Category: Christian

Lord of the peanut, lord of the play.

rodarters
Me with Mr. Peanut, a gift from a family member with a sick sense of humor.
Me with Mr. Peanut, a gift from a family member with a sick sense of humor.

Last week I got a phone call that makes every parent’s heart stop for a minute.   I learned that my oldest son was being rushed to the emergency room.   Unfortunately, we both share the same life-threatening allergy to peanuts.  Unfortunately for him, he accidentally ate a cracker laced with the deadly nut and only realized it after it hit the bottom of his bottomless pit of a stomach.   Such is what happens when you eat first, read ingredient labels second.   I have been in his shoes too many times to count.

To those without the allergy, having an allergy to a peanut is amusing.   In the early days, when people learned of my allergy – they would laugh in disbelief, as if I was making this up.   “Really?  A little peanut?  Are you kidding me?”    The name itself conjures images of something  tiny.   When an embryo is growing in the womb of a mother, it is often referred to as the little “peanut.”   When a toddler is among older siblings, you may hear him being called the “peanut.”   It certainly does not seem big or strong enough to end a life.   Statistically, it kills about 10 people per year in the United States alone.   I am pretty committed to not let my son or I join that list of ten.

The peanut allergy is somewhat unpredictable.  It can certainly be unforgiving.  Some people can have an immediate reaction at the smell of it.  (Even a synthetic peanut-scented “scratch and sniff” sticker bothers me!)  Others react when they touch it.  Some react when it merely touches their lips.   Everyone with the allergy reacts when it is ingested.   As far as reactions go, a variety of symptoms can occur, varying person to person.  Hives. swollen eyes, itchy tongue.  In extreme cases, anaphylaxis sets in.  In other words, your throat swells to the point that your air passage is closed.  It is known as one of the more deadly allergies out there because of the notorious speed at which it moves.  It is not unheard of to go from contact to corpse within a matter of minutes.  (One girl died, a few years ago, after being kissed by her boyfriend after he ate a PB & J sandwich.)   Having almost died twice from my reactions, I understand how serious this allergy can be.  

As I raced to be with my other children while his mother drove him to the emergency room, I processed numerous thoughts:

  • “I’m sure he’ll be fine.”
  • “I’ve been through this a dozen times myself – it’ll all work out.”
  • “I wonder what time he’ll be home from the E.R.”
  • “What were my last words to him?   Ya know, just in case.”
  • “Is he scared?”
  • “I wonder what symptoms he is feeling now.”
  • “I bet he tries to use this as an excuse to get out of school tomorrow.”

I prayed.   I drove fast.   I started to worry.   And then I remembered who is the Lord of the peanut.

Life is fragile like that.   Occasionally, it reminds us that we are not as strong or invincible as we want to believe.   We are one car accident away from life change – even if we wear a belt.  We are one trip to the doctor away from devastation – even when we feel healthy.  Those of us in South Carolina know that we are one play away on the ball field unable to see the injury to come to a beloved running back.   One accident, one diagnosis, one slalom on the slope, one slip on the job, one phone call, one incident from our lives being changed – forever.   If I have learned anything about life during my 4+ decades here, it is how short and precious life really is. 

As I sat at home praying for my son, wondering just how serious this “attack” was for him – I realized (again) Who is really in charge here.   Christian or atheist, black or white, straight or gay, Republican or Democrat, American or foreigner, pilot or passenger – when our life (or those we love) is in the balance…

  • We ALL pray, even if schools say we cannot.   
  • We ALL bend a knee, even if we look foolish to others.
  • We ALL quiet our souls, in spite of the noise around us.
  • We ALL change our Facebook status, imploring an army of other prayers.

At some point, we are all reminded that there is something bigger than us out there that we must beg/plead to – when life is in the balance.  The saying is true, “There are no atheists in foxholes.”   Turbulence at 33,000 feet can make even the hardened skeptic pray. 

My son returned home from the emergency room in record time.   He was fine.   The anti-dote (epinephrine) was given and he was breathing easy, once again.   As I put my head to the pillow, I realized I had averted a life-changing incident.   I was grateful for the outcome and thankful I had another day to be his Dad.   I also renewed my hatred for peanuts, vowed to never visit Georgia and committed to a life of jihad against that form of protein.

As my body was shutting down for the night, my thoughts were lifted upward.   I thought about the deadly allergy to sin we all possess.   I remembered the anti-dote in Christ, the Epi-Pen of God.   But more than that, I was reminded that He is still in charge here, even on the days I forget that.  

The riser of the sun and the Rotator of the moon, He rules even our diets.   Lord of both Presidents and peanuts, sometimes He uses laws to get our attention while other times He uses allergies.  Should the sunset escape our view, should we ignore the praises of birds, should we be oblivious to our daily dose of oxygen He liberally provides even to those who hate Him, God is still able to get our attention.   As King David reminded us in Proverbs 21, “The king’s heart is like channels of water in the hand of the Lord; He turns it wherever He wishes.”   He got Moses attention through a burning bush (Exodus 3).  He got Pharaoh’s attention through the death of his son (Exodus 12).   God can use hurricanes, earthquakes & fires but He prefers to speak in a whisper – just ask Elijah (I Kings 19).   He has an entire world at His disposal to get your attention too.   What will it take for you to tilt your ear?

Last night I took my two boys to see their sister in her school play.  The only thing more dreadful than attending a middle school play is to watch a middle school girls basketball game.   Even hockey games have higher scores!   As you can imagine, the last thing two boys want to do is attend their sister’s school play on a Saturday night.   Complaints abounded.  “Do we have to?”   “She doesn’t care if we go!”   “Dad, it will be boring.”   “Her part isn’t that big, can’t we just watch her scene and leave?”   I have to say, their complaints were convincing, if not compelling.  I was certainly tempted to leave them home.  I realized at that moment I was raising two attorneys.   Unmoved, we all went to the play.  To their chagrin, I even sat in the very front row.   They were not going to miss their sister’s theatrical debut.   As they both sat sullen in the front row, I watched their transformation.  As the play went on, they both stared at the actors in front of them.  They laughed at all the right moments.   It was obvious, they were actually engaged and enjoying themselves.  As a parent, I sat relieved.  Relieved I didn’t cave to their complaints.  Relieved that I had committed to doing the right thing, even if it made me unpopular.  Relieved that they were enjoying themselves.   As we left, my older son looked at me sheepishly and said, “Dad, thanks for making us go.  I enjoyed it.”   All parents cherish those rare moments.   The battle was worth it. 

In those moments, clarity is gifted to me.   I see life more clearly.  I slowly begin to understand why God allows us to endure certain trials.  Now I understand why we must be forced, at times, to do things we don’t want to do.   We buck, we complain, we cry and whine and yet God, often silent, remains unmoved.   Only after the experience, do we learn the lesson.  Only after the pain, do we see the purpose.  Only after the trial, do we learn to trust.  He does know what He’s doing, even when He seems like He doesn’t.   He doesn’t hate us, as we sometimes think in our adolescent faith.  He doesn’t want us miserable, though His decisions may make us miserable.  He puts us in the front row and makes us uncomfortable knowing that transformation is around the corner, should we humble ourselves to see it.  He is far more interested in our holiness than our happiness and He loves us in spite of how we treat Him.

He is Lord of the peanut.  I was lord of the play.   Both my sons and I learned a bit about parental sovereignty this week and how we are better because of it. 

“Our God is in the heavens; He does whatever He pleases.”  (Psalm 115:3)  

I’m so glad God doesn’t cave to my complaints.   I’m relieved He often doesn’t give me what I want.   I’m a better person when He says no to my spiritual tantrums…

Unless I have to attend a middle school girl’s basketball game.  No good can come from that.

Oh, and for the record – my son did go to school that next morning.   Nice try, kid.

Cards, Life and the hand you are dealt.

rodarters

7_playing_cardsMy first memory of playing cards was with my late grandmother, “Mom Mom Robinson.”   I enjoyed the various card games she taught me and have since played countless games of Poker, Rummy, Old Maid, Uno, etc. with my friends and family.  As the deck is being shuffled and the dealer deals your hand, it’s exciting to see what you will receive.   Once the cards are spread in your hand, it is your job to play the right card at the right time and see if you can win with what you have been given.  When my kids were younger, we played “Go Fish” regularly.  Competition coarses through my veins, even if my opponents can’t read or tie their shoes.  Even against my cute little seven-year old, I will find a way to leave him with the Old Maid.

I have learned that the game of cards is a lot like life.  You cannot control what cards you receive, only the cards you play.  We all receive genetic cards in our hand.   If blue eyes or heart disease or cancer runs in your family, the “chances” of you receiving one of those cards are high.  We all receive nurture cards.   If you grew up with a worrisome mother or angry father, you will probably receive a similar card in your hand.  Even the environment of the game is decided for you.  Some get to play in the freedom of America.  Others must play their cards in the poverty of Africa.  You have little control of the cards you receive.   You merely control what you choose to play and when you choose to play them.

For example, some receive the “Queen of cancer” card.   Their doctor diagnoses them with a stage four tumor and suddenly their outlook on the game of life is bleak.  How can they possibly win this game with that card in their hand?  Some receive the “Ace of unemployment” card.   The game has been going great until their employer hands them the dreaded “laid off” card.  Others receive the “Jack of betrayal” or the “King of sudden tragedy” card.   Of no fault of their own, they are given an undesired card of pain and must figure out how to navigate the rest of their life with this disadvantage.  Maybe the cards you have received aren’t face value cards.  Maybe it’s a “two of broken bone?” or a “three of minor car accident”?  Whether you receive a terrible face value card or a smaller, less significant card of annoyance, we all can relate to a hand of difficulty.

Of course, with every dealt hand, there are some good cards as well.   The “four of promotion” card can come from an employer after seeing your consistent hard work.  The “five of cancer free” card can come to those who fight the terrible disease and refuse to let the game end there.   Obviously, some of our cards are not tangible at all.  The “six of faith” card can be played by all – if you possess it.  The “seven of attitude” card is one we all have in our hand, though whether it is positive or negative is entirely up to the holder.  I love watching the “eight of humor” card in action.  Regardless of the current hand, those who play this card are just more fun to be around – even if they are losing the game.   The types of cards are endless.   Whereas a real card game gives you about seven cards per hand, life offers you much more.   Whereas a real card game might give you a joker or Old Maid, reality can provide some life changing cards in a matter of moments.

The truth is, most of us, at varying points, do not like the cards we are dealt.  When we compare them with others, we often complain and whine and wish we had their hand.   No hand is perfect and we cannot always attain desired cards.  Regardless of what we are given, we must figure out a way to play our best, play within the rules and do what we can with what we have been given.

  • Think about the cards Helen Keller was given.  Just shy of her 2nd birthday, she contracted an illness that left her permanently deaf and blind.   Without any of the advantages of modern medicine or technology, she became a world-famous speaker and writer, learning how to communicate in spite of the cards in her hand.
  • Jackie Robinson was given many cards to play.  Most impressive was his ability to play baseball.  He was also born black, a disadvantaged card to possess in the first half of the 20th century in America.  In spite of his race, Jackie played the card of resilience and by his example led the way for thousands of people of color to enter the realm of professional sports.
  • If given the choice, many would trade cards with Oprah Winfrey, a television talk show host, producer and philanthropist. The only thing more impressive than her successes are the cards she was given to play with.  Born to teenage parents in poverty-stricken Mississippi, she was repeatedly molested by male relatives.  To cope, she turned to drugs, alcohol and sex and gave birth to a premature baby when she was just 14.  The baby died a month later.  In spite of the beginning cards in her hand, she turned her life around and has become a true American success story.
  •  Chris Gardner could be any person reading this blog.   Married with one child, he invested his entire life savings into a business endeavor that did not work – financially devastating his family.  Soon after, his wife left him and his son.  If his loss of income and marriage were not bad enough, he also received “the card” of homelessness.  Chris took the cards he was given and learned how to win in spite of them.  In fact, so successful was his turn around that you can watch the story yourself on Netflix.  The movie made about his life is called, “The pursuit of Happyness” starring Will Smith.

I learned about the painful cards life can deal to you at the early age of five.   One month shy of my 6th birthday, I sat in the living room with my brother and sleeping father.   My brother and I were playing with some toys while Dad took a nap on the couch.  It was a rainy, cold December morning and I had no idea that I was about to receive a life-changing face value card of tragedy.   Without warning, a loud popping sound came from my Dad’s chest.  Immediately sensing a problem, I ran to get my Mom.  While I was explaining what I heard, another popping sound was heard.   When we reached Dad, he didn’t look good.  Something was definitely wrong.  Mom called 911 and within minutes the paramedics were there working on him.  Their efforts were in vain.  My Dad’s lungs (and my world) had collapsed.  He was 30 years old.  Cause of death: Viral Pneumonia. 

Nothing can prepare you for such a moment, particularly when you are five.  No one in my life had ever died so I was pretty unfamiliar with the concept.  A young child is not supposed to bury a parent.  A son is not supposed to face this world without his father.  Moms are wonderful but a son needs his Daddy.  When a boy grows up without his dad, he doesn’t just feel sad – he feels lost.  Navigating the woods without a compass is dangerous.  Navigating this world without a parent is terrifying.  That is the card I was dealt and it has impacted my “game” in profound ways.

I mention this card of mine, not for sympathy, but as a point.  We ALL have received unwanted, even painful cards in our life.  It comes with the territory of living in a fallen world amidst fallen people.  The cards we receive are up to God.  What we do with them is up to us.  As for  me, this particular painful card taught me some valuable lessons about hands and the cards that are in them.

  • Cards are not randomly given.  They are tailor-made for you.    Some may think we live in a random world or that our planet is governed by chance and luck.  It is not.  Like it or not, everything happens for a reason, even if you never understand the reason this side of eternity.  The cards you receive (good and bad) are in your hand for a reason.  You were given your specific cards in this century in your country in your family for “such a time as this.”    
  • The cards can help you grow.   Some are given a disability card at birth.  Others are given a card of privilege.  Regardless, each card can help you grow in ways you cannot fully appreciate in the moment.  For most of us, we have to lose the cards in our hands before we ever truly realize just how important they really were.  Some of you lost your Queen and are now holding a Joker.   Others may have lost their King but are learning how to play with a Two of Hearts instead.   Whatever you possess, play it wisely.   Your future is in your hands, literally.
  • The cards you play often benefit others.  How many times do we have a card in our hand and the moment we lay it down, someone else lights up with excitement?  The cards we discarded as trash serve as someone else’s treasure.  To us, they were not wanted or valuable.  To another, they are precious and useful.  Though I never want to imply that relationships are disposable, sometimes it is important to lay down certain cards (people, jobs, etc) so that another can pick them up and benefit their life.   Even if you were the one discarded, you still possess value.  Just like a card, your value is intrinsic.  Just because one player doesn’t want you does not mean that others won’t.  And sometimes, it is the card that is discarded that ends up winning the game for those who pick it up.  In the game of cards, we all know this is true.  Many times we slowly and hesitatingly lay down a card fearful that someone else will pick it up and make us regret the decision.   The discarded card can benefit others.

What are the cards in your hand?  Have you looked at them lately and really studied them?  Have you thought about discarding a few?   Perhaps your game is stagnant because you are holding on to cards you shouldn’t?   Perhaps you need a few “newer” cards from the draw pile to help you move on in the game?   Or maybe you need to stop laying down face value cards and begin learning the true value of what you have?   Maybe if we look at our personal circumstances as the cards that life brings us, it will change our perspective on this game called “Life.”

I have an old friend who was diagnosed with cancer a few years back.   She was treated and the cancer was removed.  Soon after, she joined a cancer survivors support group and quickly realized that so many in the group lacked hope, peace, comfort.   She found herself being the salve for wounded people.  After weeks of being in this group and getting to know its members, she was struck with two eye-opening truths about her experience:

  1. It is not a group that anyone really wants to join.  The price of admission is cancer.
  2. She realized that her participation in that group had a profound impact on fellow survivors.  She had become a source of encouragement and hope to those around her.  Then the thought hit her, maybe cancer was given to her so that others could see how a Christian handles it.  

Too often, we make the assumption that the things placed in our path are there for us alone.  God, however, is a multi-dimensional God.   Though there is always something we can learn from the experience, perhaps sometimes we endure a trial so that others can learn from our response to it.   Sometimes the lessons may not even be for those on Earth, but perhaps for God’s heavenly audience.   Ask the angels what they learned about their Creator watching Job’s saga unfold before their eyes.  

What cards have you been dealt?   Death of a loved one?  Disease?  Disability?  Unemployment?  Flat tire?  Speeding ticket?   What lessons have you learned from it?   Who are you helping as a result?  You have your particular cards for a reason.   Make it your mission not to waste the cards or the lesson. 

“…and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.  For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.” (I Corinthians 1:4-5)

Prayers for our children and why God doesn’t answer them

rodarters

man-praying-on-one-kneeAs a communicator to youth, it is not uncommon to have a parent ask me to pray for their children.   Parenting, on its best day, is a daunting task.  As a result, all parents should seek Divine guidance for their children.  They should pray for them and with them and model for them what prayer is and how it is to be done (Matthew 6:9-13).   Good parenting is a most difficult task and acquiring the prayers of many on your behalf can only benefit everyone.  And yet, in spite of all the prayers I have heard many sincere Christian parents pray, I have sometimes wondered why these prayers so often seem to go unanswered.   If God commands us to pray (I Thessalonians 5:17) and tells us to bring all our cares to Him (I Peter 5:7) – then why does it seem that with our most sincere prayers about our most precious cares (our children) our many petitions seem to be ignored?    Scripture reveals at least ten reasons why God does not answer our prayers:

1)      We do not ask.

  • How often does God not answer our prayers simply because we have not asked Him to?   If we cannot motivate or humble ourselves to approach His throne and pray the prayers, why would God be motivated to answer on our behalf?  If we do not care enough to ask, we are showing God just how un-important that request really is to us.
  • “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.  Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he?   If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!” (Matthew 7:7-11)
  • “You do not have because you do not ask.”  (James 4:2)

2)      Our prayers lack faith.

  • When you pray, do you really believe God will answer?  We must believe that God not only can – but will – answer our prayers according to His will.
  •  “And all things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive.”  (Matthew 21:22)
  • “But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind.  For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.” (James 1:6-8)

3)      We pray with wrong motives.

  • Think through your prayers and their motive.  God is just as concerned about our requests as He is with the heart of our requests.
  • “When you pray, you are not to be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on the street corners so that they may be seen by men.   Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. ” And when you are praying, do not use meaningless repetition as the Gentiles do, for they suppose that they will be heard for their many words. (Matthew 6:5, 7)
  • “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites, because you devour widows’ houses, and for a pretense you make long prayers; therefore you will receive greater condemnation.”  (Matthew 23:14)
  • “You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.” (James 4:3)

4)      Our requests are inappropriate.

  •  “James and John, the two sons of Zebedee, came up to Jesus, saying, “Teacher, we want You to do for us whatever we ask of You.”  And He said to them, “What do you want Me to do for you?”  They said to Him, “Grant that we may sit, one on Your right and one on Your left, in Your glory.”   (Mark 10:35-37)

5)      Our requests are not within His will.

  • “Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done.”  (Luke 22:42)
  • ”Truly, truly, I say to you, if you ask the Father for anything in My name, He will give it to you.”  (John 16:23)
  • “This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.  And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him.”       (I John 5:14-15)

6)      Our timing is different from His.

  • The story of Lazarus’ death and resurrection reveals to us that our timing is not God’s timing in regards to the answering of our prayers.  (John 11:1-45)

7)      A “NO” is in our spiritual best interest, whether we recognize that or not.

  • ”Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me–to keep me from exalting myself!  Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me.   And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.”  Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.”  (II Corinthians 12:7-10)
  • Would Paul have learned to be “well content with weaknesses, insults, distresses, persecutions or difficulties” had the Lord honored his request to remove the thorn?    It was the thorn (the very thing he prayed to remove) that taught him about Christ’s strength in his weakness.

8)      He is testing our hearts.

  • I have learned that the quickest way for me to access the condition of my children’s heart is for me to say “No” to them.  How children respond to the “No’s” we give them reveals much more about their heart than one thousand “Yes’s”.    In the same way, God may often say “No” to us, simply to see if we trust Him, His way or His timing.   How do you respond to the “No’s” God gives you?  (Read Job chapter 1-2 for a biblical example on this).

9)      Our sin gets in the way.

  • Parent, what sins are keeping your prayers from being heard?   Just as you will not bless your children while they disobey you, so God will not answer your prayers if you have un-confessed sin in your life.
  • “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.”  (James 5:16)

10)  We sabotage our own prayers.

  • Do not pray for your child’s wayward, disobedient heart and then shield them from (or remove altogether!) the weight of the consequences of their sin.   Too many parents (in the name of mercy, child-pleasing, etc) allow their children to escape the punishment of their sins which works against your prayers.
  • “and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons,
    “MY SON, DO NOT REGARD LIGHTLY THE DISCIPLINE OF THE LORD,
    NOR FAINT WHEN YOU ARE REPROVED BY HIM; FOR THOSE WHOM THE LORD LOVES HE DISCIPLINES, AND HE SCOURGES EVERY SON WHOM HE RECEIVES.”  It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?  But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.  Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live?  For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness.  All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.      (Hebrews 12:5-11)
  • Perhaps the peaceful fruit of righteousness is missing from your children because you have blocked the Lord’s discipline in their lives?

One day, I had a parent call me about her wayward, teenage son.   She spent the majority of the time telling me how her son has little interest in spiritual things, doesn’t read his Bible and he never goes to church or youth group, though she encourages him to do so.   After 30 minutes of listening to this loving mother talk about her desires and prayers for her child, she made an interesting confession.  She does not read her Bible or attend church either.   Like mother, like son.   The fruit, as they say, does not fall far from the tree.

We should pray for our kids and then make sure we are living out those prayers in our own life.   Parenting is more caught than taught and though our prayers are important, our example can work against the most sincerely worded prayer.    Prayers are with our lips.  Practice is with our life.    Both need to match as our children tend to follow our ways over our words.

The “Jerks” that grow us

rodarters
What "Jerks" do when you're defusing a bomb.
What “Jerks” do when you’re defusing a bomb.

I just got off the phone with a jerk.  A self-righteous, condescending jerk.  I don’t talk with this person that often but when I do – it feels like finger nails down the chalkboard.   The sound of their voice irritates me.  Their intentionally chosen words reek of arrogance.  Even over the phone, you can feel the thick condescension.  This person doesn’t like me and they are not afraid to let me know it.   I was even reminded recently that I am a pain in their… um, neck.

Motivational speaker, Jim Rohn, says that there are only 6-7 jerks in the whole world.  Unfortunately, he says, they move around a lot.   

If we are honest, we all have a “Jerk” (or three) in our life.   Maybe it’s the guy at work.   The neighbor down the street.  The woman at church.  The distant relative.  For some, the “Jerk” might live closer to home in the form of a Spouse (or Ex), Child, Parent, In-law?

In some cases, we can just avoid them.  Other times, because of life circumstances (family affliliation, neighbors, work environments), we must interact with them, even daily, for years.  How do we handle it?  Sometimes the flesh takes over and we verbally “duke” it out.

Unfortunately, there are days when I am someone else’s “Jerk.”    I hate that thought but I’m pretty sure it’s true.  Somewhere, out there, some person is blogging about how they met me, a jerk.  Hopefully, they’ll realize I was having a bad day.  Or maybe they’ll just assume I was raised poorly.  Most likely, they will think that deep down, I am just a mean person.   Yea, that’s probably it.   I mean, isn’t that what we think about our “Jerks?”

Over the years, I have come to realize that having a “Jerk” in your life can be a blessing.   There are things that I have learned from these “Jerks” that I could not have learned from anyone else.   Whereas I’m tempted to ignore them, I actually realize (now) that I need them.  Whereas I’m tempted to silence their voice, I have come to appreciate (now) their opposing views.   Whereas I generally wish they would leave me alone, I (now) am glad they infiltrate my comfortable existence now and then.   Mostly then.

Here are a few things the “Jerks” have taught me.

  • I am just like them.   This is a hard truth to swallow but sometimes the reason I don’t like them is because I’m just like them.   There are parts of me that I do not like and though I  don’t think I’m like the “Jerk” in any way, when I stop to think about it – I’m more like them than I care to admit.  Their presence in my life forces me to address things I prefer not to address.   If their arrogance annoys me it is probably because the pride in my heart resonates with it.   If their impatience bothers me it is probably because I hate the impatience that lives within me towards others.   Their annoyance, some times, is merely a mirror to the things about me that I do not like.   We have a hard time staring at a mirror when we see things we do not like.  “Jerks” have a way of showing us our imperfections while we hate them for it.
  • Humility.   “Jerks” say things that we ultimately disagree with.   They say things that are perhaps mean or even untrue.  They may even say things simply to push our buttons because they love our reaction.   Even so, I have found there are two primary responses to a “Jerk’s” criticism.  The first, most natural response is “Go away” or “Shut up” or “You’re a jerk.”   Even if these responses do not leave my lips, that is what my heart is screaming at them.   But why do I want to react that way?   Because I am hurt.   And in my hurt, what do I do?  I treat them the way they are treating me.  In essence, I become like the “Jerk” I hate which only proves my first point, I’m not that much different than they are.   The second response to a “Jerk’s” criticism is very unnatural and quite opposite, it is one of humility.   “Thank you for helping me see a different side of that coin.”  Or “I appreciate that perspective.  I did not think about it like that.”  Regardless of the humble words used, it can produce a humble heart from where the words are drawn.   When I am being criticized by a Jerk, I often find the words of a 5th century Catholic Monk (St. Francis of Assissi) echoing in my brain, “Seek first to understand, then be understood.”  Seeking first to understand their perspective in this verbal lashing helps create a humble heart in me.   When my heart is humbled, my fists are lowered.  When my fists are lowered, my tongue tends to not be as sharp.   When my tongue has been dulled, my words become more kind.   Humility absorbs the blow.   “A soft answer turns away wrath.” (Proverbs 15:1)
  • Understanding & Patience.   I am painfully aware of how far I am from where I want to be.   Sometimes I do what I don’t want to do.   Sometimes I say what I don’t really want to say.  Sometimes I act in a way that is not consistent with how I really want to act.  I have some areas that I am trying to work on and really could use some patience from others as I work this stuff out.   When I encounter a “Jerk”, this thought often crosses my mind – “Be patient.”   Perhaps they are far from where they want to be too.   Perhaps they are saying or doing something (even to me) that they really don’t want to be saying or doing.   For whatever reason, I am bringing out a side in them that maybe they don’t like and what they could use is some understanding and patience from me.

I recently had two friends of mine leave my life because I was a “Jerk.”   One thought I had lied to them.   I did not.  The other thought I was judging them.   I was not.   But, looking at the situation from their perspective, I understand why they think those things.   Given their thought process (and past history with others), it makes sense why they thought I was being a “Jerk” to them.   In both cases, they have said hurtful and mean things to me.   In both cases, I have apologized and tried to fix their incorrect perceptions.  In both cases, they are still in the non-friend category.   I’m still a “Jerk” and it’s easier for them to keep me there.   Even so, in both cases I have tried to be understanding and patient – even leaving the door of friendship open for them to come through again.  It’s not likely.  I mean, who wants to be friends with a “Jerk?”  Such is the problem with being someone’s “Jerk.”   Even when you try not to be one, you can still become one to others.

Years ago, a  close friend of mine and I took a trip to Ecuador on a soccer missions trip.  During one of our practice days, guys on the team liked to play chess, a favorite game of mine.   Given that there were over 20 of us on the team, and only one board – we had to take turns playing this long game.   My friend Brady was in the middle of an intense match with another teammate when he left to run an errand that would take him several hours.   Seeing the board in mid-game but unattended was frustrating.  Others wanted to play but did not want to ruin their game.   It was then that we came up with a brilliant solution.  We carefully recorded where each piece was, leaving a detailed map, and then began a new game for ourselves.   When our game was complete, we would put their game back together and everyone would be happy.  Unfortunately, Brady returned before our game was completed.   When he saw that we had “ruined” his game, he was immediately angered.   To him, we were “Jerks” for disrespecting his game.   Instantly, he took our board and lifted it up causing pieces to go flying everywhere.   Stunned by his sudden “Jerk-like” actions, we protested and got into a verbal argument.   The mood was tense.   When I produced the drawing of his board, this former “Jerk” immediately became remorseful.   Instantly his demeanor changed and humility set in.  He had just realized what he had done.   Thinking we ruined his game, he ruined ours.   Our game was over but thanks to our detailed drawing, his game could continue as before.   That is, if I didn’t immediately rip the sheet up.  Which I did.  (We already established I’m a “Jerk”, right?)

Here’s the point.   Brady was (and still is 23 years later) one of my closest friends.  We are both Bible reading Christians, taught to “turn the other cheek.”   We both were on a Christian mission trip sharing the love of God with others.   Because of our age at that time, we were both considered leaders on this team and looked up to by our younger teammates.  And in spite of all of that, we both acted like children and behaved like “Jerks.”   Over a stupid game.

“Jerks” come in all shapes and sizes.  They can be the town prostitute or the local Pastor.   They can be called “Daughter” or “Dad.”   They can teach at a seminary or sit at a bar.  And that inner “Jerk” can come out at any moment when you least expect it (in traffic, long store lines, church, home or even during a harmless game of chess).   Sadly, we are all one word or deed away from being someone’s “Jerk” today.

When your “Jerk” calls today, how will you treat them?   When your nemesis arrives, how will you react to their fiery verbal darts?  It’s easy to treat people the way they deserve.  It takes more strength of character to love them in spite of themselves. 

Next time you encounter a “Jerk”, consider the actions of Christ.   While on the cross, He forgave His executioners.  While struggling to breathe, He pardoned those insulting Him.   While in excruciating pain, He prayed for His enemies, “Father, forgive (these “Jerks”) for they do not know what they are doing.” (Emphasis mine)for jerks blog

The following quote (below) has had a profound impact on my life and interactions with the “Jerks” I encounter.   These words pound my conscience even when my hands want to wring their necks.   May it challenge you as it has challenged me.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? (Jesus in Matthew 5:43-47)

Perhaps we can reduce the number of “Jerks” in this world, starting today, with the person in our own mirror?

A real man: What women want to find and boys want to be.

rodarters

Every boy growing up learns how to be a man from one of three places;

  1. his own father’s example (good or bad),
  2. other men he knows & sees and
  3. from the constant cultural impressions on his impressionable life.  

If a boy grows up with an absentee or abusive father, his view of manhood can be similarly shaped.  If a boy has access to Uncles or coaches or teachers that are caring, he is taught that men should act likewise.  If he is heavily influenced by Hollywood’s heroes, a small lad might think that womanizing or fighting or breaking the law is what a real man does.  Even men on powerful platforms (politicians, athletes, musicians) can model what men are supposed to say or do. 

By the time a boy is in his teens, the messages are mixed and can be quite confusing.  From their perspective – “Dad says one thing, Uncle Ricky says another and my favorite athlete handles situations completely different from my teacher.  Do real men lie or tell the truth?  Do they cheat or are they supposed to be faithful?   Do they work hard or are they lazy?  Are they tough or are they allowed to cry?”  These thoughts bounce around a boy’s brain as he tries to figure out what a real man is supposed to look like.  By the time a boy is ten, he has seen the full range of male behavior; the good the bad and the ugly – all from adults who are supposed to know better. 

But, what is a real man?   What does he look like?   It’s a question that begs an answer.  It’s an answer that every boy yearns to learn.  And it’s a question whose answer, on a good day, feels largely subjective.  

From the dozen of men in my life that have left an imprint on my image of manhood (good and bad), I have gathered that a “real man” has the following attributes.  Granted, very few men possess all the traits listed below at the same time.  Having said that, every man should die trying, not only for their own benefit but because somewhere out there a little boy is looking up to them wondering if they are a real man too.    

I have the scary privilege of raising two boys in this testosterone deficient world.   Though I am not their only male example (Thank God!), I am a primary one and much of what they glean about manhood will come from my playbook.  Like every man on the planet, my boys have seen both a good and bad example from my life.  The older I get, the more committed I become to improving that example.  As I feel their little eyes on me, I am trying to be more consistent with the message I communicate to them.   Trying to get my life to match my lips.

This sculpture masterpiece of the Renaissance was created by the Italian artist Michelangelo. The statue represents the Biblical hero David and took him over 2 years to complete.
This sculpture masterpiece of the Renaissance was created by the Italian artist Michelangelo. The statue represents the Biblical hero David and took him over 2 years to complete.

In 1464 an artist by the name of Agostino was commissioned to create a statue of the biblical king, David.  A block of marble was provided and Agostino chiseled the legs, feet & torso.  For reasons  unknown, the project was halted and the half-finished sculpture sat untouched, exposed to the elements for the next 35 years.  In 1501, another artist was given the contract to continue the work.  In the early hours of September 13th, a twenty-six year old artist named Michelangelo began to chisel an enormous clump of rock.  Over the next two years, Michelangelo worked diligently and finally completed one of the greatest pieces of art the world has ever known. 

As every woman will attest, every man begins like that clump of stone.   Some of us stay like that the rest of our lives.  Others have some work done on them (ex. legs, feet and torso) and then sit dormant for years.   Some of us, after an extended season of inactivity, will have someone enter our lives and (like Michelangelo) begin to sculpt the crude marble into a work of art.  The point is, we are all a work in progress.  Some are further along than others but all of us need the touch of a divine artist to finish the commissioned work.  By God’s grace, even I will one day become the man He’s calling me to be.   By God’s grace, the men in your life will too.   Until then, we all need more time with the Artist and His chisel.

What does a real man look like?  This list is a good start.

  • A real man keeps his word, even when it hurts.
  • A real man chooses his words carefully.
  • A real man builds up others.
  • A real man always tells the truth.
  • A real man controls his tongue.
  • A real man encourages others.
  • A real man faces his problems.
  • A real man owns up to his mistakes.
  • A real man can admit his wrongs.
  • A real man faces consequences.
  • A real man can ask for forgiveness when he is wrong.
  • A real man can confront wrong.
  • A real man can show his emotions and share his feelings.
  • A real man is patient with others.
  • A real man is not easily offended.
  • A real man can handle criticism.
  • A real man treats others with respect, especially his elders, women, children and animals.
  • A real man never hits a woman.
  • A real man always looks out for the interest of others.
  • A real man sacrifices for those he loves.
  • A real man protects his family.
  • A real man loves God.
  • A real man honors his parents.
  • A real man loves his wife.
  • A real man controls his temper.
  • A real man loves his children and is an active Dad.
  • A real man is a servant leader.
  • A real man provides for his family.
  • A real man takes care of his house.
  • A real man is a good steward of what has been given to him.
  • A real man is a model citizen.
  • A real man is honest.
  • A real man leads by example.
  • A real man has a strong work ethic.
  • A real man is responsible & dependable.
  • A real man never gives up.
  • A real man is faithful.
  • A real man always does the right thing.
  • A real man is a man of character and integrity.
  • A real man never runs from problems.
  • A real man is confident enough to wear pink.
  • A real man does not do drugs.
  • A real man does not abuse people or substances.
  • A real man can be trusted.
  • A real man is selfless.
  • A real man is under authority and respects authority.

Know any real men in your life?   Becoming one is more caught than taught.   Send them this link and thank them for their example.  Better yet, thank the artists that helped them get there.  

  • “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17)
  • “Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.  Let all that you do be done in love.”  (I Corinthians 16:13-14)
  • “He has told you, O man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?” (Micah 6:8)

Trusting a total stranger… totally

rodarters

map of philadelphiaA few years ago, for my Mom’s 50th birthday, I took her to a musical concert in center city Philadelphia.   If you know downtown Philadelphia, it is a maze of one way streets.  It didn’t take me long to become “misplaced” in this big city at night.   I seemed to be driving in circles and struggled to find our destination. 

My Mom, being a natural born worrier, was convinced we were going to get carjacked.  Considering the murder rate in the “City of Brotherly Love”, car jacking would have been welcomed.  The only thing worse than being carjacked at night in Philadelphia is being carjacked at night in Philadelphia with your Mother.  That’s just embarrassing.  At any rate, we were sufficiently lost, running late and needed to find our way to the concert.  Since this was before the days of GPS and smart phone navigation apps, all I had was a AAA fold out map and my concerned mother as the co-pilot.  Being that my Mom had never driven in Philadelphia or used maps or enjoyed driving at night or enjoyed being in the most dangerous section of a dangerous city, she was not much help in the fetal position – hyperventilating on the floor of the car.  Time was running out and I knew I had to do something that would go against every male fiber in my being – ask for directions.  

Being evening, my options were limited.   I could either ask the group of men talking in the middle of the street or the lovely young lady on the opposite street corner.   My Mom was convinced the group of men were part of a gang and interested in taking our car.   Being her birthday, I obliged her fears and headed towards the woman.   As I slowed down, she approached my car with a strange familiarity.  Immediately, I realized two things.  First, this was no ordinary woman.  By all appearances, she was an employee in the world’s oldest profession.  Secondly, she knew the city streets well.  

My Mom was aghast.
Mom: “You can’t stop here. You can’t talk to her! Do you know what she does for a living?”
Me: “Yes, I know EXACTLY what she does for a living and no one knows these streets better than her.”

After talking to my female GPS friend, I got the directions and we were on our way.

At some point in time, we have all been in foreign cities (or cities foreign to us) and have gotten lost.  Being lost on unfamiliar turf, sometimes the only way to our destination is to ask a local.  After all, no one knows the area better.   We approach with humility, ask for directions and do exactly as they say, particularly if they seem confident in their response.

But, how do we know they are really a local?  How do we know they are telling the truth?  How do we know the people we ask really know where we are trying to go?  

Occasionally, while in a foreign city, another traveler will approach me (assuming I am a local) and ask me for directions.  To be honest, before I tell them I am from out of town as well, I have a very sinister thought.  Having no idea where they want to go, there is a tiny evil twin inside of me that wants to start giving very specific, clear directions and see if they believe me.

“Oh sure.  I know exactly where you need to go.   You want to take a right at the light.  Turn left onto Main Street.  Go past the bank and take another right at the school.   Go 1.3 miles and your destination is on the left.”  

For all they know, I could be sending them in the opposite direction or directly to the local graveyard.   For all I know, I may have just given them directions into a dangerous, car-jacking part of town. 

Likewise, we have all flown in an airplane.  We plan our trip, buy our ticket, get to our gate, board our plane and walk right by the cockpit without knowing the pilot’s name, his credentials or if he is even sober.  How do we know he is really a pilot?   Did he graduate from airline pilot school with straight A’s or is this guy the class clown who barely passed?  Does he even know where he is going?

The girl giving directions.  The man flying our plane.  The doctor in surgery.  The local mechanic.   Complete strangers to us and we trust them.  We trust them implicitly, without hesitation.

If we can trust these people with directions or even our very lives, why do we struggle trusting the God of creation?

God has never forgotten to rise the sun.  He has never been late on a sunset.  He keeps the stars in place and causes planets to orbit without collision.  He provides rain for the grass blade and food for the ant.  He knows when a sparrow falls to the ground and He’s counted the number of hairs on your head.  He gives what is good to those who ask Him and through “His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness” (2 Peter 1:3).  If that were not enough, He loves us more than we can even love ourselves.  So much, that He died in our place so that we can live in His.

Next time you ask for directions, be reminded of who you are trusting.  Next time you board a plane, remember that your life is in the hands of a total stranger.  They don’t know your name.  They don’t care about your day.   But you trust them without blinking.  A total stranger.   We trust an unknown stranger before we trust the God who knows us.  The truth is, God is a stranger to those who do not trust Him.

Is He a stranger to you?

“And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.” (Hebrews 11:6)

No Pain, No Gain

rodarters

A few years ago I was part of a small group discussion.  Around the room were 12 people, all from my church, ranging in age from late 20’s to mid 60’s.  Although I had a friendship with every person present, most in the room did not know each other. Because of this, I asked each person to introduce themselves and share how they became a Christian, the common denominator of our lives.  Hearing how people come to faith in Christ is always an interesting exercise.

As the folks went around the room, a common theme emerged.

  • One came to Christ when her 19-year-old son was killed in an automobile “wreck”.   She went on to tell us how there are no “accidents” in God’s world.
  • One became a Christian via the example & death of his Grandmother.
  • One believed after watching her uncle die of cancer.
  • Another came to faith after losing his family because of his successful business and long hours away from home.
  • Another came to Christ because of a divorce.
  • A broken engagement devastated another into the arms of God.
  • As for me, my father’s sudden death (when I was 5) was instrumental in helping me recognize my need for God.

As they shared their story, I was amazed at the number of people who came to God because of a tragedy or loss.  It reminded me of the famous quote credited to C.S. Lewis, “God whispers in our pleasure but shouts in our pain.” Apparently, we listen more clearly when pain is involved.

As I look through the Scriptures, I see a similar pattern.

  • The Apostle Paul came to Christ after being blind for 3 days (Acts 9).
  • King Nebuchadnezzar repented after being humiliated by God in front of his nation (Daniel 3).
  • The prophet Jonah finally obeyed God’s voice after experiencing three life-threatening days in the belly of a fish.  (Jonah 3)
  • The thief on the cross gave his life to Christ while he was being executed (Luke 23).
  • The woman at the well came to Christ after her embarrassing lifestyle was revealed (John 4).
  • Even Pharaoh bent his knee to God (although briefly) when he lost his firstborn son (Exodus 11).

None of the people listed above would have submitted to God without some sort of painful experience.

Do not underestimate the power of pain.  Though we would not naturally choose the painful path, oftentimes it is the only way some are aware of God’s presence.  The thing we try to avoid the most seems to be the thing God uses most often to draw our attention to Him.

We tend to view pain as bad because it hurts but God seems to view pain as beneficial because of what it produces in our lives.  At first glance, one might be tempted to view God as mean or unloving or even cruel for causing or allowing pain in our lives.  But think for a moment about the positive aspects of pain:

  • Without pain, you would not know you have a splinter that could cause a life-threatening infection.
  • Without pain, you would not be able to tell you were on fire – permanently damaging your skin.
  • Without pain, you would not realize your urgent need to see a doctor.
  • Without pain, you would not realize your current behavior is hurting those around you. 
  • Without pain, you would not fully appreciate what it means to feel good.

The knowledge and experience of pain not only helps prolong your life but it also helps you appreciate (more fully) the presence of pleasure.  Sunny days are more appreciated after a week of rain.  We tend to be more grateful for the warmth of Spring because it follows a cold Winter.   As a friend recently reminded me, “You have to put up with rain if you want a rainbow.”

For those who have ever lifted weights, you know what I’m talking about.  When weight lifting, it is only when your muscle begins to hurt that you are truly building the muscle. All the work prior to the pain, was simply the precursor to the growth. Once you feel the pain in your muscle, that is when you must continue in order to grow like you desire.  There is a lot of truth to the adage, “No pain, no Gain“.

I am not suggesting that we should necessarily aim for pain in our personal lives.  I am not in support of joining the local sado-maschist group in your community or look for ways to get hurt.  But I am suggesting to view pain from a different perspective, next time it invades your life.

Remember, it was Joseph who reminded his brothers (after they left him for dead in a well and then sold him to Egypt) that what they “intended for harm, God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” (Genesis 50:20)

I can’t tell you the number of times that I have experienced pain in my life.  Sometimes, it seems that pain is the default setting in my life.  As I am going through it, I hate every minute of it.  I look for ways to end it.   I do what I can to minimize it.  I desperately want to be on the other side of it.   That is human nature.   Days, weeks, months or years later – when I reflect on that painful experience, I almost always see good that came out of it.   Whether it was a physical pain or even an emotional or relational pain, I am able to see how that particular experience, though painful, helped me grow as a result. 

Cognitively, I realize pain’s benefit.  In spite of that recognition, I still do what I can to avoid it.  And that is why God, as a loving Father, continues to allow us to experience it because He knows it is often the ONLY way we’ll grow.   Fortunately for us, God isn’t interested in our happiness as much as He is interested in our holiness.  He’s cares more about our growth than He does our games.   He loves us too much to let us be comfortable and stagnant.   His goal is to grow us to maturity, not let us remain in our childish ways.  We can cry, complain and stomp our feet at Him, it doesn’t matter.  He knows how to grow us and nothing will keep Him from it, even our tears.  

Speaking of tears, even God’s own son, asked for another option besides the excruciatingly painful cross.  Jesus’ wasn’t as concerned about the physical pain of crucifixion as He was about the relational pain of separation.   God called Him to die for His people and the only way it would “work” was through the painful experience of the cross.   For the first time ever, the Son would be separated from the Father.  They had only ever enjoyed blissful communion with each other and now Jesus was about to experience blistering condemnation.  It would literally kill Him.  The cross was the only way for a righteous Judge to pardon His people’s crimes.  The death of a sinless Savior would be the only payment accepted.   Jesus could cry all He wanted, pain was inevitable and God Himself would not stop it from coming – even with His Son.   Some misinterpret this as proof that God is unloving.  If the avoidance of pain was God’s primary goal, then yes, God would be unloving to put His Son through such agony.  But if God had a greater goal that could only be accomplished with pain, greater love has never been shown.   The pain proves it.

The writer of Hebrews puts it into perspective, “Although Jesus was a son, He learned obedience from what He suffered.” (5:8)

Jesus’ brother, James, understood the positives of pain when he wrote, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4)

What’s your perspective on the pain in your life?

  • Instead of focusing on your painful experience, perhaps God is using it to save/teach many lives through you.
  • Instead of complaining how much something hurts you, recognize that maybe God is trying to teach you obedience.
  • Instead of throwing yourself a pity party, be thankful that He can use such trials to give you a more mature faith.
  • Perhaps you need an injection of gratefulness and the only way to receive it is through the needle of pain.

Pain is a part of our lives.   For most of us, it is the only way we grow.

Remember, no pain, no gain – even spiritually.

no pain, no gain

Rites of Passage – From Boys to Men

rodarters

knighthoodI was looking at my 14-year-old son this weekend.  It was the kind of look a parent occasionally gives when they are “soaking in” the gift before them.  I was having a flashback to when he was a baby.  Then I recalled a funny memory when he was a toddler.  Today, he is a freshman in high school, by all definitions, a teenager.  And then my brain started to go to the future.  In four years, he’ll be in college or in the work force.  And then it hit me.  The boy before me will one day (soon) become a man.  But when?   How?  What do I need to do to help him transform?  Or am I already doing it?   Is there a class he should sign up for?   Is there a test to take?  Is there a certificate I can print out?   If you make a boy with “snips and snails and puppy dog tails”, how do you make a man?

In some cultures, there is a specific rite of passage that signifies when this change occurs.

  • For a Jew, a Bah Mitzvah ceremony at age 13 would be the clear rite of passage into adulthood.  
  • Among the cattle herding Barabaig culture of East Africa, their rite of passage is a bit more difficult.  The boys’ heads are shaved and their foreheads are cut with three deep horizontal incisions that go down to the bone and extend from ear to ear.  This mark leaves permanent scars that identify a male as having received “gar.”  Sometimes, the incisions are deep enough to show up on the skulls.
  • Among the Luiseño Indians, boys have to lay on red ant mounds and not cry out from pain as they are repeatedly bitten over long periods of time. They were also given toloache, a powerful hallucinogenic drug that made them ill and apparently sometimes caused their death.
  • Among some Australian Aborigine societies, a boy would have several of his incisor teeth knocked out with a sharp rock by the adult men who were instructing him in the duties and obligations of manhood and the secrets of their religion.

Most of these rite of passage rituals were intended to be painful in order to increase the importance of the transition to adulthood.  If that is the ticket to manhood today, my son might prefer to remain a boy.  After all the money spent on braces, I’m grateful I am not an Australian Aborigine.    

In America, our rite of passage is not so clear.  When does a boy become a man in the land of the free?   When he first shaves the whiskers off his chin?   When he can drive?  When he can vote?  His first real job?  When he has his own checking account?  College graduation?  Marriage?  Sadly, even after some of these landmarks have been passed, many males are still only bigger boys.   In spite of turning 16 or 18 or 21, many males are no closer to manhood simply because they are older.  Regardless of achieving certain cultural milestones (even marriage!), many still act like selfish boys nowhere close to the standard of manhood required for such an endeavor.

What is God’s rite of passage into manhood?  How does God grow a boy into a man?  Apparently, through trials of faith.  Knowing God, this should make sense.  Humans are always focused on the physical, while God is infatuated with the spiritual.  We are focused on the flesh, while God is all about the spirit.  As God reminded the prophet Samuel, “God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (I Samuel 16:7) 

In the book of Daniel (chapter one), you find the story of 3 Jewish boys better known by their pagan names; Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego.  As Jewish exiles in captivity in Babylon, they are ordered by the King to study in the palace.  They were specifically chosen because of their age and special characteristics.  Before chapter one is over, God refers to them as “youths” on four separate occasions.  The implication is clear, God considered them boys. 

While they were at the palace, the “king assigned them a daily amount of food and wine from the king’s table.”  Though the food was fit for a king, it was not fit for a practicing Jew and the dietary restrictions placed on them by the Law of Moses.  Because of this, “Daniel resolved not to defile himself with the royal food and wine, and he asked the chief official for permission not to defile himself this way.  Now God had caused the official to show favor and compassion to Daniel, but the official told Daniel, “I am afraid of my lord the king, who has assigned your food and drink. Why should he see you looking worse than the other youth your age?  The king would then have my head because of you.”

Daniel then said to the guard, “Please test your servants for ten days: Give us nothing but vegetables to eat and water to drink. Then compare our appearance with that of the youths who eat the royal food, and treat your servants in accordance with what you see.”  So he agreed to this and tested them for ten days.

At the end of the ten days they looked healthier and better nourished than any of the youths who ate the royal food.  So the guard took away their choice food and the wine they were to drink and gave them vegetables instead.

To these four youths God gave knowledge and understanding of all kinds of literature and learning. And Daniel could understand visions and dreams of all kinds.

God, the king, even Daniel agreed with the assessment – they are mere boys.

In chapter 3, King Nebuchadnezzar had made a golden statue (90 feet tall x 9 feet wide) for the entire nation to worship.  At the appointed time, on a musical cue, everyone was to bow down and worship the idol. Those who refused to bow were to be thrown immediately into a blazing furnace.  The musical cue was given and out of an entire nation, apparently only 3 were left standing; Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.  In spite of their tender age and lacking adult role models, these devout Jewish boys refused to bow to any god but their own.

The boys who chose to honor God with their diet were equally committed to honoring God with their feet.  Their decision to stand was clearly life threatening. 

  • Within minutes, these defiant boys would be identified.  Within minutes so would their faith. 
  • Moments earlier, they blended in with the crowd.   Moments later, they stood out from it. 
  • Their bodies looked like that of a boy.  Their spirit was that of a man. 
  • Their age was that of a child.  Their faith was that of an adult. 

Their rite of passage into manhood had begun.  Notice the change of description God gives boys who exercise such faith.  

  • Nebuchadnezzar was told of their civil disobedience, “These men , O king, have disregarded you; they do not serve your gods or worship the golden image which you have set up.
  • Then Nebuchadnezzar in rage and anger gave orders to bring Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego; then these men were brought before the king.”

Boys would “cower” before a king.  Men will not.  As the King interrogated them about their decision to stand, he gave them one more opportunity to recant their defiant decision.   His satanic threat could not be missed.  His tone could not be more serious.  His intimidation could not be more real, “Now when you hear the sound of the music, if you are ready to fall down and worship the image I made, very good. But if you do not worship it, you will be thrown immediately into a blazing furnace. Then what god will be able to rescue you from my hand?”

Their response is as impressive as it is unflinching, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter.   If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand.  But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

Threats can intimidate a fearful boy.  It does not move a man a faith.  In spite of a private audience with an enraged dictator, they trusted God with the results. 

Their manhood is further etched in Scripture, “Then these men were tied up in their trousers, their coats, their caps and their other clothes, and were cast into the midst of the furnace of blazing fire.  But these three men , Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, fell into the midst of the furnace of blazing fire still tied up. Then Nebuchadnezzar the king was astounded and stood up in haste; he said to his high officials, “Was it not three men we cast bound into the midst of the fire?” They replied to the king, “Certainly, O king.” He said, “Look! I see four men loosed and walking about in the midst of the fire without harm, and the appearance of the fourth is like a son of the gods!  The satraps, the prefects, the governors and the king’s high officials gathered around and saw in regard to these men that the fire had no effect on the bodies of these men nor was the hair of their head singed, nor were their trousers damaged, nor had the smell of fire even come upon them.”

Before the testing of their faith, they were boys.  Afterward, they were regarded as men. 

Boys, have you passed through God’s rite of passage yet?   Apparently it is not an age requirement or the ability to jump over some cultural milestone.  It seems to have less to do with your body and more to do with your spirit.  In God’s economy, it seems to be less physical and more spiritual.  If that is true, how old are you really?   By human standards, you may be 14 – but would God consider you a man of faith?   By a human calendar the culture may say you are a man – but are you so in God’s eyes?

Remember, we are to have a child-like faith, not a childish one. (Matthew 18:3-5)   Just like in our physical world, God’s goal is maturity… in faith.  This was Paul’s frustration with the church in Corinth when he wrote, “I could not address you as people who live by the Spirit but as people who are still worldly — mere infants in Christ.  I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere humans?”  (I Corinthians 3:1-3)

God is looking to change boys into men.  Unfortunately, too many boys have too few men to look to as guides.  Too many boys remain boys far too long in our current culture.  Too many men look to an incorrect standard to measure their masculinity.  Sadly, we have somehow equated manhood with success or sexual prowess when God appears to measure it via spiritual maturity.

Adult, how old are you really – in God’s eyes?   You might be an adult in your body but are you really one in your spirit?

At age twelve we are told that “Jesus kept increasing in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.” (Luke 2:52)

The Apostle Paul declared, “When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.” (I Corinthians 13:11)

As I groom my son to become a man one day, I’m tempted to take him fishing.  Or hunting.  Or show him how to shoot a gun.  Or use a hammer.   Or change the oil.  Or rotate the car tires.   All good things for men to know.   But without passing the baton of my faith, what have I really given him?  

My $86,400 gift

rodarters

Last night, I was awoken by the doorbell.  I looked at my clock – it was exactly 11:58pm – two minutes shy of midnight.  “Who could that be?”, I thought.  I went to the door and as I slowly opened it – a man was outside. I noticed three things right away: He was really old, had a really big watch and held a large duffel bag in his hand.

Was he in trouble and needing help?  Was he a polite, old-school thief – knocking before entering?  Was he a trick or treater running late?   This had to be important because of the lateness of the hour.

“Good evening“, he said. “I would like to give you a gift.”

“What kind of gift?”, I asked, still half-asleep – thinking this was a joke.

“$86,400 dollars“, said the man.

This had to be a joke.  Who gives strangers money of any amount – particularly at midnight, especially that size?  I laughed.

He handed me the bag – and as he did – allowed me to see the contents.  bag of moneySure enough, there was a lot of money in there.  He spoke again, “Exactly, $86,400 dollars.  It’s yours.  You have till this time tomorrow to invest it.”   And with that, my new best friend left.

I stood dumfounded at my door.  Not being able to sleep, I spent the next few minutes looking at it – planning how I would spend it.  10% would go to the church.  Another portion would go into savings.  Some would go towards Christmas gifts.  Some would go towards helping the less fortunate.  Some would go towards my children’s college fund.  Some would be invested.  Some would buy some stuff I’ve always wanted.  Within moments, every dollar was accounted for.   I had spent all of it in my mind.  But then I remembered the old man’s words.  I had to “invest it” and I only had 24 hours to do it.   It wasn’t enough time.

At that moment, my alarm clock went off.  I awoke, discovering (to my disappointment) that it was merely a dream.  Drats.  I really wanted it to be true.  I really wanted to receive a gift that size!  Then the thought hit me, I have.  In fact, that gift has been given to me thousands of times over the course of my life – not in dollars, but in seconds.

We all know that there are 60 seconds in a minute and 60 minutes in an hour.  But did you realize there are 86,400 seconds in a day?  Consider the last 24 hours of your life… how many hours did you waste?  If you are like most people, you have squandered a lot of time this week. But it can actually get more depressing. Determine how many minutes you have wasted – not this week – but over the course of your life?   If every second was a dollar and you invested instead of spent, think of how rich your life would be – even today.

Ever notice that to a child – waiting 5 minutes feels like “forever” to them?  Listen to a parent of a college freshman describe the previous 18 years – “it flew by”.   There is an amazing perspective on time – the older you get.  I don’t know about you – but I’ve wasted a lot of time in my life.  I’ve spent years chasing worthless things.  Instead of investing wisely, I’ve foolishly spent.  That “money” is gone – never to return.  But today, we have all been given a new gift in the currency of time.  If God is gracious, you will be given 86,400 seconds today.  Considering that you spend about 28,800 seconds every day sleeping – that leaves you with only 57,600 seconds left for today.  How are you going to invest them?

As I write this, I am sitting next to one of my sleeping children.   I love to watch them sleep.  As I do, I am often  flooded with memories of our past.  Fun times at the park, milestones we have achieved, vacations we have enjoyed.  Even yesterday, as I was driving, this child says to me, “Dad, can you explain something to me?  The idiom “making a mountain out of a mole hill,” what does that mean?”   The child just turned seven.  I didn’t know what an idiom was until college.   The definition is still fuzzy to me.  Conversational memories like these are precious to me, if not humbling.  I’m left with two primary thoughts.  1) My kids are smarter than I am.   2) I want more time with them.

As I look at my children, I am acutely aware that my own Dad is no longer with me.  He died unexpectedly when I was five years old from viral pneumonia.  One of my earliest childhood memories is watching the paramedics take my Dad away.  It was the last time I ever saw him.   I wish I had more time.  We all wish for more time, particularly with those we love.

The reality is, we have 86,400 seconds every day with which to make things happen.  It’s the same amount given generously to everyone, whether you are the President of the United States or a drug addict on the street.  

How will you invest your gift today?

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The following poem does a beautiful job explaining the importance of this investment of time.  

The Dash – by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone,
from the beginning…to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
and spoke of the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,
the cars…the house…the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.

So, think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what’s true and real
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we’ve never loved before. 

If we treat each other with respect
and more often wear a smile,
remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read,
with your life’s actions to rehash…
would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent YOUR dash?

  • “So teach us to number our days, that we may present to You a heart of wisdom.” (Moses in Psalm 90:12)
  • “Be very careful, then, how you live — not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.”  (Paul in Ephesians 5:15-16)
  • “Show me, O LORD, my life’s end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life. You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you.  Each man’s life is but a breath.” (David in Psalm 39:4-5)

The anatomy of a true gift

rodarters

wrapped_present_boxDecember is the season of gift giving. Though gifts are given throughout the year (for births and birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, etc) – this is the season where gift giving is rampant and expected. Traffic is horrible. Lines are long. Everything is on sale and everyone is buying something for someone.

I have been thinking a lot about gifts this season, why we give them and to whom. I used to think about what I want. Now I think about what I need. I used to think about what I would get. Now I think about what I will give. Lately, I have been pondering what makes a gift a gift. Below are some general thoughts about gifts and what’s behind them.

Gifts are the visible, tangible expressions of love.
Why do we give gifts? To show love. WHO do we give them to? To those we love. This truth is so obvious we might actually miss it. Never has a total stranger handed me a thoughtful gift picked just for me. Gifts are only given to those we care about. Sometimes that gift is wrapped, other times it is in the form of time, attention, affection, money, prayers, forgiveness, etc. Whenever someone gives you a gift – they are saying way more than just “here’s a thing I bought or did for you”. They are saying they care and this is how they are choosing to express it.

The bigger the gift, the greater the expression of love.
There is usually a direct correlation between the sacrifice required to “purchase” the gift and the love of the giver. It is for this reason that most men spend a small fortune on an engagement ring. The gift is more than a ring, it is a statement. It is their attempt to show the greatest expression of the love they feel for their betrothed. The sacrifice required to afford the “rock” communicates the height and depth and breadth of love from the giver. It was with this in mind that David’s men risked their lives to get him precious water from the well of Bethlehem (II Samuel 23:15-16). Getting the water from there was a HUGE gift and it was just the right size to communicate how much they loved their king.

You cannot pay for a true gift.
What makes a gift a gift is that you received it for free. If you paid for it, it would be called a “purchase” and no longer a gift.

You cannot earn a true gift.
What makes a gift a gift is that you received it for free. If you earned it, it would be called a “wage” and no longer a gift.

You do not deserve a true gift
What makes a gift a gift is that you received it for free. If you deserved it, it would be called a “right” and no longer a gift.

Every true gift requires a sacrifice from the giver.
In II Samuel 24, David was severely disciplined by the Lord for taking a census of the people. After watching 70,000 men die as a result of David’s sin, David was instructed by the prophet Gad to “build an altar to the Lord on the threshing floor of Araunah the Jebusite“. When David approached Araunah and told him of his desire to purchase the threshing floor from him, Araunah offered it to David at no charge. David’s response? “No, but I will surely buy it from you for a price, for I will not offer burnt offerings to the Lord my God which cost me nothing” (vs. 24). David desired to give the Lord a true gift and he knew that a gift worthy of the Lord had to be sacrificial.

Every received gift requires a response from the receiver.
Sometimes the response is a simple thank you or thank you card. Other times it is doing something nice for them. Sometimes, the only appropriate response is a surrendered life.

The greater the gift, the greater the response.
This is what Jesus was trying to teach Simon the Pharisee in Luke 7 when He told the story about the moneylender and his two debtors. The moneylender forgave both debtors of their debt even though one had a significantly higher debt than the other. Jesus then asks Simon which debtor loved the moneylender more. The answer is obvious, the one who was gifted with much forgiveness, loves more. Your response to the gift is in direct proportion to your understanding of the size of the gift.

So, with these simple truths in mind about gifts and what’s behind them….let’s consider the Ultimate Gift this Christmas season.
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Gifts are the visible, tangible expressions of love.
“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” – John 3:16

The bigger the gift, the greater the expression of love.
“”This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” – John 15:12-13

You cannot pay for a true gift.
“For it is by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God, not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” – Ephesians 2:8-9

You cannot earn a true gift.
“But when the kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared, He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy…” – Titus 3:4-5

You do not deserve a true gift
“But God demonstrates His own love towards us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” – Romans 5:8

Every true gift requires a sacrifice from the giver.
“…Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” – Philippians 2:5-8

Every received gift requires a response from the receiver.
“Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children, and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us…” – Ephesians 5:1

The greater the gift, the greater the response.
“Therefore as you have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, having been firmly rooted and now being built up in Him and established in your faith, just as you were instructed, and overflowing with gratitude.” – Colossians 2:6-7

Let’s think about His gift to us this season and what our response should be.

“Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift.” – II Corinthians 9:15