Author: rodarters

I am bad to the bone

rodarters

good at being badBelieve it or not, I have a few enemies walking around on this planet.   If they were to ever see this post title, they would whole-heartedly agree that I am a bad person.   A few of them have even taken the time to let me know how bad they think I am.  Just for the record, they are right.  I am a bad person but for different reasons than they think.

For my enemies, I am a bad person because I have done some bad things.  Like everyone else with a pulse, I have not always made the wisest decisions.  At times I have acted selfishly and hurt others as a result, even unintentionally.  Even though I am truly sorry for those actions and have done what I can to make peace with those I have wronged, their pain remains. Some have chosen to forgive me.  Some have not.  No one forgets.  Be that as it may, I can’t change the past and it’s not healthy for me to stay there.  So, I now embrace my past and try to learn from my scars.

I am not a bad person because I have done some bad things.  If that was the criteria for being a bad person, than everyone would share this same title.   Haven’t we all done something bad at some point in our lives?  The problem lies in our definition of bad.  For many out there, they view “badness” in terms of action alone and have created an unspoken hierarchy and ambiguous rating system.  For example, murderers are obviously bad.  So are adulterers and rapists.  If you steal something, you’re also bad.  Or if you harm children or any animals.  Also, if you get drunk, do drugs, chew (or go out with those who do), you’re also bad.  While we are at it, if you have tattoos (especially visible ones) or have any type of piercing (other than your ears) – you’re probably bad.  After all, “good” people in the church choir don’t have these.  As you can see from my sarcasm, it’s a slippery slope when bad is relegated to actions alone.

There are also varying degrees of bad, at least that’s how we act.  For some reason, robbing someone’s home is worse than stealing someone’s car.  But if you kidnap a child you are worse than the hijacker of cars.  These examples of stealing are worse than if you stole money from your neighbor’s purse which is worse than stealing paper from your employer’s copy machine.  And stealing “time” from that same employer does not count because it is not a tangible item that is missing, even if your employer’s “bottom line” says differently.  It can get confusing and crazy trying to not only keep track of what you do but comparing yourself to others.  Even if, by your own definition, you are bad – at least you’re not as bad as the guy next to you.  After all, he has a tattoo.

During this particular holiday season, there is a lot of discussion about Santa’s “list” and who has been “naughty” or “nice.” the list This list is based entirely on behavior from the previous months.  We all have (in our mind) what constitutes as “naughty” and who is deserving of Santa’s coal. But what if bad went beyond action?  What if you received that title simply because of your thoughts?   Thoughts precede action and therefore before anyone is bad in deed, they are bad in thought.

How many of us have lustful thoughts during the day?  How many have wished ill on their enemy or even their ex?   How many desire revenge on the highway?  How many have thought about taking what is not yours simply because “no one will know?”  How many have thought poorly about someone at work?   The truth is, if you add thoughts to the criteria of bad, the list of bad people just grew exponentially.  You may not have killed someone but you have certainly wanted to.  You may not have physically cheated on someone’s spouse but you have thought about what it would be like.  Have we all not looked at someone’s house (car, clothes, life, paycheck, etc) at some point and secretly desired it?  Who among us has not looked down on someone simply because they are less fortunate than us?   Add thoughts to the equation and very very few of us can escape the label of “bad”.

Being a bad person goes even deeper than just our actions and thoughts.  Remember, we are human BEINGS.  So, what is our being?   It’s not as pretty as you might think.   For example, observe a two-year old.  No one seems more innocent than a baby or child.  But are they?  Watch them interact with other children or even their parents.  No decent parent teaches them how to lie, deceive or steal.  Yet, these same little “angels” will behave like master thieves, on their own, with no previous examples, coaching or experience.   How?   How does such a young child, devoid of evil training, learn how to act so sneaky?  Where do they learn how to tell a lie?  They watch Barney and Sesame Street and stay with Mom constantly and suddenly, at the playground, they are mini-Hitler.  How can you explain this?   You certainly didn’t teach them to steal toys and hit others.  Why do they behave in this way?    Two words:

Human nature.

Nurture is how you were raised.  Nature is how you were born.  Nurture is influenced by environment.  Nature is determined by genetics.  Your nurture (upbringing) may have been good, even really good.  Your nature is not.  You are, quite literally, bad to the bone.  Genetically speaking, you’re a sinful mess.  Your DNA is rotten, at the core.  When Adam fell in the Garden, a sinful nature entered his heart that has been passed down from generation to generation ever since.  This does not mean you are evil, it just means you are capable of it.  This is what the Apostle Paul was talking about when he wrote, “Therefore, just as through one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sinned.” (Romans 5:12)   We aren’t bad because we do bad things.  We do bad things because we are bad – at the heart level.  Just as an apple tree produces an apple, sinful hearts produce sinful actions.

Our justice system makes the assumption that we are, “innocent until proven guilty.”  We make the assumption that we are “basically good.”  God has a different opinion.  He doesn’t compare us to each other.  He compares us to Him and doesn’t judge with a bell curve.  King David recognized our predicament when he wrote, “I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin my mother conceived me.” (Psalm 51:5)  The prophet Jeremiah understood our heart condition when he penned, “The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9)  The Apostle Paul ended the debate as to who was more advantaged in God’s sight when he writes, “Are we (Jews) better than they? (non-Jews)?  Not at all: for we have already charged that both Jews and Greeks are under sin; as it is written, “There is none righteous, not even one… for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”  Even as a highly educated spiritual leader of his day, Paul was acutely aware of his fallen nature.  He writes, “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not.  For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want.  But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.  I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good.”  (Romans 7:18-21)  The man who wrote 13 books of the New Testament even referred to himself as the “chief of sinners.” (I Timothy 1:15)  It doesn’t matter if you were raised by Christian parents, attended Christian school, baptized in a Christian church by a Christian pastor and can recite the Christian’s Bible in the original languages.  Every heart begins beating hostile to God and is inclined to give Him the middle finger.  And because of that, heart surgery is required.

This is why good works cannot get you into Heaven, as many seem to believe.  Logically, it doesn’t make sense.  How good do you have to be for a perfect God to let you in?  What deeds does He count as good?  What about your bad deeds?  Do they cancel out the good ones?  How do you know the current score?  What if you have good deeds but bad thoughts?  Can bad thoughts cancel out good deeds?   What good are good deeds if you still have a bad heart?  The questions are endless and exhausting.  In our performance based culture, we want to work our way in.  Doing or thinking or being “good” isn’t the prerequisite for Heaven.  If it were, how did the thief on the cross get in?

33 years after Jesus entered the world as a baby, He hung from a cross between two thieves.   The two criminals represented all of mankind; Jew or Gentile, black or white, male or female, slave or free, me or you.  Both were bad men, committing crimes that were fully deserving of their death penalty.  Both had spent their lives taking from others.  Now they were going to have their lives taken from them.  They were hanging, helpless and hopeless.  In-between them hang Christ; silent and bleeding.  Though He was dying, He was still at work.  He had one more heart to change, a heart probably harder than yours.  The thief was on death row with no more cards to play.  He can no longer run and his lies don’t work here.  It’s really hard to lie when you are staring at the Truth.  He offers no apologies and he makes no promises.  He just utters a humble prayer, “Remember me when You come in Your kingdom.”  No good deeds are possible.  All his thoughts are regret.  All he has left is his bad self and humble request.  Apparently that’s all he needed.  “Today“, Jesus said, “you will be with Me in Paradise.”   The irony is striking.  Jesus was welcomed to earth in a stable.  A sinful crook is welcomed to Heaven with a mansion.  That’s how God treats people who recognize their sin and their inability to fix it.

I think that is what I like most about this season called Christmas.  It’s not the gifts though they are nice to give and receive.  It’s not the Christmas trees or the lights.  It’s not the carols and egg nog and mistletoe.   It’s the reminder.  A reminder of what is the true reason for the season.   Jesus didn’t come to give us a gift.  Instead, He came to be one.  The Baby in the manger didn’t come to be cute, but to be the Cure.   He didn’t come to make good men nicer.  He came to make bad men His.   He didn’t come to warm my heart.  He came to give me a new one.  And He’s still working.  He’s got more hearts to change, one bad thief at a time.

And there is no greater Christmas present than a new heart.

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“If any man thinks ill of you, do not be angry with him, for you are worse than he thinks you to be. If he charges you falsely on some point, yet be satisfied, for if he knew you better he might change the accusation, and you would be no gainer by the correction. If you have your moral portrait painted and it is ugly, be satisfied, for it only needs a few blacker touches, and it would be still nearer the truth.” – Charles Haddon Spurgeon

“For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9, emphasis mine).

“But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy.” (Titus 3:4-5)

My $86,400 gift

rodarters

Last night, I was awoken by the doorbell.  I looked at my clock – it was exactly 11:58pm – two minutes shy of midnight.  “Who could that be?”, I thought.  I went to the door and as I slowly opened it – a man was outside. I noticed three things right away: He was really old, had a really big watch and held a large duffel bag in his hand.

Was he in trouble and needing help?  Was he a polite, old-school thief – knocking before entering?  Was he a trick or treater running late?   This had to be important because of the lateness of the hour.

“Good evening“, he said. “I would like to give you a gift.”

“What kind of gift?”, I asked, still half-asleep – thinking this was a joke.

“$86,400 dollars“, said the man.

This had to be a joke.  Who gives strangers money of any amount – particularly at midnight, especially that size?  I laughed.

He handed me the bag – and as he did – allowed me to see the contents.  bag of moneySure enough, there was a lot of money in there.  He spoke again, “Exactly, $86,400 dollars.  It’s yours.  You have till this time tomorrow to invest it.”   And with that, my new best friend left.

I stood dumfounded at my door.  Not being able to sleep, I spent the next few minutes looking at it – planning how I would spend it.  10% would go to the church.  Another portion would go into savings.  Some would go towards Christmas gifts.  Some would go towards helping the less fortunate.  Some would go towards my children’s college fund.  Some would be invested.  Some would buy some stuff I’ve always wanted.  Within moments, every dollar was accounted for.   I had spent all of it in my mind.  But then I remembered the old man’s words.  I had to “invest it” and I only had 24 hours to do it.   It wasn’t enough time.

At that moment, my alarm clock went off.  I awoke, discovering (to my disappointment) that it was merely a dream.  Drats.  I really wanted it to be true.  I really wanted to receive a gift that size!  Then the thought hit me, I have.  In fact, that gift has been given to me thousands of times over the course of my life – not in dollars, but in seconds.

We all know that there are 60 seconds in a minute and 60 minutes in an hour.  But did you realize there are 86,400 seconds in a day?  Consider the last 24 hours of your life… how many hours did you waste?  If you are like most people, you have squandered a lot of time this week. But it can actually get more depressing. Determine how many minutes you have wasted – not this week – but over the course of your life?   If every second was a dollar and you invested instead of spent, think of how rich your life would be – even today.

Ever notice that to a child – waiting 5 minutes feels like “forever” to them?  Listen to a parent of a college freshman describe the previous 18 years – “it flew by”.   There is an amazing perspective on time – the older you get.  I don’t know about you – but I’ve wasted a lot of time in my life.  I’ve spent years chasing worthless things.  Instead of investing wisely, I’ve foolishly spent.  That “money” is gone – never to return.  But today, we have all been given a new gift in the currency of time.  If God is gracious, you will be given 86,400 seconds today.  Considering that you spend about 28,800 seconds every day sleeping – that leaves you with only 57,600 seconds left for today.  How are you going to invest them?

As I write this, I am sitting next to one of my sleeping children.   I love to watch them sleep.  As I do, I am often  flooded with memories of our past.  Fun times at the park, milestones we have achieved, vacations we have enjoyed.  Even yesterday, as I was driving, this child says to me, “Dad, can you explain something to me?  The idiom “making a mountain out of a mole hill,” what does that mean?”   The child just turned seven.  I didn’t know what an idiom was until college.   The definition is still fuzzy to me.  Conversational memories like these are precious to me, if not humbling.  I’m left with two primary thoughts.  1) My kids are smarter than I am.   2) I want more time with them.

As I look at my children, I am acutely aware that my own Dad is no longer with me.  He died unexpectedly when I was five years old from viral pneumonia.  One of my earliest childhood memories is watching the paramedics take my Dad away.  It was the last time I ever saw him.   I wish I had more time.  We all wish for more time, particularly with those we love.

The reality is, we have 86,400 seconds every day with which to make things happen.  It’s the same amount given generously to everyone, whether you are the President of the United States or a drug addict on the street.  

How will you invest your gift today?

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The following poem does a beautiful job explaining the importance of this investment of time.  

The Dash – by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone,
from the beginning…to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
and spoke of the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,
the cars…the house…the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.

So, think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what’s true and real
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we’ve never loved before. 

If we treat each other with respect
and more often wear a smile,
remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read,
with your life’s actions to rehash…
would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent YOUR dash?

  • “So teach us to number our days, that we may present to You a heart of wisdom.” (Moses in Psalm 90:12)
  • “Be very careful, then, how you live — not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.”  (Paul in Ephesians 5:15-16)
  • “Show me, O LORD, my life’s end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life. You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you.  Each man’s life is but a breath.” (David in Psalm 39:4-5)

The anatomy of a true gift

rodarters

wrapped_present_boxDecember is the season of gift giving. Though gifts are given throughout the year (for births and birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, etc) – this is the season where gift giving is rampant and expected. Traffic is horrible. Lines are long. Everything is on sale and everyone is buying something for someone.

I have been thinking a lot about gifts this season, why we give them and to whom. I used to think about what I want. Now I think about what I need. I used to think about what I would get. Now I think about what I will give. Lately, I have been pondering what makes a gift a gift. Below are some general thoughts about gifts and what’s behind them.

Gifts are the visible, tangible expressions of love.
Why do we give gifts? To show love. WHO do we give them to? To those we love. This truth is so obvious we might actually miss it. Never has a total stranger handed me a thoughtful gift picked just for me. Gifts are only given to those we care about. Sometimes that gift is wrapped, other times it is in the form of time, attention, affection, money, prayers, forgiveness, etc. Whenever someone gives you a gift – they are saying way more than just “here’s a thing I bought or did for you”. They are saying they care and this is how they are choosing to express it.

The bigger the gift, the greater the expression of love.
There is usually a direct correlation between the sacrifice required to “purchase” the gift and the love of the giver. It is for this reason that most men spend a small fortune on an engagement ring. The gift is more than a ring, it is a statement. It is their attempt to show the greatest expression of the love they feel for their betrothed. The sacrifice required to afford the “rock” communicates the height and depth and breadth of love from the giver. It was with this in mind that David’s men risked their lives to get him precious water from the well of Bethlehem (II Samuel 23:15-16). Getting the water from there was a HUGE gift and it was just the right size to communicate how much they loved their king.

You cannot pay for a true gift.
What makes a gift a gift is that you received it for free. If you paid for it, it would be called a “purchase” and no longer a gift.

You cannot earn a true gift.
What makes a gift a gift is that you received it for free. If you earned it, it would be called a “wage” and no longer a gift.

You do not deserve a true gift
What makes a gift a gift is that you received it for free. If you deserved it, it would be called a “right” and no longer a gift.

Every true gift requires a sacrifice from the giver.
In II Samuel 24, David was severely disciplined by the Lord for taking a census of the people. After watching 70,000 men die as a result of David’s sin, David was instructed by the prophet Gad to “build an altar to the Lord on the threshing floor of Araunah the Jebusite“. When David approached Araunah and told him of his desire to purchase the threshing floor from him, Araunah offered it to David at no charge. David’s response? “No, but I will surely buy it from you for a price, for I will not offer burnt offerings to the Lord my God which cost me nothing” (vs. 24). David desired to give the Lord a true gift and he knew that a gift worthy of the Lord had to be sacrificial.

Every received gift requires a response from the receiver.
Sometimes the response is a simple thank you or thank you card. Other times it is doing something nice for them. Sometimes, the only appropriate response is a surrendered life.

The greater the gift, the greater the response.
This is what Jesus was trying to teach Simon the Pharisee in Luke 7 when He told the story about the moneylender and his two debtors. The moneylender forgave both debtors of their debt even though one had a significantly higher debt than the other. Jesus then asks Simon which debtor loved the moneylender more. The answer is obvious, the one who was gifted with much forgiveness, loves more. Your response to the gift is in direct proportion to your understanding of the size of the gift.

So, with these simple truths in mind about gifts and what’s behind them….let’s consider the Ultimate Gift this Christmas season.
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Gifts are the visible, tangible expressions of love.
“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” – John 3:16

The bigger the gift, the greater the expression of love.
“”This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” – John 15:12-13

You cannot pay for a true gift.
“For it is by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God, not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” – Ephesians 2:8-9

You cannot earn a true gift.
“But when the kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared, He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy…” – Titus 3:4-5

You do not deserve a true gift
“But God demonstrates His own love towards us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” – Romans 5:8

Every true gift requires a sacrifice from the giver.
“…Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” – Philippians 2:5-8

Every received gift requires a response from the receiver.
“Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children, and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us…” – Ephesians 5:1

The greater the gift, the greater the response.
“Therefore as you have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, having been firmly rooted and now being built up in Him and established in your faith, just as you were instructed, and overflowing with gratitude.” – Colossians 2:6-7

Let’s think about His gift to us this season and what our response should be.

“Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift.” – II Corinthians 9:15

School shootings and what they teach us about security

rodarters

school security guardAs I write this, I am on a business trip to Sheppards Air Force Base in Wichita Falls, TX. Before I entered the base, I drove through a military checkpoint where my car was visually searched and my credentials were thoroughly checked by an armed guard. Every military installation in the country has a similar procedure for all who enter their base. On November 5, 2009, in spite of all of these security precautions, a single gunman was able to get past all forms of base security. In a few terrifying moments, 13 were killed and 29 wounded in one of the most secure places on American soil, Fort Hood, the most populous US military installation in the world. To this day, it is the worst shooting ever to take place on an American military base.

This morning, a single gunman got past the “security system” of an elementary school in Newtown, CT and opened fire on students, teachers and administrators before killing himself. (By security system, I mean the doors were locked and could only be opened after being “buzzed in.”  Denied entrance, he broke through a window.) In a few terrifying moments, over 27 are dead with at least 20 of them being students under the age of seven.

Today, my son turned seven years old. He is a first grader at an elementary school that does not have a high-tech security system. In fact, at his school, they don’t even lock the doors.  Many Wednesdays at 10:15am, I walk through the unlocked front doors and head to the main office to “sign in” to have lunch with my son. Less than 10 steps past those doors is the cafeteria where several hundred students eat lunch at one time in one place. As a parent, after today’s tragic event, you can see where my thoughts are going.  Though the school does have a police presence both morning and afternoon, it is far from secure.  And in the school’s defense, how can it be?  The killer in CT smashed through a window.  In spite of locked doors he forced his way in.  The shooter at Fort Hood was not only a soldier on base, but a practicing psychiatrist. Psychiatrists are supposed to help the crazy, not be crazy themselves. The point is, no security in the world can stop every crime committed by those hell-bent on evil.

In the next few weeks we will be hearing more about the need for more police, more cameras, more locks, more metal detectors, more parental chaperones on school campuses. Even if all of these things are installed, will it even help? I am well-known by the staff at my son’s elementary school. Teachers and administrators know me by name. Every day they see me cheerfully pick up my son from school.  Many Wednesdays they see a loving father have lunch with his son.  There would be no reason for them not to trust me.  I do not appear unstable in any way.  And yet, with such unhindered access, I could (if I wanted to) cause unspeakable horror to their student body.  And what about the teachers?  Or their staff? Countless millions of trusted individuals work with our nation’s youth and in our country’s school systems. Is it possible for any school to fully protect every child from someone bent on doing wrong?

It’s hard enough to protect ourselves from the evil outside the walls of our homes, churches, malls and schools. How can any school, church, mall or public arena even begin to protect themselves from the evil within?  There are simply not enough police, cameras or locks to prevent terrorists from creating terror.

Just as we have witnessed with previous school shootings, the shooting at the Colorado movie theatre, the various mall slayings and now the elementary school tragedy, we are once again forced to face our greatest problem in America today. It is not the lack of police, the lack of education or the lack of locks. We do not lack staffing or cameras or even metal detectors. We lack the ability to protect ourselves from ourselves and it is quickly costing our personal freedom.

I flew one of the major airlines to reach my destination this week. Like thousands before me, I moved at the pace of herding cattle through the security checkpoint in the airport. I was forced to take off my shoes, belt and jacket and stand in an awkward position as the X-ray machine spun around me. Just before I was deemed “safe” by the TSA, there was an obvious issue with the people in front of me. A young couple was being searched by security because of their baby stroller. Either the baby, the stroller or the diaper bag had raised a concern and everyone behind them were now delayed. Ten minutes went by and I am standing there, half-naked, waiting to reunite with my dignity. Thanks to 9-11, this scene has become the norm, throughout every airport in the country.

Today, was the 9-11 of our school system.  Though the previous school shootings have certainly impacted our national psyche and have created a movement of security, nothing hits closer to home than watching little children gunned down in what’s supposed to be a safe haven of learning. The few minutes of terror experienced in that elementary school in Connecticut will be a defining moment in our country’s school system. Parents across the country will demand for security changes to their various schools. I imagine even my access to my own son will change by next Wednesday because of what happened today.

Our prayers go out to the families of the victims. Our thoughts go out to the hundreds of families whose upcoming Christmas morning will be tainted by today’s horrific events. In spite of this, let us not lose hope.

Though Judas betrayed Jesus. Though Peter denied Christ. Though the disciples deserted their Rabbi. Though the Jews killed their King. Though the inner circle acted like the outer enemy. The trusted committed treason.  What others may intend for evil, God can turn for good.  May God somehow do what He does best in these terrible situations, create triumph from tragedy – even days away from our nation’s most beloved holiday.

And may we finally recognize where our nation’s security really lies.  It’s not in our military or our checkpoints or our metal detectors, police, locks or cameras. Through their best efforts, they continually fail us.  Our security can only be found in One place and sadly our schools only request His help on days like today.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble.” – Psalm 46:1

Things I need: water, food, an iPad, etc.

rodarters

There are some things in life that seem to constantly elude us.   They may not elude all of us all of the time but they certainly can have a slippery aspect to them and make each hard to grab at different points in our lives.  Things like: Love, money, patience, employment, friends, good hair days, “luck” (if you believe in that), good looks, fresh breath, trust, time, health, children, sleep, approval, etc.

We all know at least one person who is missing one (or more) of these treasured items.   In fact, if we are honest, we may be missing a few of these ourselves.  As hard as we try, we are still impatient.  As much as we search, we can’t find love.  No matter how many jobs we get – we can’t make enough money.  Make up or make-overs can’t ultimately change our looks.  Some people have bad breath and swallowing a gallon of Listerine can’t change it.  Past betrayal may make future trust seem impossible.   Why is it so hard to lose that final 10 lbs or get rid of that chronic ache?  It can get frustrating when the one thing (or the six things) you want just never end up in your grasp.

We are born discontented.  We come out of the womb crying and unhappy.  To the infant, there is no difference between “want” and “need.”  They want milk because they need milk.  They want to be held because they need to be held.  Want and need feels the same to a baby.   As we mature, we understand the difference between “want” and “need”.   Intellectually, we know that we NEED food but we WANT an iPad.   ipadHowever, though we understand this difference intellectually, we do not necessarily articulate this difference verbally.   Our words betray our misunderstanding when we find ourselves saying things like, “I NEED an iPad.” Granted, we don’t really NEED an iPad but the fact that we say that we do blurs the line and creates the feeling of discontent.  We create the same confusion when we say things like, “I’m starving.”  Yes, we need food to survive but that sentence is never said out of need, but want.   Most Americans don’t know what it means to actually starve.   Hunger pains are not the same as starvation.  No one ever died from missing one meal.  We allow our “wants” to fool us into thinking they are actually “needs” and when we do not receive the perceived want, we become discontented and the chase is on.

As adults, it doesn’t seem to matter what we put in our mouths – our appetite continues.  We are constantly chasing something.  A rich man has money but maybe lacks a relationship with his children.  A poor man can obtain love but not pay his electric bill.  A woman can have beauty but still lack security while an elderly man can have wisdom but lack health.  One couple wants one baby while another couple wants two more.  We all want more time.  Our pockets feel perpetually empty even when they are filled.  It seems that there is always something else we want.  There is always something out there that we think will make our life more complete.  If I could just have ____________ (fill in the blank), THEN I would be truly happy.   Truly satisfied.  Isn’t that how we feel most of the time?  Isn’t that why marketing companies and TV commercials and radio advertisements are so effective?   Every company recognizes that you are missing SOMETHING and their product or service will help you get it.

Methods change but human nature does not.  Our wants and needs in the past are still our wants and needs today.  What Adam searched for outside the Garden, we still search for with our Garmin.  Eve’s longings yesterday are still Eve’s longings today.  Today, most people tie their happiness to their circumstances.  If life is going the way they want, they are happy.  If they are missing or lacking something, they are sad, depressed or consumed by what they are missing.   If happiness, joy and peace are only obtained by getting what we want, no wonder everyone seems to be depressed all the time.

I have had the privilege of traveling to several third world countries.   I have been to the jungles of Ecuador.  I have walked the poorest streets of the Dominican Republic.  I have seen the “garbage dump communities” in Guatemala City.  Even in America, I have spent time in several “ghettos” in some of our major cities.  Once I even spent the night in a homeless shelter in Washington, D.C.  I have been with the poorest of the poor and have witnessed abject poverty first hand.

Years ago I used to sponsor a child through an organization called Compassion International.  For $25 dollars a month, my donation would help a child from a poor village receive an education, give his family money for better clothes, better food, better opportunities.  The child I sponsored was a nine-year old boy named Elvis and Elvis lived in one of the poorest communities in the Dominican Republic.  For years, Elvis and I would send letters to each other (through Compassion’s translators) and talk about our families.  He would tell me about what he was learning in school and how my assistance was giving him an opportunity to change his life.

Through Compassion International, I arranged a visit with Elvis in the D.R..  After years of financial support and correspondence, I was finally going to meet my sponsored child – who was now 16.  I was not prepared for what I was about to see.  Though my support did give him opportunities that he would not have had access to otherwise, he was still living in a poor home in a poor village.  When I met his mother, she could not stop smiling.  You could tell, through the language barrier, that she was struggling to find a way to thank me for my contribution.  As I entered her home, she offered me a tall glass of something pink.  The glass was dirty.  I accepted the glass and faked a sip.  (We were instructed to drink nothing unless it was offered in a sealed container.)  As she gave me a tour of their tiny home, I realized I was in a hut.  The floors were dirt.  The walls were flimsy.  If the Big Bad Wolf was outside, I was surely his next meal.  The roof was made of soup cans.  Literally soup cans.  The cans were cut and flattened and placed like shingles on the roof.   Obviously, there was no insulation.   The entire 4 bedroom hut was the size of most American living rooms.  There were at least six people living there.   Honestly, it was difficult to be there.   Everywhere I looked I saw living conditions that were deplorable.  We wouldn’t let our pets stay where these people lived.  As I walked through their home, it was hard not to cry.  I held back tears as I saw where they slept.  I held back tears as I looked at their “kitchen.”.   I held back tears when I saw how happy they were – with virtually nothing.  On the wall of one of the bedrooms, were two pictures.  One was a framed cross-stitched image of a house.  It was not something any American would hang prominently in their home.  In fact, unless it was made by someone important to you, it would never be featured on any wall on any home in America.  This was her prized art.   It looked like something you would reject in the free pile of a yard sale and she had it hanging as a way to decorate her place.   Next to it was a picture of me.  ME!?  I had travelled 1500 miles from my home to find a picture of me on someone’s wall.  As I stared at her artwork, she took the framed cross-stitched house and offered it to me.

Are you kidding me???

I had more money in my pocket than she had in her life and she was going to give me her prized possession?   No way.  I couldn’t accept it.  And then I realized that her kind gesture had never happened to me before.  I had been in hundreds of American homes commenting on numerous items on people’s walls and no one, not one, had ever taken it off the wall to give to me.   By the same token, I have never offered any of my prized possessions to anyone either.   She had little and offered what she had freely.  By contrast, I have everything and refuse to part with any of it.   It was at that point, I realized just how poor I really was.   The one to be pitied was not her, but me.

The experience reminded me of an ancient letter I had read just a few days before my trip.  The letter, by the Apostle Paul, was written about 62 A.D. from a prison cell, most likely in Rome.   Prisons in Rome were not the humane housing they are today.   This cell would have been cold, dark, damp and dirty.  It was also subterranean, approximately twelve feet underground.  Prisoners, their guards, and their provisions were lowered through an opening the size of a manhole.  Iron shackles were fixed to the walls.  The only available light would be from a torch.   The Roman historian, Sallust, described the Roman prison as “disgusting and horrible, by reason of the filth, darkness and stench.”   It was in this environment that Paul penned the following words:

  • “Do everything without grumbling or arguing…” (Philippians 2:14)
  •  “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” (4:6)
  • “…Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (4:8)
  • “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” (11-13)

What is your life lacking?   What are you missing?  Probably a lot less than Paul’s at that time.   And yet he is encouraging others not to grumble or complain.  He reminds his friends to not be anxious about anything.  He challenges us all to pray.  Paul could have spent his time thinking about his deplorable conditions or his current life situation.  Instead, he chose to think about things that were noble, pure and lovely.  And in the midst of his dire situation, he admits he is content in any and every situation – even in prison.

Have you learned Paul’s secret yet?   I’m working on it.  And when I start thinking about all that I don’t have and sense discontentment creeping in, I am reminded of Paul and his letters and an old Indian proverb, “I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.”

I’m blessed.  Once again, I am content.  I truly have everything I need.

Except an Ipad.   Man, I need one of those badly.

“True contentment is a thing as active as agriculture. It is the power of getting out of any situation all that there is in it. It is arduous and it is rare.” – G.K. Chesterton

“When you are discontent, you always want more, more, more. Your desire can never be satisfied. But when you practice contentment, you can say to yourself, ‘Oh yes – I already have everything that I really need.’  – Dalai Lama

Liars, cheaters, thieves and me.

rodarters

When the topic of cheating comes up, there are few people who take a neutral position. Because of the serious nature of the crime and the emotional baggage it carries, it often brings with it a very passionate reaction. Most people despise the cheater since that emotion is easier and comes naturally. After all, cheating is despicable and non-defensible. Some people offer sympathy, not just to the offended person but even to the culprit. Those who empathize can usually relate to one or the other on some experiential level or they are more in tune with their own fallen nature. A few will recognize the universal truth: hurt people hurt people. Though the offended party is understandably hurt, the cheater is not without his/her own level of pain. For many cheaters, their pain existed long before the affair and their selfish actions were born from that pain. For those that were wronged, their pain begins after the betrayal and they often do what they can to seek revenge. As I said, hurt people hurt people.

So, why do cheaters cheat? What causes them to even entertain the thought? Why do they take the risk? Do they really think they can get away with it? In a word, yes. Remarkably, every cheater who has ever cheated has done so because of two powerful reasons:

  1. Pride and
  2. They actually believe their own lies.

Cheating is the height of selfishness. In that world, there is a cheater and his/her perceived needs that must be met. Nothing else exists. In this narcissistic state of mind, there are a number of lies that must be told and believed before a cheater can even begin to think his/her plan is possible, let alone feasible. Here are the top 10 lies that must be purchased. pinocchioInterestingly, most of these lies can apply to someone who wants to rob banks, embezzle money, look at porn, or even do drugs. The “crime” doesn’t matter. The overinflated sense of self and the ability to believe their own lies are essential.

  1. I won’t get caught. This is probably the most absurd lie of them all but is truly the cornerstone of all the other lies. If this lie can be believed and swallowed, then the rest of them go down much easier. The truth is, you WILL get caught. It’s not a matter of if, but when. If the Director of the C.I.A. cannot conceal an affair, what makes you think you can?
  2. No one will ever know. This lie is similar to the first but more in-depth in its scope. Not only will you not get caught but this is a secret you can take to your grave. After all, you have all your “bases” covered. All your alibis are solid. All your stories are straight. All your text messages deleted. All your emails erased. No one will EVER find out about it. You repeat this lie over and over until you believe it. The truth is, one day, EVERYONE will know, even if that knowledge occurs after you’re gone.
  3. What they don’t know, won’t hurt them. This lie makes a lot of sense to a cheater but few cheaters would want that logic applied to them. Would you want a merchant to overcharge you for a product without your knowledge? Or worse yet, would you want a doctor to not share the diagnosis of cancer with you? I mean, if you don’t know the truth, it can’t hurt you, right? The truth is, sometimes, what people don’t know can destroy them.
  4. Everybody is doing it. This is a common phenomenon in human behavior. Thieves think others are stealing because they are. In like manner, cheaters often assume others are being unfaithful because they are. Granted, adultery is rampant in our culture. But the truth is, NOT everyone is doing it. There are many faithful, loyal men and women out there – showing the rest of us what fidelity & commitment looks like.
  5. It’s not that big of a deal. Downplay. Minimize. Reduce. Common tactics for someone who is playing Russian Roulette with a fully loaded pistol. If it’s not a big deal, then why all the lies? If it’s not that big of a deal, why the secrecy? If it’s not such a big deal, do it openly. The truth is, it IS a big deal and the knowledge of it will devastate everyone who knows you.
  6. People already know and are ignoring it. Some of the lies sound crazy once you are living in the truth. This is one of them. There are times when you are convinced that everyone knows and they are turning a “blind eye” to your behavior. This is false anesthesia to the soul. The truth is, no one is condoning your actions. They truly don’t know…yet.
  7. God will forgive me. This is a case of spiritual gymnastics. The cheater has enough knowledge of God and His word to be deadly. Yes, God will forgive all sins except unbelief (Mark 3:28-29). However, this does not mean you should presume upon His grace or forgiveness (Romans 6:15). Even if God forgives you, it does not mean you will come out unscathed by His consequences (Proverbs 6:29). The consequences for such behavior are truly devastating for everyone in your life.
  8. My spouse will forgive me. Maybe they will. Maybe they won’t. Is this the risky card you really want to play? Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation. It does not mean you will be accepted back or restored to your previous position. Forgiveness may be quick but trust will take years. You are making some dangerous assumptions about someone you are hurting.
  9. I’m not getting what I need. This may be true but cheating isn’t the answer. Just because your employer does not pay what you “need” does not mean embezzling money is the answer to that dilemma. If you are not getting what you need, tell your spouse. Go to counseling. Meet with a therapist. Attend a support group. Talk to a friend. Though cheating may scratch your itch for a season, it won’t make the itch go away. There is a deeper itch beneath the surface that cheating cannot scratch. Commit to finding the proper solution for it.
  10. It’s just a physical thing. Nope, wrong again. It’s an emotional thing. And a mental thing. And a spiritual thing. It may seem physical to you but your whole being is involved here (mind, body, spirit), not just one horny member of it.

For a cheater, most of these lies will sound familiar. They may even have a few more of their own. Some or all of them are essential to believe before the cheating begins. So important are these that you can’t continue in the destructive behavior without swallowing one or more of these pills daily.

One day, though, the truth will come out. One day, the lies you digested will make you utterly sick. One day, the world you have created will face the world that is. Reality eventually trumps fantasy and you will wake up to realize the dream is actually a nightmare. The alarm cannot be snoozed. The deeds done in darkness will eventually be exposed in the light. Each and every lie will be addressed by the Truth.

A word of caution for all the non-cheaters reading this. It’s easy to throw a judgmental rock at a cheater, particularly if one has cheated on you. It’s easy to create a “me vs. them” mentality. After all, you are better than they are since you didn’t cheat. Remove your judgmental glasses for a minute and grab a mirror. Or better yet, grab a Bible. It appears that you may not be off the hook either. According to Jesus standard of faithfulness, “anyone who looks at a woman (or man) lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28)

You may not have committed that particular “deed” but all dirty deeds start in the heart and yours isn’t as clean as you think. The only difference between your heart and theirs is they followed through on what you have already considered. Or, you just haven’t been caught yet. Or your temptations are different. Adulterous thoughts, actual affairs, and judgmental pride are all the same in God’s book. Consequences are certainly different but hearts are the same. And Jesus didn’t come to clean up behavior. He didn’t just come to pardon sinful actions. He came to change wicked hearts. And according to His standard, apparently, you have one too.

“There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one… there is no difference between the Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:11,12, 23)

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:1-3)

Before you cheat… 14 things you need to know.

rodarters

If you’ve even remotely paid attention to the news or any social media platform recently, you’ve undoubtedly seen or heard about the viral “kiss cam” that uncovered an affair during the Coldplay concert in Boston. It seems that every few months we learn of another high-profile person getting caught cheating on his or her spouse.

To say adultery is an epidemic in our current culture is an understatement. And it doesn’t seem to be a respecter of position. Regardless of what we do for a living—CEOs, politicians, pastors, teachers, athletes, actors, musicians—cheaters are in our midst. It seems to be so prevalent today that the question isn’t who is cheating but rather—who isn’t?

Too many treat their most important relationships casually and their commitments to them as optional. Many cheaters try to justify their reasons for infidelity. To a cheater, their reasons make sense. Perfect sense. To those who have never strayed, the rationale may seem baffling. But no matter the excuse, the reasons are always indefensible.

Our thirst for affairs has become so accepted and normal in our culture that most shows on television mention an infidelity reference somewhere throughout the episode. Not to be outdone, we even have a reality show (Cheaters) that is designed to reveal an indiscretion and exploit the humiliation on national television. Honestly, I’m not sure which is worse—the immoral action of the cheater or the people who produce the show. The fact that the series has at least 21 seasons is an indictment against us. I’m not sure which is more devastating—discovering your lover’s unfaithfulness or discovering the crushing news at the same time as the train-wreck-watching public. We live in a very sad day and age.

And while Coldplay might have provided the most recent soundtrack, it’s clear that what happened in the crowd hit a colder, more painful note.

Unfortunately, the most heartbreaking fallout that occurs with any cheating revelation is not the loss of CEO pensions, employee salaries, political careers, angry constituents, tarnished legacies, fanbase betrayals, or even a pastor’s pulpit—but rather the lives of those who never made it on the jumbotron screen… the spouses, the children, and the family members… most recently the lives that were quietly upended during a loud concert.

I have seen first-hand the destruction of adultery.  Cheating devastates relationships and shatters dreams.  If you have entertained the idea of cheating on your spouse or significant other, let this serve as your official warning.  Your handsome boss, cute office secretary or sultry neighbor down the street comes with a price tag that you cannot afford.   Before you cheat here are 14 things you really need to know.

  1. You will become a liar.   It’s bad enough to bear the title of “Cheater,” but if you cheat, you will also wear the hat of “Liar.”   Cheating cannot occur without deceit on some level and normally the white lies in the beginning become full-fledged lies at the end.  “I’m working late at the office tonight” may be a half-truth but you’ll need to redefine the word “working” to silence your compromised conscience.  Cheating and lying go hand in hand.  (For more about the lies that cheaters tell, click here.)
  2. You will get caught.  It may not be today.  It may not be tomorrow.  But eventually, your affair will come to light, even if it’s not on a jumbotron.  Your world will come crashing down on you.  If you are fortunate, the story of your indiscretion may avoid the evening news or the front page of your local paper, but your circle of friends will know your deeds.  And everyone likes to share juicy news.  Your poor decision will become as public as a billboard.  It’s not a matter of if but when.  As Pastor Rick Warren once tweeted, “If the Director of the CIA can’t hide and cover up an affair, no one can.”  As the Chinese proverb goes, “If you don’t want anyone to know it, don’t do it.”
  3. You will disappoint everyone.   Every.One.   Your spouse.  Your friends.  Your co-workers.   Your God.  Your parents.   Your nephew.  Your children.  Your neighbor.  Yourself.  The disappointment you cause will be like the stench of skunks and it will take a long, long time to remove the smell.
  4. You will be a bad example.   Everyone is either a good example or a bad example in all things that we do.  Cheating is a not only a very bad example in relationships but brings with it a cloud of doubt that hovers over you in other areas of your life.  If you cheated in one area, would you cheat in another?  Cheating communicates to everyone that you took the easy road.   It tells others that you were willing to cut corners in your most primary relationship.  It reveals that you were not willing to do the hard work and get the help you needed.  No one ever admires a cheater.  No one looks up to an adulterer.  Even if you did a lifetime of good, this one bad deed can erase it all.
  5. You will lose your moral authority.  It’s hard to tell your children (or others) to do the right thing when they know you didn’t.  Saying “Do as I say, not as I do” is the fastest way to lose the respect of others.  Not only will you lose their respect, you’ll lose yours.  Every moral judgment you make in the future will be weighed against your adulterous action of the past.   It doesn’t mean you can’t speak the truth in the future, it just means that few will listen to you.
  6. You will create trust issues for your spouse.  Forever.  You will single-handedly damage the precious self-esteem of the one you promised to love.  Every relationship they have after you will be one that they struggle to trust.  If that were not enough, you will rock the world of your children and cause them to question the stability of every meaningful relationship they have.   For children, their parents’ relationship is their anchor, and cheating cuts the line.
  7. You will lose your standard of living.  Depending on what you do for a living, you may lose your job.  Many lose their home.  Most end up with enormous court fees since cheating is usually the precursor to divorce.  Betrayed spouses have a way of making you pay and that payment is always expensive.  Every check you write is a constant reminder of your foolishness.
  8. You will spend years trying to rebuild your life.   Literally years.   Even if you somehow weathered the storm financially, you will find it takes years for you to recover emotionally.  It takes years for you to restore certain friendships, if you even do.  It takes years for you to rebuild your character.  It takes years to rebuild trust.  It takes years to truly forgive yourself.
  9. You will lose relationships.   You will lose a LOT of relationships.  Think most, not some.  Lifelong friends will walk away.  Close friends that you have helped countless times will not be around to help you.  Even some family members who are supposed to love you no matter what will vanish.   A cheater can end up living a very lonely life.  It’s hard for many people who used to call you friend to get past that skunk smell of disappointment and regain any level of trust.
  10. You will increase your chances of getting an STD.  Sexually transmitted diseases run rampant among promiscuous people.   But your paramour is “clean,” right?   After all, they told you so.  And if there is one thing we all know – we can trust a cheater and their word.  As the saying goes, “There is honor among thieves.”   One helpful thought may be to assume that everyone but your spouse has an STD.  That should curb your appetite for destruction.
  11. The grass is not greener on the other side.   The “grass is greener” idea is a common misconception.  Because we have never been on that grass, we assume it must be better than where we currently stand.  It’s not.  In fact, though it may look greener from a distance – once you get there and make yourself comfortable, something interesting happens – the grass changes color.  This usually happens soon after you get caught.  You will then see that patch of land differently.  You will also have a strange desire for the green grass you left… except now it is scorched and won’t let you back.  The best way to enjoy green grass is to water your own yard.
  12. Would you want this done to you?   Thieves like to steal wallets but hate when it’s done to them.  If we all lived by the Golden Rule (“Treat others the way you want to be treated.”) most of life’s problems would be solved overnight.   Think about this action as if it were being done to you.  The problem is that it requires thought and thinking is often the last thing a cheater has on his/her mind.
  13. You will eventually regret this decision.  In the heat of the moment, cheating appears to make sense.  It feels good and sometimes even feels right.  Feelings are deceitful.  Soon afterward, your eyes will be opened and you will regret that you ever partook of the forbidden fruit.   Don’t we all have enough regrets in our lives?   Why add another one – particularly one that can only destroy everything you have worked so hard to build?  Your home may not be perfect but it sure beats living in a tent.
  14. The pain outweighs the gain.  No one ever says from their deathbed, I wish I would have had an affair.  No one ever leaves their lawyer’s office with a smile on their face – grateful for the experience.  No one loses dear friends and is glad they have one less Christmas card to receive this year.   The loss is immeasurable.  The pain can be unbearable.   Entire kingdoms can be lost for a few minutes of pleasure.  It is just not worth it.

In December 2008, I looked in the mirror and did not like what I saw. I did not like who I had become.  I was finally at the point where I was willing to admit the dark side of my soul.   The Dark Knight within me had risen indeed.  Days later, I confessed to my wife, children and church that I had been unfaithful during my marriage.  Needless to say, it was the most difficult series of conversations I have ever had in my life.  There is no pain like watching people you love sob in tears because of your selfish actions.  Within one year, I had lost everything dear and precious to me.

The 14 points above come from an extremely painful personal experience.  I know what it’s like to fall and not be able to get up.  Over the years, I have had to learn (and continue to learn) how to tear down my emotional walls – walls that assisted me in getting in trouble in the first place.  I have come to understand the problem with pedestals, especially in the church, and have wrestled with the mechanics of forgiveness, especially forgiving myself.  As difficult as it is, I now embrace my past and appreciate the many regrets.  They have become precious to me.  As a result of my actions, I have accumulated many scars and now try to learn from each and everyone of them.  I have hit “rock bottom” and realized something amazing in the process.  God is still here, even if others are not.

That’s my story.  Chapters are still being written.  It’s not easy to share but it’s mine nonetheless and I have accepted it as part of HIStory.  As I read the Bible with a humble set of eyes these days, I see that the Book is filled with great men and women who have fallen in some pretty huge ways.  God picks them up and redeems them in spite of their past. I’ve come to learn that we all fall, just in different ways.

If you’re flirting with the idea of an affair, consider this your flashing red light and final warning: the road you’re on doesn’t just end badly—it ends in wreckage. The bridge is out, and no one crosses it unscathed.

If you’re already entangled, get out and get help—immediately. The pain of ending it now pales in comparison to the devastation when it’s exposed, exploded, and ended for you.

Things that make you go, “Hmmmm.”

rodarters

There are many things that make me go, “Hmmmm.”   People who stand on street corners are one of them.

I’m not talking about people waiting for the bus or people trying to cross a street.   I’m talking about people who stand there with no clear mission or purpose.

I understand why street preachers preach.   I understand why the anti-abortion guy walks around our city pushing a stroller with a doll in it.   I understand why “ladies of the evening” strut down the road.   I understand why politicians stand on street corners and wave to cars on the eve of an election.  I understand why employees walk around with a picketing sign.  I even understand why sign spinners are dancing in front of their store.   I don’t necessarily agree with any of their reasons or methods, but I do understand why they do it.

What I do not understand is this:

The sign reads, “It’s all about how we treat one another on earth.”

What would prompt a grown woman to wear orange gloves and stand on a busy street corner with a sign that reads, “It’s all about how we treat one another on earth.” 

She couldn’t be happier.  She couldn’t wave more enthusiastically.   She couldn’t smile any bigger.  She couldn’t look any sillier.

What is she doing there?   Did she lose a bet?   Is she on a new reality TV show I have not heard about yet?   Is this her calling in life?  Is this some sort of cruel & unusual punishment some unorthodox judge gave her?  Is she getting paid to do this?  If so, who would pay for such a thing?  Barney??  If she is not getting paid for this, what motivates her to do it?   What is her end goal?  How does she know if she is successful?   I truly want to know.

Of course, I don’t want to get out of my car to find out.   She may try to recruit me to join her and I hate saying no to happy people.  Why can’t these people ever post their email address??

Come to think of it, she was out there on the day before our National election.  Perhaps there is a connection there?   We tend to be pretty ugly to each other when it comes to politics.  And religion.  And sports.   Maybe her message is more important than we think – particularly in this divisive climate we find ourselves in.

Last night as I was driving home, I came upon a woman who drove her car into a ditch.  I couldn’t help but laugh (on the inside) as that was my mother’s worst fear for me as a teenage driver.  Here she was, a mother herself, with her car in a literal ditch.  Naturally, I stopped to help.  Within minutes, two other men also offered their services.

A picture of me directing traffic.

I directed traffic, the man with the truck attached a chain to her car and the third gentlemen guided the car out of the ditch.  It was a good Samaritan moment – a true team effort.  Because of where her car was stuck, it caused traffic to back up on three different intersecting roads.  Because of this, directing traffic was essential to not only get her car out but for everyone’s safety.   While the three of us worked feverishly to get her car unstuck, someone in line decided to lay on their horn.  Repeatedly.  I couldn’t help but wonder why.   Because of where the car was stuck, everyone in all three lines of traffic could see what we were doing.  They could see that we were working as hard and fast as we could to get everyone on their way.   And yet this person honked like an angry goose.  It made me go, “Hmmmm.”

What is it with some people?  One impatiently honks at you for helping a stranded stranger while another stands on a street corner smiling with an overly friendly sign for no apparent reason.

This holiday season, I’m going to smile more.  I’m going to continue to help parents who end up in the ditches they warn us about.  I’m going to open more doors, pull out lady chairs, say “please” and “thank you” and “sir” and “ma’am” to everyone in my path and honk less.  And I’m going to do it without a sign telling me to.

That should make people go, “Hmmmm.”

Our insecurities and what they can teach us

rodarters

From our earliest childhood memory, we remember singing about the beloved reindeer Rudolph and his cute little red nose.  As the story goes, Rudolph was different, born unique among the other reindeer.  Though normal in every other way, he had one feature that brought unwanted attention.  In fact, that one “birth defect” brought him immense embarrassment and his father much shame.  Though they both tried, Rudolph and his father were unsuccessful in hiding his glowing blemish.  The popular song highlights his “problem” and pain:

“Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose.   And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows.   All of the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.  They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.”

In many ways, we can relate with Rudolph.  Though we are relatively normal, we all have at least one attribute that has become a source of insecurity for us.  Many of us take great measures to hide it from view.  I have come to realize that we are an extremely insecure race.  Even though we are clearly the most intelligent and highest form of life on our planet – even made in the image of God (Genesis 1:26-27), some among us are plagued by our insecurities.

By contrast, the animal kingdom is not.  Giraffes do not feel bad about their long neck.  Frogs are not shy about their awful croak.  Panda Bears are not insecure about their weight.  Pigs do not apologize for their lack of hygiene.  Every animal seems to move around oblivious to their glaring physical oddities and thinks nothing of how they were made.  Even the ones behind a cage in a zoo seem impervious to the fact that they are being stared at BECAUSE of their particular physical attributes.  As humans, we struggle with our own insecurities when no one is watching us.  Can you imagine if we were caged and on display because of them?

Since everyone has insecurities, it is the honest people who admit to them. Transparent people reveal them to others.  Brave people face them.  Secure people embrace theirs.  Regardless of how we handle them, the important thing to remember is that everyone has some – even if they are very different from those around you.

For example, a child’s insecurities can be different from an adult’s.  A man’s insecurities are usually different from a woman’s.  The old have different ones than the young.  And for the most part, our insecurities can hinder how we view not only ourselves, but others as well.   Whether they are legitimate or not, they oftentimes cause problems within our relationships.  Like it or not, we respond (or react) through the lens of our insecurity and as a result create problems that wouldn’t otherwise be there.

Our insecurities are seemingly endless.  Some are insecure about their weight, possessing too much of it or not enough.  Others are insecure about their hair and how gray it is or how much is missing.   Some are insecure about their finances or their teeth or their physique or their relationships or their breath or their clothes or their _______________ (fill in the blank).   Even as you read this, your particular insecurity/insecurities come to the forefront of your mind.  For some of us, they were formed at a very early age and we have diligently carried them with us ever since.  Other insecurities have been with us a relatively short time and perhaps we are struggling to deal them.  Some appear as our bodies change.  Others arrive because of a comment aimed at our direction.  Many blame the media for creating a standard that no one can live up to.  Even if you successfully overcome one insecurity, another may arise days later and the fight is on again.

It is no surprise that countless companies have risen up to help us address each and every insecurity we face.  Do you have hair missing from certain sections of your head?  Try Rogaine.  Is your hair turning gray?  We have Clairol for that.  Are you shorter than you desire?  Take a human growth hormone or purchase some platform shoes.  Do you struggle with your weight?  Take Adipex, a pill known to suppress your appetite.  Or purchase a diet plan. There are dozens to choose from.  Is your skin wrinkled?  Use Retin-A, a cream that promises to remove wrinkles.  The list goes on and on.  In fact, the only thing longer than the list of our insecurities is the list of products claiming to help you overcome them. From teeth whitening to eyelash thickeners to breast enhancement to nose jobs to tanning salons – we can purchase the ointment to every insecurity ailment.  In our capitalist market, there will always be a company that is willing to take your money to help you feel better about yourself.

I have had several insecurities that I have dealt with for a number of years.  One is my life-threatening allergy to peanuts.  Though that allergy may be more common today, I had the allergy before anyone knew it existed.  Whenever you are a child and are the only one with a certain “condition”, you feel weird and are often alienated or teased.   I related to Rudolph’s isolation.

A birthday gift from a relative. Yea, I feel loved.

Since a staple food in elementary school is peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, I could not eat with my friends.  Even the smell of peanut butter could trigger an allergic reaction.  I remember eating most school lunches at the table by myself.  To a child, nothing says “You’re a freak” more than sitting by yourself in the school cafeteria lunchroom.  To complicate my already fragile self-esteem, my parents made me wear the embarrassing “Medic-Alert” bracelet.  No other child had this shackle on their wrist.  I also had to carry around an Epi-Pen – the antidote injection in case I was ever exposed to a deadly peanut.  No other child had to keep an enormous life-saving pen in their pocket.  Many times my Mom would act like the secret service and make sure the atmosphere was peanut-free before my arrival to a certain event.  I remember the humiliating feeling of sucking joy from other children’s lives after they realized they could not enjoy a peanut butter treat simply because “Rod was here.”

I have come to realize that we all need some help in addressing our insecurities.  Below are some thoughts that have helped me along the years.  Our insecurities can teach us valuable lessons, if we are willing to learn from them.  Here is what mine have taught me:

  • I’m not perfect.  I know this isn’t shocking to learn (particularly if you know me personally) but marinate on that truth for a minute.  You are not perfect either.  Nor is anyone else.  And while you struggle with your particular insecurity, just know that everyone else has their own area of imperfection to wrestle with.   Whether you are a businessman, Mother, People Magazine’s sexiest man alive, Victoria Secret model or the President of the United States, you have insecurities just like the rest of us.  In fact, some of the most attractive, intelligent, successful people have the most insecurities.
  • My self-worth is not influenced by my blemishes.  At least it shouldn’t be.  I’m not less valuable or less lovable because of my perceived “defects.”   I am simply more unique.  So what if you are shorter than your friends.  So what if you weigh more than your husband.  So what if your teeth aren’t as straight as your Dentist – you are still an important person.  You are still loved by someone.  Your life still matters.  Instead of focusing on the ONE area that you hate, spend more time thinking about the dozens of areas that are positive. Don’t let your insecurity define you.  Don’t let it steal your joy or keep you from living the abundant life God desires for you. (John 10:10)
  • My defects keep me humble.  Sometimes I entertain the thought that I’m awesome.   Occasionally I think about certain aspects about my life and like what I see.  And as I am creating “Rod for President” signs in my head and imagining the ticker tape parade in my honor – a particular insecurity will rear its ugly head and remind me to climb down from cloud 9 and enter back into the world of reality.  Though I may have some areas of my life that are going well there are other areas that are still messy.  For every three things I like about myself, I can find four that I really need to change.  The thought process keeps me humble.  In spite of my brief moments of success, I still have a long way to go.
  • My imperfections make me compassionate. It is easy to look upon the imperfections of others and look down on them or make fun of them.  Weak people do this.  Sadly, this exercise is perfected during our school years.  How many of us have hidden scars from things that were said by classmates about our childhood imperfections?  As you clearly identify your own insecurities, it should make you more compassionate as you see the imperfections of others.  Until you are perfect, you have no right pointing out the imperfections in others.  Benjamin Franklin once admonished, “Search others for their virtues, yourself for your vices.”
  • I have my particular “shiny red nose” for a reason.  It’s not an accident that I’m allergic to peanut butter or that you struggle with your weight.  For whatever reason, this particular struggle was tailor-made for us.  Our “defect” was handpicked.  Maybe mine was given to me so that I could truly discover what makes me important.  Maybe I have blemishes to keep me humble or make me more compassionate towards others?  Perhaps I have mine so that I could be in a position to help others with a similar “affliction.”   Maybe there is another kid out there who sits alone at the lunchroom table and he just needs to know that he is not as alone as he feels.

Rudolph went to great lengths to cover his red nose.  Apparently in New York City for the low-cost of $20,000, there are some painful injections I could take over a period of six months that would cure me of my peanut allergy. No thank you. I don’t need a Reese’s candy bar that badly.  But, it does raise an interesting question.  Is it wrong to try to address a particular insecurity you wrestle with?   On one hand, if God created you with that particular feature, shouldn’t we learn to embrace it and not feel we are inadequate with our current state?  But then again, we do live in an era where modern technology allows us to change the things we do not like about ourselves. It’s hard to condemn a breast enhancement when orthodontic braces are given for the same reason – a desire to improve one’s appearance.  It seems hypocritical to speak against a nose job when a gym membership is often purchased by an identical goal – vanity.  Whether it is Liposuction or Lasik eye surgery, is it wrong to try to improve the areas we view as defective – particularly since technology allows such improvements?  And even if we were to embrace our every imperfection, that does not mean everyone else will – and that is usually the root cause of our attempt to “fix” what is “wrong” with us.  Like everyone else on the planet we just want to be accepted.   At the end of the day, we all want to play in the reindeer games.

Some might question why a loving God would create us with certain afflictions.  Doesn’t He understand how “defects” will be received in our judgmental world?  Maybe from His perspective they aren’t defects at all.  Maybe what we consider a liability, He considers an asset.  While we (and others) may look upon our imperfections with disgust, God looks at His children’s differences with delight.  He didn’t make us freaks but uniques.  Perhaps our greatest perceived weakness is actually a source of great strength?   In fact, when God picks His team, He doesn’t seem to choose with the same criteria we use.  While we select people based on their assets, God prefers to select people who are plagued with liabilities.  The Apostle Paul takes notice of this in I Corinthians 1,

“Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth.  But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.  God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things — and the things that are not — to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before Him.”

Even Paul personally understood afflictions and their accompanying insecurity.  Paul was privileged to see things about God that no one else could see.  For His own reasons, God enabled Paul to witness some amazing revelations.  As a result, those revelations had a price tag.  He records his thoughts in II Corinthians 12:

“…because of these surpassingly great revelations…in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

God doesn’t choose us because we are strong or smart or attractive or intelligent or athletic or gifted or thin or rich or for any reason we choose those we love.  He doesn’t even choose us because we are good (Romans 5:8).  He chooses us in spite of our lowly condition so that we would truly understand our worth.  We are not worthy because we are inherently loveable or good.  We are worthy because He is.  He takes the unholy and makes it holy.  He takes the secular and makes it sacred.  He transforms losers into winners and the lost into found.  Only He can take something weak and make it strong.   Only He can take something old and make it new.

As far as Rudolph is concerned – nothing changed.  The nose he began with is the nose he ends with.  His nose didn’t change, his acceptance of it did.  Though his friends and family initially treated him poorly because of it, it was Santa that loved him in spite of it and showed him how his biggest insecurity was really the source of his greatest asset.  His most embarrassing feature became the cause of his highest promotion!

What perceived blemish or defect is keeping you in hiding?  What are you doing with your shiny red nose?  Perhaps it is time to embrace your imperfections and see what God can do in you and through you – in spite of it.

 

Hitting “Rock Bottom”

rodarters

Whenever you hear the phrase “rock bottom”, it is usually describing someone’s imploding personal life.  It implies that they are at their lowest possible level or at the absolute bottom in their circumstances.  The unfortunate soul who is struggling would most likely agree they have never been so low.  In regards to their situation you will sometimes hear them say something like, “It can’t get any worse.”  To them, it is truly rock bottom.  Those nearest them always know it could be worse.  Even much worse.  Oftentimes, their situation does get worse before it ever starts to improve.

Rock bottom varies from person to person.  For some, rock bottom could be reached with the death of a loved one.  For another it may be the loss of a job or the loss of a relationship or the loss of health or wealth.   It could come as a result of a tragic accident or even the betrayal of a friend or lover.  Some end up at rock bottom because of an addiction.  Others hit bedrock because of their pride.

Anyone can find themselves at rock bottom.  It does not seem to be a respecter of age, gender, social status or race.  Whether you are a sitting President or a pastor, teacher, student, coach, athlete, Mom, rock star, actor, musician, politician, college student, solider, CEO, janitor or reality TV star – you are not immune to rock bottom status.  For some, the journey is a slow downward spiral to the pit.  For others, it happens in an instant.  Life is fragile like that.

Of all the places one can be on earth, rock bottom may be the saddest.  While there, the struggler often feels helpless and hopeless. There is relatively little light at the end of their dark tunnel and any light they see is usually just an oncoming train.  It is in that lonely place that you ultimately learn who really loves you… who your true friends are.  Sadly, you often realize you have fewer friends than you first thought.  Not many people enjoy rock bottom company.

Most describe their time at rock bottom as the worst experience of their life.  Others claim it was the best thing that has ever happened to them.  Some have used their time at rock bottom to catapult them to heights they could never have reached otherwise.   Life, it seems, is full of paradoxes.  Sometimes, you have to go down before you can go up.  Sometimes, before you can get rich you have to experience poverty.  It is for this reason that hitting rock bottom may be a blessing in disguise.

What I find fascinating about rock bottom is how people handle their time there differently.  You could deliver the same devastating blow to three different people and get three completely different responses.  Rock bottom, for one, can utterly defeat them.  Crippled by their situation, they never fully recover from the experience.  For someone else, their pride is concreted and they refuse to admit anything, especially defeat.  For yet another, they humbly embrace the temporary defeat and it eventually becomes the catalyst needed to change their life forever.    

We have no shortage of rock bottom stories in our culture.  All I have to do is mention a name and you can instantly recall their rock bottom experience; Bill Clinton, Michael Vick, Martha Stewart, Tiger Woods, Jerry Sandusky, Bernie Madoff, OJ Simpson, Lindsay Lohan, etc.  It seems that another celebrity is added to the list every week in the evening news.   Each person reached their rock bottom in different ways.  Some committed crimes. Some broke vows.  A few struggle with addiction.  While occasionally some are victims of another’s selfishness, most are there through self-inflicted wounds.   Whether they are behind bars or walking free, they all have had to wrestle with their rock bottom status.  I have had a few of my own rock bottom experiences. They were simultaneously the best and worst experiences of my life.  Maybe you have had yours?   Or maybe yours is yet to come.  Whether your rock bottom experience is forced upon you or you invited it in – the important thing is how you respond to it and how you learn from it.  Just because you are at the bottom does not mean you have to stay there.  

The other week I was sitting in church singing the popular hymn, Amazing Grace.  I was reflecting on the powerful words and my broken past:

“Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.   I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see.”

Written by John Newton, a former slave owner turned Pastor, I had read about his immoral past and rock bottom experience.  His story and life are remarkable.  If God can redeem a man like that, He can redeem any man – even me.  Like Newton, I have not lived a perfect life.  I have made a lot of mistakes and I have hurt a lot of people in the process.  There are days when I feel like the word “wretch” would be a compliment. 

As I sat in church, singing the hymn and marveling at God’s grace towards me – I glanced to my left to see an older gentlemen sitting a few seats away.   In his mid 60’s, he sat alone.  What caught my attention was his attire.  He was wearing blue jeans with an NFL jersey, obviously in support of his favorite team, the Philadelphia Eagles.  What struck me was the name on the back of his jersey, “Vick.”   With over 50 players to choose from, this man’s favorite was Michael Vick, mentioned above.  By all accounts, Vick is an extremely talented player.  He is also an extremely controversial one.  In 2007, he was convicted of animal cruelty in an illegal interstate dog fighting ring and spent almost 2 years in prison for his crimes. Not only did he lose his lucrative position as an NFL Quarterback as well as numerous product endorsements, he was also ordered to pay back over $20 million dollars to the Atlanta Falcons for a breach of contract.   On top of the financial losses, he lost his overall popularity and good name, a price more valuable than wealth (Proverbs 22:1). To say Vick was at rock bottom would be an understatement.  One day he is soaring as a Falcon.  The next day he’s a grounded jail-bird. 

To animal lovers, he is hated – even five years later.  To football fans, he is still loved – in spite of his past.  For all of us, it makes for interesting conversation around the water cooler at work. What do we do with someone who fell to the bottom and has tried to do everything he can to climb back on top?  Do we villain-ize someone for their past?  I mean, don’t we all have a past too – even if it’s not as egregious?  Must he still be shunned today for yesterday’s poor choices?  Have we not all made poor choices at some point, even if we were adults when we made them? Vick served his time and is paying off the debt with his dime.  Isn’t that what is required for restoration?  Or do we believe the popular mantra that “A leopard can’t change his spots?”  Most of us, deep down, do not want to believe that.  If Michael Vick can’t change his spots, then what makes us think we can change ours?    

For the record, I like dogs.  I’m pro-animal.  I don’t own a fur anything.  But I’m also pro-grace and pro-second chances, particularly with someone who wants it.  Too many professional athletes are poor role models.  The Old Michael Vick would have been in that category.  But how many pro-athletes try to reverse their past and redeem their mistakes?  How many try to correct their wrongs and promote the cause they once worked so hard to destroy?   I’m not condoning Michael Vick’s past or trying to minimize the crimes he perpetrated.  But, I do applaud the time he spent and the time he spends trying to change not only his image but the evil industry he once profited from.   

Near the end of his prison term, Michael Vick’s representatives approached the Human Society of the United States (HSUS) to see how Michael might be used to help their cause.  Initially, they were very skeptical of his involvement, for obvious reasons.  When asked why they didn’t choose a different celebrity to help combat this problem, they replied, “Michael Vick was a role model for many young people, and he lost everything because of what he did to dogs. His story is the strongest possible example of why dog fighting is a dead-end. Just as former drug addicts are able to reach people struggling with addiction, former dogfighters are some of the most effective voices against this crime. We realized the potential that Vick has to reach at-risk youth and pull them out of the quicksand of animal fighting…we decided that shunning Vick forever would do no good for any animal.  He has expressed his remorse and his desire to help more animals than he harmed by being an advocate for the humane treatment of animals.  Vick paid $1 million for the care and rehabilitation of the dogs at Bad Newz Kennels. Now he contributes his time and his voice to attacking the problem by reaching out to inner-city youth.”

THAT is the beauty of being at rock bottom for whatever reason you are there.  Even if your foolish choices brought you there, you can make better decisions in the future to pick yourself up and put you in a position to help others.  You can actually do more good than you ever did harm, if you can get the help you need and get on the right track. Michael Vick, as controversial as his past is, may be the best voice out there to speak against dog-fighting and animal cruelty.

Disagree with me?  Then rip the book of Romans out of your Bible.  While you are at it, remove 1 & 2 Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, 1 & 2 Thessalonians, 1 & 2 Timothy, Titus, and the letter to Philemon as well.   Why?  Because those 13 books of the New Testament were written by someone who (before he hit rock bottom) was actively trying to kill Christians.  Before the Apostle Paul was a Bible writing, Christianity promoting, Jesus loving disciple, he was known as Saul – a massive persecutor of the Church and known executioner of Christians.  God didn’t show grace because of Paul’s past.  He showed grace in spite of Paul’s past.  But isn’t that who grace is for?  People who don’t deserve it?  Grace has the power to change any man.  This is what Newton was talking about in the aforementioned hymn, “Twas grace that taught my heart to fear and grace my fears relieved.  How precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed.”

God can use squeaky clean people to speak His squeaky clean truth.  But most of the time, He calls sinners to talk to other sinners about the dangers of sin.  Who else is more credible to speak on such a topic?  The best person to reach a prostitute is a former prostitute.  The most qualified person to reach a murderer is someone who understands what it’s like to hide a body.  The most credible person to reach a thief is the one who used to pick your pocket.

Have you been to rock bottom yet?   What did you learn on your way down?   What did you do to get back up?  Who have you been able to help as a result of your experience?  You are now uniquely equipped in a way you never were before.  How are you using your new platform to help those on their way down or those who are having trouble getting back up?

Love him or hate him, Michael Vick is showing all of us how to hit rock bottom and get back up again.  How many future dogs will be saved because of his fall from grace?     

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” – II Corinthians 1:3-4

“Things are tough all over, But I’ve got good news
When you get down to nothin’, You’ve got nothin’ to lose
Anyway, rock bottom, Is good solid ground
And a dead end street, Is just a place to turn around”  

– Rock Bottom song, Wynonna Judd