That’s life.  No one ever claimed it was fair.   Referees are part of the experience and when the calls go your way, be grateful.  When they do not, move on and work on the next point.   They can’t see every angle.  They sometimes miss “obvious” calls, even with instant replay.  Since they never change their mind, arguing is simply a waste of precious time.  Life is a harsh teacher and many days, things will not go your way.   Though God makes no mistakes, He often does things (or allows things) that upset us or seem to make our “game” harder.   There are reasons for it, perhaps even unseen.  Accept what He hands you and trust His decisions.  His perspective is different from ours (Isaiah 55:10) and He’s been refereeing longer than you’ve been playing.   Trust His calls – they are more accurate than you think.  You just have a limited, self-centered perspective.
  • The clock is always ticking.   Some of the sports I have coached have not been time sensitive (tennis, volleyball, baseball).   In those sports, the game is over when one team reaches a certain number of points or innings.   In many sports, however, the clock is ever-present and constantly running out.  If there is one truth about life – it is simply this: Life goes on.   In good times or bad, the clock is always ticking and you must accomplish your goal within the time frame allotted.  Though you may live to be 100, you could also die tomorrow.  Today is the only day we are promised and therefore it is imperative we take advantage of it.  After a disappointing recent loss, one of my players said to me, “We’ll do better tomorrow, Coach.”  I quickly shot back, “We aren’t promised tomorrow.  We have to take advantage of today.”   I have buried too many people in my life to not realize this truth.   Moses understood this as the Leader of Israel.   Having watched a generation of people die during his 40 year desert wandering, he penned the following words to the Lord, “Teach us to number our days that we may present to you a heart of wisdom.” (Psalm 90:12)   YOUR clock is ticking.  Are you make the most of every play?
  • Time-outs.  A good coach will not only call time out but do so at the right time.  A well planned time out can make all the difference in the game.  Ask any football coach who is losing with less than two minutes left.   His ability to call time out can literally make the difference between a win and a loss.   In life, though the clock keeps ticking – we still have the ability to call some time outs.   How many  marriages would still be together today if one or both people called “time-out” and got the counseling they needed?  How many children would have avoided some painful life experiences had the parents simply called “time out” and took the time to parent.  If life isn’t going where you want it to go, call time out.  Take some time away from the game and figure out what is missing.  What are you doing wrong?   How can you change the score?  It can literally make the difference between the life you want and the life you accept.
  • Practice, practice, practice.  The beauty of practice is that it prepares you for the game.  The beauty of a game is that it reveals what you need to practice.  At the end of every game, a coach normally has no shortage of things to improve upon at the next practice.   Things come out during the game that make it painfully obvious (to the coach) where his team is “missing it.”  Life is unusual in that – at the same time – the practice is the game.   Every day is a dress rehearsal.  Every day is also the play.   Just as a coach must make constant adjustments as he goes, so do we all in life.  Continually evaluate your game and performance and figure out what needs to be changed to improve your score.   The ancient Greek philosopher Socrates once said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”   You only have one shot at this game called “life.”  Make the most of it.  Take notes.  Make adjustments along the way so that when your time finally expires, you can have the satisfaction of knowing you did everything you could to be a winner.
  • Trust the coach.  Coaching is difficult on a number of levels.  For starters, you have to know the game inside and out.  You also have to know each individual player, their strengths, weaknesses and how to take them to the next level of play.  You have to know how far you can push an athlete towards maximum performance without breaking their spirit.  You have to come up with motivational, inspirational “Remember the Titan” type speeches when you are losing and they feel like giving up.  And if that wasn’t hard enough, you then have to choose a starting line up that you think gives your team the best advantage over your opponent.   Every decision you make is questioned by the athlete.  Every decision you make is scrutinized by someone’s parent who thinks their child is the best on the team.   Regardless, the coach is the coach and in the position to make the big decisions, even if you don’t like them.  Because they know the game better than you do, you should listen.  Because they see things you cannot see, you should heed their words.  Because they have a “big picture” perspective, it may be hard for an individual to understand because of their self-centered viewpoint.  Whereas an athlete looks at himself or a particular player, the coach sees a team.   Whereas a player sees one piece, the coach sees the whole puzzle and where each individual piece must go to make sense of it all.
  • The bench.   From time to time, every player spends time on the bench.  Some spend more time there than others.  A true athlete hates his time there while a lesser player may be grateful to sit on the bench reasoning “at least they made the team.”   Some end up on the bench because of an injury.  Others because of attitude or actions.  Most “ride the pine” because of lack of ability.   In Volleyball, even good players spend a few minutes on the bench because of how a team rotates on the court.   Like it or not, the bench is part of every game.  It’s also a part of every life.  We all have seasons where we are forced to sit out and watch.   Sometimes we all need just a few minutes to rest or re-group or to hear a word from the Coach before we can get back into action.  Throughout the Bible, God benched many star players.  Moses was benched because of his temper.  David was benched because of his libido.  Joseph was benched because of pride.  Peter was benched because of cowardice.  They all were reinstated back into the game and they all made some big plays for God after their time on the bench.

In a strange way, coaching brings me closer to God.   When my players ignore my instruction, it makes me think of the many times I refuse to listen to the instructions I’ve been given.   In my prideful moments, I join my players and think I know what’s best.  Like them, I tire quickly of practice.  I don’t want to practice (do the monotonous behind the scenes boring daily grind of routine).  I would rather perform under the lights and make the big plays.  When will I realize that those “Top 10 ESPY moments” only occur after hours and hours of mundane practice?

Why do I so quickly forget about the ever-present Referee that oversees all of life?  The earthly referee blows a loud whistle.  It’s annoyingly hard to miss.   God’s whistle is a gentle whisper often found in the pages of a dust-covered Book.  Why am I so willing to submit to a human umpire’s judgment on the field but argue with the Righteous Referee’s call off the court?

When I bench my players for any reason – I stop and think back to the times I’ve been benched myself – for even worse infractions.   When will a player come to the bench with a smile, recognizing the value of their time there?   When will I appreciate the sweet smell of pine for the times that God places me there?

After last night’s loss, it’s obvious that my team requires a lot more work to get where they need to be.  After writing this blog, it’s obvious that their coach needs a lot more work to get where he needs to be too.

Practice – here we come!