Author: rodarters

Still here…

rodarters

I decided to check on the kids sleeping soundly in their beds.  When I last left my six-year-old (7 hours ago) I was kneeling by his bedside, tucking him in with our routine of prayers, snuggles and songs (See “The bedtime routine” for more about that).  Just as I walked over towards him, he was struggling with one of his blankets. Apparently he was cold and needed more covers.   Without a word, I helped him.  Somehow, he sensed “help” and looked up to see me and said with surprise in his voice,

“Daddy, you’re still here?”

“Yea, son, I’m still here – just watching you sleep.”   He smiled and was out cold.

I liked the thought of him thinking that I had not moved.  Yep, for 7 straight hours I simply stood there, at attention, waiting for the moment when he needed more covers.   That is why I am Dad of the Year, in my head.   What a glorious parenting fluke that I happened to be there for his brief need.

Instantly, I thought of Psalm 121, particularly verses 3 & 4.   Hands down, it has been my mantra the last three years.  It is my “go-to” verse when I need some encouragement.

“I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; From where shall my help come?
2 My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth.
3 He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber.
4 Behold, He who keeps Israel Will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The Lord is your keeper; The Lord is your shade on your right hand.
6 The sun will not smite you by day, Nor the moon by night.
7 The Lord will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul.
8 The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and forever.”

God never slumbers.  God never sleeps.  In fact, when I wake up in my sleepless state, He’s looking down with His all-encompassing presence saying, “I’m still here.”   Normally, I would say that someone watching you sleep is creepy.  Unless you’re a parent.  There is something beautiful about watching your child sleep.  Interestingly, tonight, soon after Andrew fell asleep, I snapped this picture.   “Awww” is the appropriate response.

I’m not sure what’s going on in your life, but God is “still there.”  Whether you need another blanket or your needs are far more serious than that, God is there to “cover you” as needed.   The Maker of Heaven and Earth is “still here” to help you “make it”.  The Keeper of Israel keeps watch over you as well.  While He manages the Universe, He somehow manages to not leave your side – even while you sleep.  As the Psalmist reminds us, He can protect from evil, guard your movements and keep your soul.   Only a “still here” Father can do that.   His “still here” is not a glorious parenting fluke.  He literally never leaves you, morning or night.  In the midst of our extremely lonely world, we have a 24/7 God.

The current events of our world do not distract Him from His children.   Your daily troubles are no trouble for Him.  What is a BIG concern to you is of no concern to Him.  Though we tend to worry about everything, God worries about nothing.  Literally nothing.  What looks like a Giant to us reminds Him of a grain of sand.   If He can govern the Sun and navigate a moon, surely He can help us in our time of need.  He is simultaneously our “refuge and strength, ready to help when we need Him.” (Psalm 46:1).

It is for this reason that Peter tells us to “cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.”  (I Peter 5:7)   Jesus reminds us, “For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not worth much more than they?” (Matthew 6)

I’m not sure what woke up me tonight.  In the middle of my stressful life, maybe I just needed a reminder that He’s still awake.  He’s not falling asleep on the job.  Whatever was on my mind, it’s on His mind too.  He’ll take care of it, in His time.  My goal is simply to do the right thing and trust Him.

He’s still here.  He’ll provide the blanket.  For me and for you.

Modern day Ebenezers

rodarters

Every day, one of my 806 Facebook friends will write some sort of memorializing post (similar to the ones below) commemorating an important date, event or significant milestone in their life.

  • “I can’t believe that one year ago today my life changed completely. I became a mother of two beautiful little girls.”
  • “It was on this date, 15 years ago, that I proposed to my wife.”
  • “I ran 4.2 miles today burning 341 calories.”
  • “Remembering Dad today.  He died from cancer on this date four years ago.  I still miss him.”

You probably have many of your friends doing the same thing.  Prior to Facebook, Hallmark had the monopoly on this market.  Before that, cavemen wrote on cave walls.  Today, we write on Facebook ones.

Understandably, we remember birthdays.   We celebrate holidays.   We remember dates like 9-11 since they are seared into our National conscience.   But we also remember tragic anniversaries, death dates, divorce dates & other dates we wish to forget.

Why do we do this?   Why do we feel the need to make some sort of public recognition about certain dates or events in our life?  Even the painful ones?   There are probably many emotional reasons for this practice, but these stand out to me:

Our history is important.   In school we learned about Napolean’s battles, George Washington’s victories & Abraham Lincoln’s assassination. We studied the rise and fall of the nations – from the Roman Empire to Hitler’s Germany.  We learned countless dates.  “In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.”  December 7, 1941 is “a date which will live in infamy.”   Growing up, most of us complained in school that “history is boring” and yet, the older we get – the more important it becomes to all of us.  What are the dates in your personal history that are important to you?   Besides obvious birth dates and anniversaries, what other events are significant “markers”, personal to your family?

We have a need to remember.  It is commonly recognized that we are a forgetful people.   I can barely remember what I need to buy at the grocery store, let alone remember certain events from my past.  Because of this, we must find a way to remember the important things from the past so that we can remember them in the future.  Oh, how I wish I took the time – as a new Dad – to write down all the things my children said as they were growing up.  The older we are, the more we forget.  I wish I knew more stories about myself from childhood.  Older parents had to use old-fashioned things like paper and pencil, 35 mm film or trust our memories.  Modern day parents are able to utilize Facebook walls, upload videos on YouTube and take pictures with Instagram to remember the quickly fading present.

The Nation of Israel had been slaves to the Egyptians for centuries.  After 430 years, God had finally led His people out of bondage and into freedom.  Though Moses was instrumental in getting them out of the captivity of Egypt, Joshua would be the one to lead them to the “Promised Land.”  But Israel had proven to be a forgetful people.  By anyone’s definition, God’s actions were truly unforgettable and yet Israel was quick to forget.  Time after time, they saw God move on their behalf.  You would think these miracles would never be forgotten.  How can a generation forget the plague of frogs?  How do you watch water come from a rock in the desert and not remember God’s provision?  How could anyone cross over a massive river or sea, on dry ground, TWICE and not remember it?   Apparently, God knows us better than we know ourselves.  As soon as Israel had crossed the Jordan River and were in the Promised Land, God commanded Joshua to “…take up twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan, from right where the priests are standing, and carry them over with you and put them down at the place where you stay tonight.” (Joshua 4:2-3)

Why would God want them to collect rocks?   For the same reason my daughter collects seashells at the beach.  To remember where we have been.

Joshua then explains the meaning of the rocks to the nation,

“Let this be a sign among you, so that when your children ask later, saying, ‘What do these stones mean to you?’ then you shall say to them, ‘Because the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord; when it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off.’   So these stones shall become a memorial to the sons of Israel forever.” (Joshua 4)

Years later, Israel found themselves in a battle with the Philistines.  The nomadic nation of Israel was no match for the powerful Philistine army.  They cried out to God who “thundered with a great thunder on that day against the Philistines and confused them, so that they were routed before Israel.”  So grateful was Israel for this victory that Samuel, their High Priest, “took a stone and named it Ebenezer, saying, “Thus far the Lord has helped us.” (I Samuel 7)

From that point on, the word “Ebenezer” has become synonymous with remembering our past.  Facebook is one of our modern-day Ebenezers.   It helps some of us record our personal histories.  It helps others remember the lessons God teaches us.

About three years ago, I went through one of the worst experiences of my life.  Without getting into the gritty, messy details – my life was falling apart and I was about as destitute as I have ever been.   I felt friendless, helpless, hopeless and was literally living day-to-day struggling on every level.   An older woman from my church asked if I would replace her old bathroom sink with a new vanity.  Being a “Jack of all trades”, I was happy to oblige and get my mind off of my painful life.  I opened the cabinet doors and began to remove the old sink.  While I was laying under her sink, water dripping on my head, my back in pain from the difficult angle I had to be in – I realized that this was not going to be an easy task.  Of course, at that moment in my life – everything was a struggle.  It was fitting that this was no different.  While I lay under her sink trying to remove the old fixture, I could see that the only thing that was stopping me from success was one tiny little nut.  This particular nut, which had clearly been on this annoying screw for over 30 years, was the only thing keeping me from removing the old sink.  For over an hour, I tried to loosen it.  I tried to nudge it.  I used a wrench.  I used a hammer.  I used WD-40.  I used “elbow grease.”  I used brute force.  I tried finesse.  Convinced the nut was demon possessed, I even started praying.   NOTHING would cause this thing to budge.

I finally put down my tools and laid quietly under the sink considering my next move.  Suddenly, tears started rolling down my cheeks.  Stunned, I realized I was crying.  I had a feeling this was not normal plumber behavior.  I felt utterly defeated.  Then I had an epiphany: This was no longer just a job for me.  I had come to realize that this “favor” was no longer about replacing a sink or removing a nut.   This task had just become intensely personal.  The nut was no longer a nut.  The nut had become a physical manifestation for the problems in my life.  It represented all the junk in my past.  Was I going to defeat it or was I going to let the nut defeat me?  Something powerful happened to me that day, under the sink.

With the steel resolve of a warrior plumber, I had decided with an iron-clad commitment that I was not relieving the pain of my back until that nut was removed.  For another 30 minutes, it was mano y sinko; man vs sink.  It was a battle to the death and I was going to win it.  I was going to not only remove this nut, I was going to remove the junk from my past that caused all this pain.  I was not only going to replace this sink, I was going to replace my baggage with a brand new suitcase.  I wasn’t going to be a victim.  I was going to be a victor.  I didn’t know how I was going to do it, that was mere details.  I just decided it was going to happen.  And it did.   The nut finally succumbed to my relentless perseverance.   Within the hour, a new sink was in.  My friend was thrilled.  All she saw was a new vanity.  I saw a new perspective on life.  She had no idea of the spiritual, emotional, historical moment I had just experienced.

I tell you this story for one simple reason.   I raised an Ebenezer that day.  I kept the nut, put it on a necklace and wore it as a trophy for months.  It was the oddest piece of jewelry but at that point, one of the most valuable things I owned.   When others saw it, they merely saw a beat up nut.  I saw so much more.   And THAT is why Ebenezers are important.   That is why dates matter.  That’s why we need to record our histories, not just for our sake but for the sake of those that follow us.

What are your Ebenezers?   What mementos do you have that point to a particularly poignant time or event from your past?   What stories do you need to communicate to your children or grandchildren before you are gone and the memories are gone with you?

Your kids will only ask, “What do these stones mean to you?” if they can see them.

This is an example of one of our national Ebenezers. The man who placed it there clearly recognized, “Thus far the Lord has helped us.”

The danger of rewarding everyone for nothing

rodarters

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My son graduated from kindergarten last year.  

Think about that sentence for a minute. 

Let it sink in. 

Chances are, you won’t see anything wrong with the first five words.  I’ll try to help you with emphasis:

My son GRADUATED from KINDERGARTEN.  

Until his teacher informed me of some official ceremony marking the occasion, I wasn’t aware that Kindergarten was something you actually graduated from.

When I finished Kindergarten, I quietly passed into 1st grade.  There was no ceremony.  There was no special Powerpoint presentation on my year or talk about my accomplishments with any fan fare.  (“Rod really grasped the concept of numbers and the difference between a square and a circle.  We were so proud when he could color within the lines.”)    I merely did what I was supposed to do and moved on.  And I think that is where my problem lies with the graduation concept at Kindergarten.  It’s not that I think an individual graduation ceremony for my kindergartener is going to ruin him.   The ceremony that was put together was very nice and very meaningful for me, as a parent.  What parent doesn’t love to hear about their child’s amazing progress – even if that progress is centered on scissors, paste and crayons.   The problem lies in the subtle expectation of receiving a reward (or acknowledgement) for everything, especially if it’s something he has to do anyway.  I think it provides a disservice to our children for two primary reasons.  One has to do with doing the right thing.  The other has to do with their motivation; doing those right things for the right reason.

  1. Children (even us big children) should always seek to do the right thing, at all times – simply because it is the right thing to do.  Whether it’s at home, school or work – we should always seek to be the model child, student or employee – regardless of who is watching.  We correct the cashier when she gives us too much change because it is the right thing to do.   We work until 5pm because that is when our shift ends, not because the boss is still there to see us.  Our true character is who we really are when no one is watching.   We must fight the urge to only do right when it is visible to others.  We also must fight the expectation to receive a reward for doing what is expected.  
  2. We should not only seek to do right things – we should seek to do them for right reasons.  When someone expects recognition for an action they were supposed to do anyway – it takes away the desire to do right for right’s sake.  My son should not get a medal for mowing the family lawn.  My daughter should not get a prize for clearing the family table after dinner.  My children should not expect a giddy reaction from me when they make their bed or an extra allowance for keeping their room clean.   We all should be encouraged to do the right thing, simply because it is the right thing – not so we can get some award or reward out of it.   Someone should return a lost dog, simply because it is lost – not because there is a $1,000 prize for doing so.   Occasionally you will hear a story of a person who finds a large sum of money and returns it.  The reason it makes the evening news is because of how rare it is.   I am not saying we should not applaud when someone does the right thing.  But somehow we need to train a child (or us) how to applaud themselves for doing the right thing – even if it occurs silently and invisibly, unnoticed by the public or their parents.

It used to be you had 2 graduation ceremonies to attend; your high school and your college.  Both are significant achievements and are worthy of recognition.   Both are  also among the top most boring events you will ever attend in your life.  They are right up there with getting a new license for the DMV and waiting for your car oil to be changed.  For this reason, I chose not to attend my high school graduation.  When they called my name, I was in London, England enjoying a three-month trip.  I tried to escape my college graduation but could not get past my parents desire to make sure it actually happened.   In both graduations, something significant happened.  Students successfully fulfilled the state’s academic requirements and thus were able to “move on” to the next stage in their life.   Though most do graduate from those 4 year programs, it is still a significant achievement and worthy of recognition.  Those who excelled beyond the minimum graduation standards should be recognized for their outstanding achievements.  To graduate Cumma Sum Laude is special and should be recognized as such.

But do we really need a middle school graduation?  Or a kindergarten graduation?   What’s next?  “You came back to school after your summer break” ceremony?   “Great job on doing your homework” pep rally?  You see this same disturbing trend in sports.   Whereas it used to be that only the winning team gets a trophy, now every team gets one.   In my son’s nine-year old soccer league, every player on every team walked away with a trophy.   I can’t help to think that the Trophy industry is pushing this trend. 

As a coach, I found myself contributing to  the “no child left un-recognized” syndrome and even came up with a creative award for every child – even if the child picked dandelions all season.   (Incidently, that child would receive “The Dandelion Defender” award.)  One year, I had a child who just could not get the concept of staying in position.  She was all over the field all the time.  At her age, it was cute.  If she kept that practice beyond 7th grade, she’d be cut from the team.   Her award was the “Visa Card Award.  She was “everywhere she wanted to be.”  See?  Even I perpetuated the problem!

As a parent, I do understand the pressure of wanting to encourage a discouraged (or untalented) child and not hurt your precious one’s feelings.  At the same time, as an athlete, I understand the frustration of working hard to achieve a goal only to have everyone recognized in the same way for not achieving it.

The reality is – not everyone wins.  Not everyone comes in first.  Not everyone reaches a milestone that deserves to be recognized.  And for that reason, we shouldn’t reward them for it.   It minimizes the actual accomplishment and cheapens the experience for those who actually achieved it.

Eventually, our children will have to realize that life isn’t fair.  Their boss will not reward them for having the least amount of sales in the organization.  Their manager will not congratulate them for showing up on time.   The company will not provide an all expense paid trip to Funville for missing expected quotas.  No one is going to hold a special recognition meeting when they open a new account.   THAT is why you were hired and your special recognition comes in the form of a bi-monthly check.   If you do not do what you are supposed to do, do not expect a reward for not achieving it.

Let’s all try to do the right things simply because they are the right things to do.   Let’s all try to teach those in our sphere of influence to do those right things for the right reasons.  It will not only improve our overall work ethic and personal character, it will also help us receive less meaningless awards for average accomplishments.   Do we really need to waste a valuable night of our life receiving a “Dundie award” for simply showing up or having a pulse?  The reason the Dundie awards scene (From the hit sitcom “The Office”; Season 1, Episode 2) was so funny is because it was so ridiculously true.  As a culture, we are trending towards rewarding everyone for nothing.

By the way, if everyone would just comment below on how this is the best blog you have ever read, it would be appreciated.  After all, you don’t want to hurt my feelings, do you??

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9)

“And as for you, brothers and sisters, never tire of doing what is good.” (II Thessalonians 3:13)

Crossing your children

rodarters

In the beginning of parenthood, children are viewed as innocents and all they do is sleep, eat, coo, poo and melt your heart.  Once they become mobile, they still participate in all those same activities except now they get into things they shouldn’t.  In the early years, it’s easier to say no to them because of the physical dangers involved if we don’t.  But as those toddlers become tweens, then teens, then pre-adults, their capacity for trouble increases while our resolve in confronting them often decreases.

While we are juggling work, car pooling, sports, doctor’s visits, family schedules, supervising homework, shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying bills, etc – they are masterfully running circles around our aging bodies.  It’s not that we don’t care about their well-being or we don’t want to parent as they get older.  We have just grown weary and have bought into the self-preserving notion of “picking our battles.”  In the meantime, the eternally energized creatures have become little lawyers with an over developed skill of “reasoning” and we are tired of arguing with them.  Parenting, on our best day, can be exhausting.  It’s also the most rewarding job we will ever have.  The results can be amazing or the results can be disastrous.   We play a critical role in the final score of their game. 

In First Kings chapter 1 we find King David at the end of his forty-year reign as ruler over Israel.   He lies on his death-bed, at age 70, struggling to keep warm and barely able to lead God’s people as he once did.   As he lay dying, his son (Adonijah) takes advantage of his father’s condition and attempts to steal his throne.   What would cause his son to so easily break the 5th commandment of “Honor your father” (Exodus 20:12)?    Verse 6 gives us the answer,

“His father had never crossed him at any time by asking, “Why have you done so?”  (I Kings 1:5-6)

A brief review of David’s parenting reveals a dangerous pattern:

  • His eldest son (Amnon) raped his daughter Tamar.   To make matters worse, David’s “shrewd” nephew used David unwittingly to place Tamar in the room to be raped.  David’s response to all of this?  He was “very angry”    (II Samuel 13:21).
  • Two years later, his second born son (Absalom) invited his father and all his brothers to the town of Baal-hazor.  Though the king initially refused, Absalom’s “urging” was too much for David and he allowed Amnon and his brothers to join Absalom with a blessing.  The invitation turned out to be a trap and Absalom’s servants killed Amnon at Absalom’s command to serve as “justice” for the rape.  When the word got back to David that Amnon was killed by Absalom he “arose, tore his clothes and lay on the ground… and wept very bitterly” (II Samuel 13:31, 36).   Though “David mourned for his son (Amnon) every day… his heart was inclined toward Absalom” (II Samuel 13:37, 39, 14:1). 
  • Three years later, we find Absalom in the town of Geshur living as a fugitive because of the murder of his brother.  At the encouragement of his military commander, David allows Absalom back into Jerusalem even though his sin has not been forgiven nor his heart repentant.  Instead of addressing the issue with his son, he ignores it and does not allow Absalom to see him for two full years (II Samuel 13:37-38, 14:21-33).  Absalom’s hatred for his father grew and he soon began to conspire against David in an attempt to gain the throne.  After successfully stealing his father’s influence, men and chief counselor, Absalom began his coup d’etat on David.  David’s response?  “Arise and let us flee, for otherwise none of us will escape from Absalom” (II Samuel 15).   A man who bravely killed a lion, bear and giant cannot stand up to his own son (I Samuel 17:37).
  • Though Absalom employed every resource to pursue David in order to kill him, he was unsuccessful.  By contrast, David gave strict orders for his soldiers to “deal gently for my sake with the young man Absalom” (II Samuel 18:5).   When word finally came back from the battlefield and David had opportunity to learn of the status of the battle, his first question revealed where his heart was, “Is it well with the young man Absalom?” (18:29)   At the news of his son’s death, “the king was deeply moved and went up to the chamber over the gate and wept.  And thus he said as he walked, “O my son, Absalom, my son, my son Absalom!  Would I had died instead of you, O Absalom, my son, my son!” (18:33).

It is the duty of every parent to “cross” their children.  What does it mean to “cross your child”?   The Hebrew word for crossing (atsab) means “to grieve” or “to stretch into shape”.  In other words, David had never displeased his son nor did what it took to stretch him into a godly shape.   Never.

“Crossing” is simply another name for “active parenting”.   Crossing is being involved in your child’s life and knowing their daily activities.  It is being on top of their schedule and knowing who their friends are.  It is placing yourself and God’s standard before them on a regular basis.   It is governing what they read in books and see on the screen, both computer and theatre.   It is having full access to computer passwords, ipods, cell phones and bedrooms.   It is enforcing curfews and keeping them accountable.  It gives you the freedom to not simply manage actions but attitude, facial expressions and tone of voice.  It requires, at times, for you to grieve them and look for the opportunities to “stretch” them into the shape God desires.   Ultimately, crossing says, “I love you” in a gritty, consistent, uncomfortable, unpopular way.    And therein lies the problem.   For many parents it is too much work and requires too much time.   Because stretching is hard and grieving children is difficult, we neglect our biblical responsibility to our children’s peril.  

As verse 6 indicates, crossing cannot happen without cross-examination – asking the tough questions.  It is the responsibility of every parent to ask the confrontational question, “Why have you done so”?    Regardless of your age or theirs, you are your child’s keeper, particularly if they sleep under your roof and are kept afloat by your financial boat.   God leads by example when He cross-examined the first family:  

  • To Adam, “Where are you?   Who told you that you were naked?   Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” (Genesis 3:9, 11)
  • To Eve, “What is this you have done?” (Genesis 3:13)
  • To Cain, “Why are you angry?  Why has your countenance fallen?  If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up?  Where is Abel your brother?   What have you done?”  (Genesis 4:6-7, 9-10)

David’s high office, busy schedule, or current condition did not remove his responsibility to parent.  His wealth, age or the fact that his son is an adult did not pardon his duty to cross Adonijah.  David’s unwillingness to “cross” his children caused the rape of a daughter, murder of two sons, and a lifetime of heartache.

How about you, parent?   Do you make it a practice to “cross” your children?   Do you place yourself consistently in their path and remind them with your lifestyle, presence and questions that they answer to God through you?   

No parent will be perfect in their parenting.  I have made many parental mistakes and have, at times, given my children a poor example to follow.  But, like them, I am a work in progress.  So are you.  And just because we didn’t do it right yesterday, doesn’t mean we don’t have the authority to try to do it right today.   Don’t let your past failures as a parent, keep you from being successful in your attempts today.  It’s never too late to practice active parenting.  It may feel uncomfortable at first – but crossing them is a loving necessity.

Cross your children and ask the tough questions.  It’s the clearest way to show them your love.

“For whom the Lord loves He reproves, even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights.” (Proverbs 3:12).   

“Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as His children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?  If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in His holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:7-11)

Tear down this wall!

rodarters

Walls generally serve at least one of three purposes; to keep something protected within, to protect from the dangers without, or to allow a degree of privacy.

In 1961, communist East Germany had erected a wall to prevent her people from entering democratic West Germany. As walls tend to do, it hindered freedom and discouraged relationships.

A small portion of the Berlin Wall, viewed from the Western side.

It didn’t just divide a city, it divided a country and by 1987, it was clearly more than just a wall. The famous structure had become a symbol of communist oppression. Known as “The Berlin Wall”, it was 12 feet high, almost 100 miles long and had only two openings for access, both heavily guarded checkpoints. And as far as every one knew, it wasn’t coming down any time soon.

On June 12, 1987, President Ronald Reagan issued a direct challenge to Soviet Leader Mikhail Gorbachev to destroy the Berlin Wall. Though the wall was outside his country’s jurisdiction, Gorbachev’s communist influence helped keep it intact. In a speech at the Brandenburg Gate, behind two bulletproof glass panes, President Reagan’s challenge was bold, yet simple:

“Mr. Gorbachev, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!”

We live among walls every day. Our homes are filled with them. Our schools and offices are lined by them. We paint them with our favorite colors and hang mirrors and paintings and photos on every one. We can’t go anywhere without seeing one since life would not be fun or safe without them. In many ways, they are necessary for our survival. We need a certain level of protection and privacy in order to function.

Walls, obviously, are not only physical in nature. Some of the biggest, strongest walls I have ever seen are emotionally constructed. Some of the most impenetrable walls that exist, live within the human heart. Think I am over-exaggerating? Ask any counselor who spends a career trying to unlock a person’s heart. Ask any social worker who deals with abused children. Ask any woman who has ever tried to love an emotionally unavailable man. They will tell you that in many cases it is easier to sledge-hammer through a 4 foot thick concrete wall than it is to penetrate an emotional wall surrounding a person’s heart.

From my biased vantage point, men tend to be more natural at wall building than women. It seems that men build their walls before being hurt. Women build theirs afterward. For being the gender known for bravery, acts of valor and courage – many men are emotional cowards, afraid of letting any portion of their wall down and exposing a tender heart. It’s not that men don’t have a heart, as some women believe. It’s that they are afraid to lower the complex steel scaffolding that surrounds theirs. For many men out there, they have spent years carefully building a fortress around their thoughts, emotions and true feelings. For those types of men, it is less perilous to defend a woman than truly talk to one. It’s easier to slay a ferocious dragon than to let down our emotional guard. I know, I used to be one of those men. In many ways, I’m a recovering emotional wall builder. Like an alcoholic, I am probably always one decision away from grabbing a brick and rebuilding a wall. Perhaps I’m not alone in this daily struggle.

Emotional walls are no respecter of person, gender, age, background or position. For many, emotional walls are created instinctively and out of necessity to protect a hidden secret, abused past or broken heart. Oftentimes they are erected out of fear, insecurity, rejection, abandonment, loss of relationship, traumatic experiences, bullying, criticism, etc. Regardless of their reason of existence, they are very real, very easy to assemble and once in place, very difficult to remove. Like a physical wall, emotional walls are normal and necessary. The existence of a wall is not the problem, it is the purpose of the wall and the reason for its existence that matters.

Because emotional walls are invisible, only the possessor knows if it is in place and how high it really is. Though it is there for a reason, even a good reason, it doesn’t mean it needs to remain – or even be that high. Though some walls are important for us to have, I would venture to say – most of the walls we keep up-end up hindering us more than protecting us.

Several months ago I took a flight for a business trip. While going through security, I noticed the TSA folks had stopped the dear old lady in the X-ray machine before me. She was pulled aside, apparently randomly, and searched rather extensively. Granted, she could have been an Al-Qaeda supporter. I guess there was a chance her girdle was strapped with explosives. I suppose it is possible that she was a Muslim terrorist. But, honestly she looked Grandma-ish. She had probably just baked chocolate chip cookies and read a story to a grandchild on her lap. Why do we frisk people like that? Because 11 years ago, some lunatics did the unthinkable causing us, as a nation, to put some “walls” up. Those walls are necessary for our protection – but they are also up (most times) for the wrong people. Though it keeps us safe from the abusers, it also keeps many good people out as well. In the same way, our emotional walls both help us and hinder us – often at the same time.

If you’re normal, you have emotional walls in place. If you’re transparent, you may admit that they have been up for too long. If you’re honest, you might agree that they are higher than they need to be. You may be successful in keeping abusive people out, but at the same time – you are preventing access to the positive people as well. Like chemotherapy to a cancer patient, it doesn’t just kill the bad cells. It kills all cells. Though chemo can be effective in its goal (removing the cancer), it also removes many positive aspects at the same time. Such is the same effect as most of our emotional walls.

When one falls off of a bike or a horse, a protective wall goes up and the fallen rider is tempted to never mount the seat again. Most of us would recognize, however, that it is in their best interest to get back on again, eventually…sooner rather than later. Though the fall is painful and a season of rest may be necessary, it doesn’t mean it should be permanent. When it comes to pain, though, most of us prefer physical over emotional. We’d rather deal with a skinned knee than a bruised ego. We would rather break a bone than crush our pride. A husband cheats and the wife puts her wall up to avoid all men. A girlfriend breaks up with you and from behind your wall you proclaim, “I’m becoming a monk – done with all dating.” Because relationships are so intimate and personal, they run the risk of hurting us deeply when they go astray. Walls are natural consequences when we experience such pain. Just as a deep burn from a stove can discourage someone from future cooking, in like fashion we shy away from relationships when we’ve been burnt by a loved one in our past.

When God decided to place humans on the map, He did not put us on sports teams. He did not place us in military troops. He did not organize us by cubicles in an employer’s office. Instead, He placed us into close relationships in the context of a family. As He communicated to Adam in the Garden of Eden, “It is not good for man to be alone.” (Genesis 2:18) Because of the fall and our sinful human nature and innate selfishness, we tend to hurt one another. Once hurt, that pain causes us to retreat or hide behind thick emotional walls. Those walls keep us alone and isolated from the very thing we were created to enjoy: relationships.

Jacob understands walls. He created an instant one the moment he betrayed his older brother, Esau (Genesis 27). In the biblical day and age where the father’s blessing meant everything to the first-born son, Esau was moments away from receiving his. This blessing was not just an indication of a father’s approval but it was intended to result in prosperity and success. It was a formal declaration, if not a prayer, that God Himself would bless the recipient.

You can imagine the horrified shock on Esau’s face when he learned that his little brother, Jacob stole the blessing intended for him. In a shrewd and cunning move, Jacob deceived his elderly and blind father (Isaac) and tricked him into giving the blessing intended for Esau. The only thing more chilling about the deception was that it was initiated and crafted by the boy’s mother, Rebekah. It’s the stuff of blockbuster movies: the son tricks the father and betrays the brother at the suggestion of the mother. As is often the case in families, the “fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

Esau was outraged and understandably so. The blessing could only be given once, even if it was given under false pretenses. Realizing he had lost everything due to trickery, he vowed to kill his brother soon after his father’s impending death. For 20 years, Jacob hid from Esau convinced that a meeting would be the end of him. Time, they say, heals all wounds. It certainly helped in the ensuing two decades and Esau’s anger eventually softened towards his brother. When they finally did meet, the wall between them was dismantled and Esau greeted his brother Jacob with a warm embrace. The wall was torn down. Forgiveness had occurred. The relationship was restored and they had about 20 years to catch up on. Two decades of wasted time keeping a wall in place that should have been removed years prior.

Isn’t that how we are? Building walls when we shouldn’t. Keeping them up longer then they need to be. Holding grudges. Keeping score. Wasting precious time with those we should love.

Do you have an emotional wall up? Maybe it’s time to take it down, even if it’s been up for decades. Why not at least remove a few bricks? Maybe it’s time to forgive the offense and embrace the offender? Maybe it’s time to forget the past and try to build a new future, with whatever time is left on the clock?

Perhaps today is the day that an email is written, a letter is mailed or a phone call is made? Walls are there for a reason and a season and perhaps your season is ending?

As for the Berlin Wall, 23 months after President Reagan’s challenge, the wall was dismantled. East & West Germany were finally one country. Democracy defeated Communism. Freedom trumped bondage. Peace was restored and relationships were reunited. The wall served a purpose and now it is a thing of the past.

Life is short. Relationships are important. Walls don’t just keep bad things out. They keep you trapped in. What walls in your life need to go?

“The List” – which one are you on?

rodarters

According to the official website, Zumba is an “exhilarating, effective, easy-to-follow, Latin-inspired, calorie-burning dance fitness-party that’s moving millions of people toward joy and health.”  In Kennebunk, Maine it seems to be moving at least 21 participants towards a misdemeanor charge and court appearance.

According to reports, a 29-year-old Zumba instructor and her 57-year-old business partner are being accused of running a prostitution ring using the Zumba business as a cover up.   At this point, 21 names officially appear on “The List” of clients.   It is reported that the number could go as high as 150.

As the story continues to unfold, there is growing controversy about “The List”, who is on it and whether those names should be released to the public.   Understandably, the 21 are desperate to keep their names hidden from public view.  Two have even retained counsel in an attempt to keep their identities private.   Needless to say, publishing such a list could ruin dozens of lives – particularly in a community as small as Kennebunk.

As I was listening to the news report and thinking about the scandal, it caused me to think about the devastation of being named on such a list could cause.  What if every city produced a list?  What if a list was made of every hidden sin committed in every town?  What list, I wondered, would my name fall under?  Probably more than I would like to admit. 

Granted, most of us have probably never been with a prostitute so we would avoid that embarrassing list.  But what if the list was for gossip?  Or pornography?  Or stealing?  Or lying?  Or cheating?  Or speeding?  Or gluttony?  Or alcoholism?  Or cursing?  Or tax evasion?  Or spiritual pride?  Eventually, if enough vices were listed, we would even find your name on a list.  Yes, even you.

Our human nature often tricks us into thinking we are better than we really are.  After all, the mantra goes, “people are basically good.”  If I asked the average person if they steal, most would emphatically say “No!” – immediately assuming that if they did not rob a bank they did not steal anything.  But how many employees steal company time for personal use?  How many “borrow” office supplies without a second thought?   How many use company car miles to run personal errands?  There are many ways to steal and as long as we don’t cross some BIG line in our mind, we think we are innocent of all charges.  The problem is, we conveniently move the line constantly – justifying as we go.  “For all I do for this company, they certainly aren’t going to notice or care if I __________________.”

For some reason, we tend to view sin as only being real if it crosses into the arena of actually, physically happening.  It’s only a serious issue if it becomes a legal one or if it is considered taboo by others.  For example, we tend to think someone has kept their wedding vows as long as they’ve never slept with another person.  We believe someone has not killed another as long as that hated person is still breathing.  In the same way, a lie did not occur unless it was outright, blatant and completely devoid of truth.  But what if our assumptions are wrong?  What if the standard was higher?  What if Matthew 5 was correct?

  • “Everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
  • “Everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty of murder.”

What if even white lies, half-truths and subtle deceptions made you a full-fledged liar with pants on fire?

The reality is, by God’s standard, we are ALL on a list – even if we try to justify our name off of it. 

The problem with “The List” in Maine is that it tends to create an “Us vs. Them” mentality.   We can be very quick to judge the lawyer, accountant or Mayor who have already been identified as part of the 21.   We tend to look down at those who commit the BIG sins as if to believe the little ones we commit aren’t significant enough to mention.   While a group of men used Zumba as a cover up for sex, we just use different shields for our sin “du jour.”  As long as your wrong doing isn’t “Top 10” (as in Commandments), it doesn’t feel so bad.  As long as it doesn’t make the front page of the newspaper, it must be acceptable or worthy of toleration.

About 20 years ago I received a letter from a Mother of a high school student of mine that I had greatly disappointed.  Regrettably, I had made a promise to her children that I did not keep.  I could have kept my promise but, honestly, something else more appealing came up and I chose that instead.  Needless to say, when the family found out the reason I did not keep my promise, anger ensued.  Though I initially felt justified in my excuse, from her perspective I was thoughtless, selfish, insensitive and wrong.  Her children were deeply hurt and disappointed.  She and her husband were livid and sent a scathing email outlining the errors of my ways.  The email was long and furious.  Such is the wrath of a Momma bear whose cubs have been hurt.  In my pride, I defended my position, offered a lame apology and chalked up her reaction as being an overly emotional, irrational female.  

Years later, I came across a quote that literally changed my life.  As soon as I read it, it gave me clarity as to the true condition of my heart.   Written in the 1800’s by a British Pastor, it captures the true nature of ALL – especially those not on an official list yet.

“If any man thinks ill of you, do not be angry with him, for you are worse than he thinks you to be. If he charges you falsely on some point, yet be satisfied, for if he knew you better he might change the accusation, and you would be no gainer by the correction. If you have your moral portrait painted and it is ugly, be satisfied, for it only needs a few blacker touches, and it would be still nearer the truth.” – Charles Haddon Spurgeon

After reading this quote and recalling the blistering email, I came to realize two important things.  Her email to me was incorrect.  I was actually worse than she accused me of being.   Secondly, had she known me better – the email would have been longer.  Much longer.   If there was a list of promise breakers – my name would be at the top of that list.   Sadly, it took a few more broken promises in my life for me to realize the character flaw that coursed through my veins. 

It’s easy to villainize certain people in the news for the crimes and sins they commit.  As they are getting publicly flogged, we can quietly think we are better than them since we haven’t actually done the things they have.   But is there a difference between those who do it and those who merely think about it?   Is the gap really that far between kids who raid the cookie jar and those who wish they had the courage to?  Granted, the consequences are often different but aren’t their hearts and desire still the same?

The next time you read a newspaper headline, watch the evening news or see a mug shot, think for a moment about that person and their particular crime.   What is difference between your heart and theirs?   What keeps you in your comfortable home while they are behind bars or under a pile of shame?  

GRACE.

The line between a physical affair and an emotional one is about the size of dental floss.  The difference between an actual murder and consuming hatred is that one trigger has not been pulled yet.  The difference between a full lie and half-truth is that there is no difference.  Both are still liars.   One fat person might eat the whole pie while the skinny person just wants it.  Both can still be on the list of gluttons. 

Santa may keep a list of naughty people.  CNN might broadcast it.  Time Magazine might print it.  YouTube & the internet can make it go viral. 

But God, in His mercy, took the list with your name on it and simply nailed it to a cross.   With your name removed, He lovingly says, “Go, and sin no more.” (John 8:11)

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.  But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.”  – Galatians 6:1

Life lessons from coaching

rodarters

I have had the privilege of being a coach most of my adult life.  It really allows you an amazing perspective on life, people, human nature and parenting.   Though each sport I have coached (soccer, tennis, baseball & volleyball) requires a slightly different approach, coaching is general enough to apply similar principles.  Currently, I am coaching a high school girls volleyball team.   As I lead drills in practice, shout from the bench, share nuggets of wisdom during the 60 second time-out huddle, interact with the referees and watch the team execute the plays I have created – many life lessons come to the surface.  Here are just a few:

  • Though we play to win, the score is probably the least important aspect of the game.   This is hard to admit as a coach, but there are many a day where I must remind myself of the more important aspects than winning; sportsmanship, teamwork, integrity, encouragement, etc.  These are life lessons that will travel far beyond any particular game.   In life, sometimes the journey is more important than the destination.  Though we should all have a plan of where we would like to go, we must not let reaching the destination stop us from enjoying (or learning from) the process of getting there.   It’s not about how much money you make, but rather did you accumulate it with integrity?   It’s not about how high up the corporate ladder you climbed, but did you do it without stepping on someone else to get there?  Though winning is a goal, winning isn’t everything – in spite of what coaching great Vince Lombardi thinks.  As Former NBA player and coach Pat Riley once said, “A champion needs a motivation above and beyond winning.”
  • There is always a referee or umpire officiating the game.   Human nature prevents us from governing ourselves successfully.  Because the human heart is what it is, we will always need someone overseeing our behaviors and actions.  As honest as we would like to be, we cannot keep our own score.  We simply are not gifted with an unbiased heart.  As a result, a referee/umpire is always required.  Someone is always watching our behaviors, “every move we make and every step we take.”  This is even more true when we are not on the playing field.   In life, we sometimes forget this.  What you do behind closed doors isn’t really private.  The door is never really closed.  The websites you visit, the text messages you send, the shows you watch – can all be seen by a Heavenly Referee.   Just as you cannot cheat during a game and expect to get away with it, so it is with life.  Cheaters always get caught, it’s just a matter of time.  Not only do you forfeit the game, you forfeit a piece of your integrity, if not all of it.
  • The referees make calls you disagree with – deal with it.   It’s really hard to play your heart out only to lose a  point because a referee didn’t make the call you wanted.  That’s life.  No one ever claimed it was fair.   Referees are part of the experience and when the calls go your way, be grateful.  When they do not, move on and work on the next point.   They can’t see every angle.  They sometimes miss “obvious” calls, even with instant replay.  Since they never change their mind, arguing is simply a waste of precious time.  Life is a harsh teacher and many days, things will not go your way.   Though God makes no mistakes, He often does things (or allows things) that upset us or seem to make our “game” harder.   There are reasons for it, perhaps even unseen.  Accept what He hands you and trust His decisions.  His perspective is different from ours (Isaiah 55:10) and He’s been refereeing longer than you’ve been playing.   Trust His calls – they are more accurate than you think.  You just have a limited, self-centered perspective.
  • The clock is always ticking.   Some of the sports I have coached have not been time sensitive (tennis, volleyball, baseball).   In those sports, the game is over when one team reaches a certain number of points or innings.   In many sports, however, the clock is ever-present and constantly running out.  If there is one truth about life – it is simply this: Life goes on.   In good times or bad, the clock is always ticking and you must accomplish your goal within the time frame allotted.  Though you may live to be 100, you could also die tomorrow.  Today is the only day we are promised and therefore it is imperative we take advantage of it.  After a disappointing recent loss, one of my players said to me, “We’ll do better tomorrow, Coach.”  I quickly shot back, “We aren’t promised tomorrow.  We have to take advantage of today.”   I have buried too many people in my life to not realize this truth.   Moses understood this as the Leader of Israel.   Having watched a generation of people die during his 40 year desert wandering, he penned the following words to the Lord, “Teach us to number our days that we may present to you a heart of wisdom.” (Psalm 90:12)   YOUR clock is ticking.  Are you make the most of every play?
  • Time-outs.  A good coach will not only call time out but do so at the right time.  A well planned time out can make all the difference in the game.  Ask any football coach who is losing with less than two minutes left.   His ability to call time out can literally make the difference between a win and a loss.   In life, though the clock keeps ticking – we still have the ability to call some time outs.   How many  marriages would still be together today if one or both people called “time-out” and got the counseling they needed?  How many children would have avoided some painful life experiences had the parents simply called “time out” and took the time to parent.  If life isn’t going where you want it to go, call time out.  Take some time away from the game and figure out what is missing.  What are you doing wrong?   How can you change the score?  It can literally make the difference between the life you want and the life you accept.
  • Practice, practice, practice.  The beauty of practice is that it prepares you for the game.  The beauty of a game is that it reveals what you need to practice.  At the end of every game, a coach normally has no shortage of things to improve upon at the next practice.   Things come out during the game that make it painfully obvious (to the coach) where his team is “missing it.”  Life is unusual in that – at the same time – the practice is the game.   Every day is a dress rehearsal.  Every day is also the play.   Just as a coach must make constant adjustments as he goes, so do we all in life.  Continually evaluate your game and performance and figure out what needs to be changed to improve your score.   The ancient Greek philosopher Socrates once said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.”   You only have one shot at this game called “life.”  Make the most of it.  Take notes.  Make adjustments along the way so that when your time finally expires, you can have the satisfaction of knowing you did everything you could to be a winner.
  • Trust the coach.  Coaching is difficult on a number of levels.  For starters, you have to know the game inside and out.  You also have to know each individual player, their strengths, weaknesses and how to take them to the next level of play.  You have to know how far you can push an athlete towards maximum performance without breaking their spirit.  You have to come up with motivational, inspirational “Remember the Titan” type speeches when you are losing and they feel like giving up.  And if that wasn’t hard enough, you then have to choose a starting line up that you think gives your team the best advantage over your opponent.   Every decision you make is questioned by the athlete.  Every decision you make is scrutinized by someone’s parent who thinks their child is the best on the team.   Regardless, the coach is the coach and in the position to make the big decisions, even if you don’t like them.  Because they know the game better than you do, you should listen.  Because they see things you cannot see, you should heed their words.  Because they have a “big picture” perspective, it may be hard for an individual to understand because of their self-centered viewpoint.  Whereas an athlete looks at himself or a particular player, the coach sees a team.   Whereas a player sees one piece, the coach sees the whole puzzle and where each individual piece must go to make sense of it all.
  • The bench.   From time to time, every player spends time on the bench.  Some spend more time there than others.  A true athlete hates his time there while a lesser player may be grateful to sit on the bench reasoning “at least they made the team.”   Some end up on the bench because of an injury.  Others because of attitude or actions.  Most “ride the pine” because of lack of ability.   In Volleyball, even good players spend a few minutes on the bench because of how a team rotates on the court.   Like it or not, the bench is part of every game.  It’s also a part of every life.  We all have seasons where we are forced to sit out and watch.   Sometimes we all need just a few minutes to rest or re-group or to hear a word from the Coach before we can get back into action.  Throughout the Bible, God benched many star players.  Moses was benched because of his temper.  David was benched because of his libido.  Joseph was benched because of pride.  Peter was benched because of cowardice.  They all were reinstated back into the game and they all made some big plays for God after their time on the bench.

In a strange way, coaching brings me closer to God.   When my players ignore my instruction, it makes me think of the many times I refuse to listen to the instructions I’ve been given.   In my prideful moments, I join my players and think I know what’s best.  Like them, I tire quickly of practice.  I don’t want to practice (do the monotonous behind the scenes boring daily grind of routine).  I would rather perform under the lights and make the big plays.  When will I realize that those “Top 10 ESPY moments” only occur after hours and hours of mundane practice?

Why do I so quickly forget about the ever-present Referee that oversees all of life?  The earthly referee blows a loud whistle.  It’s annoyingly hard to miss.   God’s whistle is a gentle whisper often found in the pages of a dust-covered Book.  Why am I so willing to submit to a human umpire’s judgment on the field but argue with the Righteous Referee’s call off the court?

When I bench my players for any reason – I stop and think back to the times I’ve been benched myself – for even worse infractions.   When will a player come to the bench with a smile, recognizing the value of their time there?   When will I appreciate the sweet smell of pine for the times that God places me there?

After last night’s loss, it’s obvious that my team requires a lot more work to get where they need to be.  After writing this blog, it’s obvious that their coach needs a lot more work to get where he needs to be too.

Practice – here we come!

An unbelievable Book

rodarters

From time to time I come across someone who claims the Bible is boring.  Or they’ll say it is outdated.  Or it’s not relevant for today.  I always smile when I hear such things.  At first glance, I can understand why they say that.  After all, it was written thousands of years ago.   For some reason, we tend to think that “new” is exciting while old (material, books, movies, people) is boring and without relevance.   With that mentality, we miss out on some gems simply because something was filmed in black and white, printed before 1950 or has more wrinkles than we have.

The skeptics may own a Bible but it sits on their shelf with dust on it.  If you think the Bible is boring, it merely confirms that you have never read it.  The Bible has more action than a Hollywood film.  It has more drama than a Real Housewives episode.  It has more romance than a Nicholas Sparks novel.   The Song of Solomon would make 50 Shades of Grey blush.  And though there are no “punch lines” per say, it certainly has its share of humor. The content could produce dozens of blockbuster movies.  Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ movie proved that.  Focusing on the last 12 hours of Christ’s life, the film has become the highest grossing R-rated film of all time.  (Yes, the Bible is R-rated).

For those of you out there who have never read the Bible, I thought I would take a moment to highlight some of the more exciting stories found in the old Book.  I included their specific reference so you could read it for yourself.  Most of the stories are truly unbelievable.  It is for this reason that the Bible will not let you approach it without the faith of a child. 

For the record, it is always best to read a passage in context and try to understand the author’s intent in each “book.”  Greater light is shed on a passage when you understand the historical context surrounding it.  Reading the New Testament with 21st century eyes can sometimes make a passage confusing if you do not understand the 1st century background when it was written.  For example, Jesus tells His disciples in Matthew 5, “Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two.”  What a modern-day reader may not understand is in Galilee the law stated that a Roman soldier could force a Jew to carry his military pack up to one mile.  By law, a Jew had to obey this request.  Jesus was teaching servant leadership.  He was showing His students the high calling of Christianity in practical, everyday terms.  If one of His disciples found themselves in a position where they were forced to carry a soldier’s bag one mile, Jesus told them to carry it two.   Any pagan can walk the first mile by law.  A Christian desiring to impact the world willingly carries it two by grace.  It is from this passage and command that we get the phrase, “Go the extra mile.”  Many people are familiar with the phrase.  Only the Biblically educated understand where it came from.

Having said this, where else can you find a book that has all these components under the same cover?

  • A talking serpent (Genesis 3)
  • Murder (Genesis 4)
  • 900 year old men and people who never died (Genesis 5, II Kings 2)
  • A global natural disaster (Genesis 6-7)
  • The meaning of rainbows (Genesis 9)
  • Incest (Genesis 19, II Samuel 13)
  • Someone turned into a pillar of salt.  (Genesis 19)
  • Lying (Genesis 20)
  • Betrayal (Genesis 27)
  • Revenge (Genesis 27)
  • Wrestling with God (Genesis 32)
  • Rape (Genesis 34, II Samuel 13)
  • Plots to kill (Genesis 37)
  • Interpreted dreams (Genesis 40-41)
  • Hostage situation (Genesis 42)
  • A burning bush that talks (Exodus 3)
  • Parting the waters of the Red Sea (Exodus 14)
  • A log making water drinkable (Exodus 16)
  • Food that drops from Heaven (Exodus 16)
  • Water that comes out of rocks (Exodus 17)
  • A talking donkey (Numbers 22)
  • Espionage (Joshua 2)
  • The sun standing still for 24 hours (Joshua 10)
  • A 300 man army defeating over 130,000 soldiers (Judges 7-8)
  • The strongest man ever to live (Judges 14-16)
  • A love story (Ruth)
  • A boy killing a giant (I Samuel 17)
  • 200 foreskins as the requirement for someone’s hand in marriage (I Samuel 18)
  • The murder of 85 priests (I Samuel 22)
  • Communicating with the dead (I Samuel 28)
  • Executions (II Samuel 1)
  • Adultery (II Samuel 12)
  • A prayer that stops rain for 3.5 years (I Kings 17)
  • A fish swallowing a man (Jonah 3)

And that is just a brief stroll in the Old Testament.   In the New Testament you will find jailbreaks, teleportation, raising of the dead, exorcisms, beheadings and dozens of other miracles and stories!  Combine that with timeless messages of love, sacrifice, redemption, honor and faith – it makes for an exciting read!

The Bible is unlike any other book in circulation.  It contains laws, history, poetry, prophecy & biography.  Since the Author is present every time it is read, it has the unique ability to hide truth from some while revealing truth to others.  Because it is intensely personal, it can speak to each person’s heart and situation in a different, intimate way.  By its own admission, it is “inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness.”  It is “living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword.”  It is “able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” (II Timothy 3:16, Hebrews 4:12)

The Bible has been called a blueprint for life, a manual for living and a map for lost souls.  But the idea of reading a blueprint, manual or map just doesn’t appeal to me.  Who wants to read an instruction manual??

Then the other day, I received a card from a close friend.  In it was a handwritten expression of thanks for our friendship.  In a mailbox full of bills and junk, it was a welcomed note!   In the midst of a discouraging and depressing week I was experiencing, it lifted my spirit.  Someone out there took the time to write me a thoughtful message with their own hand. 

The Bible was written with the same thoughtful care.  Written over a period of 1500 years by 40 different men on three different continents in three different languages, the Bible communicates one overall message to every sinner who picks it up;

the unconditional love of a Parent to His wayward child. 

In that context, the Bible is no longer an instruction manual but rather a love letter.  It isn’t a boring map but a timely Hallmark card telling you just how important you really are.  It has a message for every fugitive letting them know the law is no longer looking for them.  It’s safe to come home now.

I had a conversation with a close friend this weekend and I referenced one of my blog posts.  He had not read it.  In fact, he had not read any of them!  I’ve written over 70 articles over the last 6 months and my good friend hadn’t read one of them.   To be honest, I was disappointed – if not a little hurt.  How could a good friend of mine not want to read MY blog?  Especially since several of the articles would resonate with him.  He would find hope and help in light of his painful circumstances.

Then I realized how God must feel when we choose TV over His Word, sports over church, shopping over tithing and entertainment over eternal pursuits. 

He has sent us a handwritten, tear dropped, blood stained letter and for many of us, it sits in our mailbox – for our entire lives – without ever getting opened.

Open your mailbox today.  Brush the dust off your Bible.  Read God’s blog.  It’s especially for a fugitive, written by the Warden with details about your pardon.   And that is far from boring!

“Your word is more desirable than gold, yes, than much fine gold; sweeter also than honey and the drippings of the honeycomb.  Moreover, by them Your servant is warned; in keeping them there is great reward.” – King David in Psalm 19:10-11

The mechanics of forgiveness

rodarters

I have been musing about forgiveness lately.   Maybe because I need some.  Or maybe because I have to extend it to someone out there.  Regardless, it seems like a difficult concept for some of us to grasp.  I understand why.  Sometimes the pain done to you hurts too much that you just don’t want to part with the forgiveness in your pocket.  Or sometimes the pain you caused is so deep, you can’t figure out how to ask for forgiveness from the person you wronged.  A lot of us have trouble forgiving ourselves.  Intellectually, we all agree that forgiveness is important.  Experientially, few of us want to do it.   The truth is…

we all want to receive forgiveness when we need it

but few of us like giving it when it’s required. 

Either way – forgiveness is essential for all relationships.  Forgiveness is a complicated machine and so I figured I’d open up the hood and take a peek at the mechanics.  Here is what I see:

  • Everyone needs forgiveness.    We have a lot of sayings in our culture about our human inadequacies;  “I’m only human,”  “To err is human,”   “Nobody is perfect.”, etc.   The reason we have them is obvious.  As humans, we make mistakes constantly.  We do and say stupid things.  We hurt others daily, intentionally and unintentionally.  Forgiveness is necessary to cleanse the slate.  It is the eraser for the chalkboard of life.  We need it in order to restore relationships and mend broken friendships.   Sometimes it is the only thing that can repair a relationship, particularly when restitution is simply not possible.
  • Forgiveness should be asked for.  When a wrong is done, forgiveness cannot be assumed, it should be asked for.   Saying “I’m sorry” is a good first step but it is not the same as asking for forgiveness.   Children say, “I’m sorry.”  Adults say, “Please forgive me.”  “Sorry” can be said with pride.  Sincerely asking for forgiveness can only be said with humility.  “Sorry” keeps control in your hands.  Asking forgiveness gives control to the person you wronged.  “Sorry” is like a band-aid.  “Please forgive me” is like surgery – it can bring true healing to the soul and broken relationship.   A proper, appropriate apology should have the following components:

“I am so sorry for….”

“I was wrong to….”

“Please forgive me for…”

  • Forgiveness needs to be extended.  This is the hardest aspect of forgiveness, extending it to those who need it.  Like I mentioned earlier, we all want it when we need it but few of us want to give it when it is required.  Even as I type this, someone out there will think of some scenario (real or otherwise) and challenge this point.  “You mean that someone who does _____________ (fill in the most despicable, evil thing you can think of) needs to be forgiven?”   Yes.   Even that guy.  Eventually.  I am not saying that forgiveness can or needs to be immediate.  It is never easy.  Sometimes it can take a long time to get to the point where you forgive someone for the wrong they have done, particularly if the offense is sizable.  But, they do need to be forgiven.  By you.  Withholding forgiveness not only hurts them and prevents them from the necessary healing, it keeps you from it as well.  The last thing we want to do is relieve any guilt the offender may be feeling.  After all, we justify that it’s the least he deserves for what he has done.  The problem is, withholding forgiveness does more damage to you. 
  • Forgiveness has conditions.  If there was ever a reason why you should forgive those who have wronged you, this is it. Did you know that if you withhold forgiveness from others, God Himself has promised to withhold it from you?  “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6:14-15)  Compare any sin committed against you to the ones you’ve committed against God and you should have the wrong placed immediately into perspective.  If Jesus can forgive the sins that placed Him on a cross, certainly you can forgive the sins against you.  Remember, the sins against you did not kill you.
  • The Golden Rule in forgiveness.   The above condition should put the wrongs committed against you into perspective.  If that does not, then put yourself into the seat of the offender for a minute.  Walk a mile in their shoes.  Granted, what they did was wrong.  It may be true that what happened to you was mean or hurtful or even intentionally evil.  Perhaps what they did to you can never be undone or “fixed.”  Having said that, if you were in their place, wouldn’t you want to be forgiven?   One of the main motivators of why we do what we do (even forgive!) is because we know we should “treat others the way we want to be treated.” (Matthew 7:12)   There may be a time, sooner than you think, when you want someone to treat you the way they want to be treated, not necessarily the way you deserve to be treated.
  • The undeserved nature of forgiveness.  Forgiveness, like grace, is never deserved.  That’s what makes it so powerful.  Forgiveness, like a gift, can never be earned.   It can’t be.  That’s why it brings such freedom.  The reason that forgiveness is so hard to extend to wrong doers is because it goes against our very protective nature.  Holding a grudge is safe.  Offering forgiveness makes you vulnerable.  Deep down, we desire fairness.  At our core, we scream for justice.  We ache for restitution or payment for wrongs done.   And oftentimes – if not most times – forgiveness must occur before justice, fairness or a balanced ledger is in place.  It does not mean that justice should not be sought or that restitution should not be given.  It does not mean that the wrong is overlooked or the pain is simply ignored.  It just means that an olive branch of peace is being extended even while the smoke of the last musket shot is still in the air.   Sometimes it is the offering of forgiveness that brings about the justice and healing we so desperately need.  Too often, we must try to heal the hurter before our wounds can be truly healed.

“Keep in mind, hurting people often hurt other people as a result of their own pain.  If somebody is rude and inconsiderate, you can almost be certain that they have some unresolved issues inside. They have some major problems, anger, resentment, or some heartache they are trying to cope with or overcome. The last thing they need is for you to make matters worse by responding angrily.” – Joel Osteen, Pastor.

  • The example of forgiveness.   If anyone understands forgiveness, it is Christ.   No one in human history has been so innocent and yet so wronged.   The very purpose of His presence requires a global apology from mankind.  Formerly occupying a heavenly throne, He was born a baby in a manure scented manger.  Having created the universe with the “word of His power”, He entered as a defenseless child having to learn how to walk and talk like the rest of us.  Instead of being recognized for the Deity that He was, He was known as a mere carpenter from Nazareth… “can anything good come from a place like that?”  He claimed to be the Truth while most people thought He was lying.  He claimed to be a King but lived like He was a pauper.  He was constantly mocked by strangers.  He was doubted by everyone – even members of His family.  He was beaten by Roman soldiers.  He was spit upon by prison guards.  Think about that.  Nothing is more degrading than human spit on a holy God.  He was flogged by His government.  He was slandered in court.  He was betrayed by His closest friends.  He was sentenced to death by the Church.  He was condemned to die naked, publicly humiliated, among thieves.  He was deserted by everyone at His greatest hour of need.  He was even deserted by His own Heavenly Father.  Clearly, that was the hardest part for Him as He cried out, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken Me?” For three hours on an excruciating cross, He was truly alone – in every sense of the word.

And yet while there in that position.  

Hurting in every way possible. 

Barely able to breathe from the pain.

Before anyone even regretted what they had done.  

Or even asked for forgiveness.

He did the unthinkable. 

He did what a God would do.  

He prayed for His enemies.   He blessed those who cursed Him.   He turned the other cheek and walked that second mile.  He practiced what He preached.

He forgave.

Even me.

Even you.

Let’s do the same.

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” – Ephesians 4:31-32

Emotional Bank Accounts

rodarters

I received a phone call this week from a distraught friend, sobbing in-between sentences.   Within seconds, the source of her tears became obvious.  Her boyfriend of over 2 years had ended their relationship rather abruptly.  She is now regrettably single again, hurting from a broken heart.

I have received the same phone call every week for the last 20 years.  Though the voice is different every time, the conversation is pretty much the same.  Guys and girls dealing with the emotional devastation of a broken relationship.   As they share the details of their particular situation, I am always reminded of a conversation I had with a professor from college.  If memory serves me right, I was the one on the other end of the phone and his counsel to me was providing insight and ointment to my hurting heart.  Love had been lost and I was trying to make sense of the pain.  During the course of our conversation, he shared an illustration that has stayed with me for over 20 years.  It made sense to me since it painted a picture of my pain and allowed me to understand more clearly why I felt the way I did.   I have shared the illustration liberally for the last two decades.  This week I shared it again with my latest hurting friend.  Today, I thought it worth sharing with my readers.

With every person we have a relationship with, we have an accompanying emotional bank account with their name on it.   For example, when we are conceived, an account is open with our parents.  From the first kick in the womb, both child and parent begin mutual investments in each other’s accounts.   Over the years, the account grows.  Parents obviously make the bigger investment, depositing countless emotional dollars into their children’s account.  Children, by nature, take constant withdrawals.  The reason they can make so many withdrawals is because they have access to an emotional ATM machine with seemingly endless emotional cash on hand.  Parents tend to love like that.

Likewise, we have an account open with our siblings.   We also have one open with our employer, co-workers, spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, neighbors and dozens of acquaintances.  When the relationship begins, the account is officially opened.  From that point on, deposits and withdrawals are made as the relationship progresses.  Some invest more than others.  Naturally, we invest more into our loved one’s account than we do in our neighbor’s.  Others take more withdrawals.  As long as there is money in the account, the account stays open.  In the case of a break-up or divorce there are too many withdrawals, not enough deposits and in the end, the account has been overdrawn too many times to count.  The account inevitably closes.  One or both ends up emotionally bankrupt.

Like a real checking account, deposits make the account stronger and withdrawals make the account weaker.  In a normal, healthy account both parties make more deposits than withdrawals.  In an unhealthy account, one or both parties make more withdrawals than deposits.  As long as there are more deposits than withdrawals, the account stays open.

Emotional deposits can occur intentionally and unintentionally.  They happen on both a conscious and unconscious level.   They also can occur visibly and invisibly.   Deposits can occur when you spend time with that person or when you are absent from them.  They can occur while you are talking to them and they can occur in the privacy of your thoughts.  They grow through various mediums; thoughts, text messages, emails, letters, words, prayer, gift giving, acts of service, affection, quality time, humor, flowers, chocolates, cards, etc.  Deposits can be unlimited.  In other words, you can deposit all you want without making any withdrawals.

Emotional withdrawals:  Withdrawals are normal occurences in any checking account and they often occur daily.  Like deposits, they also can occur intentionally and unintentionally, consciously and unconsciously, visibly and invisibly.  Unlike deposits, withdrawals are not unlimited.  There are only so many you can make without making a deposit.  Too many withdrawals without enough deposits and you could find yourself with an empty account.  Withdrawals come in all shapes and sizes; lies, lack of quality time, infidelity, neglect, mean words, insensitivity, broken promises, abuse, thoughtlessness, lack of affection, etc.

Overdrawn accounts:  As mentioned earlier, an emotional bank account is overdrawn when the withdrawals surpass the deposits.   What’s really important is not the size of the withdrawal as much as the size of the account prior to the withdrawal.   If there is enough emotional money in the account to cover the withdrawal, the relationship stays intact.  It may not be strong – but it’s still open.  When the withdrawal exceeds the account balance, the account is overdrawn and the relationship is in serious trouble.  Massive deposits need to be made quickly or the account will be frozen or closed.

When it comes to emotional banking, how strong are your current accounts?  Do you find you make consistent deposits into the accounts of the people closest to you?  Or do you just take withdrawals?   Do you look for ways to strengthen each account entrusted to you or do you find yourself writing emotional checks you hope won’t bounce?  When it comes to emotional banking, you are either making deposits or you are taking withdrawals.   There is no stationary banking.

Most of what I know about emotional bank accounts, I learned the hard way.  I spent the majority of my adult life accepting deposits into mine without reciprocation.  Others deposited into my account while I mainly took withdrawals.   Don’t get me wrong, I did make some emotional deposits, they were just not significant enough to handle some of the withdrawals I was consistently taking.   Though I poured my life into dozens of people and had countless accounts open at different times, very few of them had emotional deposits in them.  I cared about each account but I did not know how to make an emotional deposit similar in size to the ones deposited into my account.  I gave my accounts time, money, attention, affection, thoughts, gifts, etc.   On the outside, the relationships looked normal – even healthy.  What was missing, however, was emotion.  My emotion.  What I reserved from the deposit was my heart.  Frankly, it was safer that way.

One day, I woke up to the realization that the people I loved the most were actually the furthest from me.  Though they had made me rich, without realizing it I emotionally bankrupted them.   I had gotten so used to writing bad emotional checks that I did not see the account had even closed.  Looking back, the trouble had been brewing for a while.   Apparently, the checks had been bouncing for years and I had been living on credit.   Credit, it turns out, is not endless.  Eventually real money needs to be given, even when that currency is emotional.

As I have befriended and counseled people over the years, I realize I am not alone.   It seems like many men (particularly) struggle knowing how to invest emotionally.  We don’t know how to give that elusive thing called our heart.   It’s not that we don’t have one, though I do understand those who think we don’t.  The issue is that we don’t really know how to access our heart.  From our earliest memory, our culture tells boys to ignore our emotions, stuff them, repress them, etc.  Sometimes parents and coaches reinforce that message to the male population.  It is certainly the model that we see in Hollywood.  Action heroes make relatively few emotional investments on-screen.  Whereas women are allowed to wear their heart on their sleeve, men are taught to deny it’s even under their shirt.   And yet, men still have to function in their relationships.  We can’t be completely disengaged emotionally.  So, we learn to live with only a portion of our heart in action.  The rest of it is locked under guard.  Even around other men, it rarely is exposed.  Most men would rather jump on a landmine then share what’s really going on under the chest plate of armor.   The exploding shrapnel seems easier to handle.

The Apostle Paul understood emotional bank accounts.  He also understood the need for a one’s heart to be engaged in relationships.  The man who formerly oversaw the execution of innocent Christians had his hard heart-broken.   It wasn’t smashed with a hammer.  It wasn’t crushed with rock.  It was changed by his encounter with the King of Hearts.  In fact, so changed was Paul’s heart and life by this encounter, that he penned the following words about the importance of love in relationships;

“If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.  If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all His mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I am nothing.  If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere.  So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.” (I Corinthians 13:1-4)

We can make lots of money, receive high awards, even accomplish some amazing things – but without an engaged heart and emotional investments in our relationships – we are nothing.

Come on, men.  Let’s figure out a way to get access to your heart.  Your spouses are yearning for it.  Your children desperately need it.  Our culture is craving for some male examples in this area.  And most importantly, your own heart needs to feel the joy and pain of a beating heart, invested emotionally with those he leads and loves.

For the record, I’m not there yet.  I’m not even pretending I’m close to where I need to be.   But, I’m trying.  Daily, I try to face my emotional fears and do my best to move the ball forward.    And when I think of my past failures, present struggles and hopeful future victories, I think of John Newton, the former slave trader and writer of the classic hymn, “Amazing Grace.”  He wrote,

“I am not what I ought to be, not what I want to be, not what I hope to be.   But still, I am not what I used to be. And by the grace of God, I am what I am.”

That gives me hope.   Anyone want to sit down with some Kleenex and talk about our feelings over a cup of coffee?

Yea, me neither.  There’s a landmine I have to jump on right now.

 

For an outstanding woman’s perspective on this topic, click here.